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Autistic Spectrum Disorders + WIIWD = - 1/31/2010 12:40:27 PM

pyroaquatic

Posts: 1535
Joined: 12/4/2006
From: Pyroaquatica
Status: offline

Are there are couples out there living the lifestyle with coping with Autistic Spectrum Disorders?

What is the relationship like?

How is the relationship different than others?

Is play different?

I have somewhat recently discovered I have Asperger's. I mean, it states it right in my profile. I know I am not going to die alone (i used to think i was for the longest time) if I keep training myself to be sociable. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it. I have been in relationships before (somewhat vanilla bordering on a kinky dynamic) but not knowing that I had this. Now I do. :D

I just want to know what it is like for others, and how their day rolls along... the difficulties... the great moments, everything in between.

Paint me a picture with oh so pretty words!

sincerely,

Pyroaquatic

_____________________________

You are what your deep, driving desire is.
As your desire is, so is your will.
As your will is, so is your deed.
As your deed is, so is your destiny.
-Brihadaranyaka Upanishad IV.4.5

Post #: 1

RE: Autistic Spectrum Disorders + WIIWD = - 1/31/2010 12:53:41 PM

LadyAngelika

Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pyroaquatic
I just want to know what it is like for others, and how their day rolls along... the difficulties... the great moments, everything in between.

I used to have a really good online friend on Bondage.com who had Aspergers. I wish I had contact info to put her in touch with you. I'll see if I can remember he alias... kitty something. That was 5+ years ago. She had a really understanding partner so it was cool.

I think we all come with our strenghts and limitations. The thing is being honest about it from the beginning and figuring things out with your partner. You have a lot going for you so I wouldn't worry about it too much. Just focus on learning to live with this. Most that I know live a very normal life.

(((Hugs)))

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to pyroaquatic)

Post #: 2

RE: Autistic Spectrum Disorders + WIIWD = - 1/31/2010 2:59:17 PM

MsTKeepr

Posts: 2
Joined: 1/28/2010
Status: offline

I have no input for you, but will be fascinated to see what you do get. I have a son in his teens who is PDD-NOS and worry constantly about him. As it is I've been having the most interesting conversations about sex and masturbation with him. I'm just thankful he can talk with me about it!

I look forward to hearing more!

MsTKeepr

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

Post #: 3

RE: Autistic Spectrum Disorders + WIIWD = - 1/31/2010 6:36:13 PM

jstkrs

Posts: 61
Joined: 1/23/2010
Status: offline

The social training is so important! What others intuitively know and understand, you and I have to work to comprehend. Tone of voice and facial expression are so important in understanding what someone is saying. It does not help when I have to remind myself to look at someone when I'm talking to them or just what verbal social nicety they expect to hear. And the 'were they making fun of me or was that a joke' caused me no end of trouble when I was young. (if only people would use emoticons when we were speaking LOL)
When my son was diagnosed and then I was as well, the light came on for me. Putting a name to something and understanding what parts of your behavior are effected, makes all the difference (if you don't know what's broke, it's hard to fix it). My son received cognitive and behavioral therapy and I found many of the things they taught him were things that I had stumbled upon earlier that made my life easier. My son, while still considered odd by some of his classmates, functions amazingly well and even has a wonderful girlfriend.
I can tell you this, it is certainly possible(for most) to learn to function almost normally. It is also entirely possible find someone who will accept your idiosyncrasies, even love you for them.
For me, the lifestyle is a place where most things make sense. Like minded people are generally much easier to understand and with everyone labeling themselves in definite terms, dom, sub, sadist, masochist or what ever, I have a better understanding of what each might do and say and why.The social "scripts" are much less diverse. (I know this labeling of people doesn't always work and many times inaccurate, people don't fit into neat little cubbies, but it is one of the coping tools I learned to use.)
As a sub I know my role, I know what is expected of me. I am free to be myself within the confines of my role without fear of making a fool of myself.

What is the relationship like? How is the relationship different than others?
Quite honestly,in my marriage, I don't perceive that my relationship any different than anyone else's(but then would I even know what 'normal' is). My husband and I communicate well but sometimes we have to work extra hard to avoid misunderstandings. Do also realize that when he and I met, most of my coping mechinisms were already in place and I didn't have many issues with it.
With my Master...I can honestly say that the subject has never come up nor caused any problems in our relationship.

Is play different?
Play is no different other than I have a tendancy to get overstimulated and have panic attacks but I'm not sure that's caused my the aspbergers.

