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RE: Active Dominance....and follow through - 2/10/2010 8:58:31 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RCdc

I believe consistancy is a big provider of security though. Master is always that, so I never have to 'expect' - instead I always 'know'. It provides a solid foundation and takes away worry.

the.dark.

Ditto to the above. When you're used to consistancy it eliminates the insecurity of * I wonder if.....he cares , hes watching, he knows, he's paying attention*

And ditto to the *it's not my place to tell him as or when or how.....*

I can quite easily rate my own performance on what I've set for myself, but it's not HIS rating.

That's easy for me to say , because I DO have reasons, expectations and history , I DO have consistency and it all makes jolly good sense to me. I have no history of being left to *wonder* to any great extent at all.

I have every avenue open to talk if something is causing me any significant trauma (and I don't mean just because I don't LIKE it...lol).........but I'd be stunned if it ever GOT that far anyhow.

agirl

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 21

RE: Active Dominance....and follow through - 2/10/2010 9:39:31 AM

petmonkey

Posts: 1053
Joined: 7/7/2009
Status: offline

This question kinda' speaks to Our situation, perhaps. We met in real life and had a few years of relatively consistent interaction. Now Sir is on warfront assignment, interaction is limited mostly to email and telephone. The fundamental nature of Our relationship has morphed into something far different than what it used to be. Personally, i think it's a healthy, encouraging thing that We maintain the relationship even though We haven't maintained it's original 'trappings'. The relationship is more than just what We do for or to each other on a regular basis.
Traveling around a war zone living out of 75 pounds on His back with limited access to a good internet connection, very little down time and a lot of shelling going on. . .i'd be a moron if i couldn't guess that "Demmit, monkey, I don't have the time for you right this moment" wasn't a frequent reply. Furthermore, most of the time He'd be a moron if He wasn't paying full attention to the situation around Him.
When i get itchy about Him not being here, not being able to actively, physically, full-breath-of-freaking-life engage with me, i focus on the long-term goals He set for Us rather than any immediate When-He-was-here-he'd-chip-clip-me-nips-during-dinner-prep stuff. There's a lot of "like it or lump it" in this situation, to be sure. Thus far, i've been able to re-arrange my thinking to "like it" because of the "sideways good" i get out of the situation (to borrow from suneshinemiss) whenever i get too testy about His absence. Plus, i have permission to chip-clip me own nips as needed, which helps.

Won't say that i haven't been angsty, can't say i haven't shared my angst with Him on occasion. When i have, there's been some pats on the head, some directions given, and even some non-answered emails, depends on how He's doing and whether He's able. All i can really say is that i wake up accepting it, find the value in it again around noon and accept it again while nodding off at night. i suppose when i can't do that or He doesn't want me to, We'll be done but this hasn't happened yet.
As for the example of journals. . . i don't have those kinds of detail tasks, those sidenotes, those particulars with Him right now. What i have is His plans for the future and the theme of Our relationship. Heck, i don't know if He reads any of what i post here. It'd be a nice bonus and kinda' flattering i suppose, but it's main purpose is not to communicate with Him per se, it's an attempt to follow the basic directive of "Figure it out for yourself for awhile, I've got a war to throw. When I come back, I expect you to be a better, stronger, faster version of yourself. Enjoy it and prepare for another new situation. I'll want some nice stories and a back rub. And a nap. And a good meal. And maybe a night on the town. And some dryer-fresh socks. Gotta' go, the helicopter arrives soo--"

In there, did i respond to your questions at all, persephonee? i think i rambled a tad. please accept my apology for typos and poor writing.

_____________________________

Be excellent to each other.

(in reply to persephonee)

Post #: 22

RE: Active Dominance....and follow through - 2/10/2010 9:46:14 AM

persephonee

Posts: 5089
Joined: 12/15/2007
Status: offline

God Speed to your Sir.

Yes, you made perfect sense....and put some perspective on it for me too.....

_____________________________

You be the Captain; i'll be no one.

And You can carry me away....if You want to. ~Kasey Chambers

E*Whore, extraordinaire....

Nothing is exactly as it seems~Nor, is it otherwise.

