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Choosing Online over Real Life? - 2/9/2010 9:11:25 PM

trealeon

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This is going to be a rant... I apologize in advance, I'll try to make it a short one but I know I'm venting and so therefore, in the end, it's just a rant. (There is a question at the end though)

------
Recently a submissive contacted me. We talked, and realized that we had a lot in common as far as what we were looking for in D/s. We eventually met and had a great interaction.

She later confessed that, because she was just out of a relationship, she was casually talking to and going out on dates with a few different guys. Two others in the areas (switches) and then talking to a Dom online out of state. I was fine with that, especially since we hit it off so well and she later confessed she wasn't interested much in the other two guys in our area (not into switches).

(This is already too long)

Long story short, only a few days after telling me this, she tells me that although she really feels a great connection with me because we clicked both in a vanilla and a D/s way, that the online Dom was "in her head" and she wanted to put all her energy into that. They won't be able to meet for over a month (and she has to go to him to accomplish this), and until then she's just not going to date anyone else.

I thought I'd be fine if this didn't work out. For the most part I am, except I just cannot wrap my mind around the concept of completely giving up all interaction with a live person right in front of you who you already admit you feel a strong connection with, for words on a screen and a person who's out of state and you won't even get to see for a month.

If she said "well I want to keep my options open and just be casual until I meet him" I would understand that completely... but just cutting off all contact with everyone else and not even entertaining the option of dating anyone... I just cannot wrap my head around it.

Can someone help me understand what I'm missing? I've never really understood the attraction of online interaction as the primary way of being in a relationship. I see talking online as a way to get to know a person but not as a way to date them. Why would someone choose that over a real life person to the extent of cutting off their real life interactions in favor of online?

Just so you know I fully recognize I'm a little bitter about this. I'll get over it soon I'm sure (it's by far not the worst thing that's ever happened). So no need to point this out :).

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RE: Choosing Online over Real Life? - 2/9/2010 9:31:19 PM

DarkSteven

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Dunno how to tell you this gently, but you see yourself as the RL Dom vs an online Dom, and the Doms themselves are essentially interchangeable - it's the interactive medium that you're focused on..

She decided on HIM. She decided that she was more compatible with him than with you and the two switches.

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RE: Choosing Online over Real Life? - 2/9/2010 9:36:46 PM

trealeon

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DS,

Point well taken... and I do realize that.

I guess then the follow up to that would be: how do you decide that you're more compatible with someone you haven't really met? I think that's where I'm stuck.

< Message edited by trealeon -- 2/9/2010 9:37:56 PM >

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RE: Choosing Online over Real Life? - 2/9/2010 9:37:49 PM

CNJDom

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From: Southern NJ
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First online is non-threatening and also non-committal. It can be an intense relationship for some, but still it's got distance and freedom all over it. Secondly, she's just gotten out of a relationship. There's a good chance that if you got together with this person right now, that you'd end up breaking up with her perhaps due to the bounce-back effect that a lot of people go through. If this recently-ended relationship was a long one, then it makes sense to play the field first before jumping right back in again. Give her time and support and if it was meant to be, then it will happen. The chance of you being a bounce-back destined for failure relationship my be improved with this getting out of her system prior to settling back into another committed relationship right now. I hope this helps, and good luck.

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RE: Choosing Online over Real Life? - 2/9/2010 9:39:00 PM

UniqueRaven

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To me the fine point is that she is going to meet the "online Dom," they are making concrete plans to meet, and there will be a face-to-face encounter.

i see nothing wrong with her getting her head focused on preparing for that meeting with him. i find it admirable and goal-oriented, really. If they are compatible, then she's just that much farther ahead with him. If they aren't, then all she's lost is a month of her time, and she can go back to dating others. Much more upside than downside.

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RE: Choosing Online over Real Life? - 2/9/2010 9:42:34 PM

UniqueRaven

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To answer your second question - for me a sense it's easier to figure out if i'm compatible with someone online, and on the phone, vs. face to face. Physical chemistry is important, yes, but all of the "discussion" about preferences, finding common ground in D/s, BDSM play, personalities, values, living situations, etc. etc. etc. is facilitated by being forced into a written or a verbal medium.

i've found both my last Master and my current Owner this way. Honestly it's my preference because it has allowed me to feel safe during the "get to know you" stage. And then moving forward to meeting, and physical play is just the icing on the cake.

ETA - i should have just edited this into my post above - it's getting late, i'm tired, please forgive the double post..........

< Message edited by UniqueRaven -- 2/9/2010 9:43:22 PM >

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RE: Choosing Online over Real Life? - 2/9/2010 9:47:10 PM

trealeon

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UniqueRaven,

I think we just may be wired differently and that is why I don't get it. For me, I don't feel I've really met or really know a person until I meet them face to face.

Online you can say anything, craft your messages perfectly in a way that you know will be telling the other person what they want to hear. You can do, say, and be anybody or anything. So for me, the face to face is necessary to meet the real personality.

But I guess this mindset doesn't apply to everyone.

I appreciate your insight though.

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RE: Choosing Online over Real Life? - 2/9/2010 9:50:58 PM

UniqueRaven

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i have a pretty good BS meter. Even online. i am also very naturally empathic. i generally am typically able to figure out someone who is feeding me a line pretty quickly, and isn't being their true self - especially once you get them on the phone.

As i mention above, meeting face-to-face is the ultimate acid test, and physical chemistry is important. But i have had very little trouble with meeting honest and forthright potential Owners online - you just have to kiss a few frogs in the process.

