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RE: Is it me? - 1/23/2010 1:56:36 AM

soundsofsilence

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Joined: 11/22/2008
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Ialdabaoth...I am not saying change is a bad thing, but the fact nothing at all can be counted on to be permanent is in my eyes, tragic. I don't mind being tossed around in the thrashing changing tides, it would just be nice to have an anchor.

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Post #: 41

RE: Is it me? - 1/23/2010 5:48:21 AM

LaTigresse

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Not if you learn to enjoy the moment of the tide and realize that you are the only anchor you can count on.

Other than that, I must echo what GypsyMambo said. Very wise words.

I have serious doubts that you are submissive or geared towards a healthy D/s or M/s relationship at all. Your story sounds like a million other unhealthy relationships that may or may not have anything to do with BDSM, M/s, or D/s. You've had 10 years of brainwashing that you need to undo. It will not be quick or easy. But it will be well worth it. If you were someone I cared about, I would advise counseling and avoiding all romantic relationships until you have dealt with the baggage of the last 10 years and probably the stuff prior that allowed you to be suckered into it. I think you will find that dominance and submission, in the sense we think of it here, had very little to do with the relationship you had.

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Post #: 42

RE: Is it me? - 1/23/2010 9:06:10 AM

KnightofMists

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quote:

........but that is not who he use to be, that is not who I fell in love with, and now I feel I love a man who no longer exists, yet when I walk away, I can't stay away. I hope that helps clear it up for you.

actually... he always was that person.... you just failed to see the truth of it. I don't believe you fell in love with the man... but in love with what he did for you. He no longer does those things to the degree that you loved and as such... you feel empty and less loved as result.

Some love a person for who they are.... some love for what they do for a person. To me your issues are that simple.

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Post #: 43

RE: Is it me? - 1/23/2010 9:51:21 AM

soundsofsilence

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LaTigresse...wow, I actually had to go reread my post to see where all that came from, I don't know what I said to lead you to believe I was brainwashed or suckered, I may not be happy with my place in his life right now but he was always forthright about who and what he was.

I have no plans on having another romantic relationship anytime soon D/s or otherwise, and "in the sense of we think of it here" is rather condescending and presumtuous, it is surprising you have such a low opinion of me based on such little information, but I opened the door to that by posting at all I suppose.

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RE: Is it me? - 1/23/2010 10:53:29 AM

sexyred1

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quote:

ORIGINAL: soundsofsilence

LaTigresse...wow, I actually had to go reread my post to see where all that came from, I don't know what I said to lead you to believe I was brainwashed or suckered, I may not be happy with my place in his life right now but he was always forthright about who and what he was.

I have no plans on having another romantic relationship anytime soon D/s or otherwise, and "in the sense of we think of it here" is rather condescending and presumtuous, it is surprising you have such a low opinion of me based on such little information, but I opened the door to that by posting at all I suppose.

No, don't worry about all these opinions about you. Not everyone here has experienced the same things as you. I did, so I "get" what you are dealing with. It is really easy for many posters to dismiss your emotional posting with "go get therapy and don't get into another relationship for ages".

I think you are very clear about what happened and you do understand. I am less worried about you since we chatted and my offer still stands, write me whenever you want because this is a work in progress.

Hugs.

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Post #: 45

RE: Is it me? - 1/23/2010 11:25:29 AM

winterlight

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Is your life better with him or without him?

If you are not sure live alone for a year. If you are co-dependant get counseling...

Keep busy, do something new..

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Post #: 46

RE: Is it me? - 1/23/2010 11:38:11 AM

Rhodes85

Posts: 445
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From: Nova Scotia, Canada
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I agree with dreaming and LadyPact.

quote:

he says I cant leave, he owns me, I can keep trying but I will always return, I am beginning to believe him.

It sounds like hes trying to manipulate you and lower your self esteem so you will believe him and not leave. Honestly when he starts saying things like that and making you feel that way its time to seriously think about leaving. He's using you. I know its not easy to leave any relationship but it sounds like thats the best option for you here. You could find someone who won't treat you badly.