(in reply to petmonkey)

Post #: 23

RE: Active Dominance....and follow through - 2/10/2010 9:50:55 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

There's a big difference between *not being able to* and * not really caring that much*.

agirl

(in reply to petmonkey)

Post #: 24

RE: Active Dominance....and follow through - 2/10/2010 2:51:51 PM

HisSub1213

Posts: 219
Joined: 11/3/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: persephonee

One example would be journalling. Someone i know used to journal as instructed and it was like throwing a note in a bottle and casting it into the void.....she felt horrible about it and talked about it and it really never got resolved...nothing really changed at all in that regard.

i dont even journal at all for Master....it kind of fell off the radar almost a year ago and never really came back up....i blog but i dont even think he is linked to it.....and those arent really private thoughts anyway....

So journalling would be a prime example....for most its a hard task, at the very least, its time consuming....and heartfelt....edited and fussed over.....

So there you are sweating to get something done...only never to hear another word about it....you dont even know for certain its even being read completely thru.....So youre tempted to say, whats the point?....but you keep going.....until.....

When does it stop being your problem with self discipline and start being his lack of follow thru or active dominance? And then how do you handle it?

~mental note...no more Red Bull tonight~

I asked just recently if my journal had been read and the response was "vaguley", whatever that means. However in the past, we have discussed why a journal, and the response was "it gives me insight into you" and "its more theraputic for you". So, I guess it all comes out in the wash.

It stopped being a problem of self discipline when I discovered that it was difficult to sleep knowing I hadn't done it because it was more a habit than anything at that point. I think he follows through, but doesn't necessarily feel the need to tell me each and every time he does. If that makes sense.

< Message edited by HisSub1213 -- 2/10/2010 2:52:29 PM >

_____________________________

HisSub1213

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped. (Elbert Hubbard)

Fear is the mother of morality. (Friedrich Nietzsche)

(in reply to persephonee)

Post #: 25

RE: Active Dominance....and follow through - 2/10/2010 5:07:03 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

I envy yours being so young. The trouble they get into in the teen years is frightening. Being brought home by the police, being called into the principal's office. Ugh!

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to persephonee)

Post #: 26

RE: Active Dominance....and follow through - 2/10/2010 5:23:31 PM

persephonee

Posts: 5089
Joined: 12/15/2007
Status: offline

LOL....how ironic is it that hes going to do all those things i did to my parents when i was growing up....that alone should have shied me off that GD cryoclinic....what the hell was i thinking?????

Lets just hope i survive to hear the therapist blame me......

_____________________________

You be the Captain; i'll be no one.

And You can carry me away....if You want to. ~Kasey Chambers

E*Whore, extraordinaire....

Nothing is exactly as it seems~Nor, is it otherwise.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 27

RE: Active Dominance....and follow through - 2/11/2010 4:02:00 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

It's the mother's curse: Someday I hope you have a child just like you.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to persephonee)

Post #: 28

RE: Active Dominance....and follow through - 2/11/2010 6:41:01 AM

persephonee

Posts: 5089
Joined: 12/15/2007
Status: offline

i wish i hadnt been so mean to Mom....she has since forgiven me, cuz she kinda had to....but she still cackles a bit when i tell her about things....its tres creepy, that cackle. *shiver*

im just glad i didnt have a girl....nuthin meaner spirited than a 15 yr old girl.....nuthin at all.

_____________________________

You be the Captain; i'll be no one.

And You can carry me away....if You want to. ~Kasey Chambers

E*Whore, extraordinaire....

Nothing is exactly as it seems~Nor, is it otherwise.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 29

RE: Active Dominance....and follow through - 2/11/2010 6:45:28 AM

ranja

Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline

ORIGINAL: persephonee

Hypothetically speaking, of course.....

How would you address a situation in which you were in an otherwise remarkably healthy or smooth running relationship but you had noticed a distinct drop off in active dominance or follow up regarding...really any ONE issue you can imagine....chores, assignments, what you ask permission to do and what you dont...whatever it is.

Yes this happens at interfalls... He is not always on the ball... sometimes He simply can't be arsed with it all, the lazy blind grumpy old git (don't tell Him i said that)

my response in these situations:

i might sulk... i might wallow in my abandonment...
i might pick up a cyber lover for a while...
i have been known to go on holiday for a week or so aswell (with His permission of course)

when i manage to get some oompf back myself... and it is a better time of the month.... and i decided to dress very sexy maybe... He might notice me again.

