RE: Background checks on Potentials? Wrong or not? (Full Version)

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[Poll]

Background checks on Potentials? Wrong or not?


Yes it is Wrong
  26% (13)
No it is Right
  74% (37)
Only if your a dominant doing the background check.
  0% (0)
Only if your a submissive doing the background check
  0% (0)


Total Votes : 50
(last vote on : 3/11/2012 9:23:56 AM)
(Poll will run till: -- )


Message

AquaticSub -> RE: Background checks on Potentials? Wrong or not? (2/13/2010 12:46:48 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissSarahTS

quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeffff

Who checks the checkers?



The checkee



Bad system, IMHO. Should be an objective and uninvolved party.



Phoenixpower -> RE: Background checks on Potentials? Wrong or not? (2/13/2010 12:49:54 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

quote:

All unreliable if they've never been caught.


Exactly, which is why getting to know their friends and family... pretty telling! If they have none, that is even more of a red flag.



That would not be a red flag to me...

My family is very limited and I am not someone who names someone easily as a "friend." A mate or a colleague...ok....but a friend...that takes time!!!

On top of that I moved between 3 countries a lot with the last few years and which limited my contacts further down a fair bit (though the ones I have I adore to bits and know that we certainly help each other when necessary)

However, some people are happier with less contact to other people or their family and prefer a quiet life...

So I would be careful to use the word "friends" as some people use that word far too easily...

last but not least even that can be faked...just pay for a few escorts to say a few nice things about you...he or she will do it quite easily [:)]









AquaticSub -> RE: Background checks on Potentials? Wrong or not? (2/13/2010 12:50:18 PM)

~Fast Reply~

At the risk of derailing but...

For those who run backchecks - is this something you do for everyone or just those you meet online?



Jeffff -> RE: Background checks on Potentials? Wrong or not? (2/13/2010 12:50:32 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: TexasMaam

I trust My instincts. I also trust My judgement.

Ergo, if he tells me I can't run a BGC, I tell him thanks but no thanks.

That's part of using My instincts AND My judgement.

And I believe I made it clear that personal references and life history would come next.

After a background check.

That's My perogative.

TM


I can't argue with that. to me it is like a safe word and a safe call. Both are meaningless if the other person doesn't really give a shit.


Jeff



purelea2003 -> RE: Background checks on Potentials? Wrong or not? (2/13/2010 12:53:18 PM)

this is a fast reply - aimed at no one in particular

Apparently, many of you have never been lied to by a sociopath or habitual liar. I have. I've known people that lie so much they probably don't remember what truth is. One of those people was my half brother and I'm here to say most people never knew when he was lieing. Trust in my world is earned - not automatic. I'm very much in favor of background checks for people that might be relocating to me. On top of that, I would expect the person I'm checking to pay for the check. Requesting picture ID isn't out of line on a first meeting either. As far as getting to know their family and friends - will family and close friends tell the bad stuff?



KatyLied -> RE: Background checks on Potentials? Wrong or not? (2/13/2010 12:53:39 PM)

If I felt a need to background check someone (as in:  I do not trust what they tell me, they are not forthcoming with info, I sense bad stuff), then I have no business meeting them, and really no interest in meeting them.



AquaticSub -> RE: Background checks on Potentials? Wrong or not? (2/13/2010 12:53:40 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

quote:

All unreliable if they've never been caught.


Exactly, which is why getting to know their friends and family... pretty telling! If they have none, that is even more of a red flag.



I agree with that in theory. *chuckles*

In practice though... I hung out with a boyfriend and his family for a week. His parents had known me for six years as said man and I had met and been friends since we were freshmen in high school.

Neither his mother, stepfather or sister thought they should mention the fact that he had been engaged for months to a chick across the country that he hadn't mention to anyone but a choice few. [:'(]

Finding out was a fun night... Speaking of, he'd have a perfectly clean background as well.



TexasMaam -> RE: Background checks on Potentials? Wrong or not? (2/13/2010 12:55:19 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

~Fast Reply~

At the risk of derailing but...

For those who run backchecks - is this something you do for everyone or just those you meet online?


generally speaking - those I've met online. If I have met a potential sub real time we usually have enough common denominators and mutual friends or professional associates to bypass that hurdle.

I have, in fact, asked such a real time potential for a background check and was surprised at the results. I was thankful I ran the check, he'd been arrested 4 times for family violence and had several DUI's. Not anyone I'd invest time or energy in. I gracefully declined getting to know him further. He was disappointed and asked for the opportunity to explain. I gave him that opportunity and still decided against pursuing the relationship further.

The chips fall where they fall.

TM



MissSarahTS -> RE: Background checks on Potentials? Wrong or not? (2/13/2010 12:56:02 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

~Fast Reply~

At the risk of derailing but...

For those who run backchecks - is this something you do for everyone or just those you meet online?




For me online only.  Part of the reason why i think that back ground checks are becoming popular. I'll let facial movements and body gestures be the judge for people i meet in RL. Also the first 10 seconds you meet someone lets you get basic judgments about them. Don't have that ability with online. Not even with webcams.



