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RE: Domme headspace and *why* she likes something - 1/31/2010 6:46:29 PM   
OMGlikegagme


Posts: 18
Joined: 1/22/2010
Status: offline 		Demeanor is very important to me.  I've played with Dommes who get extremely emotional during play, and that's a deal breaker for me.

Play only works for me, personally, if it stays light.  I'm upfront about this.  I'd never presume to tell a Domme what she "has to feel," but if scenes get emotionally heavy then I'm going to lose interest.

In fact, attitude and demeanor are more important than any checklist of kinks I might have.  The particulars matter far less to me than the general principles--if the Domme is amused at my suffering, gets jazzed by degradation, and finds devising new tortures hilarious then we're likely to be compatible.  If not, then we're unlikely to be compatible even if she happens to have some of the same particular interests as me.

This isn't an issue of trying to top from the bottom or coming in with a list of demands.  It's simply a litmus test I use for determining whether there is even a good chance of compatibility from the outset.

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Domme headspace and *why* she likes something - 1/31/2010 6:52:50 PM   
CdnExplorer


Posts: 227
Joined: 2/12/2007
Status: offline 		To be honest I think that mode of thinking completely evaporated when I actually got involved enough with someone for for fantasies to start becoming reality. She knew that for every activity that I enjoy it in some way comes back to control, and I knew nothing of what our first scene would be until moments before it happened. Between being terrified, excited and having my heart up in my throat there wasn't any time to think about how she "should" feel. Just that she did feel.

The first time that she enjoyed a really different aspect was when her sadism came out to play in a serious way. I'm not a big masochist by any means. I still enjoy a little pain for its own sake, but I enjoy it more as an expression of control. She was sort of the opposite. She'd enjoy the control aspect of it, but for her the infliction of pain itself was the major factor. When I realized she was getting off on something completely different I was scared because I didn't have any idea in my head where it could lead. I let her take the scene wherever she wanted though; until I was right on the edge of spacing out. I didn't have any idea that's what I was actually feeling, just that I felt weird haha.

(in reply to Andalusite)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Domme headspace and *why* she likes something - 2/1/2010 8:29:27 AM   
Andalusite


Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline 		Thank you, CdnExplorer, I suspected that might be what is going on for quite a few of them.

OMG, I don't understand how you can do "light" no-emotions psychological torture! Even just feeling helpless and vulnerable involves very intense emotions. Do you mean that you only want to play casually with someone who you won't get involved with romantically?

(in reply to CdnExplorer)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Domme headspace and *why* she likes something - 2/1/2010 8:59:47 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

If I am led to believe that someone else wants Me to think, feel, get turned on a certain way, by a certain thing, etc, they are going to be met with a lot of resistance. 


Indeed.  I noticed that on the 'hetero men sucking cock thread, LP.  The more some of us tried to turn you on, the more we were met with cold, passionless resistance from you. 

Heh, heh, heh......   Trying to be cute, huh?

The example is a good one, though.  It may very well be addressing what the OP is looking at.  Let's establish that as an example in My case.  Same act that I can include different elements of kink to turn Me on in different ways.  A few examples for fun.  The control factor - do it specifically to please Me while I direct the action.  The humiliation factor - an act because it is unnatural for someone.  The voyeur factor - watching a male give/receive a hot blow job.  There's more, but I think you get the point.

Now, if someone is willing to engage in this because they get off on the humiliation factor, and ONLY the humiliation factor, AND expect that to be how the scene is conducted each and every time, we're a bad match.  The mood may not strike Me to go the humiliation route.  I may feel like lovingly whisper in his ear all the sweet things of how much it's turning Me on to see him demonstrate his submission for Me.  How our bond is deepening in our dynamic.  Stroking his hair and gently caressing his skin. 

That won't work with someone who has already programmed in his own head that the scene is all about the rougher aspect of the play.  If he can only get off on the scene by his hair being grabbed and pulled, My hand on his jaw to open his mouth, telling him he's going to used for the little cock whore that he is, the boy is going to be greatly disappointed.  While I may decide that I want that kind of scene next time, I may have decided on this occasion, that I want the former.

