Spinoff: fear play and trust (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion



Message

Andalusite -> Spinoff: fear play and trust (2/9/2010 9:28:30 PM)

This came up a lot in the knife play thread, but I think it applies to a *lot* of different aspects of D/s, S/M, and so forth.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

There are various ones. It can very much depend upon the bottom in question. As I've stated prior, I do very much enjoy fear being the response. Fear, like power and control, are hot to Me. If going on that path, yes, I want it to frighten you, in a sense.

There's also the part about reaffirming trust. Yes, I want you to get to the other side of the scene. I want you to see that the fear was unfounded. That, even though you may have allowed your mind to doubt that trust, even for just a bit, when the whole thing is over, that trust is even stronger because the fear really was only in your mind.

It actually can be a bonding experience.


It's usually very difficult for someone I'm romantically involved with to elicit fear in me, except for a couple of triggers that aren't generally associated with S/M or bondage or other kinky aspects. Even those tend to fade as trust is built. I stunt-bottomed in a class one time, and the instructor really stomped on my fight-or-flight buttons. My eyes went wide, my heart was racing, and I was so panicked that I nearly tore away from her and ran across the room. I was able to remind myself that she knew what she was doing, and mostly calmed down, but she still frightened me a bit (deliberately) a couple of times during the demo. Afterward, several of the people in the class came up and said it was really hot, and it was a bit. I just don't tend to have that kind of heart-pounding terror once I've gotten to know someone.

I attended a different class, on singletails, and the instructor said that the singletail always inspires fear. The noise sometimes startles me a bit, but I had a very positive introduction to it, and have loved every scene since that has involved them, even when I was sobbing my eyes out. It can be cathartic, and hurt, but in a way that felt good to me at the time.

I haven't engaged in cutting knife play, and would prefer not to, unless we decide ahead of time on the design. Granted, cutting play doesn't always scar, but that is always a possibility, and so I'd rather not have random cuts. So far, even a very sharp blade hasn't induced any fear in me.

I was nervous about needles, because of a previous bad experience with them (I nearly fainted, probably due to a combination of the position I was in causing circulation issues, and blood sugar issues). When my Master used some on me a couple of months ago, it felt lovely, and I wasn't scared at all.

So, I'm curious how people who are already *in* relationships can draw out that fear from someone who trusts them enough that a mindfuck isn't likely to get the desired reaction. If you do succeed in actually scaring the person, do you need to make sure that they're bound securely to avoid them accidentally hurting themselves or you, or just breaking away and running?



Whiplashsmile4 -> RE: Spinoff: fear play and trust (2/9/2010 11:15:37 PM)

quote:

It's usually very difficult for someone I'm romantically involved with to elicit fear in me, except for a couple of triggers that aren't generally associated with S/M or bondage or other kinky aspects. Even those tend to fade as trust is built.

Well said.




allthatjaz -> RE: Spinoff: fear play and trust (2/10/2010 1:07:40 AM)

Hi Andalusite, thanks for starting a good topic.
Why can my partner frighten me? Because he knows me so well. He knows exactly what triggers to push and at what moment to push them. He does have the ability to make me believe that he is really angry and I know that he is capable of acting on his word. He never fools around and makes worthless threats. His threats are real and he is not going to tread softly, softly. When he scenes with me he is not only a physical sadist but a mental one too. He will happily push me to the edge again and again.

An example of this is... I mentioned to him about being kidnapped. I had always had a vision in my head of how it would be because I had listened to others who had been through it but Steve had other ideas
There was nothing sensual or erotic about it. There was no game plan on my part. This was as close to the real thing as he could possibly take me. This was real fear, real confusion, real head fuck.
At one point I laughed hysterically but that was shortly followed by wailing sobs and pleads to let me go.
I imagined my rescuers coming to get me and I concentrated on gnawing off my beautifully manicured fingernails whilst I waited for them. I believed he had gone insane, lost the plot.
I felt so many emotions. I felt hate, anger, numbness and I felt a great longing to survive. I felt fear in its rawest state.
I know with S that I must be careful what I ask for! I know he will always do it his way and not mine but then thats what I love about him.
I also know that he would never really hurt me but thats in the cold light of day and not when something is going off. With something like this he can fuck with my head but he knows me better than any other living person. He knows how far he can take me and he knows expertly how to bring me back.

