new and confused with dom/sub dynamic

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

new and confused with dom/sub dynamic

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> new and confused with dom/sub dynamic

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

new and confused with dom/sub dynamic - 2/2/2010 2:51:22 AM

Asher9624

Posts: 6
Joined: 2/2/2010
Status: offline

I am really new to all of this and not sure what to do with the situation I find myself in. I met a dom a couple weeks ago and we have been chatting and have seen each other a couple times. There is great chemistry but he doesn't really have much experience. He says all the things I love to hear, things that make a subs heart race but then it feels sometimes likes the ball is dropped and I have to pick it up. My question is this, we seem very compatible but should I be staying away from this sort of situation until he has more experience or something? Not sure how this works. Sorry but as a sub, if you felt you really wanted to submit to a dom but worried that he couldn't really fufill you would you stick around? Can you both grow into your roles or is it imperative that the dom be the more experienced one showing the ropes as it were?

Post #: 1

RE: new and confused with dom/sub dynamic - 2/2/2010 2:59:45 AM

FelineFae

Posts: 7756
Joined: 1/23/2009
From: i do wander everywhere...
Status: offline

Trust is a major part of this.
Do you trust in his ability? Be honest with yourself.
If the answer is "no", don't worry.
If you are both patient enough to start slow and safe, go to a few munches and events together, research on, and communicate communicate communicate,,, something wonderful might just develope...

Hope this can help- fae

_____________________________

FelineFae
All right reserved by Chaos
: Disclaimer :
Do not expose FelineFae to direct sunlight.
FelineFae cannot spell in any language.
Granting of Fae-Wishes VOID where prohibitededed.
Individual results may vary.

(in reply to Asher9624)

Post #: 2

RE: new and confused with dom/sub dynamic - 2/2/2010 4:27:44 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Experience at what? The Man is experienced at much rope work but has none with suspension. I'm not planning on kicking him to the curb because he needs to take his time and learn about it.

Nobody was born with a flogger in their hand.

Both of you need to learn about safety in the things you do. But most of it is not rocket science. Especially when you're new, you won't be doing anything that extreme for years yet.

So buy some books, go to some workshops, go to public parties and learn how to do the more difficult things.
But you can find a competent top most nights at any public bdsm venue. Finding a compatible partner is the hard part.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to FelineFae)

Post #: 3

RE: new and confused with dom/sub dynamic - 2/2/2010 4:54:04 AM

osf

Posts: 3288
Joined: 10/19/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Asher9624

I am really new to all of this and not sure what to do with the situation I find myself in. I met a dom a couple weeks ago and we have been chatting and have seen each other a couple times. There is great chemistry but he doesn't really have much experience. He says all the things I love to hear, things that make a subs heart race but then it feels sometimes likes the ball is dropped and I have to pick it up. My question is this, we seem very compatible but should I be staying away from this sort of situation until he has more experience or something? Not sure how this works. Sorry but as a sub, if you felt you really wanted to submit to a dom but worried that he couldn't really fufill you would you stick around? Can you both grow into your roles or is it imperative that the dom be the more experienced one showing the ropes as it were?

he seems to be experienced at being a man you seem to enjoy , now if your talking about play type experience, well, there are munches and such for that

_____________________________

all around nice guy and creative misogynist

i'm not very skilled so i just hit harder

i want a woman to make into the woman she never wanted to become

(in reply to Asher9624)

Post #: 4

RE: new and confused with dom/sub dynamic - 2/2/2010 6:37:13 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Both of you are new.

You say you have great chemistry. That's way more important than anything else. So explore together and GET the experience. That's not to say that he should break out the single tail and do breath play right away.

See if there's a local group that has seminars and workshops. Learn together.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to osf)

Post #: 5

RE: new and confused with dom/sub dynamic - 2/2/2010 7:26:52 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

He says all the things I love to hear, things that make a subs heart race but then it feels sometimes likes the ball is dropped and I have to pick it up

Be honest with him, express why it is you feel that way, and try to find a balance...

.

quote:

My question is this, we seem very compatible but should I be staying away from this sort of situation until he has more experience or something?

If it is physical play he should be finding ways to learn that without experimenting on your body. If I were the sub involved I would want to know the ways in which he was learning. If you are talking about mental stuff, I would again communicate.

quote:

orry but as a sub, if you felt you really wanted to submit to a dom but worried that he couldn't really fufill you would you stick around?

