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tragedy and sexuality - 1/30/2010 4:23:22 PM

jujubeeMB

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Has anyone ever gone through something really hard (family member hospitalized, death of a friend, Bush getting elected for a second time...sorry, kidding. sort of

) and found that their libido, while not quite vanishing, took a fairly extreme nosedive? If so, about how long after a traumatic event or string of events did it take for you to come back to feeling... well, normal?

I'm not currently in a relationship, and I'm wondering if anyone has any advice as to how to approach sex and dating, keeping the abnormally high levels of anxiety and sadness I'm experiencing in mind. Is it better just to wait it out and stay off the market for a long time, or to be honest with the people I date about my current state?

Thanks for any input.

Post #: 1

RE: tragedy and sexuality - 1/30/2010 4:25:20 PM

lusciouslips19

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Tragedy and depression has made me take a break from casual BDSM play. I cant say my libido has taken a nosedive. But emotionally I havent been in a place where I could enjoy something casual.

I can tell you that emotional instability and depression, at least for me did not mix with BDSM. I experienced high highs from subspace which in turn then led to big crash downs and greater depression.

< Message edited by lusciouslips19 -- 1/30/2010 4:26:50 PM >

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RE: tragedy and sexuality - 1/30/2010 4:26:16 PM

CallaFirestormBW

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That is actually -really-, -really- common, and not at all unexpected. After a while, once your emotional health has stabilized, your libido will likely come back, as long as the person or persons you've been with while you've been healing have been supportive and don't lose interest themselves just because you did. Sometimes, if the crises around the family get staggered, there can be really long dry spells while everyone gets their libido active at the same time again.

Calla

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RE: tragedy and sexuality - 1/30/2010 4:26:28 PM

LadyAngelika

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quote:

ORIGINAL: jujubeeMB

Has anyone ever gone through something really hard (family member hospitalized, death of a friend, Bush getting elected for a second time...sorry, kidding. sort of ) and found that their libido, while not quite vanishing, took a fairly extreme nosedive? If so, about how long after a traumatic event or string of events did it take for you to come back to feeling... well, normal?

I'm not currently in a relationship, and I'm wondering if anyone has any advice as to how to approach sex and dating, keeping the abnormally high levels of anxiety and sadness I'm experiencing in mind. Is it better just to wait it out and stay off the market for a long time, or to be honest with the people I date about my current state?

Thanks for any input.

For me, I actually want to play more when things are going wrong, but I'm strange like that. I've never had a low libido. Playing (sex, s&m) makes me feel alive and can be a lovely distraction. Carpe diem I say.

Now if there are things going on in your life that could affect you getting into a relationship or change the dynamic of a relationship considerably, you don't have to stop dating, you just have to, when the time is right, be upfront about your current state.

- LA

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Post #: 4

RE: tragedy and sexuality - 1/30/2010 4:27:32 PM

littlewonder

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My husband passed away 15 years ago. My libido has never been the same since. It pretty much became nonexistent for most of those years until I'd say the past 4 or 5 years maybe and I've only in those years started to feel more like a sexual woman.

It's going to be different for everyone I think depending on what the traumatic event is and how strong their emotions play into their sexuality.

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Post #: 5

RE: tragedy and sexuality - 1/30/2010 4:27:57 PM

windchymes

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Nothing wrong with taking some time off for "me" time. They'll all still be there when you're ready to venture back out. :)

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RE: tragedy and sexuality - 1/30/2010 4:32:37 PM

SylvereApLeanan

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Yes and yes. I finally had to accept that grief is a process and there's just no way to rush it. I gave myself permission to take as much time as I needed to experience each stage of grieving and that, more than anything, helped me get back to normal. I'm married, so it wasn't dating that was my problem, it was the damage being caused to my exisiting relationship by my non-existent sex drive. Fortunately, my husband is the best so he understood I needed to take time to heal and gave it to me without pressuring me. All told, it took about a year from the event until I felt myself again.

My best suggestion is to give yourself as much time as you need to feel comfortable. If you date, make it clear to any potential partners that you're taking some time away from sex (if you decide to do so) in order to focus on your emotional health. Anyone who is worth your time will understand and will accept your need to deal with your stress. If you decide not to date, that's perfectly fine too.

*Edited for spelling

< Message edited by SylvereApLeanan -- 1/30/2010 4:35:03 PM >

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RE: tragedy and sexuality - 1/30/2010 4:36:14 PM

antipode

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quote:

or to be honest with the people I date about my current state?

