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for subs...when you move on from your Dominant/Master - 1/10/2010 2:20:19 PM   
sweetboundesire


Posts: 285
Joined: 10/29/2009
Status: offline 		Just curious, when your first D/s relationship ended. How and why? And more so, what did you do after? Did you feel lost? Did you wait a long time before getting involved in this type of relationship again? Did you try vanilla and then get bored and go back?

What did you do with yourself and how did you find something that worked better for you?
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RE: for subs...when you move on from your Dominant/Master - 1/10/2010 2:25:51 PM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		My first BDSM relationship was online only.  I learned a great deal from the man and considered him a wonderful mentor but I needed to be touched.  I finally cracked one day and told him I couldn't continue.  He apologized and told me that I was such a good learner and so willing to do whatever he said that he pushed me too fast and too hard.

I simply walked away from the lifestyle for a while.  I ended up becoming engaged, and only after the engagement that man told me that he was into BDSM.  I threw myself back into it wholeheartedly and have never looked back.  I see now that it is an integral a part of me as breathing.  That relationship ended but not my involvement in BDSM.  I have never found such depths of trust and level of open communication in any vanilla relationship I have been in and would never again settle for anything less.


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RE: for subs...when you move on from your Dominant/Master - 1/10/2010 2:28:03 PM   
LillyoftheVally


Posts: 1826
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline 		We broke up because he was not in a position to commit (mind took me a year to accept that) and I felt totally lost for a fair old while, I did one of my usual post break up vanishing acts, happens every time I stop using the boards/going to events etc I struggled getting a fair few things back to normal (masturbation being one that sticks in my mind most profoundly) I didn't consciously wait a long time to get back into it, just like any relationship I took the time I needed to let my heart mend then came back. I have never had the same intensity of devotion to another dominant since him, I guess holding back because it hurt a fair bit, I don't think I am yet to get the balance right in D/s at all, but thats what its all about relationships and trying on shoes seeing which one fits. I think for a while I tried to find a carbon copy of the first guy which was insane seeing as the first time didn't work out, and that changed when he came back to me a fair while later asking to try again and I found no desire to do so.

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RE: for subs...when you move on from your Dominant/Master - 1/10/2010 2:35:13 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		There is a thread going on asking this same question. And the reply is it is the same as when any relationship ends, one person was meeting the other's needs or both or they grew apart or their was infidelity or lack of trust or someone would not peform oral sex...

For me, I was very young when I had my first one (18) so I was able to move on to the next one and try and learn from each situation. In mine, we were young, he wanted more from me than I could give and I left. I just left my latest one after many years and it was the hardest to leave because it was the most intense and I really loved him. But we could not get along as partners outside the physical and BDSM part.

I hope there will be a next one, but one thing I do know is that I will never stay in a situation that is not good for me on ALL levels.

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RE: for subs...when you move on from your Dominant/Master - 1/10/2010 3:00:03 PM   
mc1234


Posts: 683
Joined: 10/4/2008
Status: offline 		My first real D/s relationship (outside of a play partner and someone with whom I spent a lot of time online and on the phone, but not enough in person due to distance) - I found him cheating on me and I broke it off immediately. I had to deal with the cheating thing, so I didn't feel so much lost, as I felt pissed off. lol

Vanilla isn't something I'm interested in. The authority exchange relationship just simply works for me on all levels. I found something that worked better by being on cm, talking with a lot of doms, meeting a few for coffee, playing with two who turned out to be incompatible also and learning more about what I needed and wanted in a relationship.

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RE: for subs...when you move on from your Dominant/Master - 1/10/2010 3:01:51 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Anytime a relationship has ended for me..other than my marriage because well..he died that was and is a lot tougher than anything I've ever faced in life...ok, other than that..I've just moved on. I put it behind me and started my life over again. I don't look back, I don't dwell on it and I just move on. I involve myself with friends and family, I take on hobbies and projects and I learn to be content being alone but I don't become bitter or jaded. Instead I continue to seek without really looking. I just enjoy my life.

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RE: for subs...when you move on from your Dominant/Master - 1/10/2010 3:04:28 PM   
Elizabeth666


Posts: 288
Joined: 10/14/2009
Status: offline 		Well, we broke up recently. After that happened and the way he did it made me realize that he wasn't the person for me. That I didn't love him like I thought I did. I had gotten lust mixed up with love.