My answer has nothing to do with you nor your needs, but I would stick around if I cared for the person and enjoyed their company because for me D/s is an extension of the relationship. That may not be the case for you.

quote:

Can you both grow into your roles or is it imperative that the dom be the more experienced one showing the ropes as it were?

It works the way it works for you. Of course some people cannot handle being more experienced than their dom, and for others it is the experience of growing together that attracts them to this in the first place.. it is all about what you need, not what is possible for others

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 2/2/2010 7:28:34 AM >

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to Asher9624)

Post #: 6

RE: new and confused with dom/sub dynamic - 2/2/2010 8:01:56 AM

jstkrs

Posts: 61
Joined: 1/23/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven
Both of you are new.
You say you have great chemistry. That's way more important than anything else. So explore together and GET the experience. That's not to say that he should break out the single tail and do breath play right away.
See if there's a local group that has seminars and workshops. Learn together.

What he said and communicate, communicate,communicate.

quote:

Nobody was born with a flogger in their hand.

Sometimes I think my Master was. LOL

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 7

RE: new and confused with dom/sub dynamic - 2/2/2010 9:21:23 AM

Asher9624

Posts: 6
Joined: 2/2/2010
Status: offline

Fantastic, thanks everyone. I have only talked to a couple other doms and they were very much of the opinion that a new sub should never be with a new or somewhat inexperienced dom. That always seemed weird to me since, how do you get any experience if no one will work with you? But I thought maybe it was just some intrinsic thing I was missing because I didnt know enough about the whole process.

(in reply to jstkrs)

Post #: 8

RE: new and confused with dom/sub dynamic - 2/2/2010 9:24:14 AM

EbonyWood

Posts: 2044
Joined: 7/8/2005
Status: offline

There are no universal rules, ony truths.

(in reply to Asher9624)

Post #: 9

RE: new and confused with dom/sub dynamic - 2/2/2010 9:26:33 AM

HisSweetElysium

Posts: 600
Joined: 11/12/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Asher9624

Fantastic, thanks everyone. I have only talked to a couple other doms and they were very much of the opinion that a new sub should never be with a new or somewhat inexperienced dom. That always seemed weird to me since, how do you get any experience if no one will work with you? But I thought maybe it was just some intrinsic thing I was missing because I didnt know enough about the whole process.

seems like an opportune moment for ulterior motives to me

.

In all seriousness though, I have known some more experienced couples who are happy to work with inexperienced couples, you may be able to find something like that, to build confidence on both sides through mentorship.

_____________________________

“This is love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment. First to let go of life. Finally, to take a step without feet.” Rumi

(in reply to Asher9624)

Post #: 10

RE: new and confused with dom/sub dynamic - 2/2/2010 12:24:49 PM

lally2

Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline

the thing is that alot of people have approached their Ds relationships a little slow and its gradually grown. youre not new to relationships and neither is he, just let it build. if he's a little uncertain of his control over you then just encourage him with youre submission. so long as you know youre both heading toward the same goal you should get there. in the end, whats the hurry, just enjoy.

when people talk about experience they are usually talking about play, where to aim, where not to aim, pragmatic stuff and nothing that you cant research here or anywhere else on the web. or as others have said, go to parties and clubs. munches are good places to go for contacts and advice.

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to HisSweetElysium)

Post #: 11

RE: new and confused with dom/sub dynamic - 2/2/2010 12:34:55 PM

JBGolden

Posts: 75
Joined: 11/13/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Asher9624

Fantastic, thanks everyone. I have only talked to a couple other doms and they were very much of the opinion that a new sub should never be with a new or somewhat inexperienced dom. That always seemed weird to me since, how do you get any experience if no one will work with you? But I thought maybe it was just some intrinsic thing I was missing because I didnt know enough about the whole process.

I myself would wonder if those Doms gave you that advice because they really thought it was better for you or because they'd rather you go with *them*.

You've already gotten good advice here. If you really do like him then maybe learning and exploring together will work out.

(in reply to Asher9624)

Post #: 12

RE: new and confused with dom/sub dynamic - 2/2/2010 12:36:43 PM

winterrose77

Posts: 114
Joined: 1/8/2010
Status: offline

Go to a few munches and maybe a few play parties together as a vanilla couple and discuss everything you see, what you think, feel, like, and dislike. Make a LOT of friends doing this. XD Once you find a couple you really trust and admire, ask them to mentor you as a couple; the Dom teaching your Dom techniques and such, the sub helping you learn how best to do what we do. :) It doesn't need to be a practical mentoring, either; just a couple nights a week of meeting for dinner and discussing tips and tricks and such can be a monumental help in both of your educations.

