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Out Of Control Dom/me - 3/23/2006 7:40:14 AM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		I'm just curious, we've seen threads about out of control subs/slaves. What does a sub/slave do about an out of control Dom/me? What if the scenario were to run like this: You've done all your duties beautifully and your waiting for your Dom/me to come home. They come in the front door, angry, frustated from a bad day at work and traffic sucked, they then decide to lay into you for no other reason than...your there and you belong to them. 
What do you do? How do you handle it?

~Lashra
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RE: Out Of Control Dom/me - 3/23/2006 7:52:28 AM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		I think you could use a safe word to get his or her attention, hopefully that would allow them to know the are moving in to a place of non-consensual harm. Although i have a girl friend that says that it is her job to "take it" i personally don't think being an emotional punching bag is a sub/slaves duty.
 
If it happens alot, I would bring it up when things are calm and loving, and then create some sort of protocol where both people have defined actions and consequences for specific behavior.

(in reply to Lashra)
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RE: Out Of Control Dom/me - 3/23/2006 7:57:18 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Either endure the beating, or, hopefully, get into the energy of the anger.

Some doms can play responsibly with high emotions, including fear, and anger, and frustration.  Scenes can be cathartic for doms as well as subs and it can be a great service to provide.

If you're with a dom who is unable to play responsibly with high emotions, yet still attempts to do so, then you need to try and bring the issue to their attention as much as possible.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Lashra)
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RE: Out Of Control Dom/me - 3/23/2006 8:21:08 AM   
MrDiscipline44


Posts: 1776
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline 		I tell my girls that if I'm truely angry, they need to back up and extricate themselves from my area. Leave me be, I'll calm down after a while and be able to talk about what bothered me so much.

< Message edited by MrDiscipline44 -- 3/23/2006 8:22:46 AM >

_____________________________

If you love somebody, you have to be willing to break them.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

Have you slapped your slave today?

(in reply to Lashra)
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RE: Out Of Control Dom/me - 3/23/2006 8:27:20 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		First of all, i don't do things for him to get praise for it. If i spent all day tending to things, then i did it out of duty, love, and devotion to him. i did it because i wanted him walk in to everything being perfect.  If it is an expectation to have XYZ done when he comes home, i don't expect praise for having done XYZ.  "Don't expect accolades for meeting a baseline expectation," is what he has told me.

If he had come stomping in the door, throwing his things down, angry about the day, i would immediately go into "Master's in a bad mood" mode, and tend to him.  i would speak to him in a way that is pleasing, and get him whatever he wants/needs, and avail myself to him to take out his frustrations, whether by emotional or physical beating.

i am confident enough in our relationship to know that he loves me and cares for me and anything he might rant at me in such a circumstance is only his way of releasing steam.  If he wants to call me a stupid bitch, so be it, if it relaxes him.  Because afterwards i know he will scoop me up and say "you know I don't think you are stupid, pet." and i will snuggle into him and whimper, "of course, Master" and life will continue to be good.  Same as if he bloody's my ass with a whip - i will have served my purpose.

i hear so many times about how he thinks of me as his slave, that a bad day does not negate all of that.

(in reply to Lashra)
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RE: Out Of Control Dom/me - 3/23/2006 8:29:35 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MrDiscipline44

I tell my girls that if I'm truely angry, they need to back up and extricate themselves from my area. Leave me be, I'll calm down after a while and be able to talk about what bothered me so much.


~ smiles ~ Ah yes i forgot this option as well.  There are also the times when he is in a bad mood and just wants to be left alone.  In such cases i stay out of his way and don't talkt o him, yet i am available should he beckon for me.

(in reply to MrDiscipline44)
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RE: Out Of Control Dom/me - 3/23/2006 10:07:37 AM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

I think you could use a safe word to get his or her attention, hopefully that would allow them to know the are moving in to a place of non-consensual harm. Although i have a girl friend that says that it is her job to "take it" i personally don't think being an emotional punching bag is a sub/slaves duty.
 
If it happens alot, I would bring it up when things are calm and loving, and then create some sort of protocol where both people have defined actions and consequences for specific behavior.

I agree with you 100% just because you are a sub/slave doesn't give a person the right to be abusive. I think alot of subs/slave dont' know the difference between abusive behavior and *discipline*. I wonder sometimes if they have been in the lifestyle too long or have been perhaps brainwashed into thinking they have to be Mistress/Master's whipping boy/girl outside of a scene because it is *expected* of a sub/slave to take.
Sure we all get into bad moods and occasionally we strike out at those we love the most, but still even Dom/me's need to show some self control.

~Lashra

(in reply to crouchingtigress)
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RE: Out Of Control Dom/me - 3/23/2006 10:09:12 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lashra
I agree with you 100% just because you are a sub/slave doesn't give a person the right to be abusive.

