|
CanadianGuy -> RE: ideas for punishment of an online submissive (4/6/2006 2:16:18 AM)
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: slavejali
I know the intensity of feelings that can develop and they are very very real, but one thing is missing .."contact"....
is this really how you want to continue to live your life...and is this how she wants to continue to live her life?
Thank you for your post. You're right, contact is missing. I haven't been with her since that one single time 9 months ago, which was amazing. Everything felt justified and true, I was completely enveloped in my own control of her, and in her submission to me, and our love. Every single thing I'd felt with her was real. Later, she said that it had been amazing, especially as her first time in real life, but that she had a feeling of being unsure at times. Not sure if it was totally right. She said it is because she has little to compare it to. I can assure her that it IS right, being more experienced, I know it was right. I've told her that I'll guide her and support her until she's sure it's what she wants. When I say "it", I mean to dedicate her life to me and come and be with me. I told her that I'll give her some more time. She's going to be going to college within a year... but she doesn't know where. Lots of decisions to start thinking about. Being apart forever isn't going to work for me. You're right when you say she's probably contemplating that too. She doesn't think it'll work long distance for much longer... but she's also not sure where she'll go to college, and if she wants to devote herself to me irl. I refuse to force her to decide right now.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Mavis
If W/we're on phone, and my tone gets out of wack, He'll say "Ok, I'm done here, we've hit unproductive time, Goodbye, sleep well. ::: click ::: Same with IM, if things degenerate He will save me from myself by not allowing it to go further, and i know when i have messed up!
He just withdraws the warm-fuzzy parts of our interaction for a time, until i see clearly how much i'd rather behave in such a way as to give Master the desire to be warm n fuzzy with me. i'll get my daily greeting, it'll be terse, but i never feel abandoned.. something like "Good morning. I will be busy today. Emergency contacts allowed as always, but I will not have time for casual chat. Text messages only, I will reply if needed. Have a good day." Something similar for the evening. This has never gone for more than 3 days even in the most extreme cases.
If she's not using Your time effectively, give her less of it to dink with. If she's not focusing on You when You talk, allow her to focus on other things instead, and see how she likes not having You to focus on. i hate to admit this, but sometimes, we get so confortable in our position, we forget what a treasure we serve, and need to be reminded what life was like before...
This feels like conditioning - and I strongly believe in that kind of model for modifying undesireable behaviour. I'm definitely going to consider this. I believe it's one thing that will work. You're right - she'll respond if I tell her that the conversation is over, and we'll talk again tomorrow. Thank you.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Varicolored
Time apart can be good, if you are clear about why it is happening and why you are doing it, but, here, you have to be deeply thorough in advance. You can't just skip out, or, as you say, it comes across the wrong way. Personally, I hated when this happened, as I lived to see her everyday, even if it was only in an email.
Personally, my solution to your situation would be to find a way to either move to her, or bring her to you. Period. Eventually, the distance between you will overwhelm whatever love is there.
Thank you for your honesty. The first part of the post which I quoted makes sense to me. I will make sure I'm thorough when I give her time apart, letting her know why it's happening, and how long it's for.
The second part strikes a chord with me. Being with her would be so right, I know that. She hates not having my control around her, gets scared and sad and unsure of herself when she has any control of her own. She needs and craves to submit so badly it hurts her. And when I hear her talking like that, I want to protect her and be with her physically. It is the biggest strain in our relationship. To imagine not ever having to worry about that particular thing again... that would me so amazing. We could actually focus on dealing with the other issues, which would be minor compared to that, and in growing our relationship in a forward direction again.
quote:
ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress
I applaud that you are with her for 3 years, you must have found something so deep and nourishing for you, and my heart goes out to you too...how hard it must be to be so far.
