I would love some serious insight on my limbo (Full Version)

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MyOtherProfile2 -> I would love some serious insight on my limbo (1/20/2010 8:27:26 PM)

I created this profile specifically to make this thread and protect the anonymity of the other party involved. On my other profile I am active on the site and on the boards. I'm hoping some intelligent, D/s experienced people can offer some insight.

My D/s relationship appears to be dying and I'm not entirely sure why. I'll start out by telling you about the relationship. It is my first

We met here a few months ago. After exchanging a lot of fun and flirty messages and discovering an alarming amount of things/kinks in common we decided to meet. We had a fantastic first "date" (that lasted three days). Things went so well we continued to spend the weekends together. The more we talked we found out we were perfect for each other, or at least as close to perfect as one gets. We both have very extensive lists of kinks/fantasies and our lists are nearly identical (some kinks being quite rare). We both discovered we had very similar goals in life and specifically wanted to get into the same industry. I'm telling you if I was asked to write on paper all of the things THE perfect woman/sub would posses she either had them all or was willing (and eager even) to make the necessary changes to have/be them. Most of the changes I wanted to make on her were changes she wanted to make for herself before meeting me. From what I could tell I was pretty close to her ideal match as well. It was UNCANNY

I think these similarities made us rush into this relationship very fast emotionally. She wanted to be heavily controlled and I wanted to exercise a lot of control so I did, giving her tasks and things to report back to me on. Most of these things were things she was doing anyway (diet, fitness, etc) but I was just requiring her to report and kept a watchful eye for the occasional laziness/cheating that we all do for things like that. After a few weeks of this it proved counterproductive and she had a very hard time adjusting to the control. I decided that it was too much too soon so I backed off giving her fewer things to accomplish while we were apart. I decided perhaps it was best to build the emotional bond first before flexing my dominant muscles. After all, submission is earned through things like trust, affection, intimacy, etc. So that became my focus

Things seemed better after this and we settled into a happy D/s relationship. Our weekends were fantastic (albeit a little too vanilla for both our tastes). We shared tons of laughs, intimate moments, and an intense closeness was growing between us. I met her family and friends, she met my friends. We bought tons of Christmas gifts for each other and I swear she had constant smile and/or look of adoration for me nearly every moment we spent together. However, when she went home she felt some sort of separation anxiety and would disobey the simplest of requests and post blogs/comments about difficulties she was experiencing with offering her submission. We would talk it out and as the new weekend approached she would be more positive and those worries and fears would turn into feelings of excitement and anticipation for the coming weekend (she wrote those blogs/comments too). Though I was the first person to tell all my friends never rush into a relationship emotionally I was doing just that because everything was so perfect. She called me her owner, I called her my (insert random degrading term of endearment here).

The other side of everything was our life goals. One of her darkest kinks is to actually start escorting. She had done it for a month or so before but quit because her partner (another escort she shared an incall apartment with) was INSANE. Other than her partner she had nothing but positive things to say about it and REALLY wanted to do it again. She also wanted to become and adult actress/model. I have always wanted to get into talent management (specifically adult) so it seemed our professional lives were meant to be together as well. At first I planned on this coming to fruition down the road but she kept telling me she wanted to "work" so I said fine, Let's DO IT! I scheduled a photo shoot, researched all I could about the business and local market, talked to some acquaintances who also escort, hammered out an availability schedule and list of dos and don'ts and created profiles for her on escorting websites. I published her add and began communicating with potential clients. It was going off without a hitch.

Then she texted me and told me to wait as she wanted to think about it. I gave her some time and when I finally got back in touch with her (not an easy task) she said she no longer to do it. I was angry at first because this was something she seemed gung ho on from the beginning and I had invested A LOT of time and some money into it. I suspected nothing more than cold feet. I regretfully mentioned this kink of hers was a part of my attraction to her. We decided to sleep on it. The next morning she didn't send her daily "good morning" text which I required of her (at this point it was one of the only things I required her to do when we were apart). This angered me further. She finally texted good morning at 2PM to which I replied "it isn't morning" and I didn't talk to her for the rest of the day. While we're apart the only way I can punish her is with a temporary emotional disconnect.

