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Telling Vanilla Friends About Your Orientation - 2/5/2010 7:04:35 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		I know this has been done before, but I am thinking it has been a while, and I have this situation arising in my life...


I have not told any of my vanilla friends about what it is that I do in my sex life or my romantic one. I have told my sister, but no one else in my family. I have recently changed this policy...I told one of my fellow grad students about WIITWD

She is the same age as myself, and we chat about sex often, but the reason I told her is because she is interested in human sexuality as a research topic, and she asked me questions about my sex life. I think she got more of an answer than she expected! So anyways, she is coming over to help me get my apartment ready for a party I am throwing tonight, and I decided to share my profiles on CM and fetlife with her so she can look through both communities to get ideas for her research (she isn't interested in internet communities, so she isn't going to use anything she finds here for her own research, and it would be unethical to get information without informed consent).

Have any of you ever shared that much info with your vanilla friends? Hopefully I put this in the right forum because the rules for where things should be posted have changed a lot since I went away for a while.


_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Telling Vanilla Friends About Your Orientation - 2/5/2010 7:24:57 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline 		this slave has friends involved in conventional/vanilla relationships.

they all know this slave is submissive, as in personality---not just with regards to intimate romantic relationships or sexual activity---so it really isn't that big of a stretch or a suprise when they find out that's how she rolls in the intimate relationship/sexual activity aspect of her life.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Telling Vanilla Friends About Your Orientation - 2/5/2010 7:25:35 AM   
MissDiandSirHugh


Posts: 1158
Joined: 8/11/2005
From: Goondiwindi ( Qld )
Status: offline 		Some of Our vanilla friends know part of the things We enjoy doing but not all of them as We know how much they can be told and remain friends.
Those who we told are not interested in any of it but also did not shake their heads and turn away from Us in disgust but each one said good for you and hope We enjoy all of it.

_____________________________

HoRoo for now from Us both and enjoy all you read even if you don"t agree with us or others.
Knowledge is no Burden to Carry

(in reply to juliaoceania)
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RE: Telling Vanilla Friends About Your Orientation - 2/5/2010 7:30:12 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

Those who we told are not interested in any of it but also did not shake their heads and turn away from Us in disgust but each one said good for you and hope We enjoy all of it.


I suppose because we are social scientists this might explain the fact she finds it fascinating...


_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to MissDiandSirHugh)
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RE: Telling Vanilla Friends About Your Orientation - 2/5/2010 7:45:35 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

this slave has friends involved in conventional/vanilla relationships.

they all know this slave is submissive, as in personality---not just with regards to intimate romantic relationships or sexual activity---so it really isn't that big of a stretch or a suprise when they find out that's how she rolls in the intimate relationship/sexual activity aspect of her life.


I do not have an overabundance of vanilla friends...  I keep my acquaintances many, my friendships few.  At the same time my career would not suffer for my submissiveness... in fact in my career it would make me more interesting to know..


_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Telling Vanilla Friends About Your Orientation - 2/5/2010 9:25:32 AM   
jstkrs


Posts: 61
Joined: 1/23/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

Have any of you ever shared that much info with your vanilla friends?

Two of my friends know, but only one of them knows the details.
She calls herself a 'student of the human condition',so on an academic level it all fascinates her, but because she was the victim of horrific spousal abuse it horrified her at first glance. I have had to explain much more than I think she really wanted to hear because she needed to hear that I was in a safe and loving relationship. She had severe misconceptions of WIIWD and why. She could not see how a relationship like 'that' could cause the positive changes in me that it has in the last two years.
Trying to explain total submission to someone who doesn't understand it is like explaining to someone why I love liver. I just do, it's part of who I am. 
In my most recent discussion with her I had to explain the difference between the type of sick non-consensual sadism her ex practiced and our brand of sexual sadism. I helped her see how it could be a loving act and while Master intends to hurt he never intends to harm. As a masochist I explained what I got from it and attempted to explain what the sadist got out of it. She doesn't quite understand the allure but she sees where her misconceptions were wrong.


_____________________________

bondm1's happy slave

I said, "I know you won't break your toys."
He answered, "No, but I might bend it a little."

I would rather be hated for who I am then loved for who I am not.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
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RE: Telling Vanilla Friends About Your Orientation - 2/5/2010 9:28:27 AM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		Be very careful who you share with. Some people will think it's cool and/or interesting, others will think you are a sick pervert and never be able to respect you again.