Sometimes i might decide to write Him an e-mail... because if i want Him to read what i actually write, i have to send it to Him directly... also it needs to be very polite (which is very difficult depending on how pissed off or disappointed i am)and very very to the point (also difficult as i tend to ramble) otherwise He will not respond to my liking at all.

Also it is important for us that He knows my sexdrive and therefor i am expected to always ask Him for permission to masturbate... it is the most important rule for me... if i were to break this agreement He would lose control of our sexlife and i do not want to go down that path again

Maybe im asking how much self disciplining you expect to be doing on your own and how you deal with it when you feel like you might be putting more effort into something than he is or cares to.....

Yes that happens... forinstance i spend way to much time on this computer lately... if i were Him i would have told me to get on with some other things, but He has not... i know i have to get on with this other stuff, but i am busy typing this... which i like better than doing the ironing and stuff... so i think i have to ask Him to ban me from the computer for a bit... but when i ask Him that, i am sure He will be ever so quick in making sure i won't have access anymore... and that might spoil my daily fun a bit... it will be better though... atleast more jobs will get done...
Jeez, how childish am i?
what lack of self control!
that i should have to ask Him to ban me from the computer... the shame

When does it stop being your problem with self discipline and start being his lack of follow thru or active dominance? And then how do you handle it?

Well i think i have given myself a very to the point example of where my self discipline becomes a problem and what i should do to handle it.

What ever my problem is... it is indeed just that: my problem... and it hardly ever has anything to do with His domination or follow through... but i might twist it like that in my personal train of thoughts when i get impatient and bored at times... and yes, then i might keep a little score card aswell... i think it is a disgruntled female thing...

Whereas you can not dominate yourself you can submit in such away that it invites his dominance... some people call it manipulation, i think it is of paramount importance to be skilled at it.

A spanking helps, always puts me in my place

ask for a spanking

< Message edited by ranja -- 2/11/2010 6:46:18 AM >

(in reply to persephonee)

Post #: 30

RE: Active Dominance....and follow through - 2/11/2010 3:00:16 PM

lally2

Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: persephonee
.i think that im suffering from self set expectation disorder....you know what i mean....

And, i am willing to examine that and do the work myself....if only because of the internal conflict that is brought on by not getting your expectation met the way you would want....i like things tranquil...inside and out.

.

ooh, i know that one! -

-

... in the end i just made myself hand the choice over in a way. i stopped making whatever it was that important, i supposed that he assumed i was doing as expected and that if at any time he did choose to check up on me, everything was as it should be. there would have been some explaining to do otherwise and his annoyance/dissappointment that id let it slacken off.

sometimes pulling as a team means that theyre doing things we're not aware of either, they do it anyway. same goes.

hugs xx

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to persephonee)

Post #: 31

RE: Active Dominance....and follow through - 2/11/2010 3:43:09 PM

osf

Posts: 3288
Joined: 10/19/2009
Status: offline

i'd be disappointed in myself if she had thoughts i wasn't aware of

_____________________________

all around nice guy and creative misogynist

i'm not very skilled so i just hit harder

i want a woman to make into the woman she never wanted to become

(in reply to lally2)

Post #: 32

RE: Active Dominance....and follow through - 2/11/2010 3:57:18 PM

lovingpet

Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline

~FR~

My partner and I don't have a whole lot of things that fall into this "active dominance" category. I don't have a list of a bunch of rules, chores, assignments, etc. I have some expectations of dress and appearance that he has never failed to check within seconds of seeing me. I am to send him a letter each week on a given day by midnight. That's about it. Everything else falls into the realm of respect and being a good person to be in a relationship with. If I were behaving in some ugly fashion he surely would jerk a knot in my ass. I would do the same if it went the other way. He checks in randomly about what and how often I am eating, whether I am getting enough rest and exercise, and keeping up with my meds or therapies. That, too, though, is just good relationship type stuff. He has the right to take it a step farther if he desires, but only has once and that was because it reaped very serious consequences for me.

He is dominant. It isn't really something separate and apart from the rest of our lives. The same from the submissive side goes for me. I just am submissive. We simply respond to each other this way. There is no on and there is no off. There is no active. He says it. I do it. He likes it. I accommodate it. It is very simple for us. I really don't expect him to be anything other than him. If I had come to question something like this, I would be asking something more along the lines of "Are you okay?" It would not be like him to not be dominant. Maybe he was ill or dealing with emotional stress or maybe there are problems with finances that he didn't tell me about. Whatever it was, it would be something that is making him not himself.