When I decided to end the punishment I couldn't get back in touch with her. I noticed on her Fetlife account she had removed most of the information pertaining to me and her devotion to me. She had written a blog wrought with anger and resentment though the language did not specify one singular subject. I still couldn't get in touch with her. She wouldn't answer her phone or texts. Later the next day she removed any trace of me in her profile and still wouldn't respond to my calls and messages.

She finally responded with her reasons for not wanting to escort and they seemed like pretty damn good reasons. I never for one second wanted to pressure her into this. I responded back saying I agreed and that that was only a small part of what we had and that there is no reason the rest can't continue to flourish. She said to give her time but I still can't help but feel like this is coming to an end. I was falling in love with her.

Part of me thinks this might be a test and that I should be my natural dominant self and seize her, set her straight and remind her everything is fine and that if she follows me I will lead us to happiness and fulfillment. After all, that is what above all other things continually drew her to me. But the other half thinks this is serious and more than a test and knows that anytime someone asks for space the absolute LAST thing one should do is push, D/s, vanilla or otherwise. I can't stand the feeling of uncertainty and the loss of control. We had seen each other less than 12 hours before this began. She smiled at me and told me she'd miss me as I went off to work. The previous night we had had what was my most intense pain scene (I'm new to the sado/masochist thing, she's fairly experienced) and apparently I have a lot to learn but she said she was looking forward to my growth and education in that department. She left a lot of her things at my place. With all that I can't believe this was something that had been brewing but at the same time who decides to walk away from an intense relationship like this on a whim?

If nobody reads or responds to this ridiculously long post I don't blame you. At least it did me some good just to write it out.


What say you?





juliaoceania -> RE: I would love some serious insight on my limbo (1/20/2010 8:36:47 PM)

I wish I had something to say to help you...

I read it, and whilst on your other nic you may think I am a jerkfaced bitch, it does not matter to me in offering to put you in my thoughts and sending positive vibes your way...

One thing I can tell you from surviving the breakup of a significant D/s relationship, it does get easier with time and you will move on if this is the end..



LadyAngelika -> RE: I would love some serious insight on my limbo (1/20/2010 8:40:51 PM)

quote:

Part of me thinks this might be a test and that I should be my natural dominant self and seize her, set her straight and remind her everything is fine and that if she follows me I will lead us to happiness and fulfillment.


That is a natural dominant reaction and you have no idea how many times I've wanted to do that with wishywashy boys.

But the bottom line is, if you force her to come back, there is a huge chance that she will play the little runnaway when ever things go wrong. Do you want to be her partner or her parent? You will inevitably end up with a very dysfunctional relationship, which may be a kink for you, though I don't really recommend it.

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were.

I've learned that the ones that are really into me and are into committing will come back after they had their little freak out.

- LA



KITTYLECTRO -> RE: I would love some serious insight on my limbo (1/20/2010 8:54:56 PM)

No one is worth being arrested over, especially someone avoiding you. 



Whiplashsmile4 -> RE: I would love some serious insight on my limbo (1/20/2010 9:10:38 PM)

Being in a state of limbo with somebody you have an emotional connection with, well.. it's just not easy. Wish I had some real good solid advice for you. I understand what it's like because it does and will test you as a person. It's not so much that she's trying to test you per se but rather the experience of being in a state of limbo will test you. I wish I could say, that you as a Dominant is being tested, but it exceeds that. At least in my own experiences it tends to test me as a whole person.

Be who you are, without regard to looking at it from a D/s relationship perspective. (I don't know if that makes any sense). I guess, what I'm trying to express is don't look at everything trying to apply the orientation labels. Simply apply the all natural (who you are) perspective you'd take if she were a mere vanilla girl.

Pushing, may or may not be a bad thing. There are times when pushing is what the other person needs or is actually looking for. Ironic, there were times when I walked away from somebody to later hear them say how much they wanted me to push. Ironic as that sounds.

You're right to say, who in their right mind would walk away from an intense relationship like what you have. My advice is hang in there and do what you can to hold onto it, and you'll know when the time is right for you to walk away. You'll be able to do so with a clear consious that you did what you could do. But wait, keep in mind also, that the experience may end up dragging you down. Be prepared to mentally deal with things, and know your limits and be aware of how it's effecting you. Be in touch with yourself. Because no piece of Ass (sound blunt and rude) is really worth it if it drags you down in the end.

