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who we are - 1/12/2010 7:09:16 AM   
Knighthunter862


Posts: 32
Joined: 12/30/2009
Status: offline 		If a submissive wife wants her vaniila hubby to learn how to give her what she neeeds,What are the odds that will succceed?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: who we are - 1/12/2010 7:16:17 AM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline 		50/50


Jeff

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(in reply to Knighthunter862)
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RE: who we are - 1/12/2010 7:20:11 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		It's impossible to give you a specific answer to your question.  The ability to succeed in such a case is going to vary on multiple factors.  Absolutely all of them go back to the individuals involved.

Can it succeed in some cases?  Yes!  There are quite a few folks out there where one spouse has introduced kink to the other and it's worked out fabulously.  Some even stop being 'vanilla hubby' and find their inner Dom.  In others, hubby turns out to be a service top and that works out as well.  Add in those who really are just not kinky, but find alternate methods, such as poly situations where hubby consents to the wife having an additional person in her life in the Dominant role.  There are also those who will find this is a huge area of incompatibility and the solution for them is to each seek partners who are more suited to their needs.

There's no way to determine which is the most common scenario.  It's up to the individuals and how it works for them.


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The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Knighthunter862)
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RE: who we are - 1/12/2010 7:22:13 AM   
AnnaOfAramis


Posts: 523
Joined: 7/30/2008
Status: offline 		Slim to none. Then again this is based on my own personal experience. It really depends on the man and what his personality is. Whether he is naturally dominant or somewhere leaning toward submissive. If he is Dominant it might be an easy transition for him to take more from his woman, however if he cannot easily discard the elements placed on him by society, then I believe it won't be successful. Many men who have been bred to believe that a woman should be treated a certain way will find it difficult to transition out of this thinking.

Again there is exceptions to every rule, yet it has been my displeasure to witness many a relationship, some extremely long standing, that have failed because one party wanted more from the other.

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in obsequium hominis

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RE: who we are - 1/12/2010 8:56:03 AM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Knighthunter862

If a submissive wife wants her vaniila hubby to learn how to give her what she neeeds,What are the odds that will succceed?



you ask a stupid question!.... there is no absolutes in a question like this..

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Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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RE: who we are - 1/12/2010 8:57:52 AM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Knighthunter862

If a submissive wife wants her vaniila hubby to learn how to give her what she neeeds,What are the odds that will succceed?
i my personal case? ZERO. Which is why i sought out a D-type, here on collarme.


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Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
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RE: who we are - 1/12/2010 9:42:03 AM   
osf


Posts: 3288
Joined: 10/19/2009
Status: offline 		i concur with the zip point of view, i have seen some try

i once knew a couple where he was sub and he'd bring her to meetings and she was at best bored most of the time but only went along for him

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all around nice guy and creative misogynist

i'm not very skilled so i just hit harder

i want a woman to make into the woman she never wanted to become

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RE: who we are - 1/12/2010 9:45:37 AM   
sexysweets


Posts: 11
Joined: 1/4/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Knighthunter862

If a submissive wife wants her vaniila hubby to learn how to give her what she neeeds,What are the odds that will succceed?


That depends on what goals the submissive wife has and her expectations on reaching them...

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RE: who we are - 1/12/2010 2:07:23 PM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		We were successful

(in reply to Knighthunter862)
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RE: who we are - 1/12/2010 2:24:58 PM   
Wolf2Bear


Posts: 3204
Joined: 9/6/2009
Status: offline 		depends on too many factors such as:

- are both their wants/needs/desires/ fairly compatible
- are their goals along the same line
- are they both willing to explore outside their way of thinking
- are they both willing to learn
- what are their motives  and are they in sync
- toss in hundreds of other variables

It all boils down to where both people see their relationship going and if they are willing to work to achieve those goals. Or it could be as Knight of Mists so eloquently stated.


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~Resident Sadist Approved~

Take the pain
Take the pleasure
I'm the master of both
Close your eyes, not your mind
Let me into your soul
I'm gonna work it 'til your totally blown

(in reply to Knighthunter862)
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RE: who we are - 1/12/2010 3:17:47 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Knighthunter862

If a submissive wife wants her vaniila hubby to learn how to give her what she neeeds,What are the odds that will succceed?


That's impossible to answer in general. I'd have to know the specifics of their relationship to even hope to give the odds.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to Knighthunter862)
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RE: who we are - 1/12/2010 6:34:36 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		50/50.

Does he NEED the same things as her? There's no way for us to tell.

