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RE: Would you ever meet a Dom that learned everything h... - 2/14/2010 10:30:54 PM

sweetnurseBBW

Posts: 2464
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I know what she said. It is called making a comment.

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RE: Would you ever meet a Dom that learned everything h... - 2/14/2010 11:04:38 PM

stoshbig

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Everyone has to learn. Surgeons all have a 1st surgery, brain surgeons have a 1st brain surgery but they are very prepared. Learning takes work, reading, studying and practice, and we all have to start somewhere.

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RE: Would you ever meet a Dom that learned everything h... - 2/15/2010 12:00:22 AM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
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From: Northern New Jersey
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quote:

ORIGINAL: winterlight

going into chat rooms, talking to people online, learned that way BUT has never had a mentor, been to a munch or a dungeon?

What are your thoughts? Is the fact the Dom learned on His own enough to make you comfortable?

Have you ever had a Dom that learned in such a way? What are the pitfalls if you have?

I was taught by a Dom that if someone presents themself as being a good Dom but has never learned from anybody to run!

To me that is like picking up a gun and shooting it without any instruction.. but that is me...

Not everyone is into the whole public events and munches. This is something that they do in private and that's it. He has been honest with you about his background and that says quite a bit about him, in my opinion. It isn't like he is trying to mislead you about anything. I'm sure there are a lot of people who might go to public events, munches and the like who wouldn't be that honest.

I think the whole concept of a "mentor" can get somewhat over rated. A "mentor" could be a complete asshole, so then what would he have learned. Everyone certainly needs to make their own decisions about what to do, but are you looking for someone that you are compatible with or who can offer you an impressive resume and references? If you were looking for a vanilla boyfriend, would you want to know who he learned from? Better yet are you looking for a romantic relationship that involves a D/s dynamic or just the dynamic? It can make a big difference. If you want a relationship, I think you would be doing yourself and this man a disservice by refusing to even meet him on those grounds. Meeting for coffee and talking and getting to know each other, you might find that you don't click at all and it doesn't matter. On the other hand, you might meet him and find him to be very genuine, intelligent, funny and thoroughly enjoyable to spend time with and then his lack of references and credentials shouldn't matter either.

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RE: Would you ever meet a Dom that learned everything h... - 2/15/2010 4:23:16 AM

MargueriteV

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quote:

ORIGINAL: winterlight

going into chat rooms, talking to people online, learned that way BUT has never had a mentor, been to a munch or a dungeon?

What are your thoughts? Is the fact the Dom learned on His own enough to make you comfortable?

Saying you have an idea of how to do something because you've read/talked about it is different than saying you know how to do something because you've read/talked about it. I'd only feel comfortable meeting with him if he was willing to admit that he only knew things in theory.

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RE: Would you ever meet a Dom that learned everything h... - 2/15/2010 6:29:18 AM

OriginallyFromLA

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I've got to chime in on this. I have always been a Dominant person. When a woman would act submissive towards me, click, a switch would go on and I would go on autopilot. And it was always a disaster. Until the last few days I had no idea what it was that was taking place. It took a real life "for real" D/s relationship to make me even ask what the hell is going on.

With a lot of help from a lot of helpfull people I'm starting to get it. The best way to describe it is unintentional use of excess force (talking mental here folks). Always going for the kill shot up front. Bull in a china shop syndrome. And now I understand why my last D/s relationship, which was the first one to last any real length of time, lasted as long as it did. She suffered from a chronic life threatening illness so first and foremost her saftey was always at the very top of my list, so I was always holding back on the instinct. It also helped she was a dominant person in regular life and had no trouble getting in my face.

In previous situations where the D/s thing was there, instict was running the show and it turned into a gazelle finding she was with a lion, and it looked hungry, and it looked real.

So I will say that an inexperienced Dom in and of that itself is meaningless. Does he know himself enough to know what it is that draws him to it? Does he have it together enough to recognize the "degrees" you as a submissive have in play and is he willing to honor those, or is he just going to flip on autopilot, run on insticnct alone and fuck it all up.

