How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.s. a person that is a control freak?

How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.s. a person that is a control freak? (Full Version)

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winterlight -> How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.s. a person that is a control freak? (1/23/2010 11:31:47 AM)
The kind of person that controls everything you do, you cannot see your family or friends... What behavior separates the two? How do you know which is which?

KatyLied -> RE: How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.s. a person that is a control freak? (1/23/2010 11:46:02 AM)
A person who is good for you is positive and uplifting and encourages personal growth and self-awareness. If someone told me I could not be with family and friends I would tell him I could not be with him. There is a difference between a dominant and a douchebag, sometimes it takes a while to discover it.

leadership527 -> RE: How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.s. a person that is a control freak? (1/23/2010 11:53:48 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: winterlight The kind of person that controls everything you do, you cannot see your family or friends... I'm unclear how these things all string together. You are equating "good" with minimal control. You are equating span of control with a decision to cut off family & friends. I don't get how any of those dots connect.

DesFIP -> RE: How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.s. a person that is a control freak? (1/23/2010 12:28:38 PM)
If your family and friends are people who routinely treat you badly, then being cut off from them would be a positive action. However, that aside, if it is important to you that you be able to still spend time with family and friends, you talk to him about this. Just as you talk about whether you will have sex with others, and who pays for meets and everything else. If he isn't someone you can talk calmly to, then it doesn't matter. If his views on things are vastly different then yours, then you aren't compabible. Sit down over coffee and start talking.

peppermint -> RE: How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.s. a person that is a control freak? (1/23/2010 12:30:50 PM)
Being isolated from family and friends is usually considered a Red Flag. If the person you are with makes you unhappy, then what is the sense of being with that person?

lally2 -> RE: How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.s. a person that is a control freak? (1/23/2010 1:54:24 PM)
common sense - if its driving you nuts then its not healthy. id have to wonder why someone was so insecure that they had to separate you from youre friends and family.

kyraofMists -> RE: How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.s. a person that is a control freak? (1/23/2010 2:02:26 PM)
Their character.

LillyoftheVally -> RE: How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.s. a person that is a control freak? (1/23/2010 2:30:10 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: winterlight The kind of person that controls everything you do, you cannot see your family or friends... What behavior separates the two? How do you know which is which? You asked a very leading question there which makes it hard to answer. But if I am to take away what you want and simply answer how can you tell if you have a good dominant. It is about being able to be honest and open, to be yourself, to be happy more than you are sad, to be challenged and stimulated. You tell the difference when the balance changes, when you feel yourself being less confident, less content less you. It is the same as how you can tell if a friend is good for you, or a 'vanilla' partner. There isn't a definitive because my ideal probably isn't yours, just like I would be less than wonderful to other people. Basically its down to compatibility.

Exploratorynfun -> RE: How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.s. a person that is a control freak? (1/23/2010 2:43:16 PM)
If your being controlled to the point you can't be with family or freinds.... DEFINITELY A RED FLAG!!!! GET OUT NOW before it gets worse!!!!

Dominasola -> RE: How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.s. a person that is a control freak? (1/23/2010 3:02:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Exploratorynfun If your being controlled to the point you can't be with family or freinds.... DEFINITELY A RED FLAG!!!! GET OUT NOW before it gets worse!!!! I think the "why" would be a very important factor here, as DesFIP indicated. If the D-type is not allowing the s-type to see his/her family and friends because they have proven to be abusive, irresponsible, or in any other way damaging to the s-type's physical or emotional well-being, then controlling his or her interactions with these individuals can be justified. If you come from a loving family and have great friends, however, then there might be other issues going on.

pyroaquatic -> RE: How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.s. a person that is a control freak? (1/23/2010 3:42:24 PM)
some of us are gifted with a lack of common sense. :\ With experience and the wisdom of the wise domly doms and sublime subbies one can learn to separate the crap from the gold. I've found that I am Social Inept, but definitely not stupid. Do the math, if what the Dominant says does not add up with what the Dominant does... say goodbye. If the Dominant does not respect limits, boundaries, or wishes... say goodbye. If the dominant comes up with tons of convenient excuses for their behavior... say goodbye. This is knowledge possibly on this board and others, I am simply regurgitating it. I wish I had known these things sooner. Sometimes you need to toughen up, thicken the skin, and just take it. And learn from it. Always learn from it, good and bad relations.

sunshinemiss -> RE: How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.s. a person that is a control freak? (1/23/2010 3:48:39 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Exploratorynfun If your being controlled to the point you can't be with family or freinds.... DEFINITELY A RED FLAG!!!! GET OUT NOW before it gets worse!!!! Obviously you've never met my father or stalker sister. *snort

itsmeinLV -> RE: How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.s. a person that is a control freak? (1/23/2010 4:05:27 PM)
When you're with a good, caring Dom/Domme, you feel happy and positive. When you are not, you do not feel happy and negativity fills your life.

