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How do you handle loneliness? - 3/28/2006 12:51:02 AM   
onelittlegirl


Posts: 3
Joined: 2/8/2005
Status: offline 		I've seen many references that a submissive's frame of mind is his/her responsibility.  Issues of jealously, neediness, insecurity, etc. are to be examined and dealt with on one's own.  There is much merit in examining your feelings and emotions and seeing whether or not there really is an issue at hand or if you've blown things out of proportion.

There are many things that I handle on my own and usually it means retreating from the world so that I can work things out.  I meet with success, usually, and sometimes if I don't, the issue more than likely goes away on its own if I wait it out long enough.  But how do you handle the issue of loneliness? 

Possible points to discuss: 

Do you go to fellow subs/slaves for support? 
How do you ask your Dom/Top/Master for more one-on-one time without appearing "needy"?
Do you request play time with others? 
Do you fill your time with hobbies or other distractions? 
Do you think this is a common problem?
What have you tried in order to adjust your mind-set?
Does this mean that you're suffering from depression?
Have you been retreating from the world too much?
What re-energizes you and makes you feel more in-touch again?

Please share your views, tips and anecdotes.  I'm sure a lot of us had to deal with loneliness at some point.

respectfully,
onelittlegirl
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: How do you handle loneliness? - 3/28/2006 3:55:36 AM   
sweetpleaser


Posts: 689
Joined: 8/5/2004
From: Florida
Status: offline 		I find that the more involved I am in daily life, the less lonely I become.  IMO counting on a man to make you feel less lonely is self-defeating.  I learned to like my own company.  I have a husband now, but he was just the icing on the cake.  

I used to have the problem of wondering if I was asking too much of my Dom and being insecure about it, but found out that by not concentrating on "what if's" I became more attractive to men.    You can still be submissive when the time comes, but don't be too "accessible".



_____________________________

~ann~

It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men.--Mae West

(in reply to onelittlegirl)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: How do you handle loneliness? - 3/28/2006 5:40:07 AM   
RONDOM


Posts: 2
Joined: 1/30/2006
Status: offline 		Well,

I am an old fart and have found life to be very interesting in this area. Loneliness is many things and nothing. When I was young I was a social animal and never had time to be lonely in the same sense you speak of. I did find when I was with people I seemed to have a feeling of being alone sometimes.I had a similar feeling when I was not out doing or going all the time. I was always worried about something I would miss. The world was was a big place and I had very little knowledge of it lol. As I got older and began to know myself and the world around me and it got better. I tried forever to understand myself but it was not till I became a counselor that I even had an inkling. Untill then I sort of bounced around in life and it was hit or miss for me. Sometime I was happy and soometimes not. I did find one piece of valuable info that changed my life. I took a Myers Briggs personality test and it gave me insight to many things about me which in turn were the pieces to the puzzle of my life. I am an INFP and a DOM. The I stands for introvert, he N for intuitive, F for feeling and the P is perciever. If you decide to take the test it may do nothing to change your life as it has mine. If you are one who knows herself well and is comfortable in your skin then there is no need. I had to change my whole life because I never felt quite normal. I felt like Rudolf the red nosed raindeer but in reverse as a DOM. I never wanted to play with large groups of other people lol. I did it because my family were extroverts. I was good at it and I was always the life of the party. I was the guy who everyone confided in and came to for emotional and spiritual help or advice. Once O found out about being introverted I have never been so happy in my life! I have a slave at home and she is an introvert as well *smile. I am always looking for online friends but very seldom to I meet people lol. If you need to talk just give me a buzz.

(in reply to sweetpleaser)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: How do you handle loneliness? - 3/28/2006 5:53:20 AM   
LokisBrat


Posts: 431
Joined: 12/5/2005
From: Mayberry, Illinois
Status: offline 		Loki is gone on the road for months at a time, so loneliness is a big issue for me. 
My unmentionable keeps me well busy, but there are many times (at night especially) when the loneliness becomes a huge monster.  To combat it, I try to maintain contact with my friends online and off, I spend (probably too much) time on a couple of swapping sites where I swap cosmetics and books, I ebay.  The computer is a big help, because then I'm somehow not quite so alone. 

One of the things Loki has been having me do is essays on different subjects, and knowing I have those to complete sort of negates the feelings of not having him here to talk to.

I've always been a bit of a loner, so it isn't as difficult for me as it may be for some, but in the end, having someone I can trust to talk to about little things is probably the biggest relief for me, that and having a good book to read!