I'm not actively seeking another relationship, but I do want to see what else is out there for me. Why would I want to sit around and mourn the loss of something that in hindsight, wasn't what I thought it was.

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RE: for subs...when you move on from your Dominant/Master - 1/10/2010 4:02:10 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		My first D/s relationship ended because he was married and I never got enough time with him. He also didn't tell me he was married when we first got involved, I found out after I was already attached to him and by then I wanted to see if it would work out. After letting him go I went on to a period of seeing several different people at once (they all knew). Those relationships were a mix of sexual and non sexual and vanilla and D/s. I eventually settled on one man and it was a D/s relationship. It seemed right for me, I gained a lot of knowledge by trying the people and types of relationships that I did. I've come a long way in understanding what I want and need. I think anything I attempt now in the way of a relationship will be better since I just know myself better.

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RE: for subs...when you move on from your Dominant/Master - 1/10/2010 4:09:13 PM   
sweetboundesire


Posts: 285
Joined: 10/29/2009
Status: offline 		maybe the fun and adventure is in the learning.

so many good replies. they all make sense. for me, i am leaning toward moving on or at least considering it....can't say i could do several Doms at once! With women, I like the idea of multiple lovers but when it comes to a man I would like just one at least one for a very long time. I'm always open to openness.

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RE: for subs...when you move on from your Dominant/Master - 1/10/2010 4:13:17 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Elizabeth666

Well, we broke up recently. After that happened and the way he did it made me realize that he wasn't the person for me. That I didn't love him like I thought I did. I had gotten lust mixed up with love.
I'm not actively seeking another relationship, but I do want to see what else is out there for me. Why would I want to sit around and mourn the loss of something that in hindsight, wasn't what I thought it was.


That lust thing is a bitch; easy to get crazy about and it blurs your perceptions and makes it easy to deny the problems. Believe me, been there, done that. You will get through it, I am still trying to get through mine, but it was a long one.

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RE: for subs...when you move on from your Dominant/Master - 1/10/2010 4:57:11 PM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lizi

My first D/s relationship ended because he was married and I never got enough time with him. He also didn't tell me he was married when we first got involved, I found out after I was already attached to him and by then I wanted to see if it would work out. After letting him go I went on to a period of seeing several different people at once (they all knew). Those relationships were a mix of sexual and non sexual and vanilla and D/s. I eventually settled on one man and it was a D/s relationship. It seemed right for me, I gained a lot of knowledge by trying the people and types of relationships that I did. I've come a long way in understanding what I want and need. I think anything I attempt now in the way of a relationship will be better since I just know myself better.

Lizi, i think thats a good point. The better you know yourself, the better you can navigate.


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RE: for subs...when you move on from your Dominant/Master - 1/10/2010 5:22:33 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

Lizi, i think thats a good point. The better you know yourself, the better you can navigate.



Thanks. I've pretty much gotten to the point now when I look again I'll have a nice succinct description of what I'm looking for and what I need out of it in my profile. It seems so easy- there isn't much to it, the description- but it took time, effort, pain, and anguish to find out. In the end you can navigate the heck out of something and it still can give you a surprise ot two but the more you know yourself the more success you'll have from the start and that will hopefully cut down on the surprises. All of the men I knew helped me find out what I want and what makes me happy.

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RE: for subs...when you move on from your Dominant/Master - 1/10/2010 5:48:05 PM   
alittleevil


Posts: 235
Joined: 10/25/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetboundesire
Just curious, when your first D/s relationship ended. How and why? And more so, what did you do after? Did you feel lost? Did you wait a long time before getting involved in this type of relationship again? Did you try vanilla and then get bored and go back?

What did you do with yourself and how did you find something that worked better for you?


Hello,

My first long-term D/s relationship ended when my Owner decided he no longer wanted to own me.  The relationship itself ended rather abruptly (from my perspective) some time after that.  It was exquisitely painful. Yes, i felt lost. Abandoned.  I would like to be able to say that i waited an appropriate amount of time to heal and engage in personal growth, but that's not me.  Not very good on my own. I met a lot of men.  Some of these men probably would not have considered themselves as being into SM or D/s but it was nonetheless some part of their personality or sexual behavior.  I think this was probably due to mutual self-selection: i was attracted to them because of some sort of 'vibe' and perhaps likewise.  But i knew that ultimately what i was seeking was another hmmm...what's the word...intentional...overt...dunno...D/s relationship. Eventually i met Master and he decided i would be his slave. I got lucky :-).