You're throwing the A word around.

I don't necessarily see anything in your situation to suggest abuse.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Lashra)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Out Of Control Dom/me - 3/23/2006 10:16:16 AM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		When I get angry at the outside world, firstly I try not to take it out on my sub as he had nothing to do with it. But if I do lash out at him he says nothing and goes into another room of the house and I usually go for a walk. As I walk I think about why I was angry and why the heck I took it out on him, the one of the few people who loves me no matter what. I end up going home and apologizing. YES a dominant that apologizes to her sub for her own bad behavior. I tell him it wasn't his fault that I love him more then life and he is my most prized possession.

~Lashra

(in reply to Lashra)
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RE: Out Of Control Dom/me - 3/23/2006 10:23:44 AM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lashra
I agree with you 100% just because you are a sub/slave doesn't give a person the right to be abusive.

You're throwing the A word around.

I don't necessarily see anything in your situation to suggest abuse.

If someone walks in the door and explodes on you for no reason the potential for abuse could be there whether it be mental/physical. If a person is unable to control themselves due to a stressful day and then take that stress out on an innocent person, I would say they have an anger management problem. But everyone is entitled to their own opinions.

~Lashra 

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Out Of Control Dom/me - 3/23/2006 10:33:31 AM   
MasterHarry45


Posts: 1
Joined: 12/17/2004
Status: offline 		What happened to "self-control"?

(in reply to Lashra)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Out Of Control Dom/me - 3/23/2006 10:46:07 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lashra
If someone walks in the door and explodes on you for no reason the potential for abuse could be there whether it be mental/physical.

Of course.  But there's POTENTIAL for abuse in anything.  I didn't see anything in the scenario you initially presented to suggest any ACTUAL abuse.

quote:

 If a person is unable to control themselves due to a stressful day and then take that stress out on an innocent person, I would say they have an anger management problem. But everyone is entitled to their own opinions.

~Lashra 

But the person in your example didn't necessarily lose control.  They simply decided to beat the other person to vent emotional energy.

And the person isn't necessarily innocent- some slaves willingly ask or beg to be used like that.

IF a person is out of control, then yes, they need to stop what they are doing.  I said this in my initial response.

However, someone beating on someone due to anger or other emotions is NOT necessarily abusive.  Sometimes it can be very helpful and healing.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Lashra)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Out Of Control Dom/me - 3/23/2006 11:27:53 AM   
Angeni


Posts: 88
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

First of all, i don't do things for him to get praise for it. If i spent all day tending to things, then i did it out of duty, love, and devotion to him. i did it because i wanted him walk in to everything being perfect.  If it is an expectation to have XYZ done when he comes home, i don't expect praise for having done XYZ.  "Don't expect accolades for meeting a baseline expectation," is what he has told me.

If he had come stomping in the door, throwing his things down, angry about the day, i would immediately go into "Master's in a bad mood" mode, and tend to him.  i would speak to him in a way that is pleasing, and get him whatever he wants/needs, and avail myself to him to take out his frustrations, whether by emotional or physical beating.

i am confident enough in our relationship to know that he loves me and cares for me and anything he might rant at me in such a circumstance is only his way of releasing steam.  If he wants to call me a stupid bitch, so be it, if it relaxes him.  Because afterwards i know he will scoop me up and say "you know I don't think you are stupid, pet." and i will snuggle into him and whimper, "of course, Master" and life will continue to be good.  Same as if he bloody's my ass with a whip - i will have served my purpose.

i hear so many times about how he thinks of me as his slave, that a bad day does not negate all of that.

Could not have said it better than this.

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Out Of Control Dom/me - 3/23/2006 11:31:19 AM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		I know my slaves are hyper-sensitive and acutely aware of my moods. I know that one of mine can feel a deep pain if i so much use a disappointed or questioning tone.
 
Sure to many this is not abuse, but in our dynamic, I would never cause him undue hardship simply because I was in a pissy mood.
 
You speak of "actual abuse" I wonder how you define that, would you explain?
 
Defining the A word is tricky, I agree, but I define it as non-consensual harmful behavior. And I try to stay well clear of it because I know the long term destructive effects are not worth the momentary selfish indulgence of it.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Out Of Control Dom/me - 3/23/2006 11:40:18 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress
You speak of "actual abuse" I wonder how you define that, would you explain?

I don't have the ultimate definition of abuse, though it goes a lot towards the motivations of the abuser.
 
I was using actual abuse as a contrast to what was called potential abuse.
quote:

 
Defining the A word is tricky, I agree, but I define it as non-consensual harmful behavior. And I try to stay well clear of it because I know the long term destructive effects are not worth the momentary selfish indulgence of it.