_____________________________

"My pleasure, your pain. Doesn't matter, its all the same"

-Loki

(in reply to RONDOM)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: How do you handle loneliness? - 3/28/2006 6:14:18 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: onelittlegirl
Do you go to fellow subs/slaves for support? 

And friends, and family, and movie theaters
quote:


How do you ask your Dom/Top/Master for more one-on-one time without appearing "needy"?

You ARE feeling needy.  So just say "I'm feeling very needy right now, can I get some time or can we plan some specific time to love me?"

Make it out in the open and honest.  I say this to my partners all the time "I know it's stupid, but please tell me I look fabulous right now."
quote:


Do you request play time with others? 

I request it from others :)
quote:


Do you fill your time with hobbies or other distractions? 

That usually is the best way.  DVDs, cross stitch, books are always there for you.
quote:


Do you think this is a common problem?

For those in LDRs who spend more than 6 hours a day online, yes.
quote:


What have you tried in order to adjust your mind-set?

Realize that it's just my own lack of energy and motivation to do stuff.
quote:


Does this mean that you're suffering from depression?

It can be a related sign.
quote:


Have you been retreating from the world too much?

No, in fact probably the opposite.
quote:


What re-energizes you and makes you feel more in-touch again?

Sex, sleep, food, laughing.

Be honest, get busy, do things that make you feel good.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to onelittlegirl)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: How do you handle loneliness? - 3/28/2006 6:35:32 AM   
ivorylace


Posts: 56
Joined: 3/26/2006
Status: offline 		Lonliness is probably felt by all of us every now and then.

I write or draw when I am feeling it.  When I write I am able to put all my thoughts down.  There are times though that in writing I actually become more lonely.

I escape into my girls.  I have twin girls that just turned 4.  They can keep my mind off my own needs for hours at a time..lol.

I draw.  I think for me art is my balance.  I do a lot of thinking when I have the charcoal out.  Usually to the point where I can look up into the sky and just be thankful that I am here and doing ok.

Not sure this helps at all, but.......

~ lace

(in reply to onelittlegirl)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: How do you handle loneliness? - 3/28/2006 6:46:21 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		If i'm feeling lonely i will meditate on my Master and feel his presence.  i will also write to him - either a journal of my thoughts & feelings or a story he'll enjoy.  Add to that i work a lot, and i'm in school, and i'm involved with my family & friends...so i'm quite busy, which is a good thing.

And i come here, of course!!

Do you go to fellow subs/slaves for support? 
Only those who i am close to, but with limits

How do you ask your Dom/Top/Master for more one-on-one time without appearing "needy"?
i ask if it is possible.  He decides from there.  But he likes me needy and clingy, so long as i am not whining about it ;)  i have also learned to relish in the ache i feel when we're apart.  It makes me focus on him, and feel him.  It reminds me of what i am.

Do you request play time with others? 
i am not allowed play with others unless he instructs it.

Do you fill your time with hobbies or other distractions? 
School, work, family, friends, here...

Do you think this is a common problem?
Everyone experiences loneliness at some point.  It's a matter of what we do with it.

What have you tried in order to adjust your mind-set?
i write to him and meditate on him.

Does this mean that you're suffering from depression?
i have a history with severe depression so i check in on myself from time to time, as does my Master.  In my case, no it typically does not mean i am depressed, unless i find myself stagnant - staring at walls or the tv, doing absolutely  nothing.  When i wallow i become depressed.

Have you been retreating from the world too much?
i used to.  i spent a good many years retreated like that.  Didn't see family or friends.  Didn't reply to emails or phone calls.  i no longer do that.

What re-energizes you and makes you feel more in-touch again?
This is going to sound cliche' but it's true - my Master has the ability with just one word, to completely turn my mood around.  After him, it is my relationships with others.

(in reply to onelittlegirl)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: How do you handle loneliness? - 3/28/2006 9:25:04 AM   
Sensualips


Posts: 1013
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline 		Do you go to fellow subs/slaves for support? 

I go to friends for support.  They might happen to be subs or Doms or vanilla people.

How do you ask your Dom/Top/Master for more one-on-one time without appearing "needy"?

I try to be direct but not accusing or whiny.  I say things like, "I am really feeling like I want to connect with you.  Can we [insert what I want here]?" I am really specific about what I want/need, but not so inflexible that I flip out if I don't get it.