< Message edited by jstkrs -- 1/31/2010 7:09:15 PM >

(in reply to MsTKeepr)

Post #: 4

RE: Autistic Spectrum Disorders + WIIWD = - 1/31/2010 8:11:13 PM

shatteredmelody

Posts: 16
Joined: 1/23/2010
From: somewhere, NC
Status: offline

I've got Asperger's. :) Though, I'm single and so I've yet to really see how it impacts a relationship. I was just diagnosed in Aug. '08. I'm working with a life coach/medication combo to get to a more 'socially normal' standing rather than 'hermit'. XD

(in reply to jstkrs)

Post #: 5

RE: Autistic Spectrum Disorders + WIIWD = - 1/31/2010 8:11:31 PM

pyroaquatic

Posts: 1535
Joined: 12/4/2006
From: Pyroaquatica
Status: offline

I tend to get overstimulated as well. This may sound like backwards logic but the best thing to do is to leave me alone (make sure I am not to go outside to get run over/lost). I run out of 'People Energy' quickly, I have also noticed.

What really does me in are CRT monitors (due to electronic emissions) and long florescent tube lighting (they strobe and oscillate). Both of those give me headaches. I tend to have to touch certain items in the environment to a.) see what the texture is like.... and b.) see how off my body feels in relation to what I am touching. I believe it is called Spatial Orientation but I could be wrong.

There are a few other things. My mind knows where it wants to go and how it wants to motor my coordination. Sometimes the body gets indecisive and repeats itself in a jerky, smooth motion. It is quite annoying but it does not affect my life much.

jstkrs, do you find that you are able to take massive amounts of pain for hours... but well up into tears over a tiny papercut?

I have had the therapy, but this was before the asperger's was apparent to me so it was not tailored specifically to that. Perhaps I should go back.

I am attempting to get my father to understand Asperger's but he refuses to believe anything is wrong with me. He does say I "don't need drugs to be weird." Thanks father, thanks.

My biggest fear right now is that I am about to lose my current employment because despite my therapy and efforts to understand the human condition I am failing miserably.

Which would cut into...

well...

Anything I do.

All I can do is keep trying and pray that I get set into the routine and use my inflection/tonal stress properly. I tend to do my best at something like this when I emulate the best. where's that girl that does 250 sales a week...................

wait... I don't know how this is BDSM related exactly. This topic may need moved.

I am wired weird and kinky, I guess that is how it.

is.

related?

_____________________________

You are what your deep, driving desire is.
As your desire is, so is your will.
As your will is, so is your deed.
As your deed is, so is your destiny.
-Brihadaranyaka Upanishad IV.4.5

(in reply to jstkrs)

Post #: 6

RE: Autistic Spectrum Disorders + WIIWD = - 1/31/2010 10:16:18 PM

jstkrs

Posts: 61
Joined: 1/23/2010
Status: offline

Funny, I'd never associated those particularities of mine with Aspergers, but it makes sense.
Agreed on florescent lights. Hate them with a passion.

Touching everything is a joy for me, though one of the things I do limit as general course because people look at me weird. I don't know if anyone else gets a thrill from rubbing their cheek across silk (love the fabric store) or running their fingers over the ridges of a seashell, but I do.

I wouldn't say massive amounts of pain, but a good amount anyway,probably more than many. Paper cuts are evil, but I don't know how it would be if I was in my headspace. I'm a sensation slut though(I think it ties in to enjoying touching things). Anything that gives a different sensation makes me happy. Master thinks it's so odd when I giggle uncontrollably when he uses the wartenburg wheel on me. If Aspergers makes the sensations of BDSM more enjoyable for me, then that's at least one plus.

The jerky movements only occasionally cropped up, but for the most part the SSRI's I take alleviates those for some reason. I don't know if they're suppose to, but what ever works.

The more you know about it, the more able you'll be able to deal with it, so I would suggest you read all you can about it. Beyond that therapy would probably be the best course of action.
As for the job front, it's never easy. Finding the right job to accentuate the positives(I love how you write and think) but also downplays the negitives. Working with people never suited me at all (I was a waitress for my first job...yeah you can probably guess how well that worked out for me.)

"I 'don't need drugs to be weird.' " Hmmm. I think I'll leave that one alone except to say this about myself: I absolutely am weird and wouldn't change that for the world. I love how I see life in apparently a different light than everyone else. However, all avenues need to be taken to do whatever needs done to make functioning in this world full of "normal" people possible.