I really don't have any solid advice for you, just some thoughts for you to think about. It's okay to kick somebody to the curb. Some people kick other people to the curb way too fast, and other people don't do it soon enough. Don't give up right away, yet don't kick a dead horse to death either. Limbo can become a state of living mental hell.



AnimusRex -> RE: I would love some serious insight on my limbo (1/20/2010 9:18:44 PM)

OP
It sounds to me like you both are very intense, mercurial sorts of people; you both seek high energy, extreme activies and thrive on the whirlwind romance and excitement of meeting your One True Soulmate.

But those who love intensely, fight intensely. Except your version of fighting is not to yell and argue and express, it is to shut off the contact and intimacy.

The very contact and intimacy that you both feed from.

If she were a cool, cerebral, left brain sort, she could probably handle it, then you both could have a long talk over a cup of coffee.

But thats not the sort of personalities I see described here.

I don't have a solution here- its entirely possible that you are too alike to be good for each other. What would a lifetime be like with this sort of rollercoaster manic depressive pairing? I just don't know.

But a lifetime might never have been in the cards, right? Micromanaged control is not really conducive to a long term married lifetime; and escorting isn't really a "life goal", its the thing women do for a short while, then retire from.

I think you both wanted things that by their very nature are short lived, ephemeral erotic fantasies that pass away suddenly. She just woke up before you did.



SailingBum -> RE: I would love some serious insight on my limbo (1/20/2010 9:26:32 PM)

Typically I dont respond to someone who is to chickenshit to show who they are.  BUT  there is always the exception.  Lemme get this straight you had a relationship with a whore and your wondering what the hell went wrong???  You prolly put the fun in the dysfunctional  <Cuff bullshit cuff>  "relationship".

My advice is therapy, and  no im not kidding.

BadOne




MyOtherProfile2 -> RE: I would love some serious insight on my limbo (1/20/2010 9:40:39 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

Typically I dont respond to someone who is to chickenshit to show who they are.  BUT  there is always the exception.  Lemme get this straight you had a relationship with a whore and your wondering what the hell went wrong???  You prolly put the fun in the dysfunctional  <Cuff bullshit cuff>  "relationship".

My advice is therapy, and  no im not kidding.

BadOne




I have nothing to hide but considering the things I revealed about her I don't want to take any chance of this getting back to her. There are those who seek this kind of information to hurt her and her family.

Her whorish desires are but a small part of her. Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think she's the first sub/slave to desire being used by many different men. In fact, her reasoning for no longer wanting to do it was that it was something she did when she was alone because she had nobody to give herself to. She was a planet without a sun to orbit so she wanted to destroy her purposeless existence through the cheap use of many men, one john at a time. But since finding her sun, she no longer desired to do that and instead wanted to live for love.

On a positive note she restored acknowledgment of our relationship on her Fetlife profile (albeit saying "It's Complicated")



tsatske -> RE: I would love some serious insight on my limbo (1/20/2010 9:40:56 PM)

AnimusRex,
I think you hit the nail on the head in that the 'punishments' may be a big part of the problem.
I understand that some people chose a punishment dynamic. I understand that an LDR, or weekends only contact, has it's own special problems. I understand that the two together create more problems.
None the less, for those who chose punishment, there is a class of punishments I call the 'nuclear bombs'. Some of them are different for everyone, and you must get to know your partner to know what they are. But some are pretty common - like no contact.
The nuclear bombs can be used - very rarely, when a nuclear bomb is warrented. But, in general, they should be avioded, as they only do damage to a relationship.

Also, it sounds like she, without your noticing it, basicly pressured you into pressuring her into something. She was probably reluctant but wanted to try, and not super self aware or honest with herself, so she arranged it so if she didn't like it, she wouldn't have to blame herself, and that is what is happening now.

One more thing - you mentioned it was 'uncanny' how well matched you were. I would advise you to think back over those early conversations in which you discovered this 'uncanny' match and make sure you were both contributing equally to the new, 'uncannily matched' info that you were discovering about each other. Are you sure she wasn't just parroting everything you wanted, no matter what it was, and thereby becoming the perfect match by virtue of being nothing more than a mirror?



Whiplashsmile4 -> RE: I would love some serious insight on my limbo (1/20/2010 9:55:58 PM)

I've been rereading your post. It would appear that she did not respond in the manner you were expecting, in regards to using temporary emotional disconnection as a punishment. I get the impression that this punishment was rather much for her, and her response was to remove all mention of you and ignore you (to show you what it feels like to be emotionally disconnected). I'm sort of wondering about the who ended up testing who here. Again, just a thought I was having while rereading your post.