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com


(in reply to jstkrs)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Telling Vanilla Friends About Your Orientation - 2/5/2010 9:29:46 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		I don't find it necessary broadcast my sex life or my interests to people other than who I get involved with.

I certainly would never dream of discussing this with colleagues at a job; far too many people's livelihoods could be compromised.

Unless you run a BDSM club, I see no compelling reason to discuss it unless your vanilla friends ask and even then, I just casually say, Oh, you really do not want to know what I do...believe me and they shut up.

(in reply to jstkrs)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Telling Vanilla Friends About Your Orientation - 2/5/2010 10:04:38 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		I don't have many friends, full stop. ....but any I do have, know what type of relationship I have because it'd be hard to miss. I can't say that I've actually *told* them, but if anyone spends any time around here, it's very clear.....and they ask questions.

No-one's asked about sex though , they've always been far more interested in the more far reaching everyday aspects........and I don't offer it either.
The D/s aspect has always been the interesting thing. Sex is , well.......... don't we all fuck? Boring.

agirl





agirl







(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Telling Vanilla Friends About Your Orientation - 2/5/2010 10:07:41 AM   
AnimusRex


Posts: 2165
Joined: 5/13/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx
...others will think you are a sick pervert and never be able to respect you again.


And some might think you are a sick pervert and respect you even more. snicker.

I haven't shared that much detail only because my friends don't get into that level of intimacy.

I would say the biggest caution involves work and family; if one has minor children, custody can be endangered, and few workplaces are tolerant of people with unusual lifestyles.

(in reply to xxblushesxx)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Telling Vanilla Friends About Your Orientation - 2/5/2010 10:15:29 AM   
Lucienne


Posts: 1175
Joined: 9/5/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

I don't find it necessary broadcast my sex life or my interests to people other than who I get involved with.

...

Oh, you really do not want to know what I do...believe me and they shut up


I'm kind of like this, too. Except more extreme. I was with a man for years and wouldn't even refer to him as my boyfriend. I'm kind of notorious among my friends for not sharing much about the exact nature of my relations with men. I rarely share that I'm having sex with a guy, forget filling in the details about what kind of sex I'm having. I have three friends who are aware of my current set up. One, because when I started meeting people from this site I needed someone to pass along information to the police should bad things happen to me. The second, because he's dating the first and he pulled the "people in serious relationships don't keep secrets from each other" card and he knows me well enough to know I'm up to something. I don't mind him knowing, he's actually a better friend to me than the girl. But I knew it would worry him. And it does. Not really the bdsm aspect, as much as the meeting people from the internet aspect.  The third is just a good girl friend who, when I'm in that rare mood to discuss intimate relations, I usually turn to. She got a big kick out of it, was not remotely surprised and just likes to see me happy.


The weird thing is that I actually love having frank sexual discussions. But I don't really want to know the most intimate details of my friend's lives and I assume they don't want to know mine. Which is why I love the internet! I can get my "let's talk about sex" itch scratched here.

I know I put this in terms of sex, and the question was phrased as "orientation," but because I don't generally run around behaving in ways that announce my heterosexuality, the more detailed aspects are, naturally, even more obscure. I've had people assume I was a lesbian simply because I don't talk about boyfriends, dates and such. Which is funny. Because I'm unaware of any lesbians thinking I was a lesbian. Just straight, presumably vanilla, people who can't quite process a woman who prefers not to broadcast her relationship status as part of her identity.




(in reply to sexyred1)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Telling Vanilla Friends About Your Orientation - 2/5/2010 10:32:51 AM   
pompeii


Posts: 934
Joined: 1/4/2007
From: Silicon Valley, San Jose, California
Status: offline 		If my immediate family, Catholics and feminists all, were to know how I "treated" a woman behind closed bedroom doors, they'd crucify me.

Likewise, my friends are all "professional" friends, and, well, probably only one or two could I ever trust with my "secret" ... and even then, I had to pull my picture because I was recognized by a wafer.

(in reply to Lucienne)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Telling Vanilla Friends About Your Orientation - 2/5/2010 10:33:45 AM   
RumpusParable


Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline 		I'm very "out" to all friends and all but one family member... largely because I'm not one for who this is my "sex life" but rather it's part of my everyday life outside the bedroom.  I've never had anyone react badly to knowing, everyone has been either interested (usually because they are into it, too, to some extent) or very accepting and neutral about it... and, then, later, curious to talk about it. 