I do have a kink related question for you--For me at least, I tend to focus inward at least part of the time. I do it less now than when I was younger when it was hard to get me out of my head. (wow that sounds weird but I think you may know what I mean). During play do you focus inward and does that focus help you reach your headspace/subspace?

quote:

ORIGINAL: pyroaquatic
I am wired weird and kinky, I guess that is how it.is.
related?

Love it

(in reply to pyroaquatic)

Post #: 7

RE: Autistic Spectrum Disorders + WIIWD = - 2/1/2010 1:34:01 AM

allthatjaz

Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline

My ex partner was diagnosed with Aspergers 2 years into our relationship. At first I just thought he was eccentric but then a friend that had a son with Aspergers recognized certain traits and pointed this out to me. Getting him assessed was difficult because doctors in the UK are only really interested in diagnosing children. Aspergic adults often get tossed to the curb because like our doctor said 'whats the point of a diagnosis when there's nothing you can do about it?' I disagree. My partner needed to know and understand why he had, what others perceived as peculiar and often erratic behavior and our relationship was on the point of breakdown living with his spaghetti head.
Once people understood and accepted that he had Aspergers, including me,they become more understanding, more forgiving when for example he got tunnel vision and couldn't listen or pretend to show interest in what they were saying or get agitated whilst dining out to the point of getting up from the table and walking out.
I did an enormous amount of reading and understanding the condition and working out ways that would make both our lives easier and more fluent. I would suggest the op leaves a book on Aspergers on his dads coffee table.
Pyroaquatic your submissive and I think that is really in your favor. Consistent structure from a Domme will make you shine. So long as she understands and is prepared to educate herself about your complexities. Until I understood it I found it frustrating and much of his behavior left me emotionally baffled but once we were able to work at it together (I just became a control freak!!) then all was cool.

_____________________________

S&M (Steve and Maria) persona libre de convencionalismos

Fan of edgeplay.co.uk

(in reply to jstkrs)

Post #: 8

RE: Autistic Spectrum Disorders + WIIWD = - 2/1/2010 1:50:47 AM

MzMinx

Posts: 277
Joined: 12/26/2005
Status: offline

hello pyro

nephandi who frequents the gorean forum openly talks about her aspergers and she has been in a long term relationship with her partner Aswad .... I am sure she would not mind a message contact from some one who is seeking genuine information

*warm smile*

Mz Minx

(in reply to allthatjaz)

Post #: 9

RE: Autistic Spectrum Disorders + WIIWD = - 2/1/2010 6:33:54 AM

PeonForHer

Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline

Pyro,

One of my oldest friends was diagnosed with Asperger's some years ago. He's always been very bright, but also eccentric. He's now married and has four children of whom he's very fond and looks after well.

I've no idea if they have a consciously D/s lifestyle, though I doubt it. Whenever my friend's talked of his sexual wiring, it's suggested something of a more Dom inclination.

All of which is to say: I think Allthatjaz may be right, so long as you know that your prospective partner accepts, and loves, you for what you are. Having Asperger's may well be something that could actually nicely with a submissive sort of man partnered to a dominant kind of woman. You're also no-one's idea of an idiot - I'll bet you'll pick up any skills that are needed to make a relationship survive that you don't have already.

Good luck with that work situation. Don't let the buggers get you down, chum.

Peon

_____________________________

http://www.domme-chronicles.com

(in reply to pyroaquatic)

Post #: 10

RE: Autistic Spectrum Disorders + WIIWD = - 2/1/2010 9:31:21 AM

pyroaquatic

Posts: 1535
Joined: 12/4/2006
From: Pyroaquatica
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: jstkrs
I do have a kink related question for you--For me at least, I tend to focus inward at least part of the time. I do it less now than when I was younger when it was hard to get me out of my head. (wow that sounds weird but I think you may know what I mean). During play do you focus inward and does that focus help you reach your headspace/subspace?

Yes, yes I do know. The head in the clouds semi lucid state that plagues me on a daily basis. I think so much that I can forget to eat for days, If no one is watching.

I have only reached subspace once, so I would not know.

I will say that it makes me a passionate lover... as I have a great amount of control over parts of my body (heart rate, blood pressure, yogic and tantric stuff). There is nothing like watching your partner orgasm multiple times (and the gratitude that comes after).