In the example given, I didn't see any evidence of non-consensual harmful behavior. 

While in your situation, this example might have long term destructive effects, in other situations it might be perfectly healthy and have very good long term effects.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to crouchingtigress)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Out Of Control Dom/me - 3/23/2006 11:57:03 AM   
MHOO314


Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lashra

They come in the front door, angry, frustated from a bad day at work and traffic sucked, they then decide to lay into you for no other reason than...your there and you belong to them. 
What do you do? How do you handle it?

~Lashra


Personally, My family has always been My calming influence--I feel the same way with the boy, I see his smile, and all else seems silly.

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor


(in reply to Lashra)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Out Of Control Dom/me - 3/23/2006 12:00:01 PM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

First of all, i don't do things for him to get praise for it. If i spent all day tending to things, then i did it out of duty, love, and devotion to him. i did it because i wanted him walk in to everything being perfect.  If it is an expectation to have XYZ done when he comes home, i don't expect praise for having done XYZ.  "Don't expect accolades for meeting a baseline expectation," is what he has told me.

If he had come stomping in the door, throwing his things down, angry about the day, i would immediately go into "Master's in a bad mood" mode, and tend to him.  i would speak to him in a way that is pleasing, and get him whatever he wants/needs, and avail myself to him to take out his frustrations, whether by emotional or physical beating.

i am confident enough in our relationship to know that he loves me and cares for me and anything he might rant at me in such a circumstance is only his way of releasing steam.  If he wants to call me a stupid bitch, so be it, if it relaxes him.  Because afterwards i know he will scoop me up and say "you know I don't think you are stupid, pet." and i will snuggle into him and whimper, "of course, Master" and life will continue to be good.  Same as if he bloody's my ass with a whip - i will have served my purpose.

i hear so many times about how he thinks of me as his slave, that a bad day does not negate all of that.


I really truly respect your POV ownedgirlie, your words and sentiments are beautiful. One thing i might add in the way that i view things is that in your case, it is consensual you have given your Owner cart blanche to vent in this way.
 
But for many folks the experience of their owner venting, ranting, thrashing about out of control, is very painful and can lead to long term destructive effects, even after lengthy, sincere apologies.
 
Because what happens is that a violent out burst, esp when directed at them, shows the owner as not having control, and that then erodes the trust of the submissive long term because the thought goes logically "If she/he can not control her/himself how can they hope to control me?"
 
In your case it does not sound as though your owner looses control completely and it sounds as though you have learned what will work to calm him down.
 
In the situations I have seen/lived, the person going into the submissive i will do anything to please you mode, only creates more anger in the dominant and they feel entitled to heap on further abuse to make themselves feel better with out much awareness of the intoxicating destuctive effects it is creating.
 
Which I why i suggested a safeword, because both people are conditioned to that word as a way to keep safty and harmony in the relationship. It is a great reality check.
 
I am glad you owner is much more self aware and self composed. I wish they/we all were.

_____________________________


Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."




(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Out Of Control Dom/me - 3/23/2006 12:29:50 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lashra

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lashra
I agree with you 100% just because you are a sub/slave doesn't give a person the right to be abusive.

You're throwing the A word around.

I don't necessarily see anything in your situation to suggest abuse.

If someone walks in the door and explodes on you for no reason the potential for abuse could be there whether it be mental/physical. If a person is unable to control themselves due to a stressful day and then take that stress out on an innocent person, I would say they have an anger management problem. But everyone is entitled to their own opinions.

~Lashra 


This depends - is it an isolated incident or a habit?  If the owner has anger management issues, he/she should not be owning anyone in the first place, no?

(in reply to Lashra)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Out Of Control Dom/me - 3/23/2006 12:36:57 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		Crouchingtigress - thank you for your shared thoughts.  i agree with what you are saying, if One is out of control there are far greater risks at stake.  my Master has never lost control with me and i trust he never will.  i suspect if there is ever a time he felt he was losing control, he would remove himself until he was composed again.  But he is simply not that way, no matter how angry he gets (and trust me, i have seen him frighteningly angry!)

i suppose what it boils down to for me is, someone who could not maintain control of himself would certainly not have control of me. He would not be my Master if that were the case.

It is unfortunate, however, that some are in such unhealthy situations.  As someone who once suffered the consequences of someone who didn't have his shit together, my heart goes out to them. 


(in reply to crouchingtigress)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Out Of Control Dom/me - 3/23/2006 12:43:42 PM   
Tinmann


Posts: 3
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline 		if anything they should be relax ing and calming down  with you, you didn't cause their anger. and if you did make them angery, it's the wrong time to punish anyone when your angery. It sounds like they have no self control of their emotions.it's a shame they treat you like this.

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 20
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