When I got into a relationship with S I very quickly found out that he had the ability to take me beyond any place I had ever been. I spent years as a dominant and years putting together good interrogation scenes and head fucks. I thought I knew just about every trick in the book and I thought it would be impossible for someone to instill real fear in me. I presumed too much.
Whilst Steve can be the most loving man in the world he is still capable of instilling real fear in me and whilst I know thats not what everyone wants, I love it and wouldn't want it any other way.

You mentioned about needles and that kind of surprised me because I have never used or had needles used on me for fear play. Its always been for a deeply bonding and spiritual experience.



littlewonder -> RE: Spinoff: fear play and trust (2/10/2010 6:02:49 AM)

There are times when He elicits fear in me even though I completely trust him and that's exactly WHY he elicits fear in me; I know he'll follow through on the things he says. There's no mindfuck really involved because they're not just things said to scare me but a very real possibility that I'll be encountering what he says and some of  those things scare the living daylights out of me.




littlebitxxx -> RE: Spinoff: fear play and trust (2/10/2010 7:06:44 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Andalusite

This came up a lot in the knife play thread, but I think it applies to a *lot* of different aspects of D/s, S/M, and so forth.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

There are various ones. It can very much depend upon the bottom in question. As I've stated prior, I do very much enjoy fear being the response. Fear, like power and control, are hot to Me. If going on that path, yes, I want it to frighten you, in a sense.

There's also the part about reaffirming trust. Yes, I want you to get to the other side of the scene. I want you to see that the fear was unfounded. That, even though you may have allowed your mind to doubt that trust, even for just a bit, when the whole thing is over, that trust is even stronger because the fear really was only in your mind.

It actually can be a bonding experience.


It's usually very difficult for someone I'm romantically involved with to elicit fear in me, except for a couple of triggers that aren't generally associated with S/M or bondage or other kinky aspects. Even those tend to fade as trust is built. I stunt-bottomed in a class one time, and the instructor really stomped on my fight-or-flight buttons. My eyes went wide, my heart was racing, and I was so panicked that I nearly tore away from her and ran across the room. I was able to remind myself that she knew what she was doing, and mostly calmed down, but she still frightened me a bit (deliberately) a couple of times during the demo. Afterward, several of the people in the class came up and said it was really hot, and it was a bit. I just don't tend to have that kind of heart-pounding terror once I've gotten to know someone.

I attended a different class, on singletails, and the instructor said that the singletail always inspires fear. The noise sometimes startles me a bit, but I had a very positive introduction to it, and have loved every scene since that has involved them, even when I was sobbing my eyes out. It can be cathartic, and hurt, but in a way that felt good to me at the time.

I haven't engaged in cutting knife play, and would prefer not to, unless we decide ahead of time on the design. Granted, cutting play doesn't always scar, but that is always a possibility, and so I'd rather not have random cuts. So far, even a very sharp blade hasn't induced any fear in me.

I was nervous about needles, because of a previous bad experience with them (I nearly fainted, probably due to a combination of the position I was in causing circulation issues, and blood sugar issues). When my Master used some on me a couple of months ago, it felt lovely, and I wasn't scared at all.

So, I'm curious how people who are already *in* relationships can draw out that fear from someone who trusts them enough that a mindfuck isn't likely to get the desired reaction. If you do succeed in actually scaring the person, do you need to make sure that they're bound securely to avoid them accidentally hurting themselves or you, or just breaking away and running?



