RE: Shhh..dont say what you're thinking... (Full Version)

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maybemaybenot -> RE: Shhh..dont say what you're thinking... (3/28/2006 3:05:51 PM)

slavejali:

I am speaking from the POV of the person who is going to do something a close family member is morally opposed to:

The best advice you have recieved is from Mistress Hathor. My reason for saying this is: I have been where your  daughter is. Long ago I faced the same dilema. My choice was the same as hers. My sister was adamantly opposed to abortion, and I knew that I had disappointed her in some way in my decision. We never discussed * it * during the time I announced it and the time *it * happened. But she did call me every few evenings to tell me she loved me and that would never change. I understood what she meant. After the procedure, she called me to see if I was feeling OK, and to offer any support she could.

I know my sister did not agree with my choice, I know she cried over my decision, so did I.... but the most important thing I know to this day is.... she loves me.

                         mbmbn



Sensualips -> RE: Shhh..dont say what you're thinking... (3/28/2006 3:06:19 PM)

I am sorry you are facing such a difficult dilemma, Jali.  I agree with those who applaud your efforts to handle it in the most supportive way you can, despite personal feelings.  Sometimes it takes an enormous amount of respect, control, and love to just be silent.

You are demonstrating strength, even if you feel weak. :)




starymists -> RE: Shhh..dont say what you're thinking... (3/28/2006 3:08:40 PM)

Just something to add...if you can't talk to her without fear of saying something that you would consider wrong, know that there are other ways of showing support and love. Sending a card or an email for instance, where you can think about what you want to write and ensure that you say nothing to harm her. You can send flowers or a small gift. I often use a guardian angle pin from the hallmark store...just a little something that she can keep with her to remind her of your love for her when she is feeling lost and alone in this.



slavejali -> RE: Shhh..dont say what you're thinking... (3/28/2006 3:12:18 PM)

you starting me crying again celeste lol..god this is really getting to me..well not crying fully, just teary..one of the things she has said to me in times of frustration over her life and how things have been is that she wishes she just had never been born...makes me wonder if that is what she is really basing her decision on..i really dont think she is emotionally mature enough to be basing it purely on the facts that she is inacapable of raising a child right now...although that would be the truth of the situation.



GoddessDustyGold -> RE: Shhh..dont say what you're thinking... (3/28/2006 3:23:46 PM)

jali,
 
I abolsutely agree with celeste, and I am so glad she could write what I might have had difficulty conveying.  MH gave you the most important step one. 
But you do have a right, and perhaps even an obligation, to discuss this more fully with your daughter.  I know there are only a couple of us going against the politically correct grain here. 
After that, as much as it might hurt, you can still love her and know that she made a decision with all the necessary information and support.  Right now she might be absolutely sure she has no other choice.  And she doesn't, unless something is offered.  In the end she will make her own decision, and you will still love her.  Don't hurt yourself by being silent about something so important.  It does not mean you have to give orders or threaten or be judgemental.  Just be a Mom, and share the other options, along with your own feelings. 
I so feel for you, and I am so grateful every day for My wonderful relationship with My own daughters.



slavejali -> RE: Shhh..dont say what you're thinking... (3/28/2006 3:36:59 PM)

Well Master just was here for his morning tea break and I showed him the thread..He spent his entire ten minutes reading it, hugged me and told me to stop dwelling before he had to race back to work. I do feel more balanced now..kinda *grin*

I really liked the idea about sending the cards and flowers...and I can reallly hear what you are all saying about talking to her..perhaps now I have expressed all this I can be more balanced and call her tonight.

Thanks so much everyone

PS I do feel bad about showing him when he didnt have much time, I should have shown him at lunch time..red eyes are a bit hard to hide though lol



Level -> RE: Shhh..dont say what you're thinking... (3/28/2006 3:58:31 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble

Jali,

My situation is not yours as my daughter and I are, probably, obsessively close to one another, however, I became a Grandmother at the age of 35. I didn't try to talk my daughter into or out of an abortion, though she well knows my views on the subject.. what I did was lay out the facts and the realities of what both options could do to her life and that either way, she would have my full and total support with her decision. Either way, though I prayed that she would decide to keep the baby and today, I have an incredible 10 year old grandson whom I and she adore. I agree with MHO, who said call her and tell her that you love her.. but I would also say that, as an adult, with much more life experience than she has, you do have the 'right' to tell her what you think about the situation. She 'is' your daughter.. she doesn't need a friend here, she needs a mother. And a mother sometimes has to tell their children things which are very tough and which we'd rather not tell them. She may believe that an abortion is her 'only' option because she doesn't have the support network in place for there to be anything else for her to do. IF, after speaking with your Master, it's determined that she 'does' have a support network in YOU, then she has the right to have the information presented to her as well... knowledgable consent, hon. Has she made her decision based on 'all' the facts? Not yet, because she doesn't have the fact of how her own mother feels.