Allthatjaz,

yes I do understand the part of me being submissive is in my favor. I need lots of structure and it needs to be rigid/consistent. Even changing how I mop the floor can

'send me into a tizzy'.

Peon!

Any skill that I have picked up I did so to offset my weaknesses.

I learned how to juggle to improve my reflexes and coordination. It was terrible... now my manual dexterity is great (i wish it was the same for my gross motor skills). I could go on.

Thanks everyone.

_____________________________

You are what your deep, driving desire is.
As your desire is, so is your will.
As your will is, so is your deed.
As your deed is, so is your destiny.
-Brihadaranyaka Upanishad IV.4.5

(in reply to jstkrs)

Post #: 11

RE: Autistic Spectrum Disorders + WIIWD = - 2/1/2010 9:37:15 AM

pyroaquatic

Posts: 1535
Joined: 12/4/2006
From: Pyroaquatica
Status: offline

Pikturs. Yayee.

Attachment (1)

_____________________________

You are what your deep, driving desire is.
As your desire is, so is your will.
As your will is, so is your deed.
As your deed is, so is your destiny.
-Brihadaranyaka Upanishad IV.4.5

(in reply to pyroaquatic)

Post #: 12

RE: Autistic Spectrum Disorders + WIIWD = - 2/2/2010 4:19:31 AM

MaamJay

Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline

pyro, some time ago (unfortunately I didn't make a note of when, a bad error on My part), there was a phenomenal and LONG thread on here on Aspergers, started by Calandra. It's late so I don't want to start fiddling around with searching but I hope you can find it. If not, msg Me on the other side, and if you are willing to provide a regular email addy, I saved the whole thing (slightly trimmed up!) as a 75 page Word doc! The discussion involved lots of Aspie's, got quite medical and scientific in parts, but also talked about relationships and coping mechanisms too, for the most part, productively and pleasantly.

What I will say in brief is this: Firstly, knowing about it is important as it helps you seek help to address the shortcomings of the condition AND embrace the positives of it too. Secondly, it means that others may be motivated to be more understanding of the times when you miss the subtleties of "regular" conversation etc and react in ways unexpected by them. Thirdly, you seem to be (as indeed are many Aspies) a very bright character and you were already motivated to understand yourself better and to better yourself. This means you already have highly desirable characteristics for many Dommes who don't want a sub who is easily satisfied with the status quo. And fourthly, as has been said, a Domme who is willing to set you regular schedules and who is happy to live a regulated life will find you the ideal sub, one who doesn't get bored with that! So, I believe you have a LOT to offer! Hang in there, vive la difference and I wish you every positive to come from this situation.

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to pyroaquatic)

Post #: 13

RE: Autistic Spectrum Disorders + WIIWD = - 2/2/2010 4:37:42 AM

Futuresocks

Posts: 112
Joined: 5/25/2008
Status: offline

I have the disorder. I've struggled with it and it's many complications all my life. I am highly phobic, of germs, of certain smells, and sights and such. It's complicated, really. I don't want to make this thread about me going into why and how these obsessions, fixations, troublesome notions distract me, but they do and I can't beat them, only keep them in check. Overall, I am set back by my condition, being so afraid and deterred from exploring further. That's the ultimate truth of it.

I see BDSM as a treatment for it. The slave heart is who I am, and I find when under a Domme's control, I cope better. The trick is, getting someone who can understand that a lot of things are my limits because they are my condition's limits. The phobias then are another mistress, you could say.

However slowly, my limits have expanded. I can now be done anally with a strap-on if in the shower. I use to never could be touched like that. Still, I have good days and bad days. Sometimes I get up and it's a challenge to see someone lick fingers at work and not get mad. Often, I can't dress at all or wear shits with collars or tight pantlegs. I feel violated from them. I hate rolled up sleeves. They unsettle me for reasons I know not. I can ward off not screaming at the site of mosquitoes on many good days. And my obsessions with shapes and the revving engines, the desire for carbs...always there.

It's a setback, but then, BDSM is how I cope with myself. it's not all of me. I am a high-functioning man, a writer by trade and a lover of many things. I try to see and balance all of who I am.

(in reply to MaamJay)

Post #: 14

RE: Autistic Spectrum Disorders + WIIWD = - 2/2/2010 5:13:06 AM

allthatjaz

Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline

Futuresocks, you sound very similar to my ex partner and your right, people with Aspergers often make very good and successful authors.
I had to chuckle when I read about the carbs because I have another Aspergic friend that lives off anchovies! I may laugh but he's actually very healthy for it.

