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RE: Meeting - 1/19/2010 8:12:55 AM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

What do you do before meeting someone from CM for the first time?


Skype. If I fly her in, she obviously needs to give me enough information for me to book the flight, I provide enough information for her to access a public convictions database and make sure I am not an axe murderer, and I book her a hotel close to the airport for the first night, so she can decide to turn around if she wants to.

Over the years, I've normally gone by my gut, and so far, knock on wood, it has all worked out well, including some long term friendships.

I am very quick cutting someone off when anything at all in the communications doesn't feel right - I lived and worked in NYC long enough to be thoroughly paranoid. I make sure I exchange emails so I know her IP address is where she says she is. I use a proxy server so my IP address is all over the USA, randomly. I carry a gun.

Fashion? Depending on the weather, I take the T-tops off my Camaro

(in reply to PainfullyCurious)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Meeting - 1/19/2010 8:39:53 AM   
afkarr


Posts: 328
Joined: 1/13/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AnimusRex


quote:

ORIGINAL: PainfullyCurious

What do you do before meeting someone from CM for the first time?


1. Take my meds;
2. Get that oozing thing on my you-know-what looked at;
3. Call my parole officer;
4. Home Depot shopping list- Rope, duct tape, sandpaper,spring clips, extra large plastic tub
5. Buy card- compose poem inside- "I respect your submission as a beautiful gift..."
6. Google "extradition, France"

Nothing special, really



So how's that work out for you when the date turns out to be your parole officer??? And really, now, why waste time composing a poem all by your lonesme, it so much easier to copy one from the net (hint- if you're going to plagorize Lord Byron, you may want to work on eliminating "ain't" and "fixin to" from your spoken vocabulary first).

in addition to the sensible precautions of meeting in public, following your gut, etc, you may want to arrange a safe call with a friend- they call you at a prearranged time, with the agreement that if you don't answer after 2 calls, or if they hear "I'm just peachy" instead of "I'm fine" they call out the flying monkeys.

(in reply to AnimusRex)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Meeting - 1/19/2010 8:44:34 AM   
PainfullyCurious


Posts: 157
Joined: 10/26/2009
Status: offline 		Thank You Everyone!
The safety tips were along the lines of what I was thinking I should do.
The unsafe tips are along the lines of my fantasies, and what I was thinking I want to do. :o)
How to reconcile? I think I will play if safe.

I am happy now too that I have told some friends about all this and that is clearly posted in my journal. If something terrible happened, they could give the police the right info on where we met right away.


(Just a side note - It's one thing if I send my friends the photo and information because I am meeting someone and I want them to know. It's another thing entirely when they peice together the info I have mentioned and start googling to find pics of the guys I tell them about! LOL. I'm thinking I'm not the only one who is so curious.... )

(in reply to antipode)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Meeting - 1/19/2010 8:57:42 AM   
yellowroses


Posts: 167
Joined: 6/12/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AnimusRex


quote:

ORIGINAL: PainfullyCurious

What do you do before meeting someone from CM for the first time?


1. Take my meds;
2. Get that oozing thing on my you-know-what looked at;
3. Call my parole officer;
4. Home Depot shopping list- Rope, duct tape, sandpaper,spring clips, extra large plastic tub
5. Buy card- compose poem inside- "I respect your submission as a beautiful gift..."
6. Google "extradition, France"

Nothing special, really


Oh I just had to post after I saw this-You are too funny. I always wondered what you did before our first meeting. I never got the card though and you didn't use the rope until much later in our relationship.

OP_
Suggestions that I would have for a first meeting have already been posted.
Meet in a public place
Exchanged phone numbers
Let someone know where you are going and when you will be back

Good luck!

kim

(in reply to AnimusRex)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Meeting - 1/19/2010 9:13:20 AM   
sweetsub1957


Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: PainfullyCurious

What do you do before meeting someone from CM for the first time?
(Input on anything from precautions to fashion tips welcome.) :o)

I haven't been on any vanilla dating sites either, so saying that you handle it just like meeting anyone else would not be very helpful. Also, some people on CM are more concerned about discretion...

How much information do you like to have about/give to the person you are meeting? Full name? Pic? Phone number? No information at all?

I take a shower etc & wear clean, attractive clothes and make-up when I'm going to meet them.  I want to know at least a first name, and I've always met in a public place the first time.  Also, before that point I want to find out if he's married (a no go unless he's poly, open & honest w/ her), have a pic so I will recognize him/them & a phone #.  It's always good to have a cell# if it's available, just in case there are problems and I or he/they are going to be late for some unforeseen reason.