I know I'm still working on it.

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RE: Would you ever meet a Dom that learned everything h... - 2/15/2010 7:32:46 AM

OsideGirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: OriginallyFromLA

So I will say that an inexperienced Dom in and of that itself is meaningless.

In my mind, there's a difference between an inexperienced Dom and someone that has learned everything he knows in an internet chatroom. So, much of what goes on in the chatrooms is wank fodder. I mean, seriously, do you think the guy who claim that he had just given his submissive 200 full force strikes with a cane across the breasts was telling the truth? You see all sorts of "rules' spouted off such as a submissive must always lower case their name.

Personally, I'd rather be meet someone inexperienced vs. someone who has formed his idea of what a real life D/s relationship is from an internet chatroom.

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RE: Would you ever meet a Dom that learned everything h... - 2/15/2010 8:52:35 AM

OriginallyFromLA

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quote:

there's a difference between an inexperienced Dom and someone that has learned everything he knows in an internet chatroom.

Agreed.

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RE: Would you ever meet a Dom that learned everything h... - 2/15/2010 1:04:44 PM

batshalom

Posts: 1990
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quote:

ORIGINAL: winterlight

going into chat rooms, talking to people online, learned that way BUT has never had a mentor, been to a munch or a dungeon?

What are your thoughts? Is the fact the Dom learned on His own enough to make you comfortable?

Have you ever had a Dom that learned in such a way? What are the pitfalls if you have?

I was taught by a Dom that if someone presents themself as being a good Dom but has never learned from anybody to run!

To me that is like picking up a gun and shooting it without any instruction.. but that is me...

Why do you suppose that having a mentor is any better than learning alone? Does he not have the good sense he was born with? Is he too much of a dope to be a regular guy without instruction? Dominance, to me, is a personal thing. He's a Dom or he's not. No amount of learning from anybody is going to make him any better or any worse than he's going to be if he learns it himself. If he learns from someone he might learn from a Class A jerkoff, so then we must evaluate the mentors, and the mentors of the mentors, and the mentors of the mentors of the mentors ... ad infinitum.

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RE: Would you ever meet a Dom that learned everything h... - 2/15/2010 1:41:32 PM

FetishRose

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would I *meet* him/her? Sure. After all, they could be an interesting person to know. But would I take all their online experience as substitute for real life experience? No. I'd value that they had an interest and had read up on it as much as they could, but I would still consider them a newbie in practice. Not that there is anything wrong with that, everyone has to start somewhere, but I wouldn't automatically submit to them and allow them to engage in edge play or anything without a lot of prior experience.

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RE: Would you ever meet a Dom that learned everything h... - 2/15/2010 6:14:37 PM

antipode

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quote:

presents themself as being a good Dom but has never learned from anybody

I have not learned online or in chat rooms, nor have I been to munches, I am largely self taught (my generation experimented a lot, back in the old country, of course). That goes for BDSM as much as it does for my Wall Street career. If somebody has learned online, and never experimented, I would worry, but I've never felt I needed a mentor, I enjoy inventing my own stuff. Didn't have help building my dungeon, neither

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RE: Would you ever meet a Dom that learned everything h... - 2/15/2010 6:15:04 PM

Pudicitia

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Meet? Possibly yes ... if I thought there was any chance of something between us.

Play with on a first date with no first hand knowledge of him? Not a chance. That would be exactly the same answer however for someone well known, well experienced and well referenced.

Mentored does not equal safe, neither does un-mentored equal unsafe. Some of the doofiest players I have ever seen have "years of experience" .... go figure

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RE: Would you ever meet a Dom that learned everything h... - 2/16/2010 2:50:12 AM

afkarr

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It depends. Is he in the fantasy chat rooms and reading Sleeping Beauty? Or is he mining forums for the more inteligent posts and reading The Loving Dominant? Can he distinguish fantasy from reality? Is he willing to interact with you as a person first, and a submissive second? Ther are as many possible permutations of a "new Dom" as there are people. It all depends on the person.