I hope you find peace,
aj


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RE: for subs...when you move on from your Dominant/Master - 1/10/2010 6:07:01 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I figured out what I needed before I entered into it. It's still going strong.

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RE: for subs...when you move on from your Dominant/Master - 1/10/2010 6:58:24 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		When your vanilla relationships ended, what did you do? You are still a person who invested time, energy and emotions into another person. When it ends, there is going to be some grieving over it. Completely natural. How much time it takes is depended on each individual. Some people can recover quickly, some more quickly by jumping into another relationship (although that is not usually a lasting one), others need to take time and be more selective the next time.

As for what to do with yourself, you do what feels best for you. Some cry, some eat ice cream and watch old movies, some go out with friends, some take a couple of days to wallow in the pain (which as long as it isn't long lasting is ok).

Really as long as you don't become a psycho stalker of the guy or slit your wrists, whatever you do to get over it is ok and natural.

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RE: for subs...when you move on from your Dominant/Master - 1/11/2010 1:53:08 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		When my relationship with the jealous boyfriend broke down, i did the same as i did before i met him; a whole lot of fucking about... i missed him terribly but at the same time i felt very good being free and making love with lots of guys again... and i am glad i did 'cos a few years later i met my Husband and i was back to being monogamous.

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RE: for subs...when you move on from your Dominant/Master - 1/11/2010 2:09:51 AM   
sweetsub1957


Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetboundesire

Just curious, when your first D/s relationship ended. How and why?
I found out my first Dom was married.  I dropped His ass like a hot potato for the lying, cheater He was.  If I couldn't trust Him to be honest, I couldn't trust Him period.
And more so, what did you do after? Did you feel lost?
I cried.  I felt shitty because I had been lied to and believed it.  I felt terrible for me AND I felt terrible for His wife and for what I had unwittingly done, that is helped Him to cheat on her.
Did you wait a long time before getting involved in this type of relationship again?
After I got over the feeling shitty & terrible, I got right back out there and started looking again.....this time asking Them all right in the beginning, "Are You married??"  Knowing full well that, if They were, why the hell would They want me to know, knowing I wouldn't get involved w/ Them?
Did you try vanilla and then get bored and go back?
Once I left 'nilla behind, I never went back.  I just learned that kinky people can lie and cheat too, 'nillas don't have an exclusive on that, but I'm never going back to 'nilla ever.
What did you do with yourself and how did you find something that worked better for you?
I spent a bit of time learning to feel better about myself again & learning to not feel guilty for being lied to, and then I went about being more careful than before looking for a Dom.  Taking more time in the search and not being so desperately needy helped a lot with that too. 


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RE: for subs...when you move on from your Dominant/Master - 1/11/2010 2:12:15 AM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetboundesire

Just curious, when your first D/s relationship ended. How and why? And more so, what did you do after? Did you feel lost? Did you wait a long time before getting involved in this type of relationship again? Did you try vanilla and then get bored and go back?

What did you do with yourself and how did you find something that worked better for you?

Because I discovered he had a vanilla 'wife' and I was his cheat.
I fell apart ntensely....for about a day.
Acute frief.
After that chronic mustrust.
Ecen when I am the insigator of the end there is still acute grief.
However the chronic mistrust never subsides it just accumulates.


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RE: for subs...when you move on from your Dominant/Master - 1/11/2010 4:58:07 PM   
wisdomtogive


Posts: 636
Joined: 11/13/2009
Status: offline 		I basically walked away from the 2 i had. I wanted to explore who i was on my own, and since we were not collared, it was easier to walk away. Takes a lot for me to commit to anyone, so these 2 provided the fertile ground for me to search myself and have a lot of self-chats.

Prior to them i was a widow, and learning to be single again. i used a lot of what he taught me to make it through the 5 years, plus my thirst to learn so many things, besides bdsm, that carried me into a healthy mind.

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RE: for subs...when you move on from your Dominant/Master - 1/11/2010 5:02:12 PM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		I got bored, or she got bored or it just died a natural death or the death of the relationship was filled with drama and angst.

I went fishing. Found some peace and once again enjoyed my time alone. Maybe I was bummed for awhile or completely okay with the ending. Either way, life moves on for those that allow such things to occur.

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