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Consideration? - 3/27/2006 1:14:37 AM

RavenMuse

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This stems from a rather sweet young lady calling me considerate for the way I handled the first meeting between us, it was a bit of a surprize because I didn't think I was doing anything out of the ordinary. IMO the Dom has certain responcibilitys and I simply took them on like I do with anything that I see as my business.

Usualy if one out of a Dom or sub is going to be the nervious one, it is, in my experience, the sub.... Personaly I don't get nervious about such things and even if I was then, as a Dom I expect myself to be able to set those nerves asside and get on with what needs doing.

Knowing that she was nervious about the first meeting, I made sure I chose an appropriate meeting place. Somewhere I felt comfortable with but that I knew she would like also. Somewhere busy and public (Ergo, safe), comfortable, music not to loud so we could talk easily and given we where going to be drinking, somewhere that also did food (Drinking on an empty stomach isn't a good idea and she was coming straight from work). I turned up early and made sure I texted her a few times as she travelled in on the train so she knew I was there and I could help settle her nerves a bit even before she arrived.

Now from MY perspective I didn't do that much. I knew I'd have a much more enjoyable evening if I settled her nerves early on.... so thats what I did and as a consiquence we both had a great time.

Given her comments about the consideration involved being a rare thing.... my question is this...

Are most Dom/mes so socialy inept that such things REALLY are that rare? I know there are several on the board who I doubt would have acted much diffrently than I did. IB of course, MH, MoGa, Phoenix, Gage and even I suspect KoM.... but in general, out there in the real world, is the standard really so low that such actions are seen as rare?

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

Post #: 1

RE: Consideration? - 3/27/2006 1:28:27 AM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

quote:

Are most Dom/mes so socialy inept that such things REALLY are that rare?

Most of the Dominants whom I've met, I met through r/t venues, so it's hard to say, because I'm attracted to a certain sort of person, so for me, I haven't run across a lot of people who were socially inept or lacking in the finer social graces. I dare say, those few who struck me as less than considerate, I, frankly, had little or nothing to do with them. It's rather sad that your new friend has had such a hard time meeting people who are considerate.. so I'm glad she found you and wish you all luck and happiness with your new found friendship.. or more if it works out that way.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to RavenMuse)

Post #: 2

RE: Consideration? - 3/27/2006 1:39:19 AM

CanadianGuy

Posts: 219
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quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

Are most Dom/mes so socialy inept that such things REALLY are that rare? ... out there in the real world, is the standard really so low that such actions are seen as rare?

I don't think what you did is very unusual - most decent people (let alone dominants) would be wise to settle an edgy new contact (let alone new submissive contact) with a bit of moral support. Perhaps she was simply paying you a compliment. I don't think it's very strange for someone to thank someone else for being "considerate". I'm sure you've had plenty such compliments before.

Maybe the question isn't "are most dominants so socially inept that they aren't considerate?", but "are most submissive so socially inept that you've never been thanked for showing consideration?"

:)

(in reply to RavenMuse)

Post #: 3

RE: Consideration? - 3/27/2006 2:19:21 AM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

From my perspective I prefer to just be myself but not too over the top with teasing. I'm usually meatingpeople regarding Paganism etc but effectively it is a similar situation.I've usually warned thm that I will me relaxed and myself and that I hope they will be the same so we can enjoy the meeting. I'll be curtious and polite as well as being firm so we keep the business at hand to the point.. I work on the basis, things may not work out but I may have found another person to have coffee with,..

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to CanadianGuy)

Post #: 4

RE: Consideration? - 3/27/2006 4:25:21 AM

MHOO314

Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
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An excellent question Raven--I assume you refer to meetings aside from the myriad of horror stories about first meetings--IMHO, I think consideration from a humanity perspective is out the window ( yes, that's a generalized statement and everyone can disagree, but look at it from the whole--and yes I've travelled much of the world so...), I watched for years how people treated My mother and My unmentionable--rude, arrogant, everyone pushing their needs ahead--I have always felt that it is My responsibility as a person to be considerate--and yes in meeting submissives, I take great pains in calming them---when I met the boy, we went straightway to a restaurant, it was in his town, so the comfort zone was his (<smiles>)--I was the one travelling, but throughout the day I called to insure he was calm and to alleviate his fears--