For some, temporary emotional disconnection, is on par with taking a collar back as a form of punishment.



MyOtherProfile2 -> RE: I would love some serious insight on my limbo (1/20/2010 9:57:07 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: AnimusRex

OP
It sounds to me like you both are very intense, mercurial sorts of people; you both seek high energy, extreme activies and thrive on the whirlwind romance and excitement of meeting your One True Soulmate.

But those who love intensely, fight intensely. Except your version of fighting is not to yell and argue and express, it is to shut off the contact and intimacy.

The very contact and intimacy that you both feed from.

If she were a cool, cerebral, left brain sort, she could probably handle it, then you both could have a long talk over a cup of coffee.

But thats not the sort of personalities I see described here.

I don't have a solution here- its entirely possible that you are too alike to be good for each other. What would a lifetime be like with this sort of rollercoaster manic depressive pairing? I just don't know.

But a lifetime might never have been in the cards, right? Micromanaged control is not really conducive to a long term married lifetime; and escorting isn't really a "life goal", its the thing women do for a short while, then retire from.

I think you both wanted things that by their very nature are short lived, ephemeral erotic fantasies that pass away suddenly. She just woke up before you did.


Yes Animus, I believe you did hit a lot of key points although until meeting her I had resigned to fucking girls from clubs and bars and never giving a thought to a "one true love". But yes, we are both intense people. She is a manic depressive when she feels to be without purpose (someone to serve). However, we both realized the escorting was temporary. Even the adult film career was to be temporary. They were all a short term means to an end which we had planned out. Perhaps we are too good of a match

quote:

ORIGINAL: tsatske

AnimusRex,
I think you hit the nail on the head in that the 'punishments' may be a big part of the problem.
I understand that some people chose a punishment dynamic. I understand that an LDR, or weekends only contact, has it's own special problems. I understand that the two together create more problems.
None the less, for those who chose punishment, there is a class of punishments I call the 'nuclear bombs'. Some of them are different for everyone, and you must get to know your partner to know what they are. But some are pretty common - like no contact.
The nuclear bombs can be used - very rarely, when a nuclear bomb is warrented. But, in general, they should be avioded, as they only do damage to a relationship.

Also, it sounds like she, without your noticing it, basicly pressured you into pressuring her into something. She was probably reluctant but wanted to try, and not super self aware or honest with herself, so she arranged it so if she didn't like it, she wouldn't have to blame herself, and that is what is happening now.

One more thing - you mentioned it was 'uncanny' how well matched you were. I would advise you to think back over those early conversations in which you discovered this 'uncanny' match and make sure you were both contributing equally to the new, 'uncannily matched' info that you were discovering about each other. Are you sure she wasn't just parroting everything you wanted, no matter what it was, and thereby becoming the perfect match by virtue of being nothing more than a mirror?


tsatske,

It is possible she pushed me to push her into it. I hadn't thought of that.

As far as her parroting, I've learned to never be the one to first mention more extreme fetishes. Things like RL whoring, gangbangs, anal fisting, watersports and extreme body modification are locked in the vault unless a girl brings them up first, which she did. She mentioned wanting to be a pornstar first as well. Thank god it was on the phone or she would have seen my eyes pop out and a huge smile on my face, lol. If anything, I feared she thought I was parroting her.




SailingBum -> RE: I would love some serious insight on my limbo (1/20/2010 10:01:38 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MyOtherProfile2


quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

Typically I dont respond to someone who is to chickenshit to show who they are.  BUT  there is always the exception.  Lemme get this straight you had a relationship with a whore and your wondering what the hell went wrong???  You prolly put the fun in the dysfunctional  <Cuff bullshit cuff>  "relationship".

My advice is therapy, and  no im not kidding.

BadOne




I have nothing to hide but considering the things I revealed about her I don't want to take any chance of this getting back to her. There are those who seek this kind of information to hurt her and her family.

Her whorish desires are but a small part of her. Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think she's the first sub/slave to desire being used by many different men.