Another thing my ex had was terets and this was linked to his Aspergers. He didn't go around swearing at people but would tongue click a lot.

One of the things we did every morning was make lists and those lists had to be abided by. I had to be ever consistent and insistent with him which was never actually a problem as a Domme but without that it just couldn't of worked.

_____________________________

S&M (Steve and Maria) persona libre de convencionalismos

Fan of edgeplay.co.uk

(in reply to Futuresocks)

Post #: 15

RE: Autistic Spectrum Disorders + WIIWD = - 2/2/2010 5:19:48 AM

Futuresocks

Posts: 112
Joined: 5/25/2008
Status: offline

Funny. I crave rice, sweet tea, and candy. If Im not careful, I'll down bags in a sitting and get sick!

Anchovies...yuck!

I do chatter my teeth much of the time. Maybe it's a form of (or related to) the clicking as with terrets. And I too work well with lists and contractual obligations. I remember cleaning a kitchen while sick at the force of a contract. I couldn't abide the comfort of lying down without that fulfilled. It really constitutes a prison, I tell ya!

quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz

Futuresocks, you sound very similar to my ex partner and your right, people with Aspergers often make very good and successful authors.
I had to chuckle when I read about the carbs because I have another Aspergic friend that lives off anchovies! I may laugh but he's actually very healthy for it.

Another thing my ex had was terets and this was linked to his Aspergers. He didn't go around swearing at people but would tongue click a lot.

One of the things we did every morning was make lists and those lists had to be abided by. I had to be ever consistent and insistent with him which was never actually a problem as a Domme but without that it just couldn't of worked.

(in reply to allthatjaz)

Post #: 16

RE: Autistic Spectrum Disorders + WIIWD = - 2/2/2010 5:35:40 AM

jstkrs

Posts: 61
Joined: 1/23/2010
Status: offline

I think this is the tread that MaamJay might be referring to. I have read only a portion of it but very interesting to say the least. http://www.collarchat.com/m_1110895/mpage_1/tm.htm

(in reply to MaamJay)

Post #: 17

RE: Autistic Spectrum Disorders + WIIWD = - 2/2/2010 5:39:35 AM

jstkrs

Posts: 61
Joined: 1/23/2010
Status: offline

Pyroaquatic-- love the drawing. I saved it and showed it to my son. His response was "Yep, some days that's how it is."

(in reply to pyroaquatic)

Post #: 18

RE: Autistic Spectrum Disorders + WIIWD = - 2/2/2010 5:48:38 AM

MaamJay

Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline

Yes that's the one, thanks for finding it!

And why am I still up when it's even later now??

By the way folks, the other syndrome you are referring to is spelled Tourette (or Tourette's) Syndrome ... you'll need the correct spelling if you want to research it! It is linked with ADHD and also with obsessive-compulsive disorders, and some of the signs and symptoms mentioned earlier (the problem with germs, the phobias etc) are more directly related to those issues than to the Asperger's itself. Unfortunately syndromes often seem to travel in packs!

On the plus side, here's an interesting article on the positive side of Asperger's.
http://autismaspergerssyndrome.suite101.com/article.cfm/positive_traits_of_aspergers_syndrome

Maam Jay aka violet[A] who is now definitely retiring to bed it being 1am here!

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to jstkrs)

Post #: 19

RE: Autistic Spectrum Disorders + WIIWD = - 2/2/2010 5:55:52 AM

lusciouslips19

Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline

I have been reading this thread with interest as my 11 year old has Aspergers. And yes, he has already won an essay contest. His writing style expresses so much more than speaking to him can. He is amazing in so many way.

Pyro, appreciate your gift. Asperger's is indeed challenging. Having friends is challenging. I am glad my son has been given tools to help him in school. Teachers have always delighted in him as they love his insight into the world. People who know of his condition have been very understanding because he is such a wonderful spark of a person that they forgive him his flaws.

I think he will need a beautiful bossy girl to help him through and she will appreciate all that he is and how big his heart is. Those that have met him from here are already big fans of his.

I am sure you will win friends too.
And my c-mail is always open too.

_____________________________

Original Pimpette,
Keeper of Original Home Flag and Fire of Mr. Lance Hughes
Charter member of Lance's Fag Hags,
Member of the Subbie Mafia
Princess of typos and it's my prerogative

(in reply to jstkrs)

Post #: 20

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