AquaticSub -> RE: Background checks on Potentials? Wrong or not? (2/13/2010 12:57:40 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: purelea2003

this is a fast reply - aimed at no one in particular

Apparently, many of you have never been lied to by a sociopath or habitual liar. I have. I've known people that lie so much they probably don't remember what truth is. One of those people was my half brother and I'm here to say most people never knew when he was lieing. Trust in my world is earned - not automatic. I'm very much in favor of background checks for people that might be relocating to me. On top of that, I would expect the person I'm checking to pay for the check. Requesting picture ID isn't out of line on a first meeting either. As far as getting to know their family and friends - will family and close friends tell the bad stuff?


I agree with you about trust.

And you have to do things as you feel comfortable. However, I assume you will pay for the other person to do the background on you as well. After all, they shouldn't be trusting you either.

I regard a background check as something you do if you distrust the person. And that's something I don't do automatically with a person I'm seriously considering meeting.



AquaticSub -> RE: Background checks on Potentials? Wrong or not? (2/13/2010 1:00:22 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissSarahTS

For me online only.  Part of the reason why i think that back ground checks are becoming popular. I'll let facial movements and body gestures be the judge for people i meet in RL. Also the first 10 seconds you meet someone lets you get basic judgments about them. Don't have that ability with online. Not even with webcams.



I'm sorry but I regard that as hypocritical and quite silly. If you are truly running these checks to avoid violence and danger, you should be running them on everyone. Serial killers have to be charming to get their victims alone after all.



KatyLied -> RE: Background checks on Potentials? Wrong or not? (2/13/2010 1:01:15 PM)

A background check is not going to dx things like a personality disorder or various other things.  There is nothing that takes the place of knowing someone over a period of time and in varying circumstances.  I think to  trust a background check alone would leave you open to falling into a false sense of security.



AquaticSub -> RE: Background checks on Potentials? Wrong or not? (2/13/2010 1:03:40 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: TexasMaam

generally speaking - those I've met online. If I have met a potential sub real time we usually have enough common denominators and mutual friends or professional associates to bypass that hurdle.



While you will, and should, do what makes you comfortable I just can't agree with that as logical. Not every dangerous person seems dangerous or is lacking in friends who are willing to vouch for how harmless they are. I don't think it's so uncommon for friends to be completely shocked when someone they know hurts another person.



TexasMaam -> RE: Background checks on Potentials? Wrong or not? (2/13/2010 1:05:04 PM)

welllllllll you're not reading My entire post. TM



Phoenixpower -> RE: Background checks on Potentials? Wrong or not? (2/13/2010 1:05:05 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: purelea2003

this is a fast reply - aimed at no one in particular

Apparently, many of you have never been lied to by a sociopath or habitual liar.


I hope that you are aware of it that you are making an assumption here [8|]
And it would be interesting to know how you came to that conclusion???

Just because I was my whole life involved with very manipulative people does not make me feel the need to check others out with official documents...its again..using your guts and your eyes...listening in between the lines...

And regarding another comment about background check if relocating...well, if my current involvement and I would decide to move on then I would be put through that whole background check anyway as otherwise I would not get the visa to live with him. So if someone would relocate from abroad and need a visa for it, then others already do it anyway.



AquaticSub -> RE: Background checks on Potentials? Wrong or not? (2/13/2010 1:07:21 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: TexasMaam

welllllllll you're not reading My entire post. TM


You are mistaken. I did read your entire post. Sometimes you check those you meet in real life but you always check those you meet online.

Just isn't logical.



juliaoceania -> RE: Background checks on Potentials? Wrong or not? (2/13/2010 1:10:12 PM)

quote:

Speaking of, he'd have a perfectly clean background as well.
[8|]

Exactly

Perhaps I forgot what it was to be young and impetuous? A week of hanging out with someone really doesn't tell you much, and there are people who do despicable things after living 20 years as impeccable citizens... which is why I wouldn't bother with a background check... 



TexasMaam -> RE: Background checks on Potentials? Wrong or not? (2/13/2010 1:10:16 PM)

who said they trust a background check exclusively? Certainly not Me.

It happens to be one of the first tools that I use to filter out deal breakers.

One of the first tools.... Not the only tool.

TM



Jeffff -> RE: Background checks on Potentials? Wrong or not? (2/13/2010 1:11:38 PM)

hahahaha...."tool"........[8D]



Jeffwey



zephyroftheNorth -> RE: Background checks on Potentials? Wrong or not? (2/13/2010 1:13:07 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: TexasMaam

I trust My instincts. I also trust My judgement.

Ergo, if he tells me I can't run a BGC, I tell him thanks but no thanks.

That's part of using My instincts AND My judgement.

And I believe I made it clear that personal references and life history would come next.

After a background check.

That's My perogative.

TM


....and what about the guy who says sure no prob because although he's done lots of nasty things he has never been caught? As julia said, there is nothing to beat meeting those in his life, it'll tell you more than a background check will.

Of course it's your perrogative but let me ask you this, how's it working for you?

zeph



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