_____________________________

Member: Lance's Fag Hags.

"That's not just a chip on her shoulder, that's the whole potato!" ~Lady Angelika~

In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

(in reply to PainfullyCurious)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Meeting - 1/19/2010 9:36:34 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		Never meet in a hotel room, at home or at the cabin in the woods.
Do meet in a busy place like a cafe or some other place that has lots of people around.
Do not take contraception with you, it's tempting.
Don't have sex on the first meet.
Don't play on the first meet.
Have a 'safe call' set up or tell someone where you are going and why.
Go with another person to back you up.
Make sure you have a current picture of the person (because everyone knows that works).
Don't place unrealistic expectations on the relationship or the person or yourself.

Once you have all the above - realise that you are likely to only follow about 8-10% of them and that most people don't practice what they preach.

And by the time someone has contacted the police for your safety, it is likely that it will already be too late.

the.dark.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to PainfullyCurious)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Meeting - 1/19/2010 9:42:37 AM   
HisSweetElysium


Posts: 600
Joined: 11/12/2009
Status: offline 		I had a long list of questions I liked to cover before meeting. usually I liked to talk for a while online beforehand. Anyone who was too damned impatient to take the time to get to know me first was an instant no go.  Like most others, always a public place, one of my choice, usually during the day. 
Some of my questions:
first and last name (for googling purposes)
phone number


and directly asking:
are you married?
how old are you?
do you have children?
what do you do for a living?
where do you live?
what sort of relationship are you looking for?
are you currently seeing someone?
is it a problem if I call a friend while we are together?
do you have any physical/psychological problems I should be aware of?
is there anything else about you I should be aware of?

and of course, lots of pictures. I don't feel weird about that, b/c without a single exception, every Dom I talked to wanted to see a million of me, so that works both ways.

even with all of these precautions, I got lied to and burnt a bunch of times. Yes it was frustrating and annoying, but it's really no different than "normal" dating, so I tried not to get discouraged.  BTW, most of these questions result from experiences where I didn't ask them, and then upon meeting the person wished I had!!!!!



_____________________________

“This is love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment. First to let go of life. Finally, to take a step without feet.” Rumi

(in reply to sweetsub1957)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Meeting - 1/19/2010 9:44:21 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		OP, seriously? If you actually need someone to tell you NOT to go to a hotel room or someone's home or not get proof of name and phone number and photo no matter how fab the fantasy seems.......

Then you are not ready to be a functioning adult.

(in reply to RCdc)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Meeting - 1/19/2010 10:29:24 AM   
pompeii


Posts: 934
Joined: 1/4/2007
From: Silicon Valley, San Jose, California
Status: offline 		I take a shower and spritz a bit of cologne on my body parts ... 

(in reply to tsatske)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Meeting - 1/19/2010 12:34:34 PM   
lucylucy


Posts: 612
Joined: 3/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tsatske

lucylucy,
since you discussed the rape play ahead of time, it was actually a bigger risk for him than for you. If the chick you never met called the police, even showing them logs where she 'begged to be raped' is not gonna get you out of that one. Trust your instincts when it comes to trust issues - guys too. guys tend to think they are not in danger at all, and the danger is, in fact, pretty equally shared.

Great point!

_____________________________

“There are those who give with joy, & that joy is their reward.” Gibran / "Those who are willing to be vulnerable move among mysteries." Roethke / "Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel & kiss the ground." Rumi

(in reply to tsatske)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Meeting - 1/19/2010 9:09:44 PM   
PainfullyCurious


Posts: 157
Joined: 10/26/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

OP, seriously? If you actually need someone to tell you NOT to go to a hotel room or someone's home or not get proof of name and phone number and photo no matter how fab the fantasy seems.......

Then you are not ready to be a functioning adult.



Yes, clearly that's what I was getting at in my question... Not looking for good suggestions on how to set up a safe call or anything.

Thank God you're here to tell me what an idiot I am for asking about precautions and such! You've added so much to the discussion.

(in reply to sexyred1)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Meeting - 1/20/2010 3:49:10 AM   
NibbyJibby


Posts: 85
Joined: 7/9/2006
Status: offline 		Before meeting usually sufficient trust and conversation has been shared that to provide full name, current photo, phone and basic personal information is not a issue for me. My expectation shortly after contact is to receive a recent photo and certainly to receive before meeting. Before arrival i will typically purchase a gift... Godiva chocolates, or a leather/barb wire long stemmed black rose, or a 'Rainbow' rose. In conversation if mention is made of a favourite wine, hobby or interest then i gift in that direction.