Your ability to empathize with exactly how I feel is powerful. I have to say that I respect you for that, and for your well thought out reply... and I don't say that to a lot of people. Thank you, tigress! You're very right - it is incredibly hard. This last week has been nasty, as she pulled away when I gave her the 3 day punishment, and is still distant. We're used to long daily chats, and some phone and webcam too. We're doing no more than a few lines of text a day right now. It feels like even less than it is, even. Basically I'm just reaching out, making sure she's alright, and giving her a chance to say she's ready to talk. But each day, she seems (or acts) quite content when I said "okay, I guess I'll talk to you later", because she immediately replies with "bye". It hurts, having her act like she's not missing me and the control. At times I do feel like pushing her to open up, but she made it clear a few days ago that she's doing a lot of thinking right now. I don't know if that's true - I see her online a lot, which means she's chatting and surfing in her spare time. I can't help but think I'm being manipulated, a bit. She knows I adore her. I know it's not all manipulation, because there's certainly something going on. I really hope it doesn't go much further. Thursday nights are usually nights where we spend several hours in the evening together, and almost always have a phone call. Maybe tonight will be the night she's ready to talk. And of course, in a way, I'm not looking forward to it.
quote:
ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress
After reading her thoughts on the necklace you gave her I would not recommend taking it off, it would be too destabilizing and could send her into a depression from feeling abandoned
Okay, good point. You're right, she definitely sees it as a symbol of my ownership. I've told her that it doesn't mean that to me. For example, if it breaks by accident, that doesn't mean she's not mine. Or, if it needs to be cleaned, taking it off doesn't ruin our bond. It's just a necklace. She made it clear that to HER, it does have meaning, a lot of meaning. So I told her I respect that it has meaning for her, and told her to keep it on then, unless it needs fixing or cleaning etc. When she threatened to completely end our relationship during a depressed and very stressful period a few months ago, I told her to take it off. She said she'd been trying to, and wasn't able to do it. She undid the clasp but couldn't separate the parts. Maybe she was just being dramatic, I don't know. In any case, it has been on for 17 months. It's just a simple gold chain with my first initial "D" as a pendant.
quote:
ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress
If she forgets you had planned to talk or falls asleep are two different things, falling asleep sometimes cant be helped, but forgetting, is a choice. I would say she has forfeited her privilege to talk to you that whole day. That may feel like you are being punished too and in a way you are, so tell her that, tell her that her actions have created not only the separation but have made your dominance over her something she is in control of.....EEEEK I swear she will hate that.
Her sleep problem is laziness. She sleeps 10+ hours a night, doesn't do anything strenuous, and just goes to class during the day. Sometimes she'll sleep 12 hours, wake up and talk to me for an hour, and then just disappear. The next day, she'll say she passed out, and that she's sorry. I don't believe there are any medical issues - she is young, fit, and in good condition other than a touch of depression which comes and goes. The falling asleep problem has been happening on and off for a long time. She never fell asleep when we were together... but maybe that's because she was too busy learning how to give head. :p
quote:
ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress
*Tell the sub/slave what the infraction is.
*Tell the sub slave that not only are they not getting what they want but their actions are making it so that You are not getting what You want, typically they can live with denying themselves but it is much harder to know they have denied you.
*Tell them that their actions were hurtful to you and to the dynamic you are both investing so much of your life energy into, and basically by not holding up her end of the bargain she is cheating herself out of the deeper fulfillment she is craving that led her to find a Master as opposed to a boyfriend.
*And lastly set an exact time for the infraction to be over. This differentiates the value of punishment from the something like ignoring her, because that is passive aggressive and childish and the dominant ends up loosing power and trust every time in that sort of scenario.
This is more great information, similar to the above posts. I think I already "know" that stuff, but it's very good to hear it from your perspective. I'm going to take it into consideration for sure.
quote:
ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress
You briefly mention and age difference, might I suggest planning ahead of time for the issues that come up around that, very thoughtfully? Develop the dyanmic so that she still has her daddy Dom but also begins to come into her responsibility's to you as a woman.
Yes, a fair age difference. I'm going on 31, she's.... not in college yet. I'll look into the "issues" you speak of. Perhaps that's for another thread?
quote:
ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress
You are doing the right thing by asking for help, yet I dont think the boards are enough, you may have to find a live mentor in the leather community, some one with a lot of experience with younger submissives.
Unfortunately I won't be able to get involved in the community IRL at the moment. It's going to be online help for now. But that's okay - you are giving excellent ideas and support. Thank you so much.
|
|
|
|