I've heard there is a very rare, very unique creature known as a "Born Master" who entered this world with a whip in one tiny hand, sucking on a nipple clamp, and trained from birth to rule their domaine and everything in it. I think they've all been snagged by the equally rare gorgeous, perfect, born slaves. The rest of us have to contend with real people; and real people have a first for everything.

SAfe words and limits have a reason for being. As long as those are respected, and everyone understands their own limitations, there's no reason playing with a newbie isn't just as safe as playing with someone with decades of expereince. He may not make your knees go weak and butterflies flit around your tummy, doesn't mean he can't be a good time anyway.

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RE: Would you ever meet a Dom that learned everything h... - 2/16/2010 7:44:55 AM

HisSweetElysium

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My Master is an academic type. He spent a lot of time during His late teens early 20s reading and studying how to be a good lover. That was BDSM free. He had intentions on waiting until He was married to have sex, but felt it was His responsibility as a man to make His woman happy so He wanted to be as skilled as possible. When He became interested in BDSM, He approached it in the same way, learn as much as possible.

I have no problem with this, in fact, I'm much the same way. When faced with a new concept, the first thing I do is start learning about it. Then talking about it, then trying it. More to the point however, what would make me feel comfortable with a brand "spanking" new dom is the quality of communication between us, and his attitude towards me and BDSM in general. I would be pleased he was upfront with his general lack of experience, and the fact he was owning that. If he carried that awareness into our play, starting very VERY small, and working up to more intense activities and sensations, communicating all the way, I would be okay with it.

As it turned out, Master did not keep with His original intent, and I came to Him after He had owned a slave before, and had dommed many women, both one on one, and in play. He was well versed in all types of physical play, however He still brought the awareness that every person is different, and something His former sub LOVED I may hate, so it was a journey of exploration. Experience does not get you off the hook from exploring with your new partner all the preferences and fears they have, and modifying what you incorporate to accommodate.

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RE: Would you ever meet a Dom that learned everything h... - 2/16/2010 6:04:31 PM

littlewonder

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Actually I don't attend munches, rarely ever go to dungeons or play parties or any of that, don't care what he knows about toys or playing.

What I care about is his dominance, his control, his personality.

Anyone can learn how to use a toy and if he wants me to be his guinea pig then so be it. His choice.

I could care less if he ever had a mentor, went to parties, went to chat rooms, etc...I don't care if he's ever even seen a sextoy.

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RE: Would you ever meet a Dom that learned everything h... - 2/16/2010 9:29:31 PM

NuevaVida

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quote:

ORIGINAL: winterlight

I was taught by a Dom that if someone presents themself as being a good Dom but has never learned from anybody to run!

Run to where, I wonder? Is the danger so great it requires running? (Sorry, I grow weary of the "RUN NOW!" advice thrown around so much).

I would meet someone who has never had a mentor, gone to a munch or gone to a dungeon, and I have. And he owns me now. And our compatibility is amazing. Why? Because he is naturally a dominant man, and my submission fits perfectly with the way he dominates. He had a submissive prior to me who he experimented with a lot of the physical stuff with, but I'm sure he'll experiment with more of it with me. And I'm quite happy to be his "crash test dummy", because he takes the ultimate care and focus when handling me.

As has been said here, it's more important to me that the man knows how to lead a healthy relationship. And I really don't care where he obtained that knowledge. He has it, and that's what matters.

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RE: Would you ever meet a Dom that learned everything h... - 2/17/2010 7:42:50 PM

AnimusRex

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quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl
You see all sorts of "rules' spouted off such as a submissive must always lower case their name.

Whenever Kim speaks to me around the house, she must speak in a lower case voice, but use Upper Case when using my - er- My name.

After the wedding, she will change her name to kim{AR}[fg]

Just a few of those little rules we live by.

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