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On becoming post-BDSM - 1/24/2010 5:16:23 PM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline 		This has been going through my mind for a while now and has been further sparked by the conversations I'm having with a few people.

I'm going through a phase where I'm admitting that I've moved on and things have changed and I don't think they're ever going to change back. At least not for me.

I think back over the years and the relationships and experiences I've had to date and it's been fun, I've met some truly wonderful people, served some fine dommes and couples, witnessed both the rise and fall of the BDSM community in Warsaw, met so many people here in the UK, also elsewhere in Europe and I'm pretty sure that given the opportunity with the right people I could play again with the best of them.

I think part of my situation is that kink, fetish and sex have never really been high priorities and have always been second place to service and discipline and I still play from time to time, having had a male submissive and gone over to the other side of the kneel and I experience the same sort of buzz as a domme with a male submissive as I did as a female submissive with a domme. But things have changed.

One thing is that floggers, whips and stuff just don't grab me like they once did. Dressing up and getting ready to play and have a scene used to fill me with excitement, tension, you'd get that buzz, but I found that more recently my main problem has been trying to stifle the urge to laugh and to apply my mind to take things seriously. I can still play and I can still serve but it just doesn't grab me in the same way as it once did.

But it's not you, it's not the people, the activities, the scene, or anything else, it's me - I've changed. And I don't think I'm ever going to change back to the way it once was. One of the highlights of last year was getting to meet Mercnbeth, seeing them in the flesh, being able to reach out and touch them, and that desire to be able to do the same with a number of people here remains just as strong as ever.

I have always felt a sense of affinity and a sort of intimacy with the BDSM community which I have never felt with the LGBT community or indeed, the transgendered community, and I know that the feeling of indebtedness and gratitude to the community as a whole could never be repaid.

It's not that I'm becoming vanilla, as I feel I'm much too aware to ever want to go back, and in my relationships there will always be some sort of dynamic, but in my changing needs and wants in a relationship I have to admit that my whole perspective towards BDSM has changed. What was once necessary has now become optional but still the same it's still about the people just as much as it ever was.

I just feel that maybe I should stop kidding myself and thinking that I'm still 'into' BDSM and just admit that now I'm more post-BDSM.

Has anyone else gone through something similar? Does anyone else have similar thoughts and feelings?

Can anyone relate?



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RE: On becoming post-BDSM - 1/24/2010 5:30:09 PM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		Not really. I never WAS *into* bdsm* as a *thing* of it's own.  Bdsm was/is a bit of a yawn without my owner, frankly.

I occasionally feel an affinity with the odd person here on a specific subject....but in years , it's been occasional.

Bdsm is just *stuff* ...the people behind it may or may not be worth your time.

agirl

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RE: On becoming post-BDSM - 1/24/2010 5:58:25 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I can say this hasn't happened to Me, but I have read other folks post here who have felt similarly.  I don't think you're alone in this particular stage by a long shot.

I don't know, Stella.  I'm sure this is a type of growth for you.  I recall some folks discussing the similar feelings you are expressing here when they bring up the subject of 'out-growing' casual play.  It may seem a bit odd, but I'm not especially sure that is a path of growth that I want to hit.  I like being worked up and excited about it all.  I want play to remain that buzz that gets Me going and lights Me up.  I honestly don't want to change that at this point in My life.  I have entirely too much fun in this particular sandbox.


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RE: On becoming post-BDSM - 1/24/2010 6:02:35 PM   
dreamerdreaming


Posts: 2839
Status: offline 		I can relate.

We all change, and grow. This is a different leg of your journey. I went through a completely vanilla phase that lasted for years. I was quite content with it. Not saying we're vanilla- just that I can understand where you're at.

Enjoy this new stage in your journey!

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RE: On becoming post-BDSM - 1/24/2010 6:06:05 PM   
DesFIP


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Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I'm not sure why you feel you can't be into this and still laugh. Why suppress that urge? Do what you want, what makes you and your partner happy and if that happens to include service top or bottoming while you laugh, then go for it.

We have months we don't play. We had a night to ourselves this past week and played for a little but preferred to just have a nice dinner and watch a movie instead of playing for most of it.

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RE: On becoming post-BDSM - 1/24/2010 6:43:43 PM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		There are times I just walk away. It's not that I'm not interested, it's not that I don't believe it's fun and a part of me, I just...feel that need.
But I always come back.
Sometimes I feel that the people who do wiitwd, are just too focused on themselves. (including me)
That is usually when I walk away for a bit.
So far, I have always come back.
I know I'll definitely miss you while you're gone. But I will expect to see you again some day.
Do what you have to do...that's the best thing you could possibly do.
We will be waiting and watching. You'll always be (as far as I'm concerned) a part of this particular community.
You've given so much...