Mourning, in the most general sense, can take a year or more. In my case, when I do not feel a desire to date, I don't, and when I do not feel a need for sex, I don't have any. What confuses me about your question is that you say you have a reduced libido, but you still want to (if I understand you right) date and have sex, while you are being honest about "your state".

But you never reveal what state that is. And I am not sure why you should feel compelled to declare yourself "on" or "off" the market. You've sustained a loss, you go with the flow, your body will tell you when you're next attracted to someone. You make it sound like there is some kind of requirement for you to date "while being honest". That would turn me right off, to be honest, partly because I do not understand your conflicting desires. There should be no conflict, you eat when you're hungry, not when it is 6pm, sort of thing.

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Post #: 8

RE: tragedy and sexuality - 1/30/2010 4:37:40 PM

kallisto

Posts: 1185
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I agree with Calla. It is fairly common. Different people have different ways of dealing with things. I don't think there is any right or wrong way to deal with it. Once you're emotionally and mentally healing, I think the physical end will return. Sometimes overthinking things can make them seem worse than they really are. By all means, if you've got a support system, then use it (friends, family, etc.). I've known friends who needed the physical, casual play to get their minds turned back around again. They needed to "feel" (physically) before they could begin to let their emotions heal. Others have been like luciouslips and couldn't do the casual. Me? I've done it both ways ... and at the time, it was what I needed.

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Post #: 9

RE: tragedy and sexuality - 1/30/2010 4:40:34 PM

NihilusZero

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From: Nashville, TN
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quote:

ORIGINAL: jujubeeMB

Has anyone ever gone through something really hard (family member hospitalized, death of a friend, Bush getting elected for a second time...sorry, kidding. sort of ) and found that their libido, while not quite vanishing, took a fairly extreme nosedive? If so, about how long after a traumatic event or string of events did it take for you to come back to feeling... well, normal?

I'm not currently in a relationship, and I'm wondering if anyone has any advice as to how to approach sex and dating, keeping the abnormally high levels of anxiety and sadness I'm experiencing in mind. Is it better just to wait it out and stay off the market for a long time, or to be honest with the people I date about my current state?

Thanks for any input.

Depending on the relationship you'd be seeking, it could actually help. Having the intimacy of someone close to you with whom you can talk about these things makes the ability to approach sex in a very cathartic, emotional way a positive exchange. From there, actually feeling free to grasp it by the reins to where it's a delicious, carnal expression should more easily follow.

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Post #: 10

RE: tragedy and sexuality - 1/30/2010 4:40:54 PM

ResidentSadist

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All those things you mention add up to personal stress. I can only tell you what I have done in the past. Instead of dating and dumping my “emotional baggage” on other people, I took a 90 day hiatus from dating a few summers ago. I spent my normally high sexual energies working out, swimming, biking, building up my corporate business and causing trouble here at collarme. I had never taken a break from dating before. I had never lived without a woman in my house. It was a nice break. Only you know if this is the right course for you. I just thought I would share it to expand the options you can choose from .

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RE: tragedy and sexuality - 1/30/2010 4:53:15 PM

jujubeeMB

Posts: 723
Joined: 1/8/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: antipode

quote:

or to be honest with the people I date about my current state?

Mourning, in the most general sense, can take a year or more. In my case, when I do not feel a desire to date, I don't, and when I do not feel a need for sex, I don't have any. What confuses me about your question is that you say you have a reduced libido, but you still want to (if I understand you right) date and have sex, while you are being honest about "your state".

But you never reveal what state that is. And I am not sure why you should feel compelled to declare yourself "on" or "off" the market. You've sustained a loss, you go with the flow, your body will tell you when you're next attracted to someone. You make it sound like there is some kind of requirement for you to date "while being honest". That would turn me right off, to be honest, partly because I do not understand your conflicting desires. There should be no conflict, you eat when you're hungry, not when it is 6pm, sort of thing.

I suppose I'm frustrated because I want to want to have sex. And it's not a one time traumatic event, it's been awhile now and it's possibly going to last for years. Without going into it - I don't really want to - my mom is in the hospital with a severely debilitating disease that could keep her unable to take care of herself for years. I'm putting my life on hold to take care of her, which I of course want to do, but I'm 25, and I can't help feeling like if I don't find a way to balance this and dating, I'm going to miss a huge chunk of my 20s. For instance, I just joined this site, and already I feel like I'm learning a ton about my sexuality. I want to take that stuff and run with it, you know?

