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BDSM Lifestyle or not - 2/1/2010 6:53:25 AM

kinkienesss

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OK people of CM heres this weeks riddle. (figuratively speaking)

Should BDSM be considered a lifestyle or something that is merely added to ones life to be kept completely hidden from main stream society. OR is it somtheing different all together.

Whats your opinion?... Be honest.

< Message edited by kinkienesss -- 2/1/2010 7:03:42 AM >

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RE: BDSM Lifestyle or not - 2/1/2010 6:54:24 AM

RCdc

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quote:

ORIGINAL: kinkienesss

OK people of CM heres this weeks riddle. (figuratively speaking)

Should BDSM be considered a lifestyle or something that is merely added to ones life to be kept completely hidden from main stream society.

Whats your opinion?... Be honest.

Neither.

the.dark.

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RE: BDSM Lifestyle or not - 2/1/2010 6:57:36 AM

Jeffff

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I don't have a lifestyle. I have many different facets to the life I live.

Jeff

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RE: BDSM Lifestyle or not - 2/1/2010 6:58:57 AM

RCdc

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeffff

I don't have a lifestyle. I have many different facets to the life I live.

Jeff

Ummm... Jeffffwrey....
Shhh... you are starting to sound 'normal'...

the.dark.

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RE: BDSM Lifestyle or not - 2/1/2010 7:00:12 AM

Luckbunny

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For ME it's not something that's too heavy handed in my home. I live with both pets, so it does tend to be a more often than not thing, but it's not something I'm really conscious of. I mean I don't walk around thinking about how domly I should be or oh, I haven't ordered them to do anything today so I should, and I need to spank my personal pet or else he'll forget his place. I don't understand how Lifestyle BDSM works when it's taken to that kind of extreme. I'd always feel "on". If I need the boys to do something I say it, and I expect it to get done, but otherwise our house is very normal and chilled out. I don't understand the homes that seem to be all about their kink, though I don't judge them. It's just not something I could do.

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RE: BDSM Lifestyle or not - 2/1/2010 7:14:31 AM

allthatjaz

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I think the whole thing is just integrated. My partner is very much my lifestyle but our lifestyle just happens to include and merge with things that are considered as BDSM.
When we sit all night in a restaurant with vanilla friends and family and engrossed in conversations about worldly things, we are no further away from our lifestyle than when we are in a BDSM club and tying someone to a St Andrews cross. I would even go as far as to say that a BDSM club and tying someone to a St Andrews cross is probably about as far away from our lifestyle as we get because although its play time, its the one time when it all feels like a game.

Its actually a very difficult question. I used to believe that 'lifestyle' meant you lived on a collar and leash and got tied up in the dungeon whilst your partner was at work.
I know that submissives may say that the submissive dynamic is ever present even when subdued to a vanilla situation and dominants will say that they don't stop being dominant just because they are doing vanilla things and of course they are right and this is a great way to explain 'living the lifestyle'. The trouble with that is it categorizes too much and for me it makes the answer too simple.
I believe that living the lifestyle is so individual and unique in its own right that you will ask a thousand people and get a thousand different answers.
I live the lifestyle but if tried to explain the complexities of it I would either leave people feeling confused or others saying 'thats not the lifestyle' because my BDSM lifestyle doesn't fit snugly into any one box.

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RE: BDSM Lifestyle or not - 2/1/2010 7:15:49 AM

Luckbunny

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quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz

I think the whole thing is just integrated. My partner is very much my lifestyle but our lifestyle just happens to include and merge with things that are considered as BDSM.
When we sit all night in a restaurant with vanilla friends and family and engrossed in conversations about worldly things, we are no further away from our lifestyle than when we are in a BDSM club and tying someone to a St Andrews cross. I would even go as far as to say that a BDSM club and tying someone to a St Andrews cross is probably about as far away from our lifestyle as we get because although its play time, its the one time when it all feels like a game.

Its actually a very difficult question. I used to believe that 'lifestyle' meant you lived on a collar and leash and got tied up in the dungeon whilst your partner was at work.
I know that submissives may say that the submissive dynamic is ever present even when subdued to a vanilla situation and dominants will say that they don't stop being dominant just because they are doing vanilla things and of course they are right and this is a great way to explain 'living the lifestyle'. The trouble with that is it categorizes too much and for me it makes the answer too simple.
I believe that living the lifestyle is so individual and unique in its own right that you will ask a thousand people and get a thousand different answers.
I live the lifestyle but if tried to explain the complexities of it I would either leave people feeling confused or others saying 'thats not the lifestyle' because my BDSM lifestyle doesn't fit snugly into any one box.

You just explained that far better than I could've ^_^

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RE: BDSM Lifestyle or not - 2/1/2010 7:16:08 AM

Fitznicely

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I think most couples/groups who outsiders would say "live the lifestyle" get to the point where lifestyle and vanilla are pretty much indistinguishable. That's certainly where I am.

It's not something conscious, we just live our lives the way it feels right.