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RE: On becoming post-BDSM - 1/24/2010 7:04:17 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		I can certainly relate. I love playing, I love the scene, I love my friends here, but I do think about taking a step back quite a bit. I know that I could never leave totally, I am not a vanilla person, and I will always be a dominant, but the "scene" as such? Breaks are no bad thing. It's important to know what your priorities are, and not to force what doesn't feel natural at the moment.

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RE: On becoming post-BDSM - 1/24/2010 7:06:37 PM   
Saint


Posts: 279
Status: offline 		Defintely do not fight the change, just accept it as part of a new phase in your personal development. My suggestion would be to perhaps set yourself a time frame goal. Walk away for about a year and let this other side of yourself develop more. Then re-evaluate where you are at and what you want and need in this life.

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RE: On becoming post-BDSM - 1/24/2010 8:49:28 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		stella, you've got a FT job that has to be draining, and then you're a playwright on top of that.  I don't know that there's enough of you to stretch to cover a BDSM lifestyle as well.

You have a moral obligation to be stella.  Do it whatever way works for you.


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RE: On becoming post-BDSM - 1/24/2010 10:55:29 PM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

Not really. I never WAS *into* bdsm* as a *thing* of it's own.  Bdsm was/is a bit of a yawn without my owner, frankly.

I occasionally feel an affinity with the odd person here on a specific subject....but in years , it's been occasional.

Bdsm is just *stuff* ...the people behind it may or may not be worth your time.

agirl



I understand.. My really being 'into BDSM' was a phase I went through in Poland when I was 'hardcore' and discovering kink and I went through a year or two in Warsaw when I would play with anyone and everyone..


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RE: On becoming post-BDSM - 1/24/2010 11:13:53 PM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

I can say this hasn't happened to Me, but I have read other folks post here who have felt similarly.  I don't think you're alone in this particular stage by a long shot.

I don't know, Stella.  I'm sure this is a type of growth for you.  I recall some folks discussing the similar feelings you are expressing here when they bring up the subject of 'out-growing' casual play.  It may seem a bit odd, but I'm not especially sure that is a path of growth that I want to hit.  I like being worked up and excited about it all.  I want play to remain that buzz that gets Me going and lights Me up.  I honestly don't want to change that at this point in My life.  I have entirely too much fun in this particular sandbox.



I would agree that this appears to be a time of growth but what concerns me is that rather than looking to walk away, I'm actually looking for a route back and I'm worried that something significant is lost.

One of the things is that ever since I returned to the UK from Poland I've found it difficult to find my place or 'niche' back here. I don't feel so much that it's because the culture or society here is different to that in Poland, because WIITWD is by its very nature cross-cultural and you can find people to talk about the same things and have the same discussions in Moscow and Athens as you can in London.

I think that excitement and 'buzz' will come back but I just feel it will be somehow different when it does.

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RE: On becoming post-BDSM - 1/25/2010 1:35:43 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		i have to laugh often about the BDSM stuff... i think a lot of it is hillarious...

like once He blindfolded me and tied me up to a chair and then after a long serious silence in which i could just hear Him fiddling with something... He put a little vibrating bullet between my toes... i just sat there laughing for ages.... everytime i thought i had myself under control it started again... and again... oh i had such a good time, and it was totally rediculous... lovely.

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RE: On becoming post-BDSM - 1/25/2010 2:32:39 AM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

I'm not sure why you feel you can't be into this and still laugh.



I can still laugh and everything being relative it's still the same, the people are still the same, it's just me that's changed.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Why suppress that urge?



This is it, the urge isn't there any more or it's weaker. There was a time when a wooden paddle made a pile of ironing attractive, now the pile of ironing on its own is attractive.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Do what you want, what makes you and your partner happy and if that happens to include service top or bottoming while you laugh, then go for it.



Celeste I do my own thing anyway and always have done, and this applies as a person, as an artist, as a submissive, everything. This is how I live, I do things because (a) I can (b) I enjoy doing such things and (c) it make me and other people happy.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

We have months we don't play. We had a night to ourselves this past week and played for a little but preferred to just have a nice dinner and watch a movie instead of playing for most of it.


This I understand and this is how it's been for me all the way through - it's the people more than the activities or anything else which make the difference.

Later this year I'm heading back to Poland, to Warsaw and meeting up with some of the people I knew from some years before and also spending time with my former domme and to be honest I can't wait.


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RE: On becoming post-BDSM - 1/25/2010 4:55:22 AM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: stella41b

Can anyone relate?