I've never actually met a "vanilla" person in any of my friends, co-workers or other acquaintances.... I've only met those I don't know one way or the other about because they didn't discuss such things at all.

I let it just come up in regular conversation, like anything, neither hiding nor drawing special attention to it.

_____________________________

Relationships come and go, but plastination is forever.

I generally use fast-reply. If directing my post at someone specific I will indicate so.

Minimal summary: Artist, Disabled Veteran, Vegan, Pornographer, and Agender dominant female.

(in reply to sexyred1)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Telling Vanilla Friends About Your Orientation - 2/5/2010 10:46:36 AM   
shatteredmelody


Posts: 16
Joined: 1/23/2010
From: somewhere, NC
Status: offline 		A few of my vanilla friends know about me. They are just like 'oh ok, whatever floats your boat.' Sometimes they'll ask me how the lifestyle is going, lol.

(in reply to RumpusParable)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Telling Vanilla Friends About Your Orientation - 2/5/2010 11:14:55 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

others will think you are a sick pervert and never be able to respect you again.
They wouldn't "respect" you being happy in a gratifying, perhaps loving relationship? Fuck 'em!

I'd benefit from knowing that "others" based their friendship or association on their version of morality. My "orientation" invalidates our friendship? Why are they upset about what I do with my intimate partner? My friendships aren't based upon compatible sexual interests. They are going to lose respect of me, or us, because they had that requirement? Well damn I'm glad I told them and they had that reaction because whether they respected me or not, I would not welcome their company from that point forward anymore than I would any judgmental and prejudicial, individual.

I'd be bothered and concerned about myself wondering why I didn't see the person as the bigot they were in the first place. I'd wonder who else they hated for similarly irrelevant facets of their life yet undisclosed.

I can't tell you how liberating it is to not have any concern about who knows what about either one of us. We use the same effort in hiding who we are as we do exposing who we are - none. Vanilla, chocolate, or rocky road, we are who we are; appropriately representing the venue and environment we find ourself. We answer any question anyone asks about us, relatives or friends. We only add a this disclaimer - Don't ask a question for an answer you really don't want to know.

(in reply to xxblushesxx)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Telling Vanilla Friends About Your Orientation - 2/5/2010 11:44:22 AM   
winterrose77


Posts: 114
Joined: 1/8/2010
Status: offline 		My best girlfriend, the couple that my Lord and I hang out with most often, and my Lord's father all know about it, but nobody else. 

His father only found out because he tried to put my purple leather o-ring collar on the dog the other day when the ring on his own collar snapped off.  *facepalm*  Master had to snatch it away from him and growled, "That's not for the dog."  I just about died. 

All in all he took it very, very well and basically said "Hey, if that's what keeps the two of you happy and it's the relationship you want, I'm your number one fan."  He's a great guy.  He did tell us never to leave that collar, or the matching cuffs (which he was also highly confused by, thinking "No way would THOSE fit on the dog's neck") lying around in Master's room, though.  x'3

That was probably the most embarrassing day of my life.


_____________________________

~Rose~

"I'm sick of just liking people. I wish to God I could meet somebody I could respect."
-J. D. Salinger

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Telling Vanilla Friends About Your Orientation - 2/5/2010 12:03:28 PM   
Phoenixpower


Posts: 8098
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx

Be very careful who you share with. Some people will think it's cool and/or interesting, others will think you are a sick pervert and never be able to respect you again.


Very well said blushes, but quite frankly the oens who aren't able to respect that simply show then in my view that I am better off without them.

Most people in my life - the ones in the UK - know that I am on here and know what I am up to...at uni we have regular our laughs as there we are always the same 4 people sitting together, with a few more coming to us to chat...and whilst those others don't know that side of me....I am sure at times they do wonder why we laugh as badly as we do...simply because due to the guy in our 4-people-group and due to me...it gets easily saucy and one of us is quite naive in that respect...she has two kids and is divorced, just sexually she is one of those people who was glad once the sex was over as she had her 2 desired kids and so she could get rid of her partner again...so she sometimes blushes a lot when that guy and I start to make little smart comments which bring us to huge laughter...
they also know a lot about my current date and know previous bad dates...and I love them for bits in that respect...though that being said, personally I wish that one lady from that 4-group would have kept the profile a bit lower as then it would have never flared up as much as it does now...but never mind, I learned to better go with the flow then to deny it...once she spilled a bit too much the beans...

