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RE: Would you ever meet a Dom that learned everything h... - 2/13/2010 6:41:26 PM   
ourmsbetty


Posts: 266
Joined: 9/4/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: winterlight

I have had one Dom not from Cm tell me don't get with somebody that hasn't had a mentor or had some training..

That is why i wondered what others had done.


One person's opinion is not the whole world.

What exactly is standard "training" supposed to be in your mind, or in your advisor's?

We've had the internet for a couple of decades. Kink has been around for hundreds, maybe longer. What do you think people did before the web? Before there were munches and clubs with their address published?

When I started being seriously interested in kink (as in tying up and paddling my boyfriend) I was not quite old enough to drive, America Online was the be all and end all of the internet and the computer was in the dining room. Web searches were out. If there were clubs I'd have had no idea where to have found them and I wasn't getting near an adult book store. Mentor? I didn't even know there were other people out there who did this stuff. Anything I learned I learned on my own.

Was it the best way to learn? Possibly not, but it did work. Since then I have ventured out, learned more, found real life clubs and much reading material, but you know what? Most of what I've learned best is still what I've discovered myself, not what someone has stood over my shoulder and told me how to do.

Yes, some type of education before starting is necessary, but a mentor is not. As has been pointed out so many times here, we all start somewhere.

Where did you start? How would you have felt if you were rejected for not having any real time experience? How would you have gotten anywhere if someone wasn't willing to take a chance and let you try?

(in reply to winterlight)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Would you ever meet a Dom that learned everything h... - 2/13/2010 6:46:50 PM   
AnimusRex


Posts: 2165
Joined: 5/13/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: winterlight
Would you ever meet a Dom that learned everything he knows by going into chat rooms, talking to people online, learned that way BUT has never had a mentor, been to a munch or a dungeon?


Kim did, and we are now getting married.

I think this notion of Doms needing a mentor is a bit misapplied, like the word "training". Both these words refer to things that are skills, like shooting a gun, or needle play.

Domination is really a relationship skill, and doesn't really lend itself to teaching or mentoring, at least with us guys. I don't really see guys sitting around talking about their "relationship" (Gawd!) and discussing proper ways of getting a girl to obey or something. The rules of how Domination works really vary greatly from couple to couple anyway, so what works with you won't work with her.

I agree with DesFIP that chat rooms are not a good source of fact, and as long as he understands that, and is aware of his own inexperience, then he should be ok.

(in reply to winterlight)
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RE: Would you ever meet a Dom that learned everything h... - 2/13/2010 6:58:07 PM   
AnimusRex


Posts: 2165
Joined: 5/13/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

quote:

ORIGINAL: winterlight
I have had one Dom not from Cm tell me don't get with somebody that hasn't had a mentor or had some training..

That person sounds like a self appointed know-it-all who probably has little experience himself... I could be wrong, but most of those touting that people can't be kinky without someone else telling them how every step of the way are usually not what they purport themselves to be....


The same guy who probably goes around writing message threads on the Twelve Pillars Of Honourable Domination...

[yeah, "Honor" spelled with a "u" cuz it sounds classier that way]

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Would you ever meet a Dom that learned everything h... - 2/13/2010 6:58:41 PM   
PrincessDonna


Posts: 189
Joined: 7/7/2006
Status: offline 		I never had a "mentor" I just know I have a DOMME personality and each relationship is different,when there is something I need to know that is going to make a difference in my relationship BDSM wise I have no problem taking a class,rope tying, I still need to find out more about "caning" but since my ultimate goal in NOT punishment I have put it off.Do I think someone can be a 'good" Dom without a Mentor? Of course I doBut I always do a face to face interview and discuss the desires and goals of who I'mgetting involved with.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Would you ever meet a Dom that learned everything h... - 2/14/2010 5:38:05 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AnimusRex

[yeah, "Honor" spelled with a "u" cuz it sounds classier that way]



Now, now Rex. That's being American Centric. The Brits, Canadians and Aussies on this site automatically spell it that way.

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Slave to laundry

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(in reply to AnimusRex)
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RE: Would you ever meet a Dom that learned everything h... - 2/14/2010 6:20:40 AM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: winterlight
...going into chat rooms, talking to people online, learned that way BUT has never had a mentor, been to a munch or a dungeon?