On a positive note she restored acknowledgment of our relationship on her Fetlife profile (albeit saying "It's Complicated")


Nope your not wrong.  What does that have to do with anything?   Ppl that are paid whores have "serious issues"  Ask any therapist

In a nut shell it "shows physical abuse at a early age.  Whatever age the abuse starts is when that person stops maturing emotionally.   That downward spiral leads to a multitude of other complications.  Which requires professional  treatment.

Course the fact that your unwilling to present yourself and find it thrilling to manage a whore.  I suspect your as dysfunctional as she is.  Just saying

BadOne



MyOtherProfile2 -> RE: I would love some serious insight on my limbo (1/20/2010 10:09:21 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

quote:

ORIGINAL: MyOtherProfile2


quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

Typically I dont respond to someone who is to chickenshit to show who they are.  BUT  there is always the exception.  Lemme get this straight you had a relationship with a whore and your wondering what the hell went wrong???  You prolly put the fun in the dysfunctional  <Cuff bullshit cuff>  "relationship".

My advice is therapy, and  no im not kidding.

BadOne




I have nothing to hide but considering the things I revealed about her I don't want to take any chance of this getting back to her. There are those who seek this kind of information to hurt her and her family.

Her whorish desires are but a small part of her. Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think she's the first sub/slave to desire being used by many different men.

On a positive note she restored acknowledgment of our relationship on her Fetlife profile (albeit saying "It's Complicated")


Nope your not wrong.  What does that have to do with anything?   Ppl that are paid whores have "serious issues"  Ask any therapist

In a nut shell it "shows physical abuse at a early age.  Whatever age the abuse starts is when that person stops maturing emotionally.   That downward spiral leads to a multitude of other complications.  Which requires professional  treatment.

Course the fact that your unwilling to present yourself and find it thrilling to manage a whore.  I suspect your as dysfunctional as she is.  Just saying

BadOne



I just edited my original response to your original response which will shed some light on her desire to whore and why it no longer exists. I've explained I have nothing to hide but I'm not going to expose someone's deepest, darkest, ILLEGAL fetish. There are those from her past who are looking to hurt her with such knowledge.



CalifChick -> RE: I would love some serious insight on my limbo (1/20/2010 10:20:17 PM)

quote:



She finally texted good morning at 2PM to which I replied "it isn't morning" and I didn't talk to her for the rest of the day.



Before you leap to conclusions, you ARE aware that sometimes texts can show up hours or days after they were sent, right????  Perhaps the next time something of this sort happens with anyone, you should take a moment to ask about what is going on instead of reacting to what you perceive the situation to be.  In the meantime, perhaps some research on basic punishment rules would be in order.  Have you ever seen Supernanny on tv?  If you're going to do a timeout, she is a pro at it.  The most basic rules of timeout are:  tell the person what they did wrong and give them one warning; at the next infraction repeat what they did wrong and inform them of their punishment (the timeout and the length of the timeout), and then when it's over review the rule and kiss and makeup.  You didn't do one single thing on that list.  You mouthed off and walked away.  And by doing so, you didn't see her walking away in the other direction.

quote:



While we're apart the only way I can punish her is with a temporary emotional disconnect.


What a trainwreck.  I know of no one... NOT ONE SINGLE PERSON... that this is effective with.  You cannot force someone to submit to you, and punishing them by ignoring them when things are already tenuous doesn't seem particularly smart.  She's finally ready to talk to you and you shut her down? Really???? Wow, just wow.

Let's review:  She says she isn't sure, you then let her know that what she is not sure about is why you were attracted to her (that's what she most likely HEARD), so you have forced her to re-evaluate your relationship and she feels you have let her down, then when she reaches out you smack her hand and ignore her.  Quelle surprise that she was not eagerly awaiting your return.

Maybe some work on basic communication and interpersonal relationships would be in order.

Cali



SailingBum -> RE: I would love some serious insight on my limbo (1/20/2010 10:20:56 PM)

You are soooo missing the point!  She is a train wreck.

BadOne



MyOtherProfile2 -> RE: I would love some serious insight on my limbo (1/20/2010 10:41:08 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

quote:



She finally texted good morning at 2PM to which I replied "it isn't morning" and I didn't talk to her for the rest of the day.