I'm not saying that either one is bad.  In fact, I like both of them.  However, that's kind of the point.  I may want to engage in either one, depending on who I'm playing with.  If it has to be one or the other, or ONLY one option because that's how I have to react, I feel as though someone else is trying to control Me.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to PeonForHer)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Domme headspace and *why* she likes something - 2/1/2010 3:20:22 PM   
ElanSubdued


Posts: 1511
Status: offline 		Peon,

quote:

LadyPact
If I am led to believe that someone else wants Me to think, feel, get turned on a certain way, by a certain thing, etc, they are going to be met with a lot of resistance.

PeonForHer:
Indeed.  I noticed that on the 'hetero men sucking cock thread, LP.  The more some of us tried to turn you on, the more we were met with cold, passionless resistance from you.


Hmmm.  I don't quite see this the same way.  For example, were I to take your cock in my hands, making you effect with my lips and tongue, I don't think Lady Pact would object.  Nor, having plunged your cock past my lips and into the depths of my throat (your pre-cum dripping from my lips onto my heaving chest as you involuntarily thrust), do I think She would resist interest.  It's just a theory I have however.

Elan.

< Message edited by ElanSubdued -- 2/1/2010 3:23:35 PM >

(in reply to PeonForHer)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Domme headspace and *why* she likes something - 2/1/2010 4:16:12 PM   
submaleinzona


Posts: 77
Joined: 2/23/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Andalusite

So, for the male submissives, especially those who've had at least one in-person relationship, is this an aspect that was mostly fantasy based and was no longer an issue once you actually got involved with a Domme?


I think that, for me, the question was always more along the lines of *if* she likes it, not so much the "why." The reason is that, as a submissive, I feel like I've been this way all my life, and I don't really know why. My impression is that dominant women often don't know why they're dominant. To answer the question "why" can become a bit nebulous and speculative. Still, it's interesting to delve into nonetheless, but that's a much deeper issue.

As for the fantasy-based aspects of it, that's a bit hard to pin down in my mind. In my younger days (25-30 years ago), I may have had my fantasies, but I kept it as a compartmentalized section of my consciousness which I kept to myself. There wasn't any Internet, and the adult book stores around here didn't really have anything that catered to what I was looking for. I would find a few articles here and there; perhaps a letter or two in Penthouse Forum. It became somewhat difficult in broaching the subject with vanilla women I've been with, as I tended to feel somewhat self-conscious that they thought it was too weird or bizarre. I didn't want to push my fantasy upon them. If they didn't really want to do it (or only did so for my benefit), then I would feel like a bit of a heel for even bringing it up in the first place.

The Internet may have been both a blessing and a curse in this respect, since I learned that I wasn't actually alone or even as strange as I thought I was. I sought out sites of this subject matter. When I actually got involved with a Domme, the question if she likes it didn't really my mind. After all, if she identifies as dominant, then I assume that's what she likes, and it seems straightforward enough. My bigger concern at that point was whether or not she liked me. I didn't really have any preconceived notions or a laundry list of kinks, because I was more inclined to respond to that lustful dominant energy which seemed more evident when she was doing the things the she liked to do. The only real problem was that we really didn't have any compatibility outside of that; we had different interests, different ideas, different personalities.





(in reply to Andalusite)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Domme headspace and *why* she likes something - 2/1/2010 5:49:25 PM   
PhoenixRed


Posts: 174
Joined: 10/7/2007
Status: offline 		FR

Elan...dude...GEEZ, it just got hot in here! Whew!

_____________________________

Everyone deserves a break from the person everyone else expects them to be.
In the great experiment known as evolution, evidently there are some people who's ancestors were in the control group.

(in reply to submaleinzona)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Domme headspace and *why* she likes something - 2/1/2010 7:29:36 PM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ElanSubdued

Peon,

quote:

LadyPact
If I am led to believe that someone else wants Me to think, feel, get turned on a certain way, by a certain thing, etc, they are going to be met with a lot of resistance.

PeonForHer:
Indeed.  I noticed that on the 'hetero men sucking cock thread, LP.  The more some of us tried to turn you on, the more we were met with cold, passionless resistance from you.


Hmmm.  I don't quite see this the same way.  For example, were I to take your cock in my hands, making you effect with my lips and tongue, I don't think Lady Pact would object.  Nor, having plunged your cock past my lips and into the depths of my throat (your pre-cum dripping from my lips onto my heaving chest as you involuntarily thrust), do I think She would resist interest.  It's just a theory I have however.

