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Suspicious? - 1/21/2010 7:33:44 AM

Evilcaduceus

Posts: 24
Joined: 9/13/2008
Status: offline

Hello,

I am a relatively new sub new to the BDSM scene. I recently got contacted a few months ago by a dom who wanted to meet me and eventually wanted to collar me. Being young, it sounded like a dream, she was everything I wanted in a dom and someone who looked past my disability.

However, things started taking an odd turn. She had brought into the picture her "husband." I say that because her profile states she is single with no mention of the guy. After a while she brought in kids into the picture and states that it would be a poly. She also states that she is "very well off" and can support me medically for life.

When I ask her more about herself and her husband such as pics, I only get her "pics" as she states that he is too important in the vanilla world and does not want to be found out. I find it odd that if I am going to meet somebody, that I have nothing to go on, not even a last name.

Is this normal in a BDSM relationship, or am I being overly critical?

Post #: 1

RE: Suspicious? - 1/21/2010 7:40:15 AM

MistressEllen444

Posts: 109
Joined: 7/21/2007
Status: offline

When you say meet - do you live close? Will you travel? Who will pay if you have to travel?
You may want to post this in Ask a Mistress section, but it seems you should be wary.
Anyone speaking of a collar even before a meeting should be suspect.
Anyone can tell you what you want to hear in the cyberworld. It is not difficult to "read" a newbie as they tend to tell you everything they want and think up front.
There are many wise people here, listen to what they say and try to avoid the temptation to realize your sub/slave dreams too quickly.

(in reply to Evilcaduceus)

Post #: 2

RE: Suspicious? - 1/21/2010 7:42:23 AM

MasterAramis

Posts: 279
Joined: 7/29/2008
From: Connecticut
Status: offline

Okay, first you are female with disabilities, second I read your profile and it would seem that you have some sense about you, so here it goes.

First, always rely on your gut. If your gut tells you something is not right, then it probably isn't
Second, people in this lifestyle, I am sad to report, are not always truthful or forthcoming. Question everything until trust can be established
Third, if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is, but let the facts speak for themselves and right now you haven't been provided any.

Let me ask you, is any of this done over the phone or is this only through email? If it's only email, then phone is next and I wouldn't meet until that happens. A phone conversation can be a good way to weed out the wheat from the chaff.

Last but not least, this lifestyle is hard enough for people but when you bring a disability to the table it adds to the complexity, what I often see is that people will try to exploit that and play to it. As I said you seem quite grounded, don't let that happen to you.

I wish you the best of luck,

Aramis

< Message edited by MasterAramis -- 1/21/2010 7:43:57 AM >

_____________________________

"He who would be a man must be a master. He who surrenders his mastery surrenders his manhood." - Players of Gor

(in reply to Evilcaduceus)

Post #: 3

RE: Suspicious? - 1/21/2010 7:49:22 AM

Evilcaduceus

Posts: 24
Joined: 9/13/2008
Status: offline

We live pretty close to each other, about 30mins away. When we'd meet, she offered to pay for everything which made me feel uneasy. I don't like when others pay, even in vanilla life. I have spoken only to him over the phone and its not really vanilla, its more of the "phone sex" crap. After I told him that I really was not in the mood as my classes were depressing me, she went into the hospital with some respiratory illness and I have only heard from him.

Can I cross post this to ask a mistress as I didnt know where to put it...

(in reply to MasterAramis)

Post #: 4

RE: Suspicious? - 1/21/2010 7:50:55 AM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

To be fair... The guy could be seriously important. For all we know, the head of National Security is on here. I dunno, I can't peer through my moniter and find out.

But... if the guy is so important and so easy to find out, couldn't he be found out just as easily by pictures of his wife? While this is an extreme example, I think most people (in the US anyay) know who Michelle Obama is married to.

That you got pics of her and not him is a bit of a red flag for me.
That her profile has no mention of her husband or her kids in her profile is a red flag.
That you didn't know it would be poly going in is a red flag for me. And seriously, if they want to keep a low-profile, poly is not one of the best ways to go about it. The more people that are aware of a secret, the better chance of a slip-up.

As Aramis said, this might be someone looking to ride you for whatever you are worth to them. Which is probably much less than what you actually are worth.