This is all just what I think, not what I know from experience. Harford County has ZERO munches, so my Lord and I are pretty much lonely and stuck in our beginner-intermediate stages. That's okay though. <3 Good luck!

(in reply to lally2)

Post #: 13

RE: new and confused with dom/sub dynamic - 2/2/2010 5:17:30 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Asher9624

I have only talked to a couple other doms and they were very much of the opinion that a new sub should never be with a new or somewhat inexperienced dom.

And if I told you that an inexperienced sub should only be with Jewish Doms who were 5'9" and lived in Colorado, would you listen to me?

Like HSE stated, be wary of ulterior motives. Not all Doms' motives are as pure as mine...

And I really AM a 5'9" Jewish Dom in Colorado, coincidentally.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Asher9624)

Post #: 14

RE: new and confused with dom/sub dynamic - 2/2/2010 5:47:04 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

Do you like him??

Date, get to know each other.

Why sweat the small stuff??

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 15

RE: new and confused with dom/sub dynamic - 2/2/2010 8:42:07 PM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Asher9624

Fantastic, thanks everyone. I have only talked to a couple other doms and they were very much of the opinion that a new sub should never be with a new or somewhat inexperienced dom. That always seemed weird to me since, how do you get any experience if no one will work with you? But I thought maybe it was just some intrinsic thing I was missing because I didnt know enough about the whole process.

I haven't finished the whole thread, so sorry if someone already said this...

Of course they are going to say that, they want you to choose them!

Whether you go with inexperienced or experienced is something only you can decide. But finding someone you are compatible with and get along well with is NOT always easy to find. Since you are both new to this, you are both just learning your likes and dislikes and how to make it all work. You aren't trying to change a vanilla guy into a dominant guy, so you are already a step ahead. So what if he sometimes drops the ball? Dominants are just guys, they aren't perfect.

As long as you both remember when trying new things to research it thoroughly and get instruction and help to make sure you are being safe, I wouldn't worry about his "newness."

(in reply to Asher9624)

Post #: 16

RE: new and confused with dom/sub dynamic - 2/2/2010 8:52:19 PM

stella41b

Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline

You are both individuals and the only experience that counts is what experience you have with each other. Previous experience is irrelevant, because whenever you start a new relationship you start in the same place - at the beginning.

_____________________________

CM's Resident Lyricist
also Facebook
http://stella.baker.tripod.com/
50NZpoints
Q2
Simply Q

(in reply to LafayetteLady)

Post #: 17

RE: new and confused with dom/sub dynamic - 2/2/2010 9:43:40 PM

Kana

Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline

Hell, learn together.
I had a slave teach me how to be a dominant. She had been a full service slave for 4 years. I had 4 years of fantasies. Thank God she didn't judge me by my lack of experience.
Go to munches, go to workshops, pick the brains of others, read, but most of all do-explore each other, explore fantasies, wander down those dark and devious roads hand in hand. Begin light, then move on. Ask for help, don't let him get hung up on his ego.
We were all new once and all of us remain new to some form or the other of kink.
I fall short in lots of categories. I'm not so hot with ropes, but great with impact play. I haven't bullwhipped a chick in over a decade, but am at the top o'my game when it comes to mental bondage.
There is an ebb and flow. The key is to always be learning, always accept that there is more to know, new ways to do things. Socrates defined wisdom as knowing that he knew nothing. That idea is applicable here.

< Message edited by Kana -- 2/2/2010 10:05:43 PM >

(in reply to stella41b)

Post #: 18

RE: new and confused with dom/sub dynamic - 2/2/2010 10:35:50 PM

Asher9624

Posts: 6
Joined: 2/2/2010
Status: offline

Wow, I am shocked by the all the people who said those doms wanted me to "pick them" or "go with them." That just seems REALLY dishonorable. Like shockingly dishonorable to me. Thank you for the heads up not to necessarily think they had my interests at heart. I guess I thought that people with as many years in this lifestyle as they had would have been totally upfront with someone new wanting to ask questions. And thank you for the responses because they made me feel much better and I can't wait to throw myself into this and explore!

(in reply to Kana)

Post #: 19

RE: new and confused with dom/sub dynamic - 2/2/2010 10:39:53 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

Like shockingly dishonorable to me.

I would not call it "shockingly" dishonorable... I would call it the garden variety of dishonorable... you know, all is fair in love and war and in scoring a novice submissive

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to Asher9624)

Post #: 20

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> new and confused with dom/sub dynamic

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.219