Whatever you decide.. whether to tell her your feelings or not.. whether she decides to keep the baby or not, it's going to be tough... but being silent is not the same as being there for her ... some steps are really hard to take... and the path is overgrown with disconnect, but all steps follow the first one, hon.

My heart goes out to your family.

Celeste




I agree with Celeste. Your daughter may see abortion as the only way "out", and it isn't. At the very least, I would try to find the strength to let her know all the options. Whatever she chooses to do is her choice, and is not in any way your fault. Take care and know that lots of folks are thinking of you *smiles*.
 
Level



aurora31 -> RE: Shhh..dont say what you're thinking... (3/28/2006 6:15:24 PM)

I may be missing something here but I have seen no metion of adoption here. I myself am personally oposed to abortion but I would never impose my beliefs on anyone else including my own 18 yr old daughter. But in a perfect world if she were to end up pregnant I would pray that she chose to give the child up for adoption. As much like your daughter she is very imature and emotionally unprepaierd for the responsibilty of a child. There are so many loving families out there who would give anything for the opertunity to raise a child and in todays world where open adoptions are becoming the norm your daughter could still be part of her childs life if she so chose to be.

I to am going to go against the norm here and say that you have a responsiblity to piont out all the options the pros and cons of each but make it very clear the choice is hers to make and you will stand by her and still love her no matter what that choice is.

aurora



SirKenin -> RE: Shhh..dont say what you're thinking... (3/28/2006 6:48:44 PM)

It strikes Me that there are a lot of people that would kill to adopt a child..  This could be one of those children.  How sad.



proudsub -> RE: Shhh..dont say what you're thinking... (3/28/2006 7:28:58 PM)

quote:

I may be missing something here but I have seen no metion of adoption here. I myself am personally oposed to abortion but I would never impose my beliefs on anyone else including my own 18 yr old daughter. But in a perfect world if she were to end up pregnant I would pray that she chose to give the child up for adoption. As much like your daughter she is very imature and emotionally unprepaierd for the responsibilty of a child. There are so many loving families out there who would give anything for the opertunity to raise a child and in todays world where open adoptions are becoming the norm your daughter could still be part of her childs life if she so chose to be.



I was about to say the exact same thing.



DelightMachine -> RE: Shhh..dont say what you're thinking... (3/28/2006 7:37:41 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessDustyGold

jali,
 
I abolsutely agree with celeste, and I am so glad she could write what I might have had difficulty conveying.  MH gave you the most important step one. 
But you do have a right, and perhaps even an obligation, to discuss this more fully with your daughter.  I know there are only a couple of us going against the politically correct grain here. 
After that, as much as it might hurt, you can still love her and know that she made a decision with all the necessary information and support.  Right now she might be absolutely sure she has no other choice.  And she doesn't, unless something is offered.  In the end she will make her own decision, and you will still love her.  Don't hurt yourself by being silent about something so important.  It does not mean you have to give orders or threaten or be judgemental.  Just be a Mom, and share the other options, along with your own feelings. 
I so feel for you, and I am so grateful every day for My wonderful relationship with My own daughters.


Jali, GoddessDustyGold put my thoughts better than I could have.

All I have are the cliches or repeat what's already been said:  I hope you talk with her, tell her you love her, offer her whatever support you can in whatever way you can and then tell her you hope she won't take this step. Now that she's an adult, I guess all you can do is keep the lines of communication open, sometimes bite your tongue and strengthen your relationship so that you can continue to have a (gentle)  influence over her. Perhaps just discussion without debate is the most helpful thing to do. She's probably anguished, so listen, sympathize, support.

Children make their mistakes and parents suffer along with them.  



candystripper -> RE: Shhh..dont say what you're thinking... (3/28/2006 7:50:10 PM)

Speaking as a Mom, now is not the time to think of childless  couples, or babies in China, or anything but your kid.  She will probably get an abortion.  Tell her nothing -- nothing -- she could ever do would change your love for her.  And then pray...for her, for yourself, for U/us all, who are imperfect.
 
candystripper



Evanesce -> RE: Shhh..dont say what you're thinking... (3/28/2006 8:24:22 PM)

quote:

I may be missing something here but I have seen no metion of adoption here. I myself am personally oposed to abortion but I would never impose my beliefs on anyone else including my own 18 yr old daughter. But in a perfect world if she were to end up pregnant I would pray that she chose to give the child up for adoption. As much like your daughter she is very imature and emotionally unprepaierd for the responsibilty of a child. There are so many loving families out there who would give anything for the opertunity to raise a child and in todays world where open adoptions are becoming the norm your daughter could still be part of her childs life if she so chose to be.