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RE: tragedy and sexuality - 1/30/2010 4:55:35 PM

jujubeeMB

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All that said, I definitely see the point that a lot of people are making about taking a break. That's probably the best (and healthiest) plan, but I would still love to hear any other options anyone can think of.

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Post #: 13

RE: tragedy and sexuality - 1/30/2010 4:57:59 PM

LadyAngelika

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Joined: 7/4/2004
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I'm sorry to hear about your mom.

quote:

For instance, I just joined this site, and already I feel like I'm learning a ton about my sexuality. I want to take that stuff and run with it, you know?

A lot of people responded telling you it was ok to take time off and that they did. That is one option.

I'm going to repost what I wrote to you because it seems you did not see it and I feel it corresponds to the question in your OP.

quote:

Is it better just to wait it out and stay off the market for a long time, or to be honest with the people I date about my current state?

Now if there are things going on in your life that could affect you getting into a relationship or change the dynamic of a relationship considerably, you don't have to stop dating, you just have to, when the time is right, be upfront about your current state.

- LA

< Message edited by LadyAngelika -- 1/30/2010 4:58:43 PM >

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Post #: 14

RE: tragedy and sexuality - 1/30/2010 5:03:53 PM

LadyAngelika

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Joined: 7/4/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: jujubeeMB

All that said, I definitely see the point that a lot of people are making about taking a break. That's probably the best (and healthiest) plan, but I would still love to hear any other options anyone can think of.

You have had alternate opinions. Read my two posts to you. I can expand on this if you like.

- LA

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Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

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Post #: 15

RE: tragedy and sexuality - 1/30/2010 5:08:38 PM

camille65

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Of course it can be a normal reaction. Grief or trauma isn't just emotional, it also has a physical toll to take in account. It could be your bodies way of asking you to slow down so your emotions can finish processing, or it could be a bit of depression from a traumatic event.

I don't know if I'd remove myself altogether but I wouldn't be in any hurry to make a deep connection either if I were in that situation. But really it is such an open question it is hard to answer.

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RE: tragedy and sexuality - 1/30/2010 5:09:05 PM

NihilusZero

Posts: 4036
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From: Nashville, TN
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quote:

ORIGINAL: jujubeeMB

All that said, I definitely see the point that a lot of people are making about taking a break. That's probably the best (and healthiest) plan, but I would still love to hear any other options anyone can think of.

Masturbation.

Seriously. Let yourself actually connect with the enjoyment of the sexuality itself in a private, expectation-free environment.

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I know they're all insane
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I know that I'm to blame."
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RE: tragedy and sexuality - 1/30/2010 5:10:15 PM

MistressTonya2u

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Everyone is diffrent.
If I had to care for My mom, I would probably take a break for a while.
Thats just Me though.
What works for one person may not work for someone else.
You just need to follow your own heart and do whatever you think is the right thing.
I am really sorry to hear about your mother, and wish the best for you both.

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Post #: 18

RE: tragedy and sexuality - 1/30/2010 5:11:39 PM

lusciouslips19

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Perhaps another alternative that you should be looking into is getting additional help in taking care of your mother. Do you have other family members? Even without being so young you would still need some breaks to aviod caregiver burnout.

I would say, get help, so you can have a life. 25 is too young to be putting your life on hold. You do deserve a break without guilt.

< Message edited by lusciouslips19 -- 1/30/2010 5:12:15 PM >

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RE: tragedy and sexuality - 1/30/2010 5:12:48 PM

sexyred1

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Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: jujubeeMB

Has anyone ever gone through something really hard (family member hospitalized, death of a friend, Bush getting elected for a second time...sorry, kidding. sort of ) and found that their libido, while not quite vanishing, took a fairly extreme nosedive? If so, about how long after a traumatic event or string of events did it take for you to come back to feeling... well, normal?

I'm not currently in a relationship, and I'm wondering if anyone has any advice as to how to approach sex and dating, keeping the abnormally high levels of anxiety and sadness I'm experiencing in mind. Is it better just to wait it out and stay off the market for a long time, or to be honest with the people I date about my current state?

Thanks for any input.

I just went through a number of traumatic events from 2009 till now. I would most definitely say that stress for me, results in a lower libido.

(in reply to jujubeeMB)

Post #: 20

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