This one will be watching for others' answers to the bolded part.  she has always had the same question/problem.



agirl -> RE: Spinoff: fear play and trust (2/10/2010 7:07:13 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Andalusite


So, I'm curious how people who are already *in* relationships can draw out that fear from someone who trusts them enough that a mindfuck isn't likely to get the desired reaction. If you do succeed in actually scaring the person, do you need to make sure that they're bound securely to avoid them accidentally hurting themselves or you, or just breaking away and running?



Well, I DO trust that he won't maim me horribly, or kill me ....lol

Mindfucks could ONLY work with me , if the possibility of it happening is real, if I KNOW that he's capable of it and would do it.

The fact that I know what he's capable of can be a little terrifying.  A simple request to * go up and strip* can mean ANYTHING.  I wouldn't know if he's decided to brand my arse, pierce me, hang me up, hit me, fuck me,  stick needles in me or watch TV...........all I know is that he can and would do all and any.

From experience I can trust that I'm not going to die, but from experience I also know that I might very well be suffering in some way very shortly.

Like allthatjazz....I don't have any security that things I've mentioned will happen how they were envisaged in my head.  As long as he knows I'm not deeply opposed to something, it *could* occur, and as I'm not *deeply opposed* to many things, apart from dying or the above mentioned *horrible maiming*, I have pretty good reason to be at the LEAST, rather apprehensive.

agirl





allthatjaz -> RE: Spinoff: fear play and trust (2/10/2010 7:54:18 AM)

agirl, I know completely where your coming from and all I can say is thank god he can instill that fear in me!!

S has a good brain. He's a quick thinker, strongly holds his own in a debate and isn't afraid to be forthright with what he's thinking but there's a physical strength to this too.
Before I got with S I didn't really believe that men where that much stronger than women. I always thought I could fight a man and one our very first experiences was me pushing him to take me if he could! Its been a real wake up call for me to suddenly understand that S can pick me up and throw me over his shoulder with ease and that if I do try to struggle I don't stand a chance. Knowing that strength does add to my fears because I know that he could snap me like a sparrow if he wanted to. His physical strength protects me but it also makes me fearful at times because I know he's not afraid to use it to get what he wants. I will add to that, that I wouldn't want it any other way. The only reason he got me is because he doesn't take any of my bullshit and I can no more wrap him around my little finger than I could train my cat to bark.



afterforever -> RE: Spinoff: fear play and trust (2/10/2010 10:52:58 AM)

Pretty much what the others have said, fear play worked with me because there was a serious possibility that he would actually follow through on what I thought was happening. He didn't always, but sometimes he really did cut me, light the match, aim for my clit, leave me alone and tied up, etc etc. I don't think the mind-fuck would work with me if I didn't know there was the possibility.

And despite the fact that a certain amount of pain turns me on, past that it just really fucking hurts, it feels great after, but there's always a bit of trepidation at least beforehand, because I never knew how far he was going to go. Obviously if he's just whipping me he isn't going to do any serious damage, there's no reason to feel scared on that front, but the anticipation of the pain and how long it's going to go on for still makes me nervous.



agirl -> RE: Spinoff: fear play and trust (2/10/2010 11:27:10 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz

agirl, I know completely where your coming from and all I can say is thank god he can instill that fear in me!!

S has a good brain. He's a quick thinker, strongly holds his own in a debate and isn't afraid to be forthright with what he's thinking but there's a physical strength to this too.
Before I got with S I didn't really believe that men where that much stronger than women. I always thought I could fight a man and one our very first experiences was me pushing him to take me if he could! Its been a real wake up call for me to suddenly understand that S can pick me up and throw me over his shoulder with ease and that if I do try to struggle I don't stand a chance. Knowing that strength does add to my fears because I know that he could snap me like a sparrow if he wanted to. His physical strength protects me but it also makes me fearful at times because I know he's not afraid to use it to get what he wants. I will add to that, that I wouldn't want it any other way. The only reason he got me is because he doesn't take any of my bullshit and I can no more wrap him around my little finger than I could train my cat to bark.


