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RE: A question of position: - 2/8/2010 5:16:16 AM

CarrieO

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quote:

ORIGINAL: OnlyMaster4u

My question is simple have any subs/slaves either had an honest change of heart after starting a relationship, or purposely misrepresented yourself to get involved in the relationship only to say later that you may not be sub anymore?

I no longer identify as a submissive...switch fits me much better (dominant-leaning with bottom tendancies to be precise). I went through my share of D/s based relationships to discover this. Was I misrepresenting myself....or, was I growing into who I am versus who I used to be.

One person may grow stronger and deeper over time into their submission and another may grow completely away from it. Neither is being deceptive by saying they were submissive at the start. If their partner is unable to accept...or guide...this evolution, then I think the larger concern is what was more important within the relationship from the start...the label and the ideal image it implies or the person being labeled.

People grow/evolve/change over time...for better or worse, it happens. Just ask Professor Higgins.

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RE: A question of position: - 2/8/2010 6:55:16 AM

Elisabella

Posts: 3939
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quote:

ORIGINAL: OnlyMaster4u

My question is simple have any subs/slaves either had an honest change of heart after starting a relationship, or purposely misrepresented yourself to get involved in the relationship only to say later that you may not be sub anymore?

I have never purposely misrepresented myself, but way back when I met my husband I thought that I was a lot more submissive than I actually am. Some fantasies can seem almost overwhelming until they're acted out, and that's when you realize that it's not really an "everyday" sort of thing.

Also some things might seem nice in theory, but when it comes to actually living it, won't work out at all. When I met my husband I thought I wanted to be 'owned' but we both soon discovered I could never be happy like that. It did cause a bit of tension in the beginning, because we entered the relationship in one dynamic and the shift to a different one could be comparable to plate tectonics :P But fortunately for us, we each loved the *other person* more than the *role* and we're able to work things out.

That, and I've told him it would be totally hot if one day he got an actual "slave" girl who would be everything I thought I was to start with, as well as all the stuff I said hell no to even at the beginning. I don't know if he'll ever take me up on the offer but regardless I don't want the fact that he's committed to me to mean that he has to give up a lot of his kinks.

But back to the question, I don't think it's necessarily misrepresentation if a woman believes she's more submissive than she really is, especially if she's not that experienced in that type of relationship. And also, "submissive" means different things to different people. To some women, submissive means never saying no, to others, it means never saying no just to xyz, for others, it's submissive-til-safeword, for others, it's saying "sir" and "master" and feeling they occupy a lower status, for others, it's bedroom roleplay, to some it's a kink thing, to others it's a service thing, to others it's a devotion thing, to others it's a gender role thing, etc.

I think if you picked two random submissive women on this board and dropped each of them in the other's house, they'd both walk away feeling like the other was either "not submissive enough" or else "more of a slave than a submissive" because the word encompasses so much. So maybe the woman really is just as submissive as she said she was, only you didn't find out exactly what that meant.

< Message edited by Elisabella -- 2/8/2010 6:56:04 AM >

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RE: A question of position: - 2/8/2010 9:25:11 AM

jujubeeMB

Posts: 723
Joined: 1/8/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: OnlyMaster4u

quote:

What would be the point of someone misrepresenting themselves to get into a relationship? They wouldn't be getting any pleasure out of it, presumably, since they wouldn't actually be submissive. So where would the gain be for that person?

I think it's much more likely that you're asking this question because you have a specific view of what a submissive should be (just checked out your profile), became involved with someone who didn't fit that mold, and she grew insecure about her lack of ability to fit what you wanted. That doesn't make what you want in a sub inappropriate, and it doesn't make her not submissive. Everyone is unique - her submissiveness may need to be strictly sexual, or within the confines of a prearranged list of limits and safewords. Wanting something different than your definition of a submissive may have confused her a bit, and caused her to doubt herself.

Of course, she may also have just discovered that she isn't submissive, but either way, misrepresentation isn't the issue.

I wanted to let you know that my profile is more to the point of what I feel (and I stress I) a women should be not just a submissive. I know everyone is different and that is wonderful but there are some very dishonest people out there as I am sure you know and they will do and say most anything to get what they want.

I just wanted to see how strongly others felt about this.

My point is more about changing the way you look at the situation. Since you're never gotten the information about why the woman who you were with changed her mind, for your own sake and hers, assume that she didn't do it to be dishonest. If she said those exact words: "I did it as a means to an end," then perhaps she was already doubting herself as a submissive when she entered into things with you, but she liked you and wanted to see if she really had reason to doubt. Ending it two months into it is, in my opinion, very decent of her. A lot of people are afraid to end relationships - that they know aren't right - for years. She was doing you and herself a favor, being smart enough to figure herself out quickly. If you're annoyed about her wasting your time, you're in good company with almost every person in the world - we've all dated someone who turned out not to be right for us, and the discovery of that can come at any time.

I really don't see how misrepresentation could have come into it, because even if she was seriously doubting that she was submissive, she was taking a chance and seeing if that was true. I'm assuming you had some great sex and at least a few nice moments, so be happy that you had the experience and move onto the next.

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RE: A question of position: - 2/8/2010 10:03:16 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
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quote:

ORIGINAL: OnlyMaster4u

My question is simple have any subs/slaves either had an honest change of heart after starting a relationship, or purposely misrepresented yourself to get involved in the relationship only to say later that you may not be sub anymore?

no. but before this slave was aware that there are folks out there that actually base relationships on the D/s dynamic, she misrepresented herself as one who was interested in a conventional (vanilla) relationship...because she thought that's all there was.

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RE: A question of position: - 2/8/2010 10:41:40 AM

sblady

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I'd never intentionally misrepresent myself for a relationship. That being said, I'd always been somewhat submissive in my non D/s relationships. So, when I came across D/s and M/s, of course I immediately identified as submissive (Switch didn't come across my radar until much later). Well, I've found that being submissive with someone that identified with being (a) Dominant can be a bit different. I wasn't necessarily submissive as defined by others, however, Switch isn't an accurate description either. Thankfully, Sir isn't hung up on labels.

Recently, a new friend (also submissive) asked if I felt I was closer to slave or submissive. I told him he'd have to ask Sir, because I'm sure the answer would be Switch. Although, that was a joke, I decided to ask Sir if I appeared more submissive now than when we first met (2 1/2 years ago). His response; "That's difficult to gauge, though you are more comfortable with your submissiveness". Classic answer. Kinda like; does my ass look big in these jeans?

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RE: A question of position: - 2/8/2010 1:28:53 PM

Futuresocks

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quote:

ORIGINAL: OnlyMaster4u

My question is simple have any subs/slaves either had an honest change of heart after starting a relationship, or purposely misrepresented yourself to get involved in the relationship only to say later that you may not be sub anymore?

Neither. Fortunately, I know myself. I could never dom. I know that, and when I enter a relationship, hard as it may be, I have learned that there is no fear in being yourself and who you are. But I suppose with most people who create these problems, it is because they didn't know themselves...and/or didn't know how or feel confident that things would work out as themselves and began to put on a facade to just make things work.

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RE: A question of position: - 2/8/2010 1:46:22 PM

littleone35

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I have nerer misrepresented myself. Who i am online is who i am in real life. Take it or leave it this is who i am.

Matt's littleone

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RE: A question of position: - 2/8/2010 3:45:13 PM

OnlyMaster4u

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Joined: 12/11/2005
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She did not end it or start the conversation, I did both. I do see were your coming from and I wish this was a better situation or person but it wasnt.

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