RE: Equality In the D/s Lifestyle

RE: Equality In the D/s Lifestyle (Full Version)

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cloudboy -> RE: Equality In the D/s Lifestyle (2/15/2010 6:47:03 AM)
Glad you are careful not to let a "definitions" become a series of put downs. A round of drinks to everyone for not calling her a "do me sub." Equality: you can't "order" her to vacuum and cook as a part of your Domliness. She might see that kind of authority as exploitive, petty, and a turn off.

Wolf2Bear -> RE: Equality In the D/s Lifestyle (2/15/2010 8:02:14 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lorenzo19 Another thread set up a puzzle in My mind. It goes like this: 1. she explored the scene and realized she didn't like the 24/7 lifestyle 2. she enjoys being submissive during sex 3. but not outside of sex because she wants 'equality' at all other times. This raises many questions in mind. A few here. If it is Dom/sub in the bedroom... is it Dom/Dom other times? If not, what? Our style is 24/7 but I always consider My sub equal to Me at all times and so does she. What is equality? (really, not the flip answer) Is it common in D/s lifestyle to make the sub feel humiliated and inferior? Or is that the exception? Is the D/s lifestyle inaccurately portrayed as a Superior/inferior lifestyle? The 24/7 life works well for Us. Not asking for help here with My relationship. I'm just looking for stimulating ideas. Thanks. Each person finds their own balance in living a D/s based relationship according to what they believe they need and want. For some, it is enough o have some sort of an authority exchange in the bedroom and no where else; others prefer to have the authority exchange permeate be part of every asprct of the relationship. One type is not superior or better then the other, it's simply a matter of finding a level which you (general ) and your partner are satisfied to create in the relationship. To compare one against another is like trying to determine if a granny smith apple is better then a cortland apple. Each have their own unique attributes and appeals to different people's tastes.

Aileen1968 -> RE: Equality In the D/s Lifestyle (2/15/2010 8:24:01 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: texangael My slave is my equal in that her needs are equal in importance, her desires are of equal relevance in the health of my house. When her children are in my house their needs and feelings are of equal importance. That is the equality that should be in any relationship. The power dynamic may be unequal (and in mine it certainly is....I command she obeys), but the caring, the significance of each within the relationship, the importance of each to the other should absolutely be equal in stature. This. Exactly.

DesFIP -> RE: Equality In the D/s Lifestyle (2/15/2010 9:39:26 AM)
There is also the fact that nobody should meet someone and on day one hand over the deed to their house, their credit cards etc. If bedroom submission is the extent of the trust that the top/dominant has earned, then he shouldn't be surprised when that's all he gets. And op, you have to earn trust. You don't start out with the right to use her to clean your house, be a booty call and then kick her out. Her desire to do things to make your life easier is commensurate with your positive impact on her life. The more caring you are, the more she will want to help you. But labeling yourself a dominant and being solely interested in blowjobs on demand doesn't earn you trust. Being a man of your word, who thinks before he speaks, and who shows this through every interaction over sufficient time for her to feel comfortable that you really are the person you claim you are does.

MasterSlaveLA -> RE: Equality In the D/s Lifestyle (2/15/2010 9:41:49 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lorenzo19 Another thread set up a puzzle in My mind. It goes like this: 1. she explored the scene and realized she didn't like the 24/7 lifestyle 2. she enjoys being submissive during sex 3. but not outside of sex because she wants 'equality' at all other times. She's a "bedroom only sub", or what many refer to as a "bottom" in some circles. quote: If it is Dom/sub in the bedroom... is it Dom/Dom other times? If not, what? At "other times"... just a "couple". quote: Our style is 24/7 but I always consider My sub equal to Me at all times and so does she. What is equality? (really, not the flip answer) Equal power/control. If your sub follows your directions, then the reality is you're NOT "equal at all times"... just during those times you allow your sub that power/control of equality. quote: Is it common in D/s lifestyle to make the sub feel humiliated and inferior? Or is that the exception? Don't know "how common" it is... but you have to remember, it's NOT like there are a bunch of Toppy ones running around DEMANDING they "humiliate" their sub/slave... there are many subs/slaves that DESIRE "humiliation" in their particular dynamic. It get's their bits wet... as is the case with those on the Toppy side of the slash. In short, it's a two-way street. quote: Is the D/s lifestyle inaccurately portrayed as a Superior/inferior lifestyle? For some, the "Superior/inferior" dynamic is what they seek... for others it's merely a Leader/follower dynamic... for others it's something completely different, or a mix of a million other things. Everyone is different... as is the case in 'nilla-land. Many like to think a Power Dynamic is VASTLY different from the Vanilla world... in reality, there's more commonality than there is difference. quote: The 24/7 life works well for Us. Not asking for help here with My relationship. I'm just looking for stimulating ideas. Hopefully my answers were "stimulating", then. [;)]