My Master falls into neither of these categories. He didn't learn from chat rooms and online experiences but He also never had a mentor or hung out at public dungeons. He has told me that he was interested in dominance/submission from a very young age and, without anyone mentoring Him, He had experiences and relationships in real life that allowed Him to experience the things He desired to. There's just so much area in between on-line only and being mentored/playing publicly. He falls squarely in the middle

luci

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(in reply to winterlight)
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RE: Would you ever meet a Dom that learned everything h... - 2/14/2010 7:45:26 AM   
osf


Posts: 3288
Joined: 10/19/2009
Status: offline 		what learning is being discussed?

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all around nice guy and creative misogynist

i'm not very skilled so i just hit harder

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(in reply to DesFIP)
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RE: Would you ever meet a Dom that learned everything h... - 2/14/2010 8:12:14 AM   
texangael


Posts: 167
Joined: 12/14/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: winterlight
going into chat rooms, talking to people online, learned that way BUT has never had a mentor, been to a munch or a dungeon?


quote:

ORIGINAL: winterlight
I was taught by a Dom that if someone presents themself as being a good Dom but has never learned from anybody to run!

One learns by talking to people.  One can learn online as well as offline.

Someone whose learning has been solely online still has learned from others.

Whether they have learned sufficiently--and whether they have sufficient life skills in areas that matter to you--is a different question.  A man may be mentored and still be clueless, or may have researched on his own via cyberspace and be quite skilled.

The question is--are you at peace trusting him? 


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Corny movie cliche that just happens to be true.

(in reply to winterlight)
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RE: Would you ever meet a Dom that learned everything h... - 2/14/2010 10:44:59 AM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: winterlight

I was taught by a Dom that if someone presents themself as being a good Dom but has never learned from anybody to run!

To me that is like picking up a gun and shooting it without any instruction.. but that is me...



i haven't read any of the other responses, so pardon me if i repeat something.

i have no problem with someone who learned via the methods that you mentioned.  At least they are trying to learn.  Everybody has to start somewhere.  At least give them credit for making an attempt at gaining knowledge.

Sure, there are certain things that shouldn't be tried without first getting some type of instruction.  Suspension, and other more advanced types of rope play fall into that category.  Without proper training, it is easy to end up with a sub who was accidentally hanged.  Not a good way to end a scene. 

But many aspects of D/s can be learned by trial and error.  Heck, i don't think there are many Doms/Dommes out there who haven't done at least one thing with a sub that they have never seen someoneone else do first.  If they are only willing to do what they've been specifically taught to do, then they are limited by their training.  Heck, i'd view a Dom/Domme like that to be both limited and lacking in creativity.

< Message edited by Rochsub2009 -- 2/14/2010 11:23:16 AM >

(in reply to winterlight)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Would you ever meet a Dom that learned everything h... - 2/14/2010 11:01:20 AM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

Meet him? Sure, I'm always open to making new friends.

Bottom for him? Quite possibly. I offer myself up as a teaching bottom without much worry. Just depends on if he'll listen to me or not.

Submit to him? Depends on his personality and how well we click. Valyraen knew jack-squat about BDSM when we got together so a guy who had read a lot of books would have more info - provided it wasn't all erotic "I'm gonna rape ya till ya love me!" stories.


This.  In spades.  Most people I have met who claim to be mentors are not someone I would want anyone to learn from, so I place no importance on whether or not someone has been mentored, unless it is with one of a few good mentors that I know.  So that would be a bonus, but not having that would not be a negative.

Dungeons?  I know lots of people that don't go to dungeons, but prefer to play in the privacy of their homes. 

Munches?  All that shows me is that someone is willing to go to a restaurant where other kinksters are gathered.  That's about it.

The OP seems to be lumping meeting, playing, and submitting all into one big category.  If you're looking for merely a play partner, I can see how you might want someone with experience.  And if that's all you want, then you should probably make that clear from the beginning.

Cali





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(in reply to AquaticSub)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Would you ever meet a Dom that learned everything h... - 2/14/2010 11:39:17 AM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: winterlight

going into chat rooms, talking to people online, learned that way BUT has never had a mentor, been to a munch or a dungeon?

you can learn a huge amount from the net, but you cant learn what works for you until you actually get on and do it. its all lovely as an idea and fantasy - but thats pretty much how most of us start out anyway.