If you are still interested, I would suggest making them come to you. Because they are so reluctant to give you anything to work with, I wouldn't suggest traveling to them. If they are willing to come to you, that is at least one positive sign.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to Evilcaduceus)

Post #: 5

RE: Suspicious? - 1/21/2010 7:55:18 AM

Evilcaduceus

Posts: 24
Joined: 9/13/2008
Status: offline

Thank you for all the wonderful advice. The only thing is that they are willing to come to me. I also know that a relationship should not be based on lies. Thank you all for your help. I guess I have some reevaluating to do...

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 6

RE: Suspicious? - 1/21/2010 8:04:24 AM

OttersSwim

Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline

A couple of key questions...

1). What is the domme's expectation of what -your- relationship to the husband would be?
2). How does the answer she provides sit with you?

A couple of considerations...

1). The lack of honest disclosure in the profile raises red flags in my mind. How about yours? Not saying that the person should be written off, but certainly more questions need to be asked and a level of comfort established before you go any further.

2). Being a person with a medical condition, someone who would say that they could take care of your medical care and expenses has got to be very powerful and attractive to you...please don't loose your common sense and be very careful in your evaluation of anyone to whom you would give such power over you.

3). I am sure you already know this, but if she asks you for money, don't send any. If she were a scammer, it would be tragic and cruel, but such people exist.

I wish you luck in your search.

_____________________________

I am on a journey of authenticity and self.

(in reply to Evilcaduceus)

Post #: 7

RE: Suspicious? - 1/21/2010 8:04:47 AM

MasterAramis

Posts: 279
Joined: 7/29/2008
From: Connecticut
Status: offline

quote:

I have spoken only to him over the phone and its not really vanilla, its more of the "phone sex" crap.

Listen, I know some people will flame me for this, but if this is the case, walk away now. When I have spoken to a submissive or slave on our initial conversation, sex never was part of the equation. This is something that should be discussed much further down the road. The only thing that might be discussed in your case is your disability as it relates to sex, as I am sure sex would be an important part of their dynamic so they might wish to explore that more, but that is a far cry from phone sex.

Again I wish you well.

Aramis

_____________________________

"He who would be a man must be a master. He who surrenders his mastery surrenders his manhood." - Players of Gor

(in reply to Evilcaduceus)

Post #: 8

RE: Suspicious? - 1/21/2010 8:08:09 AM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterAramis

quote:

I have spoken only to him over the phone and its not really vanilla, its more of the "phone sex" crap.

Listen, I know some people will flame me for this, but if this is the case, walk away now.

I won't flame you. I think you're 100% correct. Red flag city.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to MasterAramis)

Post #: 9

RE: Suspicious? - 1/21/2010 8:19:05 AM

Andalusite

Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline

I agree, the bait and switch in the profile is a huge red flag - do you want someone who is that dishonest about their intentions? The phone sex before meeting isn't something I'd do, but a lot of people are into that. However, I didn't give out my last name to people before meeting, heck usually it takes several dates to get to that point. So, that particular point strikes me as a bit unreasonable on your part. If they hadn't been lying to you on the profile, since they live close, I'd say meet them before making any commitments or getting all caught up in things.

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 10

RE: Suspicious? - 1/21/2010 8:30:24 AM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Evilcaduceus

Thank you for all the wonderful advice. The only thing is that they are willing to come to me. I also know that a relationship should not be based on lies. Thank you all for your help. I guess I have some reevaluating to do...

This is the part that stands out the most for me. This and the fact that you called the phone sex crap. Focus on these things for a moment. If you feel that you were lied to, for whatever reason even if there was some valid point to the lies, inside you feel they/she lied. That will worm into any time of insecurity or fester inside of you for very real and realistic reasons and cannot be ignored. There will always be a little voice in the back of your mind saying... they lied once... are they lying now... can I trust this, type of stuff.

The phone sex and not talking vanilla sounds bothersom to you. Why? I have my own reasons, but what are your own? Pay attention to that.

I do have a question. Since you started with the wife you didn't know was a wife with childen... are you basing a relationship with the husband on what the wife has meant to you? What I mean is, is he getting in faster and is more acceptable without earing your respect or whatever, because you have an established relationship and feelings for the wife? If he has not earned anything and rushes right into use of you, then I would be very leary of that!

I would say that if they want a poly situation and something that is longer term and not just an open marriage type thing, they should know that the foundation for all people in the relationship has to be formed, respected and is important. They should be taking this seriously and already have shown a lot of error from what I can see. Can whatever you have with them stand firm on the foundation that they have layed here?