I think that has to be the thrust of any conversation. It has to be about the relationship and his well being. I get to tell him my thoughts and feelings all the time. That's what he wants and expects. He gets the perogative to be more selective. I can own how I feel, but I also have to approach a problem out of concern for my partner and in an effort to keep our relationship a healthy one.

The journaling example is something I can relate to a little bit. Like I said, I send him a letter every week. This is a standing order. For the longest time it fell into a void. I didn't know if he was reading them or not and what he thought about what I had written. It was a lot of one way communication. As much as those letters were for my own self examination and reflection, they were communication. Effective communication goes both ways. It wasn't for me to ask or demand that he read and discuss the letters with me, but it was for me to say I really would enjoy hearing his thoughts. That is one very important aspect of our relationship. I am the person he can share his thoughts with. It was one thing he was clear on wanting a partner for from the outset. It is one way I serve him. I have to make sure I am making myself available for that purpose. He could speak his mind without an invite, but it sure does make it a lot easier. He knows that it brings me great pleasure to get to serve him in that way.

I know it is just an example you gave, but the basic mode remains the same. I just LOVE to serve him in all these many different ways and I want to open myself to him for those purposes. I guess it could be seen as manipulation. It isn't. That has everything to do with intent. I do this in any relationship. Instead of moping or even complaining about never getting to go out to lunch with a certain friend anymore, I just bring it up when we're talking and about how much fun I had when we would go out to lunch and may even have a date, time, and place in mind and see what happens. In this kind of a relationship, I guess that would be "proactive submission" LOL!!!! I'll always bet on a sure thing. Memory lane often leads to a right onto back on track. After a quiet conversation of happy reminiecing (sp?), I have no problem setting a stage on which he can do as he pleases. Maybe I did plant a seed. Was it my place to do? I guess that can be debated. The question I would ask is, did it help the relationship? All means have to serve that end. If we are back on track for happily ever after, then I have been a good girl and my work here is done....for now! LOL

I expect nothing from him. I expect him to be who I have come to know and love and to grow and change over time. That is a simple reliability he has instilled in me time and again over the course of our relationship. That's all I really need.

lovingpet

_____________________________

If you put your head into more, you'd have to put your back into less. ~Me

10 Fluffy pts.

(in reply to persephonee)

Post #: 33

RE: Active Dominance....and follow through - 2/12/2010 1:08:40 AM

ranja

Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline

Oh no… what have i done?

i thought i better put my money where my mouth is and follow my own advice. And so when He came in from work and we were enjoying a cup of coffee talking about our day, i suggested that maybe He should limit my internet time…
Well… He has done just that.
i now have a measly hour and a half a day… (Pretty generous really)

He is not relying on my own discretion either, He has put a timer and lock out on it…

See, unfortunately there is no problem with dominance and follow through when you give them the right initiative

i feel like i have shot myself in the foot… lovely

(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 34

RE: Active Dominance....and follow through - 2/12/2010 11:02:56 AM

HisSub1213

Posts: 219
Joined: 11/3/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet

The journaling example is something I can relate to a little bit. Like I said, I send him a letter every week. This is a standing order. For the longest time it fell into a void. I didn't know if he was reading them or not and what he thought about what I had written. It was a lot of one way communication. As much as those letters were for my own self examination and reflection, they were communication. Effective communication goes both ways. It wasn't for me to ask or demand that he read and discuss the letters with me, but it was for me to say I really would enjoy hearing his thoughts. That is one very important aspect of our relationship. I am the person he can share his thoughts with. It was one thing he was clear on wanting a partner for from the outset. It is one way I serve him. I have to make sure I am making myself available for that purpose. He could speak his mind without an invite, but it sure does make it a lot easier. He knows that it brings me great pleasure to get to serve him in that way.

lovingpet

Well as to journaling, I found out yesterday that YES, he does read my journals. I'm a bit stressed over a situation, let my worries and fears override my common sense and said some things that, well, lets just say he finished reading and was on the phone Immediately, not happy. So, I guess that answered my question.