It'd be a disaster if I stood any chance of wrapping M around my little finger. I've had a lifetime of quietly doing what I want. I'm cute, I learned as a child that I could *get away* with things because people couldn't bear to challenge me. Who'd want to push someone as sweet as me? Well, basically, no-one,..........until I met M.

I AM sweet , I AM cute , I AM nice.....but I'm also stubborn, quietly willful and defiant in the wrong hands.

I also thought I could get my way with anyone, not in a physical way, as my partners have always been huge men , but with smiles,  certain looks, winsome behaviour, arguements, strops, sulks and so on..... As M would say , * It's SO rewarding when you're happy, and so horribly NOT when you're miz*. It just took someone to do what's best, who could be immune to me being miz, for me to be bloody GLAD. Not glad in the moment , but just glad overall. At last, someone who MEANS * NO!* when they say NO.

M outdoes me in every area...bigger, stronger, more stubborn , impossible to manipulate and has me always slightly apprehensive. That's no mean feat.

agirl





sexyred1 -> RE: Spinoff: fear play and trust (2/10/2010 11:43:26 AM)

I cannot really fear someone I am involved with from a psychological point of view. He would know me and my fantasies and we play them out. If something goes awry or not well, ok, move on.

However....with that said....when I do feel fear is when someone is doing something physical that they have no knowledge of, such as whipping or using a cane on certain parts of your body and worst of all, which I actually experienced, when someone does not listen to NO during a time when you are really seriously saying NO about a particular act that was far too painful or something I really did not want to do again because I feared for my actual safety, not my mental state.

That made me a bit scared to trust that person ever again even after I voiced my concerns and he did it again. Such incredible selfishness and ignorance is what scares me.



chamberqueen -> RE: Spinoff: fear play and trust (2/10/2010 1:48:31 PM)

For me, the fear doesn't come with the physical but from situations where I feel that it is "no win".  Because I am typically so unshakable I am sometimes put into situations where it feels like there is no right answer, and since I can't stand to choose incorrectly it puts great fear into me.  It typically ends up with my Master laughing and holding me tight when he sees me get to the frantic state - something I almost never do.  Then I know it was only for his sadistic enjoyment, and meant for my growth, and I can settle back down.

A "mind" fuck can be just that - not just a game from one person's mind but one that truly involves nothing more than the mind of the other person.  For me, those are the most frightening.  Faced with a new physical challenge I just submit no matter how frightened I am.  Knowing that there is no right way to handle a situation is what really works me over.



Wolf2Bear -> RE: Spinoff: fear play and trust (2/10/2010 1:55:00 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Andalusite

So, I'm curious how people who are already *in* relationships can draw out that fear from someone who trusts them enough that a mindfuck isn't likely to get the desired reaction. If you do succeed in actually scaring the person, do you need to make sure that they're bound securely to avoid them accidentally hurting themselves or you, or just breaking away and running?


I don't know about you but it's but I've found that even with a partner who I do trust very much, there is also the realization that any sort if fear play when doing a mind fuck scene is still possible based on the fact that your partner has gained a better understanding of what makes you tick and knows to a good degree what your baser fears are.
As a relationship grows, one gradually learns many, if not most, of what we fear and don't care to speak about other then to a close and trusted friend/lover/partner. In a D/s based relationship and with clear discussion and willingness to explore that area, your dominant partner can create excellent fear based play that is born from your inner most fears. This is where I see the best mindfucks happening thoiugh that is done with communication and a clear understanding to what is agreed upon which pertains to the scene being created.



allthatjaz -> RE: Spinoff: fear play and trust (2/10/2010 2:25:37 PM)



Fear play is not about not listening to NO when you really mean it and its not about someone inexperienced hitting you in the wrong place.

Fear play is about getting in someones head rather than someones body. I know I said about physical but if my mind wasn't with him then I don't connect on any level.
Its about playing on someones fears and in my opinion the better you know them, the more effectively you can do this.
Think about real interrogators. They get to know their subject well enough to know which buttons to press because they have to know where their fears are.
People who are not into fear play will not understand this.