Before you leap to conclusions, you ARE aware that sometimes texts can show up hours or days after they were sent, right????  Perhaps the next time something of this sort happens with anyone, you should take a moment to ask about what is going on instead of reacting to what you perceive the situation to be.  In the meantime, perhaps some research on basic punishment rules would be in order.  Have you ever seen Supernanny on tv?  If you're going to do a timeout, she is a pro at it.  The most basic rules of timeout are:  tell the person what they did wrong and give them one warning; at the next infraction repeat what they did wrong and inform them of their punishment (the timeout and the length of the timeout), and then when it's over review the rule and kiss and makeup.  You didn't do one single thing on that list.  You mouthed off and walked away.  And by doing so, you didn't see her walking away in the other direction.

quote:



While we're apart the only way I can punish her is with a temporary emotional disconnect.


What a trainwreck.  I know of no one... NOT ONE SINGLE PERSON... that this is effective with.  You cannot force someone to submit to you, and punishing them by ignoring them when things are already tenuous doesn't seem particularly smart.  She's finally ready to talk to you and you shut her down? Really???? Wow, just wow.

Let's review:  She says she isn't sure, you then let her know that what she is not sure about is why you were attracted to her (that's what she most likely HEARD), so you have forced her to re-evaluate your relationship and she feels you have let her down, then when she reaches out you smack her hand and ignore her.  Quelle surprise that she was not eagerly awaiting your return.

Maybe some work on basic communication and interpersonal relationships would be in order.

Cali



You are correct in that I did not properly administer punishment. However, I only resorted to punishment after I exercised all other options. I tried understanding her refusals, getting her to understand my position, logical reasoning, positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement, forgiving with a promise to not do it again, ignoring the blatant disobeying and pretending everything was fine, etc, etc. Punishment was indeed the last resort.

Despite expressing desire for a 24/7 dynamic, and expressing a feeling of purposelessness when we're apart, she would ignore most of my requests yet be completely all mine when we were together.

I also agree that she probably understood what I said to mean that the escprting was a big reason I was attracted to her and that probably hit her fairly hard. I didn't realize this until just recently. That's why I said I regrettably said that. However, her text was not a reach for me, it was a blatant protest. We had just talked two days earlier about the good morning text requirement and she promised she wouldn't forget again. I took her "late text" protest to be more bratty than serious and I wanted to show her that when I ask her to do something I mean it. I had previously always looked the other way when she ignored my requests and I felt she was beginning to take advantage of that.




CalifChick -> RE: I would love some serious insight on my limbo (1/20/2010 11:07:00 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MyOtherProfile2

She is a manic depressive when she feels to be without purpose (someone to serve).



quote:


Despite expressing desire for a 24/7 dynamic, and expressing a feeling of purposelessness when we're apart, she would ignore most of my requests yet be completely all mine when we were together.



I kind of blew off the first statement because people who are Bipolar (formerly known as manic depressive) are Bipolar all of the time, not just when they don't have someone.  The spectrum of bipolar disorders runs from very manic (hyper) with little to no depression, to very subdued and depressed with little to no mania, and every combination in between. 

However, without resorting to armchair psychology, your second statement about her behavior makes me wonder if something is not really going on there.

I cannot imagine ignoring an order or even a request... and forgetting to text first thing in the morning?  How can a girl forget THAT when he is the first thing on her mind when she wakes up?  Yeah, there's more going on here.

If she really is bipolar, she needs to be on meds.  If she is on meds, they may not be at an effective dose and/or combination.

Cali



LadyPact -> RE: I would love some serious insight on my limbo (1/20/2010 11:17:54 PM)

I read the whole original.  I admit to only skimming some of the answers.  I'll also admit that I am a bit tired, so I may be way off the mark on this one.

It occurs to Me, from reading the original, that when we find ourselves paired with someone that we feel we have an amazing compatibility factor with, there are times that we run with it.  We love the freedom to express our deepest selves, our darkest fantasies, and when that happens with such a fantastic click with someone who shares the same things, we almost go a bit wild.  Having that connection to not only talk with someone, but who feels as we do in our extremes, allows us to feel that the sky is the limit in our kinky desires.  No guilt, no shame, no fear of recrimination.  I think this is especially true if we have never experienced this before with a partner.  We ride the wave of fantasy and new relationship energy for all that it's worth.

