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TopChuck -> RE: Equality In the D/s Lifestyle (2/17/2010 11:58:05 AM)
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The power exchange dynamic creates D/s balance; not equality.
The submissive always has the power to withhold consent, no matter how deep the level of commitment to the relationship, by the submissive.
Therefore, ultimate power always resides with the submissive. An argument can be made that the exchange is egalitarian, although the relationship isn't.
Control is relinquished to the extent of the trust earned by the Dominant. The Dominant earns that trust by providing the elements to the submissive that reward the submissive for the gift of submission. Equality in the relationship is voluntarily relinquished by the submissive. The submissive exchanges (en)trust(ment) for being taken under the protection of the Dominant.
The ultimate power, which resides with the submissive - because of the right to withhold consent - can be given in the form of control of the relationship to the Dominant to the extent that all control is relinquished. Submission is voluntarily allowing an imbalance of equality in the relationship, in exchange for being under the protection of the Dominant.
Because of the right to withhold consent, equality can be reacquired rather quickly. The consent factor creates the balance in the power exchange.
quote:
3. but not outside of sex because she wants 'equality' at all other times.
That statement of desire for equal right of control is the measure of "trust" in that particular relationship. At that level, the relationship is D/D, not D/s, in all circumstances outside the bedroom. In D/D relationships, there is no entrusting. Each party has equal power - or if you prefer, no power, within the relationship. Each maintains equal right of control.
Further, there is no real exchange of power outside the bedroom, because the power exchange always occurs as D/s - and only in D/s. D/s involves someone taking control and someone submitting to control. As in most human relationships, each gets something and each gives up something, in the exchange.
(It's easy to illustrate that D/D and S/S are equal, with no movement or exchange of any element for control. D=D, S=S.)
The exchange can be very balanced, each feeling they are getting full value in return for what they are giving. Ideally, each feels it is fair. It’s up to the Dominant to create that feeling and it’s to his benefit to do so, because of the pleasure he gets from being entrusted with caring for the submissive. The more the Dominant can create that feeling in the submissive, the greater the trust, appreciation and acceptance returned.
This exponential expansion of the power exchange leads to the feeling of ownership, between the Dom and submissive. This expansion seems limitless and spirals in ever increasing concentric circles in the best of D/s relationships. (It’s not all that bad in some of the worst, either.)
One good comparison is that the relationship is a system of beneficent dictatorship, with the dictator having been elected to the position and subject to being deposed, upon failure to be beneficent.
If being humiliated is part of the dynamic that enhances the feeling of being cared for by the submissive, then the smart Dominant provides it. (Find the buttons and push them!)
Understanding the mind of the submissive is of paramount importance in administering the power exchange and learning what makes the submissive respond with entrusting and deepening it is the reward the Dominant works to achieve.
A large part of enhancing the feeling of being within the protection, within the care, feeling nurtured, cherished, and treasured, is creating the feeling in the submissive of being special to the Dom. Treating the submissive as an equal, creating a feeling of equal human value or even superior human value is a matter of demonstrating truly deep respect for the submissive. Furthermore, enhancing the status of the submissive leads to higher esteem of the Dominant, because the greater the submissive who submits to the Dominant, the greater the Dominant must be, to be able to demand such fealty. (See Anthony and Cleopatra, Petruchio and Katrina, Bill and Hillary(?).)
Anyone who considers D/s to be Superior/inferior doesn’t understand the power exchange involved in D/s. The power exchange could only become S/i, if there were no right to withhold consent. Notwithstanding all the arguments to the contrary, the submissive can always withhold consent.
Each has their own specialty. For the Dominant, it’s the ability to cherish, understand and respect the submissive and for the submissive it’s the ability to trust, accept and appreciate the Dominant. The stronger the power exchange becomes instilled, the better each becomes at their specialty.
One final note: As part of the Dom's duty to protect the submissive, the Dom should teach the submissive self protection - including protection against the Dominant. That means teaching that the submissive has a right to a complete half of the power exchange. In other words, it becomes incumbent on him to imbue and practice fairness.
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