Andalusite -> RE: Spinoff: fear play and trust (2/11/2010 7:31:31 PM)

Jaz, abduction or rape play, especially if I wasn't certain that it was him, could definitely trigger genuine fear in me. I haven't really explored roleplaying or mindfuck type of play much. Most of the mindfuck and roleplaying scenes I've seen or heard about seemed a bit stilted and artificial. I guess I'm having a hard time seeing how if I'm in the bedroom, knowing he's going to hurt me and pleasure me in various ways, that he could push me into that place of fear without doing things that would actually cause permanent damage. If I wasn't expecting it at all, it would be a lot easier to genuinely frighten me. I could definitely see fear as being very hot in the right circumstances, from the little experience I do have with exploring it, but most of my partners haven't chosen to go there.

I guess I've felt rather fortunate that most of the "scary sounding" things like knives, canes, single-tails, etc. were introduced to me in a positive way - even when I was crying my eyes out, I didn't feel scared or like they were out of control. I'm sometimes a fairly heavy bottom, at other times, just a simple handspanking has left me crying my eyes out. I generally figure that he can make me love or hate almost anything he's hurting me with, depending on how warmed up I am, how he's using it on me, etc. I've had a sharp knife held to my throat and other sensitive bits, but I trusted the person doing it not to actually harm me, so I just kind of lay there glowing at him.

I didn't mean that needles were used on me in a fear play scene, but because I fainted the only other time they'd been used on me, I was worried about trying again (even though I have no problem donating blood). One of my previous partners *was* very scared of needles though, to the point where visits to the dr. office for shots or blood testing was very difficult for him. So, we did some play with them to desensitise him to them, at his request.

My Master is a lot taller than I am, and a bit stronger, but we're close enough (especially since I have more training in martial arts and *like* pain) that I need to be a bit careful of him. I've dated and sparred with several guys who are overwhelmingly bigger and stronger than I am, and a friend of mine can hold me over his head, sitting in the palm of one hand. I *know* I'm small, and a lot of guys are much better than I am at fighting.

agirl and afterforever, I'm not frightened by any of those possibilities. I'd prefer not to get permanent marks without discussing it ahead of time, but it's not a limit with my Master. I've been hurt more than feels good/turns me on lots of times - if it's by someone I feel submissive toward, it usually still feels good emotionally, or sometimes I just feel tough/proud of myself for taking it. Sometimes something hurts more than I think I can bear, and I might flinch away, or try to shield myself (if my hands are free), or struggle to get loose. I'm not scared, it just hurts! If it continues, I tend to withdraw into myself and kind of go numb and tune it out, rather than getting fearful. Usually my partners don't take me to that point, or choose to back off, but it's not a limit for me to continue when I'm in that headspace.

chamberqueen, I could definitely see that getting very confusing and upsetting! I don't think I'd work myself into that state very easily with him, since he's made it pretty clear so far that even if I mess up or fail, he doesn't get mad as long as I'm trying my best, and communicating with him. There are a few things that I've really struggled with before, and couldn't do, but he's been patient with the "baby steps" until I was able to do them. If he seemed genuinely disappointed in me and upset with me, I don't think I'd be scared exactly, but I'd feel very guilty and ashamed.

W2B, it's easy for someone I don't trust to scare me, but I'm having some trouble figuring out how it would work for someone I *do* trust to scare me in ways that wouldn't damage the trust - and I'd be less likely to feel that way with him in the first place.



allthatjaz -> RE: Spinoff: fear play and trust (2/12/2010 1:43:45 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Andalusite

Jaz, abduction or rape play, especially if I wasn't certain that it was him, could definitely trigger genuine fear in me. I haven't really explored roleplaying or mindfuck type of play much. Most of the mindfuck and roleplaying scenes I've seen or heard about seemed a bit stilted and artificial. I guess I'm having a hard time seeing how if I'm in the bedroom, knowing he's going to hurt me and pleasure me in various ways, that he could push me into that place of fear without doing things that would actually cause permanent damage. If I wasn't expecting it at all, it would be a lot easier to genuinely frighten me. I could definitely see fear as being very hot in the right circumstances, from the little experience I do have with exploring it, but most of my partners haven't chosen to go there.