recently after my first subspace caused from my C-Dom I was the happiest bunny ever in the UK for about 3 days or so afterwards...and so at Uni she did see some pics from my mobile phone and she realised I really loved it...and she said "You REALLY did enjoy it.... you are sicker then I ever thought!!!" (but she did not mean it in a negative way...just with dark humour.) But hey we had a laugh :o)

Apart from that I recently pretty much chucked out 2 of my so called friends...one of them yes...has seen this master and slave thing as sick...and her comments "nobody can own anyone" did show she is far too closed minded to get it...the fact then that one meeting went wrong big time just confirmed it to her and she condemned internet dating in general (not just in that respect)....well, I reminded her what fools I met outside of internet, to show here there is no difference, you can meet idiots anywhere...however, in the longterm her closed mind got too much for me and so I decided not to bother about her anymore...because whats the point when she keeps talking 1hour plus on the phone about the job and then when you dare to say something about your new involvement she isn't interested to talk...well...quite frankly I have no interest to talk about work once I am at home...and when she can't tolerate it after I listned to her every time then its best to go seperate ways.

And another one is pretty much done now as well, she in general cant stand that I do have different views to her and do stand my ground for it...so she basically tries to get her views forced onto me (about other topics as well, e.g. for me my cats are my pets, whereas she kept trying to treat my cats like little humans...which is not gonna to happen) and I can't stand it when people cant tolerate it when people have different views about aspects of life.

So yes, some might struggle to respect you again, but at least it shows their true colours and I dont want friends who can't respect me how I am. If I have to pretend to be someone whom I am not...then they are not friends in my opinion...

On the plus side I have one particular friend from Germany who is awesome in that point....that being said, a different previous colleague from us "broke her into it" with telling her a lot about it, so it was not new for her anymore once I disclosed aspects of it...but she is awesome in that respect and I love her to bits for it...





< Message edited by Phoenixpower -- 2/5/2010 12:11:28 PM >

_____________________________

RIP 08-09-07

The PAST is history, the FUTURE a mystery, NOW is a gift - that's why it's called the PRESENT

www.butyoudontlooksick.com/navigation/BYDLS-TheSpoonTheory.pdf

(in reply to xxblushesxx)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Telling Vanilla Friends About Your Orientation - 2/5/2010 12:11:07 PM   
servilecat


Posts: 126
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline 		Speaking as a cradle Catholic....really, how different is it?  Men are the instructors and head of household.  One couple from our church knows or rather he knows and I assume he told his wife.  We spend a great deal of time with them at church events and since we are monogamous it's really just a matter of The man is the head of household and ...what ever floats His boat...Hunter's sister knows, one of my sisters knows I'm insatiable and strange but I would never go into detail to her (she's megga Donna Reed status)  I know several ministers in the life style...funny though, most are Methodist or Presbyterian :)

Some people are right.  There are those vanillas in scientific mode and those that think it's amazing and cool but those can also be the same ones that put your name and lifestyle out in the public and job at jeopardy.   If anyone came across my St Andrews cross or massive amounts of implements I would just say "Safe, sane, consensual and it floats my boat" deal with it....

(in reply to winterrose77)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Telling Vanilla Friends About Your Orientation - 2/5/2010 12:41:20 PM   
Arpig


Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline 		No I haven't, not out of any particular desire for secrecy, I just rarely discuss sex lives with my friends.

_____________________________

Big man! Pig Man!
Ha Ha...Charade you are!

Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

CM's #1 All-Time Also-Ran


(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Telling Vanilla Friends About Your Orientation - 2/5/2010 12:53:51 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx

Be very careful who you share with. Some people will think it's cool and/or interesting, others will think you are a sick pervert and never be able to respect you again.


I could care less who thinks I am a sick pervert... really. I do not want to expose people with TMI that they did not ask for... she asked a series of questions and she got an answer... she volunteered to know. The only person I would have trouble finding out about me is my grown son, and maybe one day I would not even care if he knew. His opinion of me is the only opinion that truly matters...

On the other hand the person I am seeing does not share that view. He DOES have professional concerns with this information, and I have no trouble keeping my life under wraps for his sake.


_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to xxblushesxx)
Profile   Post #: 20
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