quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet

*hugs*

Also, it is not just how it's used, but by whom it is being used.  The person using any tool is the one who determines how it will be used and what the outcome will be.  I can't over emphasize enough how important it is to choose wisely, especially if you are going to give the person basically a blank check of control.

lovingpet

quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2


you can submit to pretty much most things when you know there is a thought process and a plan going on in the back ground.

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ORIGINAL: DomImus

quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2
you can argue that she shouldnt have gone into a relationship with him. you could argue that he was excercising his right to meet out the punishment he always meeted out. i would argue that he knew the sub had claustrophobia, that it would be unwise to traumatise her in that way and there are plenty of other things he could have come up with.

That pretty much sums it up. At the very least if I was assigning blame it would split it right down the middle. She knew his preferred punishment up front and made assumptions she perhaps should not have made and he knew she had issues with his preferred punishment up front and chose to enact that punishment anyway. I won't dump all the blame on one party. To do so indicates obvious bias.

quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet

If he ever let my reasons run the relationship, what we had would be destroyed.  He can deal with them in whatever manner seems appropriate, but only because he has established the reputation for exercising good judgement.  His job is to be trustworthy.  My job is to trust.  Really it is both our jobs to do both, but in the narrow scope here, that is what power exchange needs to thrive.  I certainly do my best to uphold my end.  He has consistently upheld his as well. 

lovingpet

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ORIGINAL: lovingpet

So it would appear. [:)]

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ORIGINAL: osf

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ORIGINAL: lovingpet

So it would appear. [:)]

nice to have someone on my side once in a while lol

it's lonely on the front lines

quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

Dammit lally! You and your color-scheme quoting system. I can't make heads or tails of it. [8D]

and there was me trying to be helpful.[:D]

But, yes...if you find that certain requests can still surprise you (meaning, there are realistic things you hadn't anticipated being asked to do) then don't agree to any dynamic that would suggest that you are laying everything on the table. It doesn't have to be a bad thing if you're a bit more of a slow-motion slave (I would think most s-types are). Just understand it and be honest with yourself about it.

yes, i realise that i have to put the breaks on, if i need to, but you know its hard to do that with someone when youre the s'type [&:] but then we enter the compatibility thang.

quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet

quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2


you can submit to pretty much most things when you know there is a thought process and a plan going on in the back ground.

This is what has been most true for me.  It is his track record and his ability to articulate some kind of thought process that helps me be able to let go.  I'd love to say I can just freefall at any time he so pleases, but it is getting very close to that.  It has come by us exploring each other's minds, desires, past, and goals.  I have been in more than a few situations where I had to let go and trust him and he has handled it well and with the utmost of care and concern.  He has helped me understand aspects of his plans that were difficult for me instead of trying for a blind leap on my part.  A few times, he has also determined that I would have to to do just that.... take the plunge and trust him for the results.  Time and again, he has proven himself worthy of my trust and respect.  At some point, I will quit my fretting and rest peacefully in his hands.

lovingpet

quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2

weeeelll, im meeting someone tomorrow from here, and he's been reading this thread, i keep seeing his handle on the top of the page, so if he doesnt know how i feel about impunity by now he never will... lol. and it hasnt put him off either. [:D]

quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2

quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet

quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2


you can submit to pretty much most things when you know there is a thought process and a plan going on in the back ground.

This is what has been most true for me.  It is his track record and his ability to articulate some kind of thought process that helps me be able to let go.  I'd love to say I can just freefall at any time he so pleases, but it is getting very close to that.  It has come by us exploring each other's minds, desires, past, and goals.  I have been in more than a few situations where I had to let go and trust him and he has handled it well and with the utmost of care and concern.  He has helped me understand aspects of his plans that were difficult for me instead of trying for a blind leap on my part.  A few times, he has also determined that I would have to to do just that.... take the plunge and trust him for the results.  Time and again, he has proven himself worthy of my trust and respect.  At some point, I will quit my fretting and rest peacefully in his hands.

lovingpet

[:)] youre working at getting to that point together, thats probably it, in the end. i would say that most relationships are all about teamship and pulling together toward a common goal. its not so equal in these here parts but the sentiment is there. well, it seems to me anyway, with those guys who are together and staying together.