LillyoftheVally -> RE: Equality In the D/s Lifestyle (2/15/2010 9:54:42 AM)
I have yet to see any relationship ever that doesn't have an element of power dynamic regardless of what they call themselves, but I don't think that power dynamic affects equality but its all about personal definitions and can get bogged down in semantics. Both parties are equally important as the other no matter where the power lies, both have to feel happy and safe and all that. In terms of D/s specifically as has been said throughout this thread different dynamics work differently. People run it in a way that works for them, its why dynamics are rarely comparable because they are as individual as we are.

PeonForHer -> RE: Equality In the D/s Lifestyle (2/15/2010 10:42:54 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: dreamerdreaming It just means we think its yummy for me to run things. That works for me. [;)] I think it's unnecessary, and often hampering, to pile a load of theory and doctrine on top of a D/s 'buzz'. I'm a minimalist when it comes to BDSM-ism.

Madame4a -> RE: Equality In the D/s Lifestyle (2/15/2010 10:46:31 AM)
I haven't read other responses.. but I'll tel you how it works for us. Our relationship is 24/7, although we don't live together right now -- mostly we do but not officially. We'll be officially living in one place this summer. We are all things at the moment... equal relationships, D/s .. and several peripheral things. She is first and foremost my partner in life and from there all things flow. We are equal partners and girlfriends, but as the Lady and the boy, we are not. Its a D/s relationship and its always there as an undercurrent -- but sometimes life, work, pets, household issues, and any other thing overtakes that. We try to keep that relationship in the forefront but it doesn't always happen. Our commitment to one another and our life is 24/7 -- but its not always equal.

agirl -> RE: Equality In the D/s Lifestyle (2/15/2010 12:24:53 PM)
+ quote: ORIGINAL: Lorenzo19 Another thread set up a puzzle in My mind. It goes like this: 1. she explored the scene and realized she didn't like the 24/7 lifestyle 2. she enjoys being submissive during sex 3. but not outside of sex because she wants 'equality' at all other times. This raises many questions in mind. A few here. If it is Dom/sub in the bedroom... is it Dom/Dom other times? If not, what? Our style is 24/7 but I always consider My sub equal to Me at all times and so does she. What is equality? (really, not the flip answer) Is it common in D/s lifestyle to make the sub feel humiliated and inferior? Or is that the exception? Is the D/s lifestyle inaccurately portrayed as a Superior/inferior lifestyle? The 24/7 life works well for Us. Not asking for help here with My relationship. I'm just looking for stimulating ideas. Thanks. Crumbs, a lot of questions. No idea about anyone else, but if we agreed to D/s only in the bedroom,(we don't), who cares what happens outside of it? I certainly wouldn't think of it as Dom/Dom. It'd just be person/person.. you/me....or just us and what we like. I have no idea if it's common in D/s to make the sub feel humiliated and inferior. I also dont know exactly HOW it's portrayed in general. Portrayed where, and when? On TV or somewhere else? In my family, it's seen as a rather decent arrangement...from my 74yr old mother to my last child of 16yrs old. What is equality?....The OED defines that as ...."1)The same in quantity, size, degree or status:2) evenly balanced". We're not evenly balanced, we're just balanced. We're not equal because I dont have the same clout that he has. I waived that years ago. I'm equally as important (I think) but not equal in status. Maybe I'm not AS important, crumbs; I might just feel I am. I don't feel LESS important anyway...lol. I matter, he matters......... we've really never quantified it. agirl

elleX -> RE: Equality In the D/s Lifestyle (2/15/2010 12:43:20 PM)
.. Lorenzo,, we may all come here with our personal view and way of living it,, but here what i think you might have to work a little extra by asking her in wich situation did not she feel equal to you, is she talking about specific time , or an overall feeling ? that is 2 different things ,,, then after you will know better how to handle the situation good luck

