ElanSubdued
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Akasha,
quote:
How come more submissive men don't seriously, intensely reflect on the idea/reasons why a woman can be *sadistic*? Just how does that happen in her wiring, in her mind, and how does that reconcile with her other instincts and needs?
This is a complex question and one that doesn't have a "one size fits all" kind of answer. As a starting point, I'll remove the leading conclusion in the question itself. I think many submissive men (and kinksters in general), particularly as they mature and gain experience, reflect on aspects and motivators of their counterparts, and sadistic, dominant women certainly aren't excluded from consideration. Similarly, people reflect on their own motivations. It's fairly common to hear experienced kinksters say something like "I'm comfortable with this part of myself and I don't question it anymore". I've often said words to this effect. However, there are times I still ponder what motivates me, triggers me, and shapes this part of me. The answer is multi-faceted, situational, and based, to some degree, on exposure to BDSM at an early age.
When I've asked female dominants about their motivators, I usually find their answers are similarly multi-faceted. Things that often come into play are: family background; life experiences; positive exposure to BDSM ideas (either at a young age or later on); curiosity for exploring new things; high interest in sex, control, or power, or combinations of these; desire to experience communication at a deeply intimate level. This, small list doesn't even begin to scratch the surface.
I'll somewhat undo what I've written in the previous, two paragraphs by saying that as long as I feel a sadist's approach and motivators are coming from a healthy, positive place, I really don't question this. What I will ask a woman is what turns her on. What pushes her buttons and gives her pleasure. The answers here are so different and broad that it's difficult to group them together (and I don't). Again though, if a woman says "this... and this... and this... turn me on", I really don't question why. I simply appreciate that these are things she enjoys and I feel privileged she trusts and respects me enough to shares these desires.
The question of "how does sadism and BDSM reconcile with a woman's other instincts and needs" is unique to each woman (and really, regardless of gender, to each person). For myself, when considering partners, I endeavour to examine that BDSM is something supporting (and illustrative of) my partner's strengths rather than being an avoidance mechanism or a mechanism that supports attributes I consider unhealthy and/or undesirable. I also look for balance with other goals and activities in life, and, as you're alluding, balance with other instincts and needs. I've often talked with a domme partner so as to really get inside her head (from the point of view of understanding her drivers and the things she needs). Before doing this though, I check to see that the person is in interested in sharing this way. I'll ask a few questions and see how she responds. Likewise, I'll look for comfort level and desire in terms of body language, tone of voice, eye contact, and what she shares. If I think it's appropriate, I may flirt with her and seduce her to a greater comfort level and to a deeper (or more intimate) level of conversation. This is very much a two way street in that the domme also invites conversation and responds in such a way as to inspire and motivate my interest. I have no desire to force someone to talk about themselves, their desires, and their fantasies.
On the Internet, it's fairly easy to see people as one dimensional or as having limited dimensionality because you only view a small part of a person. The many submissive men who post "do me" profiles and "do me" threads might lead one to believe this is the mindset of submissive men in general. I think this kind of conclusion is deeply flawed and outright incorrect. Looking at the other side of the fence, were I to draw conclusions about dominant women (or, perhaps, female sadists in particular) by reading web posts, I'd likely come to a lot of inaccurate conclusions. Behind wanker, "do me" posts are actual, complex people. This is something I think we all tend to forget. Why does someone post a troll thread? The reasons are probably many. Passing time. Curious to see what happens. Lack of understanding and experience regarding fantasy versus actual, real life interactions. I think it's important to remember that the people behind these posts are (still) rarely as one-dimensional as their posts make them seem.
In face-to-face interactions between dommes and submissives, there are many reasons why a submissive might not initially ask about the domme's fantasies and hot buttons. As I've described above, I think a comfort level needs to be established for both people. If the domme isn't inviting or approachable, the submissive may not ask. Sometimes roles get in the way. I've most definitely been in the situation when meeting a domme and it felt as though I should only speak when spoken too. I was waiting for her to lead and to demonstrate what she expected of me. Ironically, on the other side, she may have been waiting for me to take the lead in conversation or at least to inspire conversation. We kinky people really do sometimes make dating harder than it needs to be!
Now, after having quite a bit of experience with BDSM dating and BDSM relationships, I'm at the point where if I can't engage in straight-up, vanilla conversation with a domme, and the two of us don't enjoy one another on that level, the kinky stuff never enters the equation. When I'm meeting a woman who I know is dominant and she knows I'm submissive, certainly there is a little bit of this in the background and the two of us may subtly flirt with this or acknowledge it in various ways. However, the bulk of getting to know anyone has little to do with BDSM roles, play, and protocols. Vanilla courtesies and skills, and subtle flirting and tokens of affection still lead the way to more intimate conversation, just as they do in vanilla dating. Thus, I tend to think the best way to seduce a domme into conversation and to learn more about her kinky fantasies is to treat her as any gentleman would... as simply a woman deserving of respect, kindness, courtesy, etc. This means, perhaps, for a while, avoiding kinky topics altogether or, playfully responding and initiating as is appropriate.
quote:
How on earth does a man's suffering make her wet and aroused, especially when he knows she's not being mean for the sake of being mean, and there's true heart and compassion in there also?
I realize you're not literally asking the question here, but I'll still make a few comments. What makes a dominant, sadistic woman (or any person) sexually wet (intellectually, emotionally, and physically) is very different from person to person. I've met female sadists who simply get turned on by reactions to pain. There is no "oh, I love it when he takes this for me or shows his devotion to me this way". Heck no. The turn on is... hit a boy... get a reaction... mmmm, yum! Domme instantly wet. Other dommes are more effected by the devotion and supplication dynamics than by the actual reaction to pain itself. Yes, as is the definition of a sadist, giving pain is part of the trigger, but a far larger part of the turn-on has little to do with giving pain or the pain response, and more to do with a submissive's willingness to accept the pain as part of a larger picture of devotion. I've met dommes for whom both the giving pain and pain response, and the devotional aspects are important for the turn-on to work. In other words, neither one, on their own, is the trigger. I've met Dommes for whom the marking aspect (actually leaving marks on their partner) is the most important part of the turn-on trigger. There's probably as many variations as there are unique, dominant women, which is to say a whole lot. :-)
quote:
But why don't sub guys have this same burning need to know, "am I doing this right"? Is "right" to them as long as it matches his fantasies; not hers?
I don't agree that submissive men have little desire to know what turns their partners on. There's a big difference between someone posting online (or someone you meet briefly, perhaps at a play party or on a first date), and someone who is invested in you as a person. I think this is an important distinction to make.
quote:
Do femdoms have fantasies? I just realized how few subs have asked me, "what are your femdom fantasies like?" I remember the first guy I dominated that blew my mind asked me that, we were teenagers in my car making out.
Obviously, I realize you know dommes have fantasies and you've frequently shared some of yours here on Collar Me. Perhaps we're dating in considerably different circles. The submissive men I know most certainly probe their partner's fantasies. This is one way you show affection for your partner and seduce your partner. You can't seduce a woman if you don't know what turns her on so asking about her fantasies is something that usually comes up. Do you really mean few submissive men have ever asked you about your fantasies or does it simply feel this way after having a few too many mismatches when meeting people?
Elan.
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RE: the Mistress by nature , what Mistress is this ? - 
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