Do you request play time with others? 

I am not in exclusive relationships, so that is a given.  I don't request. I just do.

Do you fill your time with hobbies or other distractions? 

Sure.  Work, kids, computer stuff, a magazine I work on.  I often have too many distractions.

Does this mean that you're suffering from depression?

No.  Depression is hopelessness, lack of motivation, sleeping pattern changes, inability to function, etc.  I don't consider occassional bouts of lonliness, no matter how temporarily intense, a sign of depression.  I consider it a sign of being human. 

What re-energizes you and makes you feel more in-touch again?

In touch with a partner specifically?  Laughter, shared activities, sex, snuggly times. 

quote:

I say this to my partners all the time "I know it's stupid, but please tell me I look fabulous right now."


Excuse me, side story.

I say things like, "Look, don't I look super foxy tonight."  That is my playful fake-vain way of asking for validation. This weekend I got my hair permed and colored and it is not exactly what I had planned on as it is over curly.  I decided just to buy a bunch of different styles of headbands, push if back into this mess of curls, and call it cute.  Because it is a fairly drastic difference almost everyone I am in regular contact with has commented "oh, you changed your hair."  And I reply, 'Yes, don't you love it.  I am so cute."  They laugh and agree.

Except my kids.  I went to pick them up from their dad's and the 8 year old short person wanders out, takes one look at me and makes a face like he was forced to eat spinach.  He looks at me a while and finally comments, "Your hair is all crazy looking.  Why did you do that?" in a very bewildered tone.  The 5 year old short person comes around the corner, stops dead in his tracks, and then runs back into the house.  He finally emerges again looking quite upset and concerned and tentatively comments my hair is "too curly" and "very, very bad."  We got to the car and I pull away I catch sight of him through the rear view mirror looking quite miserable with big quiet tears pouring down his face.  Very concerned, I ask him what is wrong.  "I really, really don't like your hair Mommy."

It was quite a blow.  I don't think even fifteen more adults telling me it is cute will make up for it.

(in reply to onelittlegirl)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: How do you handle loneliness? - 3/28/2006 9:29:39 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		You permed your hair??????  Do you know what decade this is? 

I'm with the kids- bring back your nice hair mommy!

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Sensualips)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: How do you handle loneliness? - 3/28/2006 9:57:21 AM   
twicehappy


Posts: 2706
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

I've seen many references that a submissive's frame of mind is his/her responsibility.  

quote:

There is much merit in examining your feelings and emotions and seeing whether or not there really is an issue at hand or if you've blown things out of proportion.


From my point of view, and many others, granted you should examine your thoughts and feelings on your own, but being a submissive/slave it is your owner’s responsibility to see to it that you are happy and well adjusted, to help you sort through and address any issues present in your mind.

quote:

There are many things that I handle on my own and usually it means retreating from the world so that I can work things out.  I meet with success, usually, and sometimes if I don't, the issue more than likely goes away on its own if I wait it out long enough.
  

If you can work things out on your own that is great. I too often work through things by myself. However your owner should be there for you. He/She should be aware of your distress or you should feel free to make him/her aware. At which point it is their job to work on it with you. I am always free to go to Master or Mistress with any problem or feelings large or small. More often than not they know when i'm concerned or even a little down and immediately  come to me. They always provide for my emotional well being.

quote:

But how do you handle the issue of loneliness? 


Why are you lonely? It is very difficult to comment on this one without a fuller grasp of your particular circumstance. Do you lack contact with your owner? Or is it that you feel lost when he/she is not around?
quote:

Do you go to fellow subs/slaves for support? 

I have always belonged to the local bdsm support group. Joining a local group may be beneficial. Searching for and joining an online support chat room could also help.
quote:

How do you ask your Dom/Top/Master for more one-on-one time without appearing "needy"?
 
quote:


Why are concerned about appearing needy, you should be able to approach your owner. It is true he may be busy with other concerns, but you should discuss your needs with him openly. When I need my Master or Mistress’s attention I kneel next to or in front of them, or just tell them I need to talk, providing they are not busy at that moment.

quote:

Do you request play time with others?

No, personally I do not. This is a “closed” poly house. Was this discussed as an option when you accepted your collar? Have you brought this question to his attention? 
quote:

Do you fill your time with hobbies or other distractions?