CreativeDominant -> RE: Equality In the D/s Lifestyle (2/15/2010 4:39:28 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lorenzo19 Another thread set up a puzzle in My mind. It goes like this: 1. she explored the scene and realized she didn't like the 24/7 lifestyle 2. she enjoys being submissive during sex 3. but not outside of sex because she wants 'equality' at all other times. This raises many questions in mind. A few here. If it is Dom/sub in the bedroom... is it Dom/Dom other times? If not, what? It depends on the Dominant/submissive couple and the dynamic they have set up. I've set up my D/s dynamics in such a way that while there was always a flow, there was not a question of "at what times are you dominant? at what times am I submissive?" I was dominant at all times and I expected them to be submissive at all times but with the underlying basis of humanity...in other words, there were times when I was more "up" for the challenge of dominance and all it entails and times when they were more "submissive" with all that entails. It was more difficult for a couple of them then it was for others but it was always D/s for us even if it was under all the "normalcy" of being a couple. To be fair, it has been more difficult for me to "work it" in some instances than others. quote: Our style is 24/7 but I always consider My sub equal to Me at all times and so does she. What is equality? (really, not the flip answer) My submissives have always been my equal but the positioning is unequal and equal at the same time. I cannot be dominant without her submission in a specific manner and she cannot be submissive without my dominance in a specific manner. Do I get to be the boss...the leader...the one in control? Yes. Does she get to experience relief from the responsibility of certain areas of her life and for making certain decisions? Yes...we each get what we need and that is the equality. The inequality is that she does not get to "play leader". quote: Is it common in D/s lifestyle to make the sub feel humiliated and inferior? Or is that the exception? Again...depends on the couple. I use humiliation as a means of uplifting my submissives. quote: Is the D/s lifestyle inaccurately portrayed as a Superior/inferior lifestyle? This becomes a semantic argument. My submissives are certainly not inferior...but they are both equal/unequal. The 24/7 life works well for Us. Not asking for help here with My relationship. I'm just looking for stimulating ideas. Thanks.

LadyAngelika -> RE: Equality In the D/s Lifestyle (2/15/2010 5:52:21 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: PeonForHer quote: ORIGINAL: dreamerdreaming It just means we think its yummy for me to run things. That works for me. [;)] I think it's unnecessary, and often hampering, to pile a load of theory and doctrine on top of a D/s 'buzz'. I'm a minimalist when it comes to BDSM-ism. Me too! All I need is a carrot and a stick ;-) - LA

jujubeeMB -> RE: Equality In the D/s Lifestyle (2/16/2010 2:15:42 AM)
I may (or may not) be the person mentioned in the question of the thread, having expressed those exact sentiments a few times. Either way, I thought I'd explain a little bit what I've meant when I've said stuff like that in the past. Equality, to me, means the most obvious, cliched, clear meaning and feeling of the word. Equal to me is: I have 100% control over every single moment of my life, except when I choose to give someone else that control. Doesn't sound very D/s-y of me, I know, but then explain my overwhelming need to be a quivering mess of desperate obedience every time sex enters into the equation. And it enters frequently, since I crave that kind of submission a LOT of the time, and sometimes it's not even sexual. But when the playing is over (after hours and hours), and I've taken a shower, and my hair looks nice and I want to go out with my hair still looking nice, do not freakin mess up my hair :) When I want to watch my favorite TV show, or listen to my favorite music, or buy the $800 shoes someone else mentioned earlier, I want the absolute last word on all of it. It's not to say that 24/7 D/s isn't beautifully balanced, and equal in its inequality, and everything that everyone else has said so eloquently, it's just that, for me, I don't want a single moment of my life to not ultimately be mine to decide (including the decisions I make to let someone else make those decisions). It's possible that this extreme quest for "equality" and submission simultaneously are only because I haven't yet met a man that I can truly let go with. I've been involved with D/s for about a year and a half :) But I just can't imagine having to do something that I know is not what I want to do, in a completely mundane moment. Like, doing the dishes when every fiber of my being is telling me to sit down and relax for an hour. I like my power, and my choices. Hope that makes it slightly more clear what someone looking for "equality" is trying to say. It's not a judgment on anyone else - I'm actually incredibly jealous of all those who don't have to battle their equality demons on a regular basis. I wish I didn't have what feels like two separate people battling in my head. But there they are, making me nuts: the powerhouse and the sub [:)]

EbonyWood -> RE: Equality In the D/s Lifestyle (2/16/2010 2:33:50 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: crazyml quote: ORIGINAL: texangael My slave is my equal in that her needs are equal in importance, her desires are of equal relevance in the health of my house. When her children are in my house their needs and feelings are of equal importance. That is the equality that should be in any relationship. The power dynamic may be unequal (and in mine it certainly is....I command she obeys), but the caring, the significance of each within the relationship, the importance of each to the other should absolutely be equal in stature. Rockin response. Perfect. The power dynamic and the value of the individual are two different entities. The former should never compromise the latter.