What are your thoughts? Is the fact the Dom learned on His own enough to make you comfortable?

if his instincts are there and his personality and interests match youres then sure, why not.

Have you ever had a Dom that learned in such a way? What are the pitfalls if you have?

i would imagine many learned that way. not everyone is into going to clubs and theres only so much you can learn as a bystander anyway. muches dont teach you anything, thats just people meeting in a public place and being 'normal'.

I was taught by a Dom that if someone presents themself as being a good Dom but has never learned from anybody to run!

in terms of techniques on how to hit, with what and how hard then ok, up to a point he has a point, but only up to a point. equip youreself with a safe word, apply common sense to the levels you start out with and theres no big deal invovled.

To me that is like picking up a gun and shooting it without any instruction.. but that is me...

ideally you wont jump in the deep end with bull whips and heavy canes, you wont be exploring knife play or asphyixiation or any other sort of play that requires expertise. for those there are places you can go together and learn from people who know what theyre doing.

the main requirement i have with any Dominant is the right mind set ie., responsible, caring, empathetic, sympathetic, smart and imaginative - if he has those qualities then hold on to him.



_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to winterlight)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Would you ever meet a Dom that learned everything h... - 2/14/2010 11:42:38 AM   
camille65


Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: winterlight

going into chat rooms, talking to people online, learned that way BUT has never had a mentor, been to a munch or a dungeon?

What are your thoughts? Is the fact the Dom learned on His own enough to make you comfortable?

Have you ever had a Dom that learned in such a way? What are the pitfalls if you have?

I was taught by a Dom that if someone presents themself as being a good Dom but has never learned from anybody to run!

To me that is like picking up a gun and shooting it without any instruction.. but that is me...



To me it isn't anything like picking up a gun w/o instructions. Being in a relationship is usually pretty darn basic IMO, it just happens that this type of relationship is built on particular needs (D/s) and yes I think much can be learned via reading which is what chat rooms and the internet can do.

Now if you're speaking of technical expertise? I'd be doubtful of someone proclaiming proficiency with a whip if they've only read about it but you only ask about being a dominant person.



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~Love your life! (It is the only one you'll get).




(in reply to winterlight)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Would you ever meet a Dom that learned everything h... - 2/14/2010 1:03:51 PM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		Learned what exactly? A lot of the chaps I've met, even as friends,could have done with UN-learning a lot of the complete tosh they picked up in chatrooms. Muches are only as good as the people attending them re.info...and mentoring is only as good as the person you've chosen to listen to.

I haven't a CLUE how M got to be a *dom*, even after all this time....The only *credentials* required were that *I* wanted HIM to be in charge of me. I don't care where he *came* from, which is probably why I still don't know.

It doesn't matter to me whether someone's been mentored, coached, been to a dungeon, munch, play party or sand pit.....I still might think they're a dick.

I create my own comfort when I get mixed up with people by just getting to know them.....without playing 20 questions.

agirl



< Message edited by agirl -- 2/14/2010 1:04:27 PM >

(in reply to winterlight)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Would you ever meet a Dom that learned everything h... - 2/14/2010 3:40:28 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		~FR~

Yes, I would be willing to meet with such a person, but we wouldn't be playing independently anytime in the near future.  Everyone has to start somewhere and a lot of people starting into this now start in a chatroom, etc.  I did.  That being said, though there is some that can be learned about mindset and some of the "rules", skills can only be learned hands on.  No one's using any implement on me until they have learned to do it correctly and know about the safety precautions and dangers of that which they are using.

My goodness!  Everyone was new once.  I honestly don't know how folks expect to ever have an experienced dominant if they never get to play when they are new.  It is like going into the job market for the first time.  Experienced only need apply.  Experience preferred.  Well gee, you mean I can't bag groceries or sling some fast food without intensive training?  I guess I'm just screwed.  Someone somewhere is going to have to take a risk.  It's the same thing here.  