Elan.


Elan, 

I'm not sure that such comments to me on this board are appropriate.

Unless, that is, they also include reference to my grabbing at your hair to pull your mouth further onto my cock, feeling your tongue swirl around my glans - and feeling your fingers claw at my buttocks till I feel blood beginning to drip from them.

_____________________________

http://www.domme-chronicles.com


(in reply to ElanSubdued)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Domme headspace and *why* she likes something - 2/1/2010 7:33:29 PM   
Andalusite


Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline 		submaleinzona, it sounds like you have a fantastic attitude. I agree that online BDSM sites can feed the fantasy aspect in unrealistic ways for some folks, but that they can also be helpful in education and finding a partner.

(in reply to PeonForHer)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Domme headspace and *why* she likes something - 2/1/2010 7:50:39 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

quote:

ORIGINAL: ElanSubdued

Peon,

quote:

LadyPact
If I am led to believe that someone else wants Me to think, feel, get turned on a certain way, by a certain thing, etc, they are going to be met with a lot of resistance.

PeonForHer:
Indeed.  I noticed that on the 'hetero men sucking cock thread, LP.  The more some of us tried to turn you on, the more we were met with cold, passionless resistance from you.


Hmmm.  I don't quite see this the same way.  For example, were I to take your cock in my hands, making you effect with my lips and tongue, I don't think Lady Pact would object.  Nor, having plunged your cock past my lips and into the depths of my throat (your pre-cum dripping from my lips onto my heaving chest as you involuntarily thrust), do I think She would resist interest.  It's just a theory I have however.

Elan.


Elan, 

I'm not sure that such comments to me on this board are appropriate.

Unless, that is, they also include reference to my grabbing at your hair to pull your mouth further onto my cock, feeling your tongue swirl around my glans - and feeling your fingers claw at my buttocks till I feel blood beginning to drip from them.

Pardon Me, but have you two boys forgotten who is supposed to be directing this little scenario?


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to PeonForHer)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Domme headspace and *why* she likes something - 2/2/2010 2:35:31 PM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline 		No, LP, I'm sure neither of us has forgotten.

_____________________________

http://www.domme-chronicles.com


(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Domme headspace and *why* she likes something - 2/2/2010 5:19:20 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Very good.  Now, I'll just have to hear a bit more from both of you about your personal experiences so I'll know what I want to do next.  

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to PeonForHer)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Domme headspace and *why* she likes something - 2/2/2010 5:35:20 PM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline 		That's entirely understandable, LP.  I can easily imagine how shy an inexperienced domme would feel in the situation at hand. 

_____________________________

http://www.domme-chronicles.com


(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Domme headspace and *why* she likes something - 2/2/2010 5:38:51 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Yes, yes.  That's the ticket.  Come tell poor, inexperienced Lady Pact details of your most delicious scenes so she'll get some <cough> ideas.  

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to PeonForHer)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Domme headspace and *why* she likes something - 2/2/2010 5:47:06 PM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline 		Come, come, LP!  Far be it from either of us to top from the bottom! 

_____________________________

http://www.domme-chronicles.com


(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Domme headspace and *why* she likes something - 2/2/2010 6:27:04 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Telling someone of your past experiences isn't something I'd consider topping from the bottom.  Nobody said that talking about them ensures a repeat of your good past encounters.  Consider it good research so I'll know how to best arrive at My own conclusions.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to PeonForHer)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Domme headspace and *why* she likes something - 4/18/2010 8:21:57 PM   
SlaveSubtoserve


Posts: 282
Joined: 6/21/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika

quote:

ORIGINAL: Andalusite

Sorry, I have a cold, so maybe the cough syrup or lack of sleep is contributing to my poor writing. :( I know LA has misunderstood some of my posts the last couple of days, so I'll make an effort to be more clear!

Me too I have a cold, which is why I've been home all weekend with movies, soup and the internet.

quote:

LA, I enjoy being seduced into things by someone I'm already in an intimate relationship with. Usually this mindset comes up before meeting, via e-mail (or perhaps on the first or second date). Even so, I don't think that being seduced into it would change what I'm complaining about. I'm talking about things that I like, that I *want* to do, or at least am open to and would get *something* positive from, but I know that I wouldn't respond in precisely the way they have asked me to (either because I've done that form of play before, or it just doesn't fit my mindset and the way I react in general).