The thing is though that he doesn't have to share his thoughts on anything with me. As lovingpet said, not a lot of rules, no micro managing, He's dominant, I'm submissive that's just the way it is.

< Message edited by HisSub1213 -- 2/12/2010 11:04:23 AM >

_____________________________

HisSub1213

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped. (Elbert Hubbard)

Fear is the mother of morality. (Friedrich Nietzsche)

(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 35

RE: Active Dominance....and follow through - 2/12/2010 2:40:26 PM

persephonee

Posts: 5089
Joined: 12/15/2007
Status: offline

Okay, quick update and then im going to read the responses.....

1.) *facepalm* He has/and was developing the flu.
2.) i got my stooooopid period and THEN did the math on why i was sooo hypercritical and whiney...
3.) im soooo not telling him this one!!! He will never stop laughing at my ass ever ever evereververver.....
4.)sigh.

_____________________________

You be the Captain; i'll be no one.

And You can carry me away....if You want to. ~Kasey Chambers

E*Whore, extraordinaire....

Nothing is exactly as it seems~Nor, is it otherwise.

(in reply to HisSub1213)

Post #: 36

RE: Active Dominance....and follow through - 2/12/2010 2:43:58 PM

persephonee

Posts: 5089
Joined: 12/15/2007
Status: offline

ranja....yep, screwed yourself didntja....lol....He keeps threatening to take the router with him to work....thank goodness hes not "actively dominating" .....right?

_____________________________

You be the Captain; i'll be no one.

And You can carry me away....if You want to. ~Kasey Chambers

E*Whore, extraordinaire....

Nothing is exactly as it seems~Nor, is it otherwise.

(in reply to persephonee)

Post #: 37

RE: Active Dominance....and follow through - 2/13/2010 10:41:01 AM

Daddysredhead

Posts: 23574
Joined: 11/6/2005
From: Northern (yet still part of the South) Virginia
Status: offline

Perse,

You and I are wonderful friends, we have been there and shared all sorts of things the past year and a half. While you may think that this is all about people being sick or premenstrual, it isn't always that. You brought up some great things that many of us "s" types have thought about from time to time. You know I've been there. I also know you, and I know that you are in such a really warm, loving place right now that the angst and drama that you once dealt with, like a tumor of sorts, is gone, and the calm can be a disarming thing when you are always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Enjoy your calm, love this Man, enjoy the wee one... even when doing the mundane. Boring calm is better than living on the edge of a dark abyss that leads to ulcer-inducing chaos.

I love you, sweetie, you know this. You also know that I will knock you back into reality or tell you to "snap the fuck out of it" whenever you need it. I'm good for that because we're tight. I'm also good for poking fun at the fact that you, as a nurse, didn't know your Master was ill, and needed the understanding of his Florence Nightingale, and chicken soup, and the remote, and a fluffy pillow... and also that you can't mind your own hormonal calendar. Tell ya what, text me when you start your period next, and I'll let you know 3 weeks later that you're going to be whiney and unreasonable soon, 'k?

*giggles*

You know I'm teasing, but I'm good for an understanding talk, a cry, a joke, a laugh, and to harass the crap out of you because you mean that much to me.

Smooches,
Red

_____________________________

Founding Member, Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's

Do not challenge me to a battle of wits & come to fight unarmed.

Are you really that stupid? ~ Bless your heart

13th doughnut

(in reply to persephonee)

Post #: 38

RE: Active Dominance....and follow through - 2/13/2010 10:49:59 AM

persephonee

Posts: 5089
Joined: 12/15/2007
Status: offline

Love you too Redbossyone...

_____________________________

You be the Captain; i'll be no one.

And You can carry me away....if You want to. ~Kasey Chambers

E*Whore, extraordinaire....

Nothing is exactly as it seems~Nor, is it otherwise.

(in reply to Daddysredhead)

Post #: 39

RE: Active Dominance....and follow through - 2/13/2010 10:53:59 AM

Daddysredhead

Posts: 23574
Joined: 11/6/2005
From: Northern (yet still part of the South) Virginia
Status: offline

I feel the love.

_____________________________

Founding Member, Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's

Do not challenge me to a battle of wits & come to fight unarmed.

Are you really that stupid? ~ Bless your heart

13th doughnut

(in reply to persephonee)

Post #: 40

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