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RE: BDSM Lifestyle or not - 2/1/2010 8:24:09 AM

ResidentSadist

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If a whip hangs on the wall of the corporate office and there is a plaque that says:

“Employee Incentive Program”

I would say that BDSM was a lifestyle since its protocols were present at home, at work and at play. Not only did my employees know I lived an alt lifestyle but the butcher, the barber, the mailman and etc.

For others, it may be quite different.

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RE: BDSM Lifestyle or not - 2/1/2010 8:26:50 AM

ThatDamnedPanda

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Of course it's a lifestyle. That doesn't mean that everyone who has an interest in it lives it as a lifestyle, but the term "lifestyle" is a perfectly valid sociological term, describing a perfectly valid concept, and many people who practice BDSM incorporate it into their lives on such a fundamental level that it is, indeed, a perfectly valid term to define the way they live their life.

Everybody has a lifestyle of some sort, and while everyone's individual lifestyle is unique to them, everyones individual lifestyle can also be accurately defined by broader definitions, and usually many such broad definitions. Your lifestyle is a set of behaviors that define your values, your interests, and the way you choose to live your life and relate to the people around you in accordance with those values and interests. Vegans live a vegan lifestyle, in the sense that their dedication to a certain set of values forms the framework for a certain set of behaviors that describe the way they live their life. Many vegans also live a green lifestyle, reflecting their commitment to using fewer resources and producing less waste. Many vegans who live a green lifestyle also live an outdoor lifestyle, in the sense that being actively engaged in outdoor recreational activities is important to the way they live their life. Many vegans who live a green lifestyle and an outdoor lifestyle also live a BDSM lifestyle, in the sense that their interest in BDSM is a defining element in the way they relate to their partners.

And, many - not all, but many - vegans who live a green lifestyle, an outdoor lifestyle, and a BDSM lifestyle bristle indignantly at the very idea that anyone would point this out to them, because they feel it's unfair to define them in such narrow terms. Because people have a tendency to overreact if the accepted definition of a word happens to contradict their own person definition of that word, but they can bristle all they want. It doesn't do anything to change the fact that the term "lifestyle" is a valid sociological definition. If you think the term "BDSM lifestyle" applies to you and defines the way you live your life, then it almost certainly does. If you think it doesn't apply to you or define the way you live your life, it may still. Whether you choose to use the term yourself or not, and no matter how much it pisses you off to hear it.

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RE: BDSM Lifestyle or not - 2/1/2010 8:28:49 AM

sexyred1

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It is not a lifestyle for me, it is just one facet.

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RE: BDSM Lifestyle or not - 2/1/2010 8:33:08 AM

Jeffff

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Fuckin' Panda...:)

That was well said. I disagree, but still well said. I reject the term lifestyle for any way of living.

I have interests. None of those interests are so overwhelming that they are the most important thing in my life.

I may just be a matter of perspective. But since it is my life, it is my perspective that counts

Jeff

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RE: BDSM Lifestyle or not - 2/1/2010 8:56:07 AM

ThatDamnedPanda

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeffff

Fuckin' Panda...:)

That was well said. I disagree, but still well said. I reject the term lifestyle for any way of living.

You can reject the term all you want, but it doesn't change the fact that you have a lifestyle. Because everybody does. It's entirely possible that your individual lifestyle is so completely unique there's no way for a sociologist or a marketer to accurately apply a broad definition to it, but you have a certain way of living your life, the way you live your life reflects your personal values and interests, and by definition that is a lifestyle.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeffff
I have interests. None of those interests are so overwhelming that they are the most important thing in my life.

I may just be a matter of perspective. But since it is my life, it is my perspective that counts.

If that's true - and I'm not saying it isn't, because I don't know you - it doesn't matter, because no one thing needs to be the most important thing in your life in order to define a lifestyle. I live a mostly-green lifestyle, but that doesn't mean being green is the most important thing in my life. It just means that so many of my values and choices come back to that one central way of thinking, it's a very important aspect of the way I choose to live. If circumstances required me to give up that set of values and live a completely different life, I could, and I'd still be very happy. When I'm in a relationship, I live a BDSM lifestyle, because that defines the structure of my relationships (or at least, it did in the past). But that doesn't mean it's the only term that defines my lifestyle in a relationship - I also live a heterosexual lifestyle, a monogamous lifestyle, and a half dozen other lifestyles. All of which are completely accurate ways of defining my relationship, but none of which are exclusive definitions. And none of which are so overwhelming that they are the most important thing in my life, because the fact that I've been single for 9 years and am living a perfectly happy life makes that obvious.

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RE: BDSM Lifestyle or not - 2/1/2010 8:57:24 AM

Jeffff

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Ok, I can accept that.

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RE: BDSM Lifestyle or not - 2/1/2010 8:58:32 AM

VampiresLair

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FR

It's difficult to say. It would depends on how one defines the BDSM lifestyle and their role in it(assuming they even believe in it). Personally, I think most people tend to have a different lifestyle, because very few people live in exactly the same way. Even within the realm of the so-called BDSM Lifestyle, there are people who are drastically different...yet get lumped together under the strange BDSM umbrella.