another spot of melodrama, not sure what this is about today atall. but i love the story 'Footsteps in the sand' - when youre finding it tough going, thats when he carries you. ok ill stop now. xx [:)]

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ORIGINAL: lally2

quote:

ORIGINAL: osf

quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet

So it would appear. [:)]

nice to have someone on my side once in a while lol

it's lonely on the front lines

but you have youre goose.

going to youre other point, that i cant highlight cos im pants at that. there are times when you walk a very very fine line between what is possible for the submissive and what is not impossible. when it physically and mentally brings you to a point of breakdown. that in of itself isnt always a negative thing for the submissive if its handled judiciously, but everyone has their breaking point, i reached mine that time and it continued beyond that point and beyond and then i was told (indirectly) hat it was going to get much worse.

when you look at it this way, and its a bit melodramatic, but im trying really hard to get past the whole 'submissives must submit, always and not complain ever'. torture has been used on hard men to bring them to their knees - everyone has a limit of endurance, beyond that point ethical issues start to arise.

even the most hard boiled sadist has to realise at some point that his subject has reached the end of her rope, how they handle it beyond that point determines if the outcome is good or bad.

quote:

ORIGINAL: CaringandReal

quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2

weeeelll, im meeting someone tomorrow from here, and he's been reading this thread, i keep seeing his handle on the top of the page, so if he doesnt know how i feel about impunity by now he never will... lol. and it hasnt put him off either. [:D]

*excited for you * I hope it goes very well.

thanks, it was really enjoyable.

You certainly start some fascinating threads. I've really enjoyed reading this one, even when it got very confusing! :p

apparently my highlighting skills are pants [:)]

FWIW, while I think it's good you had these experiences (as you learned you have good self-preservation instincts as well as backbone). And, as awful as they were, they could have been much worse. But having to walk away the way you did is hard on someone who wants to be a slave. It takes a toll on your ability to believe that total power exchange is possible. I've seen similar experiences make submissives who were once as sincere as you are very jaded and cynical, to the point where they came to believe that no one ever experienced powerful surrender and control, that it was all playacting. With luck that won't happen to you, but given their attitudes at one time remind me of yours, I think it's a distinct possibility.

yes, me and others i know on here have gone through that. it does start to make you wonder if its either the lucky few and largely fiction for the rest of us. it gets frustrating and a little bit soul destroying when you put youreself forward totally and end up having to pull away. and when you do pull away you feel less than the s'type you believed youreself to be. in the process i had to get angry in order to do it. thanks for sharing that, its reassuring to know that its a process.

The advice of others in this thread, to take it very slow, is sterling. I know it seems to go against one's desire to submit completely or to be completely taken over. Maybe there's something you and your next potential master could put into place, some workaround, that would make this more palatable to you, mentally and emotionally. For intance, if things get past the exploratory stage and you both feel serious interest, perhaps decide to cement your ownership with a small ritual six months in the future. Until that time you are not entirely owned, you still have a very few freedoms, such as the freedom to walk. Six months is a good period to get to know someone in, for the main elements of personality to shake down and become visible. (Although a year is better, IMO, that's asking too much of most people, including maybe yourself.) Then, if you once again find you have to walk, you can do so with ... dare I say it? ... impunity. ;) You may both feel very bad if this happens, but at least you'll go away from the experience knowing that you didn't disobey, you didn't reneg on your commitment to be a slave, it just didn't work out during the "getting to really know you" stage. Your confidence in yourself and your identity as a submissive who craves power and as someone who keeps a commitment will not be not shaken up or damaged.

i am stronger inside in fact and more aware of myself and life is all about learning.

in the end, ultimately you cant stop being who you are. but i have to admit i have grown very attached to being me (helped by this journey) and being on my own. its ok.

in a way, what Stella wrote on her thread is quite close to where ive settled. i havent lost the belief or the desire, but its not so vital to be submissive to anyone in order to be myself. i am myself and i dont need a Master to reflect that back to me. but, then again, it would be nice.

thanks for youre post. xxx