I agree. Most of the mindfuck scenes do sound stilted and artificial but your right about the act of surprise. The kind of scenario where your sleeping snugly with your partner to be woken suddenly to find a sack of some sort has been put over your head and your being dragged across the floor. No voice tells you its him and your still groggy and disorientated from your sleep.
This kind of thing can freak the bravest or the most trusting of people out. It may really piss you off, frighten you literally to death or it may put you in a fearful enough head space that the ball can start rolling but its this kind of thing where your partner needs to be able to anticipate your reactions and your coping mechanisms.

Steve can put fear in me by asking me an impossible questions and demanding I answer them. If I can't answer him in 5,4,3,2,1 there is going to be consequences. There is no second chances, no coercing or manipulating the question, no time to think straight and the act of being put in an impossible situation does instill fear in me
I think its a very difficult thing to understand if its never happened to you. Its the difference between joking around and saying 'do that one more time and I'm going to whip your ass' and having to stand in front of him looking serious and getting my words right because one wrong move or uncontrollable giggle is really going to get me in serious trouble!
Some may say 'thats not fear play' but to me it very much is and that kind of fear play is just as effective on me, perhaps more than him putting a knife to my throat or putting a sack over my head when I am sleeping. Anything that makes you feel like your heart is pounding and your legs start wobbling is fear but its good fear and certainly in my opinion very memorably hot.



quote:


I guess I've felt rather fortunate that most of the "scary sounding" things like knives, canes, single-tails, etc. were introduced to me in a positive way - even when I was crying my eyes out, I didn't feel scared or like they were out of control. I'm sometimes a fairly heavy bottom, at other times, just a simple handspanking has left me crying my eyes out. I generally figure that he can make me love or hate almost anything he's hurting me with, depending on how warmed up I am, how he's using it on me, etc. I've had a sharp knife held to my throat and other sensitive bits, but I trusted the person doing it not to actually harm me, so I just kind of lay there glowing at him.


Like you, all of these things have been introduced to me on a very trusting level. Knives, canes, single-tails and all the rest don't instill fear in me but the person who is wielding them may do. Its not what he's using but his verbal interaction that creates that fear.

quote:


I didn't mean that needles were used on me in a fear play scene, but because I fainted the only other time they'd been used on me, I was worried about trying again (even though I have no problem donating blood). One of my previous partners *was* very scared of needles though, to the point where visits to the dr. office for shots or blood testing was very difficult for him. So, we did some play with them to desensitise him to them, at his request.


Needles were one of my biggest phobias and two of my favorite needle bunnies were initially needle phobics. If someone had ever approached me or them with needles as a fear play then it would of confounded our phobia. I think of things like needles as getting over fear.







Andalusite -> RE: Spinoff: fear play and trust (2/17/2010 6:20:26 PM)

I talked it over with my Master, and we both feel that it wouldn't be a good idea to do fear play to that degree, (making me think he's someone else) since it's likely that I'd hurt myself, him, or both.



aldompdx -> RE: Spinoff: fear play and trust (2/20/2010 10:34:55 AM)

Fear is of the unknown. The more operative question is how much one has repressed their fear, or, how ignorant one is in the activity they choose. E.g., 116 people die every day in U.S. automobile accidents, and since 2001, less than 1 person per day has died in a U.S. airline terrorist event. Yet, more people fear flying than driving.

Trust is more often misplaced than it is breached. Patience is a virtue. Gain confidence through experience over time.

Fear is proportional to doubt, and inversely proportional to confidence. Fear as stress can also be enhanced through pattern anticipation,



Lorenzo19 -> RE: Spinoff: fear play and trust (2/20/2010 1:43:19 PM)

quote:

If you do succeed in actually scaring the person, do you need to make sure that they're bound securely to avoid them accidentally hurting themselves or you, or just breaking away and running?