My Owner and I have little in common with many other so-called BDSM-style relationships. There are even some people we have absolutely nothing in common with...and yet we're still often lumped together with them. Our relationship is certainly not the same as a male dominated polyamorous relationship, or even a female dominated one.

BDSM is a conveniant umbrella term, so you have countless lifestyles within it. Likewise, even though it's supposed to lump everybody else together, the term Vanilla is also just a conveniant umbrella term with many lifestyles with in it. Both terms are too all-emcompassing.

Sure, I do have a strong feeling that my relationship with my Owner is different from a majority of relationships...and this is largely based on factual observations. We are a female-led relationship, and while you can find that in all walks of life, it's not the majority. I suppose, for example, that people in polyamorous relationships may feel the exact same way. People who practice extreme sexual acts also may feel the same way...etc...etc...

I just think that the BDSM lifestyle is not an adequate term for a lifestyle, simply because it lumps everybody who (simplified) practices the vanilla position with the lights off in one group and everybody who does something else in the other.

There is not very many adequate alternatives though, terminology wise...

Hrm.

I'll just say that my Owner and I live our lifestyle and we're very happy. We wake up each day and I know we've never said, "OK, time to be normal today." or "OK, it's time for our kinky tuesday." Instead, we just do what comes naturally to us. It's not something that we can turn off and on.

We are normal(She'd tell me to speak for myself if she wasn't at work. :-p).

In short, I don't think a BDSM lifestyle exists.

DV's Fox

< Message edited by VampiresLair -- 2/1/2010 8:59:49 AM >

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RE: BDSM Lifestyle or not - 2/1/2010 8:59:42 AM

sexyred1

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You may be going for a dictionary definition which is normal, usually...but the way "lifestyle" is utilized pertaining to the world of BDSM, D/s, whatever, makes it more a matter of semantics than strict dictionary definitions.

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RE: BDSM Lifestyle or not - 2/1/2010 9:22:08 AM

ThatDamnedPanda

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

You may be going for a dictionary definition which is normal, usually...but the way "lifestyle" is utilized pertaining to the world of BDSM, D/s, whatever, makes it more a matter of semantics than strict dictionary definitions.

What way is that? I see it utilized in a lot of ways on these forums and in other BDSM venues. That's exactly the problem - people pick their own definition of the word, which is fine, and then many of them take it a step further by becoming defensive and occasionally downright hostile toward anyone who uses it in a way that conflicts with their personal definition... such as, for example, the literal and completely accurate definition. Which serves only to inhibit effective communication. And then you have threads in which people who are trying to have a productive, elevating, and intellectually honest discussion about questions that are important in their personal quest for self-awareness are picked apart by people whose own insecurities are threatened by the fact that some people look at things differently than they do. And no, I'm saying you're one of those people. I'm just saying, the term itself, or the way people use it, is not the problem - the tendency so many people have of quibbling over semantics is the problem.

< Message edited by ThatDamnedPanda -- 2/1/2010 9:24:15 AM >

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RE: BDSM Lifestyle or not - 2/1/2010 9:30:09 AM

sexyred1

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I agree. The "way" I am referring to is the way people try to bundle BDSM into a mythical place that exists on it's own. To me, I am not so invested in it that I would let it be considered the style of my entire life.

I don't really care how someone uses a term or how they personally define it; my only point was that that particular word, lifestyle, often seems to get put into two camps; the one that states we are in a "community" and the other, which I and Jeff both stated, that we do not consider our interest in BDSM to be either an entire lifestyle or that it automatically puts us in a community. For me, it is another facet of what makes me tick, just like my interest in movies, music, books or collecting snake jewelry.

I know that many people seek to find their self awareness by identifying with a "group" mentality. And that is cool for them. Just not for me personally.

Does that make sense?

< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 2/1/2010 9:31:28 AM >

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RE: BDSM Lifestyle or not - 2/1/2010 9:32:15 AM

LadyPact

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I use the term. If for no other reason, other people have some hint about the things included in My life.

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RE: BDSM Lifestyle or not - 2/1/2010 9:32:21 AM

RedMagic1

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ThatDamnedPanda
I'm just saying, the term itself, or the way people use it, is not the problem - the tendency so many people have of quibbling over semantics is the problem.

I agree with this. I think, though, that part of the reason people have a reaction to the word (and "labels" in general) is that it is used sometimes as a superiority club. "I've been in the lifestyle much longer than you, so I'm better." Or, "You're not a real _____ unless you're an active member of the lifestyle."

Now, there are lifestylers I deeply respect. But, well, there are lifestylers I deeply don't respect, also. On the whole, I really couldn't care less about how long someone has been getting tied up, or beating ass. Usually, when I see the word used, it's by someone who thinks it provides more credentials as to why he should be taken seriously. And who cares how many events you've attended? Credentials to me means: how many events have you demonstrated at, how many events have you helped organize, how many events have you volunteered at? That shows skill, responsibility and giving a crap about other people. Just showing up only proves you're a perv.

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