At the age of 19, I gave up my first born child to adoption (in 1978, adoptions were closed in my state).  My daughter, at the age of 23, gave up her THIRD born, to an open adoption, and is raising her first two.  Unless you have gone through something like this and experienced it first-hand, you can't know how excrutiatingly painful it is.  My first born turns 28 years old this year, and I don't even know if it was a boy or a girl.  My daughter gets pictures of the daughter she gave up several times a year and knows the child has a happy life.  Yet, every time those pictures come, she calls me in tears and I share her pain like few mothers ever really could.  Adoption, while certainly a viable choice, is not easy.  It's gut-wrenching, and the pain does not fade.
 
jali, my daughter came to me at 18 and told me she was pregnant for the first time.  I was 39 years old.  My best advice to you would be to really understand that this is not happening to you (as much as it does feel like it is, I know!), but to your daughter, and she is the one who will truly have to live with whatever choices she makes.  She's probably very frightened, confused and very likely struggling with her decision.  Be there for her.  Talk to her.  Let her know how you feel and what you think, but support her decisions, whatever they may be, and make sure she knows you love her, no matter what.  I didn't think my daughter was ready for motherhood either, but she's a wonderful mother.  It took her a few more years to fully grow up, but she's matured in the last six years into a responsible adult, and I'm proud of her.



sanita -> RE: Shhh..dont say what you're thinking... (3/28/2006 8:38:16 PM)

jali,
 
My heart goes out to you. i would suggest you send yours out to your daughter. (Though you may have already done this by now, *s* i am late on the thread)
 
You do not have to give her permission to have the abortion, but you can tell her how much you hurt for her. Explain that your pain is not from shame, or anger, or in anyway for yourself, but for her, knowing what she is going through. You love her, you tell her how you would feel if she carried the pregnancy, and how you feel about the idea that she won't. Either way, you love her.
 
This is your chance to tell her how you feel about being her mother. It always helps to learn how much you are loved by someone you love.
 
Good luck with this. It must be so emotionally wrenching, but you are thinking about your daughter first, and i very much respect that.




qwert -> RE: Shhh..dont say what you're thinking... (3/28/2006 8:53:23 PM)

As an 18 year old, I can barely imagine being pregnant.

However, if I weren't that well informed of options, I would probably assume abortion was the best one.

In my opinion (and nobody get angry at me - I'm just giving my opinion), you should offer her all the love and support she needs.  Let her know what you think in a loving manner, sit and discuss it with her and make sure she knows the pros and cons of all her options.  Then let her decide.  Let her know you will be there no matter what.  That there are organizations out there too to support her if she decides to continue with the pregnancy.  Take things day by day. 

I'm sorry you're in this situation, it must be very painful and hard for you.  I wish you the very best.



Arpig -> RE: Shhh..dont say what you're thinking... (3/28/2006 9:58:21 PM)

If you are afraid you would not be able to be supportive on the phone, do it in a letter, that way you cannot get carried away and say something you will regret.



slavejali -> RE: Shhh..dont say what you're thinking... (3/28/2006 11:38:36 PM)

Well, just an update:

I called her today all ready to talk to her about choices and be supportive, I had the day wrong, I thought it was tomorrow, she had the abortion this morning while I was saying all this stuff on here. I dont know, I'm very intuitive maybe I was tuning into what was happening and thats why I had such a strong emotional reaction this morning.

Anyways, I called her, she told me she had the abortion this morning so I had to quckly go to plan B and just be supportive. I tried to connect her wtih any emotion she might be feeling but she was totally closed off emotionally, all she could talk about was how much the abortion cost and how she had wanted to buy something and couldnt now.(ugh)

Master is home now and we have had a big chat.....[:)]

I cannot express how much I appreciate everyones support today, I really needed it... all I can say is "thankyou all."



ownedgirlie -> RE: Shhh..dont say what you're thinking... (3/29/2006 12:17:44 AM)

Sending you a dear hug....



BitaTruble -> RE: Shhh..dont say what you're thinking... (3/29/2006 12:36:55 AM)

{{{{{{jali}}}}}}}



LaMalinche -> RE: Shhh..dont say what you're thinking... (3/29/2006 12:48:45 AM)

Jali,

That is likely ALL she can think of right now.  We, as humans, put away the big feelings and try to focus on the details.  This is not insensitivity, this is dealing.   Your daughter needs you now more than ever.  I remember my little sister's (sheesh she is 26 now) miscarriage, and how I helped financially, she now has two children.  This will pass.  Hell. . . the bad part is over.  Your daughter made the choice that she felt she needed to.  "Castles in the Air" always lead to despair. 

Is your daughter okay?

Are you okay?

Send me a PM if you need to talk and I will give you my number.

You are loved. . . does your daughter know as much?  Call and check on her.

Best,

LaMalinche





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