I think what I am going to write here is a new perspective on the OP inquiry.

just writing an introduction email to a novice submissive can inspire fear in her simply because My experience and confidence is intimidating. I'm talking about a nice sweet friendly email with nothing to do with D/s. Likewise I could pull out a really big new clamp in a scene and inspire fear. Another poster suggesting that just being told to strip could inspire fear.

For Me inspiring fear is never the objective, but becomes the result sometimes. You can't have them in bondage in all cases prior to instilling fear.

I see fear as a weakness on the part of a submissive. I also find it a major turn off for Me. The submissive cannot get into subspace because she is pumping adreniline.

To answer the question now: To avoid all the bad consequences of a fearful submissive she must be trained to not have fear of the Dominant. This only comes from experience, trust in the Dominant, and self-confidence. I must help her to learn these things. Deliberately scaring the poor girl might backfire on Me by causing her to panic and run into the street naked. Rather than trying to go fast by deliberately scaring the holy crap out of her, I prefer to go slowly; building her trust and self-confidence a little bit at a time. I'm in no hurry.



agirl -> RE: Spinoff: fear play and trust (2/21/2010 7:24:57 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lorenzo19

quote:

If you do succeed in actually scaring the person, do you need to make sure that they're bound securely to avoid them accidentally hurting themselves or you, or just breaking away and running?


I think what I am going to write here is a new perspective on the OP inquiry.

just writing an introduction email to a novice submissive can inspire fear in her simply because My experience and confidence is intimidating. I'm talking about a nice sweet friendly email with nothing to do with D/s. Likewise I could pull out a really big new clamp in a scene and inspire fear. Another poster suggesting that just being told to strip could inspire fear.

For Me inspiring fear is never the objective, but becomes the result sometimes. You can't have them in bondage in all cases prior to instilling fear.

I see fear as a weakness on the part of a submissive. I also find it a major turn off for Me. The submissive cannot get into subspace because she is pumping adreniline.

To answer the question now: To avoid all the bad consequences of a fearful submissive she must be trained to not have fear of the Dominant. This only comes from experience, trust in the Dominant, and self-confidence. I must help her to learn these things. Deliberately scaring the poor girl might backfire on Me by causing her to panic and run into the street naked. Rather than trying to go fast by deliberately scaring the holy crap out of her, I prefer to go slowly; building her trust and self-confidence a little bit at a time. I'm in no hurry.


This is because it's not your aim though, Lorenzo. It's not something you flirt with.

I'm not afraid of M.

I have to have the utmost confidence in him to be afraid of "what may happen" and still step toward him. Experience over many years overwhelmingly informs me that I will not die, I will not be horribly maimed and whatever happens, I will come out the other side with something akin to elation.

I am still afraid when I see a packet of needles on the side........he's not going to wave them in front of me and put them away. He's going to use them......and I don't know where, or how. He may decide to pierce my labia, I have no good reason for him NOT to........but that doesn't mean I'm going to bound toward him looking forward to it . I know it hurts!

AFTERWARDS, is a completely different story.....I am through it, it's over.........I could ALMOST ask for it again......because of the WHOLE experience.

It's like the Ghost Train at the Fairground when you're small........You're terrified, but you know nothing awful is going to happen to you...... you sit there, clutching your best friend's hand, you want to get off but you want to know what it's like......you want to do it......And then you burst out the otherside into sunshine and you're laughing and relieved..............and part of you never wants to do it again and another part keeps eyeing up the queue.

agirl











Smutmonger -> RE: Spinoff: fear play and trust (2/21/2010 8:05:03 AM)

There's a world of difference between hurt and harm. A creative,competent sadist can really put the boots to you-and not do actual harm.

So there is an element of evil involved here. Someone you know enjoys you,and enjoys making you suffer-while still respecting you as a human being.



Page: [1] 2   next >   >>

Valid CSS!




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy
0.046875