CelticNightmare -> RE: Equality In the D/s Lifestyle (2/16/2010 7:48:32 AM)
I think we pretty much have a "no child left behind" mentality from the public school system. Which operates on the "convoy system. They go at pretty much the fastest pace of the slowest boat. Everyone does have an equal status in the eyes of the law. But not everyone has an equal ability. Or an equal drive, and determination. This is where social disparity comes from. Personally,I think if a person is lazy-they deserve exactly what they earned. But I don't think that ANYONE deserves an "entitlement" just for breathing.

Lorenzo19 -> RE: Equality In the D/s Lifestyle (2/16/2010 9:15:20 AM)
jujubee. Very enlightening to get the point of view of a person with the sentiments in question. But, it seems to Me you are speaking about autonomy, rather than equality. It was the equality word that really threw Me off. Autonomy I can understand. Inequality makes Me shiver. I am 24/7 and I work hard to treat My girl equally to Me. When I meet others who say they can't have a relationship with a 24/7 Master, like it's a had limit, because they need to be equal, it really makes Me wonder where they got their ideas about D/s. Or, maybe I am the only One who treats My girl with equality. (I'm not,as you see from the above posts). Also interesting, are the reasons you insist on autonomy. On the autonomy issue. I am 24/7 Master. My girl has limited autonomy. If she is capable of managing certain things she has limited autonomy with those things. For instance, personal hygene, housekeeping, and many other things, she makes her own decisions and I keep out of it. I do reserve the right to step in and micro-manage when things are not getting done, but that is rare. Other things like alcohol, for example (other things too), she has zero autonomy, because she cannot make those decisions with wisdom. She cannot make any choice about alcohol without My permission. Hopefully in the future that will change, but only when she learns how to manage it with wisdom. While still other things like the toilet, she has zero autonomy. Even though she is fully capable of deciding on her own when to use the toilet, she must always ask permission (when possible). I dont have a toilet fetish. The reason is that it is a constant reminder to her, several times a day, who the is Master. Even this, she will gain limited autonomy one day when I feel she has completely devoted herself to Me and no longer needs the reminder. Essentially she has autonomy with things she can cope with. she even asks Me from time to time to take away autonomy regarding certain things that she would like to improve.

CelticNightmare -> RE: Equality In the D/s Lifestyle (2/16/2010 9:31:07 AM)
Why can't we just do what we like togeher-and quit worrying about what the Jone's are doing? Do we really have to write "War and Peace" length tomes to justify something this simple?

DesFIP -> RE: Equality In the D/s Lifestyle (2/16/2010 9:59:17 AM)
Jujubee, great name btw, if you choose someone compatible you'll get the freedom you need. Because a compatible person will understand when you say that you'll deal with the dishes in the morning because you're too tired or Bones is on right now. The other thing you're missing is the other half of the equation which is not a dominant in abstract, but the absolutely right dominant for you in specific. You may well find it is right for you when you meet the right man for you. I was 48 before I met a man I could feel comfortable submitting to, prior to that I jealously guarded my privileges. Now I don't have to. If he tells me to get to the dishes now, I know there is a good reason and he'll tell me when I ask. If I say that my all time fav show is on, he'll laugh and understand. He won't make me miss it just because he wants to prove how domly he is. And he doesn't want me all tired out and unable to stay awake at bedtime.

Whiplashsmile4 -> RE: Equality In the D/s Lifestyle (2/16/2010 10:20:08 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CelticNightmare Why can't we just do what we like togeher-and quit worrying about what the Jone's are doing? Do we really have to write "War and Peace" length tomes to justify something this simple? CelticNightmare, I totally agree if people stopped worrying less about the Jones, Smiths and these idealism, and simply figured out what works best for themselves. In all sincerity, the concept is simple.

Whiplashsmile4 -> RE: Equality In the D/s Lifestyle (2/16/2010 10:27:50 AM)
Threads like this make me feel so vanilla yet extreme at the same time. For me I've discovered that Equality tends to be dynamic with a degree of fluctuation inside the relationship itself.

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