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Profile   Post #: 12
RE: who we are - 1/12/2010 10:20:10 PM   
rockspider


Posts: 633
Joined: 9/26/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AnnaOfAramis
Again there is exceptions to every rule, yet it has been my displeasure to witness many a relationship, some extremely long standing, that have failed because one party wanted more from the other.

Yeah, I have seen a lot of those too. Like a bigger house, bigger car, more overseas holidays, a maid or 3 and then they complain that the poor bastard works 16 hours a day, so they divorce him and take him for as much they can get and some alimony for good measure.

(in reply to AnnaOfAramis)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: who we are - 1/12/2010 10:43:17 PM   
PrimalConsonance


Posts: 463
Joined: 7/11/2009
From: Southern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Knighthunter862

If a submissive wife wants her vaniila hubby to learn how to give her what she neeeds,What are the odds that will succceed?


In my opinion, not very good.  Most likely this nilla person may or may not have some pre-conceived notion of what BDSM is about (maybe they have seen "Exit To Eden" (which really helped the BDSM community to become more mainstream...) or more seriously they may not have it in them to actually feel for what they are doing outside of playing a role or playing a game of some sort.  And if they are not into it, then resentment will eventually set in and then it's downhill from there on a few counts. 

I would say 10% chance of survival from a cold start.   Odds are, it will be stigmatized and end in disaster.  I would also throw in there about a 3 - 5% chance that the hubby would end up being supportive and be there for her while he lets her do her thing and sits along side rooting her on the sidelines....yeah.  Not good odds there either.


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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss


(in reply to Knighthunter862)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: who we are - 1/13/2010 1:47:55 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Knighthunter862

If a submissive wife wants her vaniila hubby to learn how to give her what she neeeds,What are the odds that will succceed?

I'd rate the long-term chances at around the zero mark.... A vanilla is not a Dom (or sub) just as a hetero is not gay or even a male is not a female. Short-term though, I'd think most otherwise happy hubby/wife combos will work on their relationship, particularly what may be lacking in one partner's needs being met.

The Dominant psyche is about controlling your submissive partner - you can't learn or teach that; it comes with an individual's inbuilt hardwiring. A bit like being short when you'd rather be tall - you can't learn or teach that to others, either....

Focus.

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Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

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RE: who we are - 1/13/2010 1:59:09 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists


quote:

ORIGINAL: Knighthunter862

If a submissive wife wants her vaniila hubby to learn how to give her what she neeeds,What are the odds that will succceed?



you ask a stupid question!.... there is no absolutes in a question like this..

Notwithstanding that there's no "absolute" in the OP's question, what qualifies his question (or anyone's, really) as being "stupid" beyond your own regular passive/aggressive mood swings?

Perhaps a new signature line might be in order, too?

Focus.


_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

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Profile   Post #: 16
RE: who we are - 1/13/2010 4:31:14 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		No way to tell. He might be dominant, he might be sadistic but even if he is that doesn't mean he's dominant in the way she prefers or that their kink interests will match. She can't make him into the best dominant for her, she can only explain what she needs and encourage any attempts he makes in this field.

And it helps if she doesn't keep telling him he doesn't do it right, but instead understands that to do these things will require a whole new mindset for someone who is not physically violent.

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Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: who we are - 1/13/2010 6:03:26 AM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		You know these kinds of questions just don't have an answer.  If you succeed, 100%, if you don't?  Zero and then it doesn't matter.  It's like throwing crabs back into the ocean which have washed ashore and are dying.  You will never save all of them, but you will 100% save some of them.

*Does that make sense?

Best,
sunshine

*p.s.  Focus, nice to see you again.


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Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

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RE: who we are - 1/13/2010 7:19:20 AM   
peppermint


Posts: 5169
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Knighthunter862

If a submissive wife wants her vaniila hubby to learn how to give her what she neeeds,What are the odds that will succceed?


In my experience, not a chance in hell.  And the wife risks being outed to her kids by the resentful hubby who thinks she is a perv. 

(in reply to Knighthunter862)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: who we are - 1/13/2010 7:22:45 AM   
AsmodaisSin


Posts: 320
Joined: 7/28/2009
From: NOVA
Status: offline 		We weren't married, but my last vanilla boyfriend tried.  If anything else, he tried...and failed miserably.  i wanted it to work more-than-anything then.  i had just realized what i was.  i was scared of the understanding of it, of the realization that there were plenty of people similar to me.  He couldn't control me at all and i was TRYING to submit.  It just didn't feel right at all. 

Perhaps if we had gotten married, he might have succeeded a little better, but in all honesty, i know in my heart that it would not have worked out.  i wasn't made for him.  i was made for Daddy.


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Something so symbolic seeps from silence.

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Profile   Post #: 20
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