I've had comments like "gee you are so nice"--and I wonder, why wouldn't I be? so IMHO I do think its a trait that's lacking somewhat today---

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor

(in reply to RavenMuse)

Post #: 5

RE: Consideration? - 3/27/2006 5:37:37 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse
Are most Dom/mes so socialy inept that such things REALLY are that rare? I know there are several on the board who I doubt would have acted much diffrently than I did. IB of course, MH, MoGa, Phoenix, Gage and even I suspect KoM.... but in general, out there in the real world, is the standard really so low that such actions are seen as rare?

Yes.

Sadly enough this also tends to mean that subs will fall for the first dom who pays them any sort of actual sincere attention.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to RavenMuse)

Post #: 6

RE: Consideration? - 3/27/2006 5:55:52 AM

Cloudz

Posts: 836
Joined: 9/13/2005
Status: offline

Raven,

I suspect it comes down to the difference between being comfortable with who you are or playing a role. I am very comfortable who I am and my persona does not change. I HAVE been told by more than one submissive that I am too gentle and caring to be an effective Domme. They were correct on one point - I was not what they were looking for.
The sweet boys who have the pleasures of experiencing the full compliment of my personality have found that my eclectic mix of caring and sadism, humor and honesty have worked well for them. I do not need black leather or whip brandishing to be who I am. For some it is the black leather and whip brandish that...for a few moments...makes them who they are.

_____________________________

Enjoy the Journey,
~Cloudz

"Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."

(in reply to RavenMuse)

Post #: 7

RE: Consideration? - 3/27/2006 6:00:58 AM

crouchingtigress

Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline

I sure hope not.

A little off topic:

Some trepidation is wonderfully intoxicating... but quaking fear shows me they are not at he level of emotional maturity and internal personal commitment that I require.

Does any one else turn away applicants because they are too afraid?

_____________________________

Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 8

RE: Consideration? - 3/27/2006 6:13:29 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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Joined: 10/25/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress
Does any one else turn away applicants because they are too afraid?

I don't turn people away, but they turn themselves away.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to crouchingtigress)

Post #: 9

RE: Consideration? - 3/27/2006 6:24:19 AM

ivorylace

Posts: 56
Joined: 3/26/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

Are most Dom/mes so socialy inept that such things REALLY are that rare? I know there are several on the board who I doubt would have acted much diffrently than I did. IB of course, MH, MoGa, Phoenix, Gage and even I suspect KoM.... but in general, out there in the real world, is the standard really so low that such actions are seen as rare?

yes, sadly they are. Though respect should be earned, consideration should be a must.

~ lace

(in reply to RavenMuse)

Post #: 10

RE: Consideration? - 3/27/2006 8:08:32 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

Does any one else turn away applicants because they are too afraid?

Master knew my fears (which were great at first) and would not allow a visit until he had worked me through them. He found no reason to turn someone away due to something she could overcome if she wanted to. Fear does not mean lack of desire; it typically means lack of knowledge and trust not yet developed.

Back to the thread, i know lots of considerate people, so it does not surprise me when someone is considerate. i also know people who are considerate to some but inconsiderate to others, go figure. So i will typically weigh what i witness and form an opinion based on that.

(in reply to crouchingtigress)

Post #: 11

RE: Consideration? - 3/27/2006 8:25:00 AM

TheTopHat

Posts: 39
Joined: 3/12/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble

quote:

Are most Dom/mes so socialy inept that such things REALLY are that rare?

Most of the Dominants whom I've met, I met through r/t venues, so it's hard to say, because I'm attracted to a certain sort of person, so for me, I haven't run across a lot of people who were socially inept or lacking in the finer social graces. I dare say, those few who struck me as less than considerate, I, frankly, had little or nothing to do with them. It's rather sad that your new friend has had such a hard time meeting people who are considerate.. so I'm glad she found you and wish you all luck and happiness with your new found friendship.. or more if it works out that way.

Celeste

I would hazard that the majority of people today lack consideration, manners are fast disappearing in oour society. What I find reprehensible however is where the most concern should be shown (ie a potential (Dom) meeting a (potential) Sub it appears, certainly from the posts here, there is the least.