When my previous owner died I filled my time with a variety of activities. Try volunteering or helping out in your local munch group. I still have hobbies, I think everybody needs those things they find fulfilling. 
quote:

Do you think this is a common problem?
What have you tried in order to adjust your mind-set?
Does this mean that you're suffering from depression?
Have you been retreating from the world too much?
What re-energizes you and makes you feel more in-touch again?


I think in certain situations it may be. It is not in mine but then again we have great communication here. Honestly to me it sounds like you 1st need to sit down and have a discussion on all of these issues with your owner. Communication is your best tool. After all how can he/she help you sort this out if you do not talk about it? Never be afraid to discuss things with your owner, you may be pleasantly surprised. The best Masters/Mistresses take tremendous pleasure in speaking with their slaves/subs. All the really great ones I know pride themselves on the care they lavish on their property’s well being. Even if he/she does not have any extra time available for you he/she should be able to help you discover other ways to meet your needs.



_____________________________

Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations.

The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

(in reply to onelittlegirl)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: How do you handle loneliness? - 3/28/2006 11:52:39 AM   
MistressOfGa


Posts: 2929
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

You permed your hair??????  Do you know what decade this is? 

I'm with the kids- bring back your nice hair mommy!

This reminds me of the woman on "Airplane" who is scared out of her mind because her husband is up flying the plane, and as if she doesnt feel rotten enough, the gay guy comes along and says "What did you do to your hair? And that dress! It is just awful!" lol
Point is, she is feeling bad enough, and your comment sure wouldnt make her feel any better about her hair.

_____________________________





(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: How do you handle loneliness? - 3/28/2006 11:57:52 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressOfGa
Point is, she is feeling bad enough, and your comment sure wouldnt make her feel any better about her hair.

It's not supposed to make her feel better about her hair- it's supposed to make her feel worse about her hair. 

Plus, she and I have a friendly relationship with eachother in which I took the risk of assuming a connection that allows "friendly banter" and that she would perceive my comment in that light.  If I'm wrong, I'm sure she'll let me know.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to MistressOfGa)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: How do you handle loneliness? - 3/28/2006 12:26:24 PM   
Sensualips


Posts: 1013
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

You permed your hair??????  Do you know what decade this is? 


But my stylist told me perms were coming back -- big loose curls were quite fabulous.  And since he is gay, I assumed he knew what he was talking about!

Ah well, off to buy a ceramic staightener and some overpriced conditioner.

(Thanks MoGa, but I got the joke.  I am giggling.) 

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: How do you handle loneliness? - 3/28/2006 12:28:12 PM   
Moloch


Posts: 1090
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

request play time with others?

I am not in exclusive relationships, so that is a given. I don't request. I just do.

Do you fill your time with hobbies or other distractions?

Sure. Work, kids, computer stuff, a magazine I work on. I often have too many distractions.

Does this mean that you're suffering from depression?

No. Depression is hopelessness, lack


Buahah! Now thats funny!

(in reply to Sensualips)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: How do you handle loneliness? - 3/28/2006 12:32:55 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sensualips
But my stylist told me perms were coming back -- big loose curls were quite fabulous.  And since he is gay, I assumed he knew what he was talking about!

Eee gads!  Big loose curls for a special night are definitely coming into style.

That's not a perm.  Perms should never have been allowed for white women in the first place and I don't care if blue eyeshadow or pencil thin eyebrows make a comeback, they are still bad ideas.

quote:


Ah well, off to buy a ceramic staightener and some overpriced conditioner

Hair grows!


_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Sensualips)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: How do you handle loneliness? - 3/28/2006 2:31:18 PM   
Sensualips


Posts: 1013
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline 		Well is kinda a big, loose curl perm. Umm, sort of. My short person told me it looked like an octopus was sitting my head.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: How do you handle loneliness? - 3/28/2006 7:49:56 PM   
classykindasassy


Posts: 291
Joined: 12/13/2005
Status: offline 		OK, till the salon chat began, AWESOME post.

Everything's a trade-off. If you are truly lonely inside a relationship, I'd start having a serious conversation with myself about how long I could take it if nothing changed, and flank it with some real heart-to-heart with your loved one about what the 2 of you could come up with that would actually work to engage this surplus love and energy you have, because that should not be left unattended...it can lead to real mischief and fight-picking in the relationship. Been here, done this, way too many times.