If a professional session or geared strongly towards power exchange & play, typically to arrive directly is the norm. If it is more social in aspect or without strong emphasis on play the norm is to initially meet in a public place such as pub, cafe or restaurant.

I strongly believe my providing photo, name, phone and honestly answering personal questions builds trust; i also feel the onus is on me to build that trust. I am not an information hound and so do not request such info other than photo and real first name, however with professional session a real first name matters not to me. Before and during meeting process i try to determine integrity and honesty as best i can. If my inner voice is content and my initial expectations satisfied then i just go with the flow.


If you are not pushing the envelope... you are not pushing hard enough





(in reply to PainfullyCurious)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Meeting - 1/20/2010 4:30:17 AM   
wandersalone


Posts: 4666
Joined: 11/21/2005
Status: offline 		I think the first couple of times I met someone I set up safe calls and got all of the details etc, met in public blah blah but for the most part I often will only have a name and sometimes not even that.  I have scened with some guys the first time we met and had sex and gone to their homes the first time..... you get the drift.  I also do do the coffee shop thing as well sometimes- I am not a total slut you know

I use my common sense and trust my instincts, I try not to build up too many expectations and I like to meet early before I have built up too much  of a picture of them in my head.  Less disappointing that way.

I have made a lot of friends though these casual meets


_____________________________

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. Martin Luther King
Godmother of the subbie mafia
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(in reply to NibbyJibby)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Meeting - 1/20/2010 5:55:10 AM   
NibbyJibby


Posts: 85
Joined: 7/9/2006
Status: offline
quote:

Trust your instincts when it comes to trust issues - guys too. guys tend to think they are not in danger at all, and the danger is, in fact, pretty equally shared.
quote:




Tsatske, your comment brought forth a forgotten memory of a incident from years ago. True as a guy with much confidence i seldom feel/felt in danger. To this day i remember her only as the Mistress from hell. I showed up at her place just off Central Park not exactly in best looking of neighbourhoods and warning bells start going off. Recall having awareness and apprehension, but young, cocky, confident and advenuresome i continue forth. At her apartment i am full of doubts but having come this far knocked on the door. She looked older than her photo and nylons were all saggy... saggy nylons is a turn-off for a sub with a big-time legs fetish. Why the fuck i did not leave, i really do not know. All signs were wrong, my inner voice was screaming and i knew better, but enter i did and basically endured a whip and beat session.  It sucked and i felt glad to escape. That was my first in-person session with someone long distance, someone i did not know. Ohhh to be young and naive, brimming with confidence and suddenly have it transformed to true deep fear. Perhaps a year later i found courage to satisfy my submissive cravings again and visted Lady Carla of Hartford. The most intense and memorable session of my life and i take pride and cherish it still. She insisted on a safeword "playground" and i would have screamed it but session was so wonderfully personal and so painfully intense that i could not recall it :-)

So yes sage words you have spoken!


If You are not pushing the envelope... you are not pushing hard enough!

< Message edited by NibbyJibby -- 1/20/2010 5:56:09 AM >

(in reply to tsatske)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Meeting - 1/20/2010 8:48:53 AM   
PainfullyCurious


Posts: 157
Joined: 10/26/2009
Status: offline 		Thank You. I think all of those questions are important.
I can never gaurentee that I will get direct answers, but it doesn't hurt to ask. My gut will usually kick in at some point and let me know something is sounding just a little off even if you don't know exactly what it is...

quote:

ORIGINAL: HisSweetElysium

I had a long list of questions I liked to cover before meeting. usually I liked to talk for a while online beforehand. Anyone who was too damned impatient to take the time to get to know me first was an instant no go.  Like most others, always a public place, one of my choice, usually during the day. 
Some of my questions:
first and last name (for googling purposes)
phone number


and directly asking:
are you married?
how old are you?
do you have children?
what do you do for a living?
where do you live?
what sort of relationship are you looking for?
are you currently seeing someone?
is it a problem if I call a friend while we are together?
do you have any physical/psychological problems I should be aware of?
is there anything else about you I should be aware of?

and of course, lots of pictures. I don't feel weird about that, b/c without a single exception, every Dom I talked to wanted to see a million of me, so that works both ways.

even with all of these precautions, I got lied to and burnt a bunch of times. Yes it was frustrating and annoying, but it's really no different than "normal" dating, so I tried not to get discouraged.  BTW, most of these questions result from experiences where I didn't ask them, and then upon meeting the person wished I had!!!!!