_____________________________

TheTopHat (and Cane)

Just my 2.31 cents (In Canada you see)

(in reply to BitaTruble)

Post #: 12

RE: Consideration? - 3/27/2006 1:07:52 PM

amaidiamond

Posts: 1793
Joined: 2/6/2006
From: Watford / London
Status: offline

It was not so much the case of not knowing many considerate people, I just think that turning up a good half hour early went above and beyond what I would normally expect when meeting anyone for the first time from online, in a D/s context or otherwise.
It is not that I have had a catalouge of bad experiences, the ones I have had were in general good, neither is it that I am a quaking with fear sort of person - though I think that meeting someone for the first time, especially when you get on rather well from initial contact is always going to be a slightly stomach fluttering experience, it was *good* nerves rather than fear nerves.
It was just very nice to see what i would call good old fashioned good manners, and above and beyond that, I class myself as a thoughtfull person, at least i always try to be and it was very nice to meet someone who thought the same way.

Just wanted to clarify

(in reply to TheTopHat)

Post #: 13

RE: Consideration? - 3/27/2006 2:41:19 PM

proudsub

Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

On the message boards here we don't hear much about the meetings that went well, but we do hear all about the ones that went badly or had no shows. It appears both of you were very considerate to each other, very refreshing to hear.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

(in reply to RavenMuse)

Post #: 14

RE: Consideration? - 3/27/2006 3:19:18 PM

PlayfulOne

Posts: 1047
Status: offline

Sadly some just do not seem to understand how to behave. This usually extends to how they are, not just how they are at a first meeting. Raven you have alwasy come across, to me at least, as a rather fine upstanding individual so your behavior at the meeting is exactly what I would expect from you.

All you can do is be yourself.

K

(in reply to proudsub)

Post #: 15

RE: Consideration? - 3/27/2006 3:30:50 PM

Alumbrado

Posts: 5560
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

This stems from a rather sweet young lady calling me considerate for the way I handled the first meeting between us....
Are most Dom/mes so socialy inept that such things REALLY are that rare? I know there are several on the board who I doubt would have acted much diffrently than I did. IB of course, MH, MoGa, Phoenix, Gage and even I suspect KoM.... but in general, out there in the real world, is the standard really so low that such actions are seen as rare?

I don't know about 'most', but I suspect it can be a short leap from being an inconsiderate person, to buying a pair of leather pants and calling one's self a Dom/me.

For myself, I feel as though I deserve a sub who appreciates me for everything I do, including the nice things.

(in reply to RavenMuse)

Post #: 16

RE: Consideration? - 3/27/2006 3:35:56 PM

amaidiamond

Posts: 1793
Joined: 2/6/2006
From: Watford / London
Status: offline

I just wanted to show apprication for what i felt was a very nice thing to do :)

(in reply to Alumbrado)

Post #: 17

RE: Consideration? - 3/27/2006 4:49:06 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
Sadly enough this also tends to mean that subs will fall for the first dom who pays them any sort of actual sincere attention.

Just because the sub falls fro them... doesn't mean the Dom just take them in a deep intimate relationship. Sometimes the considerate thing is actually to say No thank you but we are not compatiable.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 18

RE: Consideration? - 3/27/2006 4:56:47 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

Given her comments about the consideration involved being a rare thing.... my question is this...

My first thought is ... why does she consider it rare... what kind of people is she choosing to meet and socialize with. It has been my experience that the very great majority are generally well mannered. But, I keep hearing about this ideal that so many Dominants are rude and assuming... so where are these people... do you know very many of them? I sure don't.

So it comes back to ... why is this person keeps meeting with these types of people... The other possibility is she is just blowing shallow compliments up your backside in order to impress you. Then there is the third, are all these nice up standing individual Dominants we know an entirely different person when they get the little innocent subbie alone.... well I know I am... I tend to be even more careful in my interactions, I suspect most are the same.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to RavenMuse)

Post #: 19

RE: Consideration? - 3/27/2006 5:09:28 PM

SpaceForMore

Posts: 32
Joined: 2/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I don't turn people away, but they turn themselves away.

LA, May I ask for your hand in date?

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 20

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