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!

(in reply to Evilcaduceus)

Post #: 11

RE: Suspicious? - 1/21/2010 8:38:32 AM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Evilcaduceus

Thank you for all the wonderful advice. The only thing is that they are willing to come to me. I also know that a relationship should not be based on lies. Thank you all for your help. I guess I have some reevaluating to do...

EXACTLY. As others have said, trust your instinct, and your common sense. I know what MY medical costs are like, I would give anyone who offered to pick up that tab the hairy eyeball. Maybe at some point, after a commitment was made, but before even getting to know you, to make statements like that?

LOTS of folks conveniently forget their SO in their profiles, and even in the first several conversations. To me, that is beginning with a lie, and while I might be pals with that person, I will never really trust them.

Good luck!

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to Evilcaduceus)

Post #: 12

RE: Suspicious? - 1/21/2010 1:53:22 PM

QueenRah

Posts: 380
Joined: 6/3/2005
Status: offline

I've said this before, to another sub querent, and I'll repeat it (in various forms) 'til I'm blue: When someone is kind enough to erect red flags all over the place, for your viewing pleasure, it is wise to heed the warnings.

Best luck EC!

_____________________________

Life's too short to drink cheap booze!

(in reply to Evilcaduceus)

Post #: 13

RE: Suspicious? - 1/21/2010 2:00:14 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

LOL... I like the way you said that! Kind enough to erect red flags all over the place! Nice!

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!

(in reply to QueenRah)

Post #: 14

RE: Suspicious? - 1/21/2010 2:28:51 PM

Evilcaduceus

Posts: 24
Joined: 9/13/2008
Status: offline

Wow, thanks for all the great advice, let me try to answer everything.

@otterswim-Her expectation is that I submit fully as he is the "bread winner" and she feels he deserves it. The answer makes sense as being grateful is important, but it just was like a shock that she had a husband...

The red flags were really big, which is why I came here to post. I think it is wrong, but I really don't want to write her off, but I don't think I can get her without him. I agree with the monetary advice, especially if they are from Nigeria lol

@masteraramis-I agree and that is something I don't appreciate. If I cannot be vanilla with someone and build a foundation, how can I submit?

@andalusite-I do agree on the last name bit as I added that to just further my point of secretive-ness. Of course I do not want someone dishonest :)

@lockit-He is getting in faster and faster. It is almost like once she made sure I had feelings, she just went "Oh by the way..." I know she has talked about like going shopping with me, and basically lavishing money on me. The thing that scares me is that this sounds an awful lot like grooming of a potential victim???

Phew, got to everyone. I was really hoping she was legit, but it does seem they have vanished off the face of the earth...I await more replies and may keep you guys posted :)

(in reply to Lockit)

Post #: 15

RE: Suspicious? - 1/21/2010 2:30:04 PM

QueenRah

Posts: 380
Joined: 6/3/2005
Status: offline

Do I amuse you? Glad I could help.

I'm an Aries. We learn things the hard way, so others don't have to.

Left off an "s." Horror. I mean "Horrors."

< Message edited by QueenRah -- 1/21/2010 2:32:51 PM >

_____________________________

Life's too short to drink cheap booze!

(in reply to Lockit)

Post #: 16

RE: Suspicious? - 1/21/2010 2:33:08 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Evilcaduceus
I was really hoping she was legit, but it does seem they have vanished off the face of the earth...I await more replies and may keep you guys posted :)

Have you spoken with her on the phone? Or have you only spoken with her via email and chat, and spoken with him on the phone?

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to Evilcaduceus)

Post #: 17

RE: Suspicious? - 1/21/2010 2:36:52 PM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZAYrMsxMKp8

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 18

RE: Suspicious? - 1/21/2010 2:45:26 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

quote:

ORIGINAL: Evilcaduceus
I was really hoping she was legit, but it does seem they have vanished off the face of the earth...I await more replies and may keep you guys posted :)

Have you spoken with her on the phone? Or have you only spoken with her via email and chat, and spoken with him on the phone?

I was wondering this as well.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 19

RE: Suspicious? - 1/21/2010 2:59:57 PM

Evilcaduceus

Posts: 24
Joined: 9/13/2008
Status: offline

I have spoken to him only on the phone and her online only. I had asked for the hospital phone number as it isn't permanent, but he refused to give it. I have talked to the "kids" as they snuck online under the woman's IM address...

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 20

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