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RE: Is it me? - 1/23/2010 12:17:35 PM

DesFIP

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He lied to you in the beginning until he had you torn down enough that he could do what he wanted. You walked. Now block his telephone number using caller ID. Block his email and remove his contacts from your phone etc.

Tell mutual friends that you don't want to hear anything about him. If they tell you what he's saying anyway, get up and walk away. Make it clear that anyone who is your friend will support you in getting out of this very unhealthy relationship.

Get therapy for emotional abuse.

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Post #: 48

RE: Is it me? - 1/23/2010 1:35:14 PM

CaringandReal

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quote:

ORIGINAL: soundsofsilence

Master Aramis...the bottom line for sure is that I am unhappy, he however is extremely happy. he has no problem with "us" which makes it all the more frustrating, and because he has no problem with us he will not even discuss what I perceive as problems, "the issues" are not earth shattering, they are problems to do with poly, his other relationships, feeling ignored, taken advantage of, those types of things, I am not trying to trash him here, he is who he is, he was wonderful enough for me to fall madly in love with, and when he loved me I was on cloud nine, my problems are about our situation now, not about him being a horrible person, I feel forgotten, he has no time for me, no interest in me, he is very poly so he doesn't "need me", he can make plans to go away with another slut for a weekend or week and not even tell me, and yes I know he has that right, but that is not who he use to be, that is not who I fell in love with, and now I feel I love a man who no longer exists, yet when I walk away, I can't stay away. I hope that helps clear it up for you.

He's not going to change or come around. I think you know that. You are addicted to him and to this relationship, no matter how unhappy you are at times. I also think you know that. I can't talk about co-dependency and all the supposed psychological diseases of submission: this may sound sacriligious, but I could not live my life and be happy if I gave creedence to any of that. What we do is special and breaks the rules of normal psychological heath. At core, sadomasochism and extreme power exchange are not particularly healthy for anyone, unless these things meet needs in you that are very strong and you cannot get met any other way.

There is one out that I know of in this situation, something that works, but if I were you, I'd make it a very last resort. You've tried to leave him and couldn't. I understand that. A submissive in this situation can find the strength to leave, however, if they can find another dominant. Transfer your feelings to another authority figure, if you can find one strong enough who will potentially treat you better (there are no guarantees in becoming someone's slave, as I think you've seen well), and you will find yourself able to leave the first dominant. I don't particularly like this solution. I think people should see out their commitments, however hard, because something good comes out of that. I do know it will work if all else fails and you are too miserable. I'm sorry you couldn't get used to the poly aspect or to his emotional sadism. Sounds like these two are the biggest issues for you.

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Post #: 49

RE: Is it me? - 1/23/2010 3:40:45 PM

Rhodes85

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quote:

He lied to you in the beginning until he had you torn down enough that he could do what he wanted. You walked. Now block his telephone number using caller ID. Block his email and remove his contacts from your phone etc.

Tell mutual friends that you don't want to hear anything about him. If they tell you what he's saying anyway, get up and walk away. Make it clear that anyone who is your friend will support you in getting out of this very unhealthy relationship.

Get therapy for emotional abuse.

What DesFIP said ^^^

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This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. Had this been an actual emergency you would all be dead by now. Have a nice day and remember: Friends don't let friends vote Republican.

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RE: Is it me? - 1/23/2010 4:03:22 PM

soundsofsilence

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sexyred...ty, and you will be hearing from me again, thats a threat, I really appreciate you and your empathy, I am starting to regret posting grins

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RE: Is it me? - 1/23/2010 4:05:32 PM

soundsofsilence

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winterlight...yes keeping busy is the key, I am trying

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RE: Is it me? - 1/23/2010 4:06:36 PM

soundsofsilence

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Rhodes...I have already left....and yes it is the best solution, staying strong and not returning is the hard part

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RE: Is it me? - 1/23/2010 4:11:06 PM

soundsofsilence

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Des...he lied to me in the beginning? I am sorry I gave you that impression, he didn't lie, nor did he tear me down, the beginning was bliss, now is the problem....which is why I left. the blocking him won't be necessary, he wont call, and he wont be sayiong anything about me/us either, that is just his way, but I do agree that is good advice if he wasnt who he is.