_____________________________

"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?" ~Snoopy (Charles Schultz)

My blog is at http://takinghishand.wordpress.com

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RE: Choosing Online over Real Life? - 2/9/2010 9:59:09 PM

trealeon

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Okay... well I think just typing all that out kind of released it for me.

It always frustrates me when I hit a concept that I can't fully grasp... online dating is one of two things that currently fit in that category... the second would be accrual based accounting... I have NEVER gotten that down.

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RE: Choosing Online over Real Life? - 2/9/2010 10:14:47 PM

antipode

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quote:

she tells me that although she really feels a great connection with me because we clicked both in a vanilla and a D/s way, that the online Dom was "in her head" and she wanted to put all her energy into that.

She decided she was not interested in you, and just made up that story.

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RE: Choosing Online over Real Life? - 2/9/2010 10:24:40 PM

trealeon

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quote:

ORIGINAL: antipode

She decided she was not interested in you, and just made up that story.

I hope so... that I could wrap my mind around :)

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RE: Choosing Online over Real Life? - 2/9/2010 10:32:34 PM

SailingBum

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From: Sailin the stormy sea
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Whatever her "reasons" quit whining, man up and move on. For all you know she is dumping you for a monkey. She really really doesn't like you period end of story. Yes yes its that simple sheesh.

BadOne

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RE: Choosing Online over Real Life? - 2/9/2010 10:40:29 PM

heartcream

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OP I dont mid if you 'whine'. I didnt read every word you wrote but I am lazy like that. I dont think it is unmanly to post your quandry. I think you moved on just fine. You came asked a question, got a few responses, wrapped your head around it and are not in the same place. I have no problem with it.

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RE: Choosing Online over Real Life? - 2/9/2010 10:52:29 PM

trealeon

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Yeah that's pretty much how I see it.

It's nice to be able to vent, but in a forum this big, you have to be prepared for anything!

But I got what I needed so thanks!

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RE: Choosing Online over Real Life? - 2/9/2010 11:18:53 PM

ResidentSadist

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quote:

If she said "well I want to keep my options open and just be casual until I meet him" I would understand that completely... but just cutting off all contact with everyone else and not even entertaining the option of dating anyone... I just cannot wrap my head around it.

She didn't choose online over real life. She is going to meet him. To her, his kung fu is strong and she is comletely wrapped up by him.

What does all this mean? It means his phone sex creates more rapture than you real life sex with her did. Your "great interaction" was < his "great interaction". . . . she could be a fruit cake and anyone's fantasy kung fu will always be stronger than real life kung fu or her new guy is a perfect match and they will hook up for a thrill packed life.

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RE: Choosing Online over Real Life? - 2/9/2010 11:24:03 PM

AquaticSub

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quote:

ORIGINAL: trealeon

DS,

Point well taken... and I do realize that.

I guess then the follow up to that would be: how do you decide that you're more compatible with someone you haven't really met? I think that's where I'm stuck.

At the risk of being an ass... she may well have a reason for picking him over you that she doesn't feel comfortable sharing with you.

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RE: Choosing Online over Real Life? - 2/10/2010 2:28:42 AM

ranja

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So she is wrapped up in her on-line thing
you can wait around and try again with your real thing when it all comes to an end... as it more often does than not... or you can move on to another real thing.

if you wanna know about cyber, well... try it: send her a message and see if you can entertain her... maybe she is interested.

(in reply to trealeon)

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RE: Choosing Online over Real Life? - 2/10/2010 3:21:01 AM

Whiplashsmile4

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She's mentally more taken in by him over you.
Regardless of how realistic it is or not.

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RE: Choosing Online over Real Life? - 2/10/2010 3:43:24 AM

MsMillgrove

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Must agree with the consensus: right now, she's not that into you. However, I like the suggestion that you wait about to see how goes this relationship with the online, soon to meet... Dom. Personally I might have said something like, yes, a little break suits me as I have others I'd like to get acquainted with as well. And let her know that you are not necesarily focussed soley on her.

Why not send an email note in a couple weeks, saying nothing more than "thinking of you and hope all goes well" or whatever the guy equivelant translates ..

I've been thru versions of this myself. i call it "backburnering" meaning that someone puts someone else on the back burner, while they're pursuing another possibility. Bit of an ego thing, to accept that backburner position graciously. Sometimes I am ok with it, others.. I don't like not being "first choice". Because I don't favor it, it's something I don't do. Prefer to juggle everything at once--without any mention of "others".

One of the best things about this situation you describe, is that it sounds like the sub is attempting to be honest to you, telling you what she's doing and why. Even if you don't like it, or find it a weird concept, she's showing some confidence in you to entrust you with her thinking--so even if you aren't her first choice, obviously she respects you.

Good luck (seems fine that you posted. and i didn't get a whiff of whining in anything you said)

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RE: Choosing Online over Real Life? - 2/10/2010 4:12:39 AM

Fitznicely

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He's "in her head". I've been in the situation where someone who said they cared for me got obsessed over someone else. They got it out of their system, realised the reality didn't live up to the fantasy and came back with their tail between their legs.

I'm not saying that's how this'll go, but you never know. RL beats Online every time. Don't try and understand it, just sit back and wait. Try and keep contact, unless he's not allowing her to - which speaks volumes in my mind, at least. Be patient and understanding, prove your integrity, maturity, self control, patience and prove you can be trusted and once she's worked out that the prospect of a Dom who offers all that is better than a face on a webcam, you'll be there for her.

If she's worth the wait. If not, walk away and don't let it bother you.

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