(in reply to HisSweetElysium)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Meeting - 1/20/2010 9:06:03 AM   
PainfullyCurious


Posts: 157
Joined: 10/26/2009
Status: offline
Thank you for everything you said- I am really glad you mentioned this specifically though...

quote:

ORIGINAL: NibbyJibby

I strongly believe my providing photo, name, phone and honestly answering personal questions builds trust; i also feel the onus is on me to build that trust. I am not an information hound and so do not request such info other than photo and real first name, however with professional session a real first name matters not to me. Before and during meeting process i try to determine integrity and honesty as best i can. If my inner voice is content and my initial expectations satisfied then i just go with the flow.


If you are not pushing the envelope... you are not pushing hard enough




I am fairly sure one of the people I am considering meeting does not read the message boards... Hmm.. I was going to sort this out in my own head... but it can't hurt to have other perspectives...

He made a comment last night. He was telling me what he would like to do to me in bed, and I wouldn't feel comfortable doing those things tomorrow and I made a comment about establishing some trust first.

His response was this: You can't really establish trust. In the end, we all just go on faith.

Faith is needed, yes... but... He says plainly that he is not a Dom and has no desire to have a sub and control other aspects of her life. He just likes to be in control and give pain in the bedroom. He's mentioned in the past that he enjoys the "mind-fnck" of having the woman not know how far he might go.

The idea is exciting to me, but at the same time I don't want to set myself up for my first bdsm experience to go badly. I would usually talk directly to someone about the concerns that I have, but really this seems more like a time where I have to accept or move on. I don't see anything to clarify or negotiate...

How important is it to you that the person you are going to meet cares to- or actively tries to- establish trust?


(in reply to NibbyJibby)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Meeting - 1/20/2010 9:07:27 AM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

Thank God you're here to tell me what an idiot I am


There are those that are gullible to the point that they should not be allowed out of the house without a minder... No way of telling if that is you.

(in reply to PainfullyCurious)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Meeting - 1/20/2010 9:14:24 AM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NibbyJibby
I strongly believe my providing photo, name, phone and honestly answering personal questions builds trust; i also feel the onus is on me to build that trust.

I agree with this.  I have also been very willing to give out my professional web site, which has plenty of contact info.  I think it's created an atmosphere where people are more willing to trust me and be open with me, because I lay everything out.

Of course, I'm unblackmailable.  Not everyone is in that situation.  (However, I think most people who think they are blackmailable really aren't, and the problem is more that they haven't come to terms with something inside themselves, but that's a topic for another post, and, believe me, people get awfully upset if I try to press that point, so take it for whatever you think it's worth.)

The long and the short of it is this: there really are very very few sociopaths on the internet.  The worst risk you are likely to run, even if you take no precautions whatever, is a date with a guy who picks his nose and then hands you a piece of French bread.


_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to NibbyJibby)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Meeting - 1/20/2010 9:18:20 AM   
Rule


Posts: 10479
Joined: 12/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: antipode
quote:

Thank God you're here to tell me what an idiot I am

There are those that are gullible to the point that they should not be allowed out of the house without a minder... No way of telling if that is you.

I can tell that it is her.

Indeed, you do well to thank God that sexyred1 is here to tell you that you are an idiot, PainfullyCurious.

Do not talk to again and most certainly do not meet that creep that is clearly about to abuse you and perchance murder you in some obscure hotel room.

Whether a dominant or a top, a submissive or slave must be able to trust him. This creep that you are considering to meet has already admitted that he is neither a dominant nor a top and is clearly not trustworthy.

(in reply to antipode)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Meeting - 1/20/2010 9:21:30 AM   
RumpusParable


Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline 		I meet folks from collarme the same way as I'd meet them at a bookstore:  in public and asking their name, then chatting together.  I don't give or receive a phone number or do a background check on someone I'm just meeting by accident at a coffee shop, there's no reason to do so when just meeting someone from here.  I just, in both cases, get to know them in public before knowing them in private.

_____________________________

Relationships come and go, but plastination is forever.

I generally use fast-reply. If directing my post at someone specific I will indicate so.

Minimal summary: Artist, Disabled Veteran, Vegan, Pornographer, and Agender dominant female.

(in reply to Rule)
Profile   Post #: 40
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