Yes, I think I can, a bit at least. Increasingly the "stuff" that is associated with BDSM - the "scenes", "roles", "whips'n'chains", "protocols" etc etc is starting to feel a little bit "yesterday". To me (and I'll stand up for the right of anyone who does find all that stuff fulfilling mind you) it's becoming less about the overt and more about the nuance... I've not moved on as much as you - I still enjoy the roleplay/dressing-up/whips'n'chains but I associate it more with "kinky play" than BDSM - increasingly BDSM is about what's not said, it's about look, the acceptance.



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RE: On becoming post-BDSM - 1/25/2010 5:13:52 AM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline 		hey there

its funny, im feeling the same way. been browsing through the threads and been thinking, 'wow that was me a year or so ago' all wrapped up in the whys and wherefores, the how to and when, shall i or can i, should i or whatever. now im feeling 'meh!'

i am meeting up with someone ive been in contact with for over a year this thursday and im kinda hoping that itll just ease into a sort of fun, warm, happy thing with no pressure, no big BDSM hype, just two people whove been around the block a couple of times and just want something flowing, companionable and relaxed.

im still me and ill never be vanilla and right now im not too sure how this is going to pan out. but im taking a way more 'take it or leave it' approach these days.

that said if it works out on thursday and he grabs my attention i might swing back, just the whole thing has become less crucial as an expression of who i am

maybe its just that we've put our feet up a bit. you know, we've sussed what we get from it, we know who we are and the rush of finding out and exploring has past. now we're just easy and if it comes our way then fine, if it doesnt then thats fine too.

anyway, its a phase for me, ive been here before, we grow and change i think, its natural and normal and just means that there has been a shift of emphasis on what we need from life.

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RE: On becoming post-BDSM - 1/25/2010 5:57:13 AM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

the whole thing has become less crucial as an expression of who i am


This passage grabbed me quite a bit actually. This happened to me about 4 years ago when I left the boards for a bit. I've been back for about 2 months but I'm not the same as I was then. To be honest, I really don't give a toss about any BDSM conventions or protocol. I just want what I want and I know that I'll find it in a woman-led relationship and this will either happen with a strong submissive man or with an open minded "vanilla" man.

I haven't bought a BDSM "toy" in over 5 years and I probably won't invest in anything else. If anything, I got rid of a lot of stuff. Though toys can be fun, I don't need them to express my sadism. I don't need them to express my dominant side. Besides, I'm pretty creative with household items.

All in all, it doesn't really matter what I define myself as. When I look at my true authentic self, I see a dominant and sensually sadistic woman. I was this before I discovered BDSM. What I discovered with BDSM was how to express it. I don't need BDSM however to keep it alive in me.

- LA


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RE: On becoming post-BDSM - 1/25/2010 7:26:05 AM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika

quote:

the whole thing has become less crucial as an expression of who i am



This grabbed me too.

quote:


What I discovered with BDSM was how to express it. I don't need BDSM however to keep it alive in me.

- LA



As did this



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RE: On becoming post-BDSM - 1/25/2010 7:48:25 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

I'm going through a phase where I'm admitting that I've moved on and things have changed and I don't think they're ever going to change back. At least not for me
Never say never Stella!

quote:

One of the highlights of last year was getting to meet Mercnbeth, seeing them in the flesh, being able to reach out and touch them, and that desire to be able to do the same with a number of people here remains just as strong as ever.
Thank you so much Stella and we hope to see you again soon. Meeting you and all the people who we got to meet at the pub in London was one of our 2009 highlights as well.

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RE: On becoming post-BDSM - 1/25/2010 8:05:17 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

I'm ever going to change back to the way it once was.


We never do, it is best not even to try...

Just embrace it


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RE: On becoming post-BDSM - 1/25/2010 8:21:17 AM   
Wolf2Bear


Posts: 3204
Joined: 9/6/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: stella41b

This has been going through my mind for a while now and has been further sparked by the conversations I'm having with a few people.

I'm going through a phase where I'm admitting that I've moved on and things have changed and I don't think they're ever going to change back. At least not for me.



Greetings Stella,

In many ways yes I do relate yet I do not figure it is because I'm moving away from BDSM or kink. Like with anything else in life, when we "discover" something which catches our attention or interest enough to seriously pursue, we have that enthusiasm which is almost all encompassing. As time passes and we learn and experience much, that enthusiasm does mellow out to the point where we naturally made it second nature almost. To me this simply means that we have taken the realm of BDSM to a point where it is so intergrated into our everyday thinking, living, etc that we don't think of it as a separate 'thing' anymore.

I believe I know you enough o say that BDSM has become so natural that you don't think of it as much because you have grown...you have learned what you determined you needed to and taken all that experiences and made it a part of you-the lines which separate the "kinky" Stella and the "vanilla" Stella are too blurred thus no longer separable.


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