_____________________________

"The less I seek my source for some definitive, the closer I am to fine." -The Indigo Girls

(in reply to Sensualips)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: How do you handle loneliness? - 3/28/2006 11:20:45 PM   
onelittlegirl


Posts: 3
Joined: 2/8/2005
Status: offline 		Thank you for all the replies and concern expressed.  The warm feelings are much appreciated.  ((( hugs and kisses )))

LuckyAlbatross... very astute comment...  feeling lonely IS being needy.  When I really dig someone, I like spending time with them and will look for different activities that we could share.  Now this doesn't just apply to a romantic interest, this also applies to platonic male or female friends.  I really enjoy people!  I try to be careful that I don't overwhelm them with my enthusiasm, however, because some may perceive this as being needy or grasping.  As soon as I feel that my company isn't welcome, I will back off and leave them be.

As for keeping busy, well, I think I tend to overextend myself at times.  I am involved in quite a variety of groups and take dance classes, art classes, participate in performances, have an interest in ancient weaponry, occasionally attend munches, go to several different coffee meetings, support friends in their endeavors, spend time with my children, go dancing with my girlfriends and put in 200 hours at work per month.  That was in no particular order.  (smile)

There are always people around me but that is not necessarily being "with" me.  I have this perpetually lonely feeling because, for a majority of my waking hours, there is no one to anchor to... no _partner_ that belongs to me as much as I belong to them.  As independent as I am, I need to connect with someone at some point.

twicehappy... discussion is sometimes difficult.  With the limited time that is available, I would much rather spend the time together in joy than in maintenance.  Anytime that I have tried having discussion with anyone about this, there tends to be awkwardness, tension and unease.  I think it makes them uncomfortable that the usually happy, fun-loving, gregarious person they know has such a heavy heart.  (Jeez, if she's lonely, how the heck am I supposed to help?)

ownedgirlie... good point about the retreating.  I'm never given a moment's peace to wallow but I have retreated from the online scene in a big way. Sometimes weeks go by before I check my email, weekend voicemails might get attended to by Tuesday or Wednesday.  I might play some online games once in a while, but as of late, I've removed myself from the computer and am trying for presence in real life.  Sounds good but the reality of everyday life is that people will email you before they call you or drop in on you.

sensuallips... I have your hair problem in reverse.  I will blow dry my hair straighter than it is but when I go dancing, I have that whole Witches of Eastwick thing going on.  My hair starts out nicely coiffed but ends up being this messy, curly, wild mop of hair.  Kinda sexy really.  I don't think your kids hate your hair style... they just don't like it on you because that is not how they picture "mommy".  Its very much a comfort thing for them.  I think my son would kill me if I cut my hair short. 

Comfort.  Love and comfort.  Maybe its the absence of those intangibles that brings on the bouts of loneliness.

Much love to you all....

(in reply to classykindasassy)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: How do you handle loneliness? - 3/28/2006 11:51:48 PM   
NightDaughter


Posts: 264
Joined: 1/23/2004
From: Ontario, Canada
Status: offline 		Do you go to fellow subs/slaves for support? 

For the most part, if I have something that I am not sure about I will ask those who I know within the lifestyle for their point of view, wether they be sub/slave or top/dom


How do you ask your Dom/Top/Master for more one-on-one time without appearing "needy"?

for me i am rather blunt and ask it like anything else i might need or want.


Do you request play time with others? 

I haven't in the past, but now that I've had a chance to review my life and what works for me, yes it is something I might well ask about when i find that person who works for me


Do you fill your time with hobbies or other distractions? 

I'm never really lonely since i've been alone most of my life - I always find something to keep my attention going - one way or anohter


Do you think this is a common problem?

it might well be for some, but not for me


Have you been retreating from the world too much?

No, not anymore. For a time I was but that was because of my ex who didn't want or rather wasn't allowed to be part of the local community because he'd been blask listed.


What re-energizes you and makes you feel more in-touch again?

for the most part, going to community events helping out within my local community and in general just chatting with people i know.



_____________________________

NightDaughter
My Blog - http://www.livejournal.com/users/nightdaughter/
"I never said that I could spell, but I do try my darndest to get my point across" - ND

(in reply to onelittlegirl)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: How do you handle loneliness? - 3/29/2006 5:35:54 AM   
funmagic


Posts: 8
Joined: 11/26/2005
Status: offline 		loved your thoughts .... i believe the key is stay young at heart and be honest.   keeping things simple is what i have found to be fun and it keeps the juices flowing too .. lol.

(in reply to onelittlegirl)
Profile   Post #: 20
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