I had a heavy painslut pal that let me get a few first time sessions in last year.  He wasn't bothered by the misses and strikes that didn't land perfectly.  Someone like this is a great asset (OH stop it!  ) to have as a new person.  He recognized I had a good head on my shoulders and that I actually did care for his safety and well being, so was able to trust me enough to give it a go.  He gave some pointers before, during, and after, but never attempted to lead the scene.  He knew I was going to mess up, but that I was doing my absolute best not to harm him.  I am sure it sucked to be him when my inevitable mistakes occurred, but nothing we couldn't handle.  I don't know that I am in a place to do that for someone myself, but I know if I felt safe enough and my partner agreed, I would consider it an important role I could play in helping future dominants become skilled, safe partners.

lovingpet     

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(in reply to DesFIP)
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RE: Would you ever meet a Dom that learned everything h... - 2/14/2010 4:08:52 PM   
winterlight


Posts: 1319
Joined: 2/18/2006
Status: offline 		ty all and congrats Animus!

When is the wedding?

(in reply to lovingpet)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Would you ever meet a Dom that learned everything h... - 2/14/2010 4:39:53 PM   
OriginallyFromLA


Posts: 87
Joined: 2/10/2010
Status: offline
quote:

I don't really see guys sitting around talking about their "relationship" (Gawd!) and discussing proper ways of getting a girl to obey or something.


I can concur with that quote. And when we do ask another guy it is very very uncomfortable for both parties.

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Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Would you ever meet a Dom that learned everything h... - 2/14/2010 4:48:10 PM   
Toppingfrmbottom


Posts: 6528
Joined: 6/7/2009
Status: offline 		No, I would not accept a dom who's only experience was online or through reading books. He must have some real life experience for it to fly with me. and preferably not be a total newbie, since I don't have the patience for a newbie. And I don't mind them not being mentored, to me, you don't need a mentor to do kink as the dominant. Having a mentor doesn't automatically make you a better dom than not a good one.  I am smart enough to pick someone who shows common sense and doesn't show boat or exhibit other behaviors I don't like.
quote:

ORIGINAL: winterlight

going into chat rooms, talking to people online, learned that way BUT has never had a mentor, been to a munch or a dungeon?

What are your thoughts? Is the fact the Dom learned on His own enough to make you comfortable?

Have you ever had a Dom that learned in such a way? What are the pitfalls if you have?

I was taught by a Dom that if someone presents themself as being a good Dom but has never learned from anybody to run!

To me that is like picking up a gun and shooting it without any instruction.. but that is me...

(in reply to winterlight)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Would you ever meet a Dom that learned everything h... - 2/14/2010 6:30:56 PM   
osf


Posts: 3288
Joined: 10/19/2009
Status: offline
quote:

the main requirement i have with any Dominant is the right mind set ie., responsible, caring, empathetic, sympathetic, smart and imaginative - if he has those qualities then hold on to him.



a responsible person of whatever stripe is going to know his limitations and therefore be safer to be with than someone that supposedly learned from the best but didn't know his limitations

as for me, i'm the worlds worst top

< Message edited by osf -- 2/14/2010 6:31:59 PM >

_____________________________

all around nice guy and creative misogynist

i'm not very skilled so i just hit harder

i want a woman to make into the woman she never wanted to become

(in reply to lally2)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Would you ever meet a Dom that learned everything h... - 2/14/2010 9:53:37 PM   
sweetnurseBBW


Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline 		I would be weary of ANYONE that claimed to have learned everything,

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Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Would you ever meet a Dom that learned everything h... - 2/14/2010 10:01:38 PM   
wittynamehere


Posts: 759
Joined: 2/5/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: winterlight
Would you ever meet a Dom that learned everything he knows by going into chat rooms, talking to people online, learned that way BUT has never had a mentor, been to a munch or a dungeon?

Some feel the traits that make up what people refer to as "dominance" can be natural traits. Sure, you have to practice to know how to use a whip safely, and you have to know anatomy (or learn from someone else first hand) to be able to put needles through the breasts and so forth, but the traits that make up "dominance" in my opinion CAN'T be learned. So yes, I would trust someone who told me they've never been to a munch or dungeon, and have never had a mentor. I'm one of them, and I've only had successful, happy, safe, and satisfying D/s relationships.

You can't discount someone just because they don't go to dungeons. And likewise, you can't automatically trust someone just because they have. Who the person is, is FAR more important.

quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetnurseBBW
I would be weary of ANYONE that claimed to have learned everything,

That's a no-brainer, but it's not what the OP said. She said he learned everything he knows by doing X Y and Z. Not that he knows it all.

(in reply to sweetnurseBBW)
Profile   Post #: 40
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