Here's the trick.  While that new person in our lives is accepting of our wildest dreams and is even supportive in allowing them to be followed through together, fantasizing and doing are two different things.  One of the reasons that people have fantasies is because they don't have to deal with the reality of actually doing whatever it is that they fantasized about.  The fantasy might be freeing, but we may not have really resolved the issues within ourselves in carrying them out.  Even if it's a kink someone has prior experience in, they may not have relieved themselves of the things going on in their head about them.  There may also be a bit of doubt in there, even though the person we're dealing with has actively assisted in creating the steps for the fantasy to become a reality.  On top of this, there are still the questions about what happens when it's *not* a fantasy, but a reality and the acts can't be changed.  You can't put the toothpaste back in the tube, can you?

I understand that you were being supportive in helping her to realize this fantasy which included you as her partner.  You went full steam ahead because you believed what she told you about it.  I'm not faulting you for that, but I wonder if perhaps you weren't a bit overly gung-ho about the whole bit.  I'm sure I'll get blasted for this, but My opinion is that certain kinks are more extreme, more taboo, or less socially acceptable than others.  You're dealing with a female who may have been told all here life that 'good girls don't.....'.  (Not that a sadist like Me would know anything about that.  [:)])

My serious advice to you runs in a few phases.  For one thing, if this is really the issue, withdrawing communication is probably a poor selection of punishments just now.  Yes, it should fit the situation, but I most likely would have went with something relating to the importance of being prompt in following your requirements. 

Next, I'd suggest some communication on the subject of the extreme kink at hand.  Not the 'oh it's so hot of an idea and it's turning us on' type, but the reality based type.  If it's possible that she has reservations about these things, explore those areas.  Probe the stuff that could be potential negatives about it and explore feelings about it.  Along with the part that is such a turn on, probe her thoughts about what she feels might be the worst case scenario.  There might be some things there that are a little deeper than what you find if you just scratch the surface for the immediate reaction.

Until you know what is really going on, table the project.  You're in charge, right?  If something isn't quite right about this, might be damaging (emotionally, mentally, etc) to your submissive, or perhaps in her mind might damage the new dynamic, it's in your authority and your responsibility to ensure no harm is done.  Then and only then should you approve of going forward in small baby steps.  Test the waters in small doses.  Make sure both of you can swim before jumping in to the deep end of the pool.  You may both want to engage in something a bit less extreme, rather than full tilt, and revisit your feelings on the matter at that point.

I do want to wish you the best of luck.  May you never have to use this 'alternative' profile again.



Hawkwindblues -> RE: I would love some serious insight on my limbo (1/20/2010 11:22:47 PM)

The other profile crap is always that, because regulars will know who you are, because they know your style.

My instinct reaction was the following:

She has some very troubling experiences in her past/umhood.
The intense connection with you mixed with the SM and her revealing her darker sides to you brought some kind of grand canyon on in herself, maybe memories came back, maybe she travelled back in time.

I have seen it some times before and it happened to me some 20 years ago.

The problem is the mix of love and SM. One of it she can handle, but not both.

Breaking contact is her way of finding herself again and reerect the saving walls.

A better way is looking into was is happening and seeking prof. help.

If not was i described is the case, than i would assume some other fear is behind the whole thing or an other men.

Do not let yourself been played, tell her that you want and need to know what happened with her and that if she want the contact to continue, she has to tell you. At least she has to tell you, the process, if not the emotional issues that lay behind.

HWK



NihilusZero -> RE: I would love some serious insight on my limbo (1/21/2010 12:14:55 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hawkwindblues

Do not let yourself been played, tell her that you want and need to know what happened with her and that if she want the contact to continue, she has to tell you. At least she has to tell you, the process, if not the emotional issues that lay behind.

This is a good tidbit to go forth from.

Trying to dissect the entire situation to its factual cores is going to be far too taxing. You have to step back and get to a place where you are treating the relationship more objectively again. Consider as many hypothetical scenarios that seem at least somewhat probable and consider what course of action you want to take in each of them. Mull them over. Determine your own direction without the presumption that she must be there (as defeating as it is).

From there, you have just the open disclosure of where you are and what you're willing to make yourself vulnerable for...and you tell her those things. Have a bar set; a minimum that you want from the relationship past which you can't contentedly stay.

Either there is an inner issue of hers that she's aware of and is afraid to discuss or there is an inner issue that she is unaware of. And if she can't muster the ability to make that inner status known to you, then there really is no direction forward to go,



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