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lovingpet -> RE: When punishing are there times when u should let it go & at times should u punish out of principle? (2/14/2010 9:47:43 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: NorthernGent
quote:
ORIGINAL: lovingpet
The first step is stop. The second is communicate. Absolutely NOTHING should be determined without understanding the situation thoroughly. I have missed deadlines due to being sick, responsibilities with my home or the kids, etc. I have also missed deadlines because I procrastinated, forgotten, or just plain didn't wanna. These are two totally different sets of circumstances. The third step is to THINK. Get past your own emotion and feelings of being affronted and really look at the slave's situation and motivations. Was this intentional? Is it a repeat offense? Does it really matter and affect you, her, the relationship, etc significantly and negatively? What is going to best resolve the issue? Were your expectations clear and reasonable? How is the slave already responding to your disappointment? The next step is to explain what you plan to do about the situation and why. Discipline, punishment, absolution, etc should not come out of the clear blue sky. She needs to understand your reasoning even if she doesn't agree with it. The last is to do exactly as you say you will including any prices you put on future behavior. If she can't count on you to do as you say, then she has no idea where the boundaries are or what your expectations of her really are. Discipline and punishment need never occur in the heat of the moment or in an out of control frame of mind. To my mind, that is simple abuse. Reasoned and careful meted out consequences are far more effective in the long term and reduce the possibility of doing or saying something you will regret.
lovingpet
Lovingpet - just out of curiosity here - why is it assumed that a dominant must go through this process of continually understanding behaviour and managing it?
Think of this like a car; a car is there to make your life easier. In the event it is constantly breaking down then it will develop into a pain in the arse and perhaps you will call it a day and look for a new car. Now where you're talking of teething problems in a new relationship then I can see your point - but at some point life has to move to an amicable state of affairs to make it worthwhile.
Life is too short to be constantly monitoring someone to bring out the best in them.
Unlike a car whose state is more or less static and, if it changes at all is in a state of decline, people are hopefully on some kind of growth path in life. Futher, the car does not have emotion, doesn't feel pain when sick or injured, etc. This is human property we are talking about and as such needs consideration for the fact that it is alive, thinking, and feeling. I give this consideration even to my cat. It really isn't asking too much.
I am sure there will be plenty of times when, after a proper evaluation of self and submissive, the behavior will just be plain unacceptable. The OP sounded much like he doesn't keep a good handle on himself and does not consider his submissive. That is simply the impression I got. In addition to that, it did sound like they were fairly new to each other and so there is more to check and evaluate at this point. There are some behaviors that if I threw at my partner now would not end well for me simply because it wouldn't be "like" me. It would be out of character and not for the positive and I would expect consequences for that.
I am just of the school that real life happens and we, as a couple, have to deal with the real human impact of those things. That doesn't excuse blatantly disrespectful behavior of flagrant disobedience, but it certainly is a factor. I will tell you I would lose a whole lot of respect for a dominant if I had to face some sort of unpleasant consequences because the sink backed up and dirty dishes were sitting when he got home, especially if I communicated the problem immediately and followed HIS instructions and the problem was not resolved. That is just an example, of course, but it would seem to me I did all the right things and still managed to "fail". On the other hand, I can't expect him to have been chased by a dog, fallen into a hole, got yelled at by customers, etc. and to come home and be in a happy mood. We both have to allow for the harshness of life and be kind to one another. At the end of the day, I'm not a car. I may be owned property, but I am human and need to be treated as such. Others may not need that. It is only my perspective.
lovingpet
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