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RE: Is it me? - 1/23/2010 4:15:01 PM

soundsofsilence

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CaringandReal....no he wont change, yes I am addicted....yoru last resort solution is not an option for me however, I would never move from one relationship to another without a proper healing regrouping time and I would never use anyone like that, if I am not strong enough to leave I deserve the torment of staying, no one else should pay for that.

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Post #: 55

RE: Is it me? - 1/23/2010 5:58:48 PM

dreamerdreaming

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I refer you back to my original post, here. You've got low self-esteem. But you got out. Good for you! Now take other steps to lift it up. Until you feel like you deserve better, you'll continue to be a jerk magnet. Do whatever you need to do, to address your low self-esteem and raise it up.

He's just not that into you. Stop defending him. Just stop thinking about him. Start thinking about yourself, and how great you are!

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RE: Is it me? - 1/23/2010 6:46:09 PM

Elisabella

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quote:

the blocking him won't be necessary, he wont call,

If you know this...you know your answer. He's not into you enough to 'chase' after you or offer any sort of compromise.

I'm happy that you've left this man, I don't think he's a horrible person but I do think that you two aren't compatible, and that your submissive nature makes it more likely that incompatibility will eat away at you rather than expecting compromise.

I wish you the best in getting over this relationship and finding a new one that meets your needs.

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RE: Is it me? - 1/23/2010 7:21:28 PM

soundsofsilence

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dreamerdreaming....he's just not that into you.....correct

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RE: Is it me? - 1/23/2010 7:28:12 PM

LafayetteLady

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quote:

ORIGINAL: soundsofsilence

antipode....that may be party true (the happiness part, the fact I am addicted is 100% true) but if other people don't affect our happiness how do you explain that feeling you get when you catch yourself smiling out of the blue for no reason only to realise they have crossed your mind once again, how do you explain that feeling you get when you are waiting to meet them somewhere and you see them turn the corner, how do you explain that feeling you get when they look at you like that??? I cannot buy that we are soley responsible for our own happiness, it is in us yes, but it is triggered by external forces often, otherwise we wouldn't have a favorite movie, or a favorite meal. Things we like make us happy, people we like/love make us happy, it is not their job, it is not their responsibility, and they don't owe us that, but it happens, they affect us. Surrounding myself with the things and people that make me happy is my responsibility, and yes I am failing miserable at it, because at this moment in time, and for a long while he hasn't, but the memory of him does, of us does, and the hope I can get that back is what has kept me accepting the misery, I would sacrifice anything indefinitely if I had a guarantee that somewhere somehow I would get that back, and when I do leave I panic, and think that now there is absolutely no chance for that, but when I am there, in my mind realistically I know there is no turning back the clock, that he is never going to look at me like that again, that I serve a purpose now, I make his life easier, he can depend on me, he doesnt WANT me to leave, but not because it would break his heart or he would miss me, but because it would inconvenience him. I AM responsible for my own happiness, on that we agree, and that is why I left...again.

Honestly, while your self esteem took a hit, I don't think you have such a low view of yourself. People who love with their whole being like that can have a rough time walking away, and you know that and have all the answers right up there in your post. The memory of that feeling, that utter elation being with that person is powerful. But you clearly can see that the person that made you feel that way, for whatever reason, isn't doing it for you anymore.

Best thing you can do is stay as busy as possible. Spend time with friends, work overtime if that's an option, hell volunteer at a hospital or nursing home if need be. The point is don't give yourself time to start to wonder if you go back can you somehow get that "feeling" back. Avoid anything and everything that reminds you of him, whether it be places, foods, movies, songs, everything.

You ARE responsible for your own happiness, you already know that. Fill your time with everything you ever thought about doing but weren't able to because you had to take care of his "stuff." Take a trip with some friends. I know how hard it is, but it WILL get better with time.

I wish you the best.

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RE: Is it me? - 1/23/2010 7:28:20 PM

soundsofsilence

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Elisabella...no he is not a horrible person, and he is not soley to blame for the destruction of this relationship, I most certainly had my hand in there, thank you for the kind wishes, I have been feeling a tad beat up in these recent posts and your compassion was very welcome. ty for that.

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