lovingpet -> RE: How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.s. a person that is a control freak? (1/23/2010 5:14:49 PM)
I would rather imagine that after my partner has been exposed to certain people in my life to just the right extent, he will definitely start drawing some lines about who is good for me and who isn't and how I am to interact with certain people. I imagine a few people will be eliminated from my life completely eventually and I pretty well accept that. I guess I should be running for the hills based on these red flag indications, but I'm not. Why? We have a good history together and anything he has required of me that was of any particular significance has been in the pursuit of bettering my situation. I know and trust that what he asks of me is for my (or our, as the case may be) own good. Some people in our lives are toxic. Most of the time it takes either years of professional help or someone from the outside looking in to finally uncover this and bring us to action. I recognize some people in my life that are toxic. I stay clear as much as possible. At the same time, I have had trouble cutting a lot of strings that I have needed to for any number of reasons. When I no longer have need of those strings I can cut loose and get far, far away from these people and their poisonous effects on my life. Some may say that a person should be able to do that on their own, but then again there are times when that just isn't possible. Sometimes a dominant's command is more about helping us do what we know we NEED and WANT to do than about control at all. Often, also, control is really about PROTECTION and a duty of CARE. I guess it can be hard to tell the difference sometimes, but if such orders are given, the first thing I would be looking at is whether I already feel the desire or pull within myself to do that very thing. If I do, then I would look at my life and see if I have lacked the courage, resources, or other elements needed to do as we both know is best. If I know that those things I need in order to let go are in place, then I have no excuse for not letting go. Not letting go would mean a careful examination of my own feelings about my partner and our relationship given the self assessment that has already occurred. Sure, I could take every thing that seemed uncomfortable or unreasonable as a red flag. In fact, I think many people do in relationships of all kinds. I'm not looking for a way out though. I don't feel the need to disobey. Power struggle is not healthy for me or my relationship. Isn't in the tough stuff that we learn to forge a deeper bond, develop trust, and entrench our own submission? I know many abusers use isolation as a tactic and even give reasonable sounding rationale for doing so. I think it is self reflection and a lack of "blind" following that allows us to separate the two. I could just let my partner pat me on my little head and tell me that this person is bad for me and to never talk to them again and do just that. If I know my OWN mind and have my OWN reasons and motivation for what I am doing, I can both discern the love and protection of my partner or the lies and malicious intent of an abuser. It also allows my partner to enjoy my obedience rather than the fear an abuser lives with of me coming to doubt his judgement and circumvent him. A good dominant has control that is not in question. An abuser never has control, just the appearance of such. The question to ask is: Am I self assured in the decision to do as he requires or does it fill me with doubt based his past poor judgement? The litmus test is your gut and his character. lovingpet

AnimusRex -> RE: How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.s. a person that is a control freak? (1/23/2010 5:56:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: winterlight The kind of person that controls everything you do, you cannot see your family or friends... What behavior separates the two? How do you know which is which? One bit of behavior that separates the two, is not letting you see your family or friends.

Mercnbeth -> RE: How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.s. a person that is a control freak? (1/23/2010 6:40:27 PM)
quote: ...How do you know which is which?... observe/verify their behavior. use whatever sense the Great Architect gave you/tools at your disposal to determine their intention. sociopaths that this slave has come across are really good at hiding their intentions at first, but sooner or later, it comes out...their intent is your ultimate destruction. quote: The kind of person that controls everything you do, you cannot see your family or friends... if the intention of keeping you from family and friends is because your family and friends are destructive to/with you, then it isn't necessarily a bad behavior. intent means a lot.

jujubeeMB -> RE: How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.s. a person that is a control freak? (1/23/2010 11:49:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Dominasola I think the "why" would be a very important factor here, as DesFIP indicated. If the D-type is not allowing the s-type to see his/her family and friends because they have proven to be abusive, irresponsible, or in any other way damaging to the s-type's physical or emotional well-being, then controlling his or her interactions with these individuals can be justified. If you come from a loving family and have great friends, however, then there might be other issues going on. I don't think it's ever ok to cut off family and friends. It's textbook abusive, and the first step in isolating someone so they can't leave, because they have no emotional support elsewhere. I know I wouldn't stay with anyone who tried to control who I was friends with and how I interacted with my family, even if my family happened to be damaging in some way. Very few families are perfect, but cutting off or limiting relationships is solely the right and responsibility of the person whose relationships they are. If a Dom has decided to take that right away from his/her sub, I think that sub needs to do some careful thinking about his/her emotional safety in the relationship.

LillyoftheVally -> RE: How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.s. a person that is a control freak? (1/24/2010 2:25:26 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: jujubeeMB I don't think it's ever ok to cut off family and friends. It's textbook abusive, and the first step in isolating someone so they can't leave, because they have no emotional support elsewhere. . Unless the family and friends are abusive and don't offer emotional support, problem is that often abusive partners use that as an excuse when it isn't the reality

AquaticSub -> RE: How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.s. a person that is a control freak? (1/24/2010 6:41:37 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: winterlight The kind of person that controls everything you do, you cannot see your family or friends... What behavior separates the two? How do you know which is which? I would never define someone who kept me from seeing my family and friends (who are amazingly supportive and wonderful) as a good dom or master. Certainly, they would be a terrible one for me as to keep me from those who love me would cause me terrible emotional pain, carve deep wounds into my pysche and utterly break me in a very negative way. That is the sort of order I simply could not obey and the sort of person I simply would not choose as my owner.

AquaticSub -> RE: How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.s. a person that is a control freak? (1/24/2010 6:45:52 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth if the intention of keeping you from family and friends is because your family and friends are destructive to/with you, then it isn't necessarily a bad behavior. intent means a lot. The problem is that in these situations, intent doesn't always mean anything. Someone with a bad grasp on reality can truly just intend to show a woman he loves her when he takes her from her home without her consent. Just because he is saying that they are a destructive influence doesn't mean they are. That is the sort of thing that I would advise a person consider with extreme care and consider if the owner is encouraging you to make other friends, if he is only allowing you spend time a handful of people that he likes even if you don't particularly like them or if he cutting you off completely. ETA - I do agree with you that if the friends and family truly are destructive, then it's not always a bad behavior. Just that it needs to be considered with care. I've seen friends who were cut off from contact with the rest of us because we were a "bad influence" and when it came down it... the guy was just insecure and didn't want her to have anyone to turn to.

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