Sometimes the guys are just do-me wanker types, and I dismiss them out of hand, but there have been a couple that seemed very promising other than this particular are, back when I was looking. Most of them didn't have much experience, or had only been with a pro-Domme, so I figured that it was a fantasy thing. It made me feel like they wanted me to be an actress in a play or something, following not just the script in words, but portraying emotions as they direct it. I felt it didn't leave me any room to actually *dominate* them or control the scene. Heck, even if I *did* feel that way about the activity, I wouldn't want to feel obligated to - I might get something different about it the next time I incorporated it into a scene.


I understand this part above clearly. I've discussed it a few times in fact, in part in The Over-Fetishization of the Dominant Woman thread.

I want to make sure when I meet a man that he is focussed on meeting my needs first. That is the only way I'll be open to meeting his. I know it's not ideal but that's the way I roll. Men are welcome to take it or leave it.
- LA




I think thats definitely the best way to proceed certainly initially focused on the sub meeting your needs with the understanding oc that should there not be eventual reciprocation assuming he is worth it, he will walk away.....i think both subs and Dommes should be very overt as this being an operable MO from the start.....would make things easier for us guys who need sharp roadlines .....

(in reply to LadyAngelika)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Domme headspace and *why* she likes something - 4/18/2010 8:37:29 PM   
SlaveSubtoserve


Posts: 282
Joined: 6/21/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

quote:

ORIGINAL: Andalusite

Most of the guys who do this *claim* (and perhaps even genuinely feel) that they are putting the Domme's needs first. They just have a very firm idea ahead of time of what those needs and wants and desires are, and don't seem to be very open to input from the actual woman unless it matches what they envision or fantasise about.


This has been a big frustration for me, but I often wonder if it just comes down to a core difference between men and women. Not to be stereotypical, but the whole (with sex and sexuality thing) "women are physical, visual" and "women are sensitive, emotional."  (I am taking great liberties with the words I choose here, but I think people will get my drift.

Or, it goes back to what Lady A was saying in her thread about the over-fetishization of dominant women.  Or some of the points that came from that at least.  Men can't help it if they have been somewhat programmed by a fetish industry built around a fantasy and produced by men for men.

My main gripe is this, though.  Way before I knew how kinky I was, when I was "experimenting on vanilla prey" and boyfriends, boy, did I get a LOT of questions from my guys.  They wanted to really, truly understand why I did what I did, what I got out of it, how did it make me *feel*, what were the nuances that made it great vs. just good, and how could they be a better partner at it.   And they also were more eager to experiment with the way they submitted so they could improve the experience for me.    This kind of inquisition just does not happen, for the most part, with "submissive men."  And I have never been able to figure out if it's because deep down, they don't want to know why or how we are like this (sadistic women and femdoms). Does that spoil the mystique and ruin the fantasy?

I have met a few amazing subs who are exceptions to this rule fortunately. But for the most part I am unsure why more sub men don't want to really dig in and understand how and why femdoms are motivated the way they are. Akasha




Not to disagree AAkasha as i am sure you are right here, but flipping your excellent point around do you think most lifestyle Dommes make a similar effort to understand the why's of male submission???- that is outside of the Pro dungeon anyways ......(this is not a vouching for that btw)....my feeling is that there is similar ennui in that regard from your side of things also.....even a cursory perusal of the Mistress boards shows a vacuity in essential understanidng of the behind the curtain drivers of male submission= not a whine but just an expansion of your original excellent insight to include both sides of the coin.


(in reply to AAkasha)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Domme headspace and *why* she likes something - 4/19/2010 8:34:05 AM   
Andalusite


Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline 		I have tried to understand men's submission and masochism, both in general, and what made my specific partners tick. However, in many cases, knowing what worked for them in terms of headspace made it clear, when I was looking, that they were incompatible with me. For example, they wanted to feel humiliated, or needed a particular headspace from me that just wasn't going to happen. My submissive playpartner is a woman, so there are a few things that are different than with the men I've played with, especially emotionally/headspace-wise. I'm enjoying learning more about how she ticks, too.


< Message edited by Andalusite -- 4/19/2010 8:43:19 AM >

(in reply to SlaveSubtoserve)
Profile   Post #: 39
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