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RE: input please - 2/21/2010 10:05:13 AM   
tricianeeds


Posts: 2
Joined: 4/4/2009
Status: offline 		i really appreciate the thoughts that E/everyone has expressed here.  i'm going to try to back off and let Him set the tone and speed...lol....in other words quit trying to top from the bottom so to speak. He needs time and space that's what i'll give Him.  yes, there is distance involved, quite a bit actually but it has worked for us so far. i've never been married, He has....i'm ready, He's not.....i'll deal with it until He is....i think He's worth waiting for. thanks for the input

btw...He brought up marriage and He took me to look at rings.....

trisha

< Message edited by tricianeeds -- 2/21/2010 10:07:50 AM >

(in reply to lucylucy)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: input please - 2/21/2010 10:09:49 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		An inquiry concerning where you stand in a relationship is not topping from the bottom.  It is what people who communicate honestly with each other should do.

_____________________________

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(in reply to tricianeeds)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: input please - 2/21/2010 10:09:57 AM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OriginallyFromLA

quote:

Oh thanks. Now I want candy...



Your wish is my command My Dear......No wait, that's backwards...









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A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

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(in reply to OriginallyFromLA)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: input please - 2/21/2010 10:47:37 AM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		I hear all of the time how "exes" still seem to have some sort of control over people's lives. People can only have the control and power that we allow.

Why the need for marriage? Why the rush? Did you talk to your guy about these things before you got involved?

I am in no rush to get divorced. Don't see the need for that particular piece of paper. I am very upfront about this.

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Profile   Post #: 24
RE: input please - 2/21/2010 10:59:11 AM   
Phoenixpower


Posts: 8098
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tricianeeds

my Master and i have been together for 3 1/2 years. He went thru a horrible divorce four years ago and had a really hard time trusting people again, in fact He still does. we have talked about marriage but lately He seems to be pulling back from me.  lately when i mention coming to see Him he doesn't seem interested in talking about it or says we'll talk about it later.  i hate to push the issue but if He's losing interest in me i would rather know it now than later.  opinions?



Your ex sounds similar to mine even when in our case the word marriage was never a topic as for that still a lot more other steps in between would have to be gone...

However, my ex had certain fears due to what happened with previous girls and his ex and I gave him time and space that he could experience that he can drop it to put me into the same basket like them...however, when it does not help as he just does not want to get committed again to move further in a relationship and does not want to talk about it, then there is not much I can do either and then it is also time at some point to face reality and to move on.

We decided in 2006 that I will move on and we are still great friends....we just accepted it as it was as I can't force him to talk about things he does not want to talk about...he was married as well and personally I think he simply is happier now to be just on his own...a la I have been there, I have done that, I don't really want the fuss with a permanent longterm relationship in my life anymore...I am happy just to be on my own...

and so I just accepted to leave him as he is and accept that fact.

And as I said, we are still friends, text almost daily each other and I still feel blessed that he is part of my life...it just was not meant to be with him...but that did not mean for us that we have to go seperate ways in anger.

Sometimes, IMO, it simply is not meant to be...

< Message edited by Phoenixpower -- 2/21/2010 11:00:43 AM >

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(in reply to tricianeeds)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: input please - 2/21/2010 12:41:10 PM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline 		Why can't people just "be". There always seems to be an agenda. We are " here" and we need to move to "there"

We often to place goals that we are supposed to have upon ourselves.  I have noticed this more in women, but then again I don't date men.

If you care for him and believe he cares for you, isn't that really good enough? Look around and see how many folks really have that over a long period of time. Less than we'd like to think.

Jeff

_____________________________

"If you don't live it, it won't come out your horn." Charlie Parker

(in reply to tricianeeds)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: input please - 2/21/2010 12:49:40 PM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline 		Well said, Jeff.

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Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to Jeffff)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: input please - 2/21/2010 12:59:19 PM   
afkarr


Posts: 328
Joined: 1/13/2010
Status: offline 		First of all, there may be some very good reasons why he is "backing away"- how long did his marriage last? How "horrible" was it? Is he still trying to recover finanacially and under an continuing obligations to pay spousal or child support, inusrance, etc? If so, it is understandable that he would be leery of entering into another situation which may lead to the same end.

That said, there some tangible benefits to a legal marriage vs. the "we're together and happy and that's enough" school of thought. Marriage offers the spouse automatic standing as the next of kin, granting rights of survivoship to jointly held property, beneficiary status of life inusrance, right as health care power of attorney when/if it becomes neccessary, etc. Being a significant other gives you none of those rights. Meaning 20, 30, 40 years from now, his family- kids, ex, siblings, whomever, will get to make end of life decisions, divy up the property and inusrance, the ex gets the social security, and you don't even make it into the obituary.

I know it sounds morbid, but I'd think twice before committing to any sor tof "forever" relationship with no legal standing.

(in reply to Jeffff)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: input please - 2/21/2010 1:09:02 PM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		There are wills, life insurance and powers of attorney that can negate many of the things that you mentioned. If someone approached me concerned about what percent of my social security that might be losing out on....I would just pretend to get married and have one of my buddies conduct the ceremony.

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Profile   Post #: 29
RE: input please - 2/21/2010 5:45:45 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		If she is at a point in her life where she wants a committed relationship, a shared family etc then there is nothing wrong with her knowing what she wants. If he doesn't want any of those things, then he shouldn't have told her that he did to keep her from leaving. He needs to be a man and be honest.

He may never deal with his issues and be ready to move on. It would be a shame for him to keep pretending to her and waste the next four years of her life as he has the last simply because he wants her to stay around on his terms, meaning no commitment, booty calls on demand, and then kicking her out when he does meet someone he can commit to.

She has as much right to expect a partner who wants the same things as she does as him. And if the things they want are so different, a decent and honorable man would acknowledge that and wish her well. Not keep stringing her along.

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(in reply to domiguy)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: input please - 2/21/2010 5:50:35 PM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

There are wills, life insurance and powers of attorney that can negate many of the things that you mentioned. If someone approached me concerned about what percent of my social security that might be losing out on....I would just pretend to get married and have one of my buddies conduct the ceremony.



I look good in black

" Do you, subsusie, promise to take whatever Domi throws at you"

" Do you, Domi, promise, nothing of any real value"

" I pronounce you Man and whatever"..." you make bang the slut"

Rev.Jeff

_____________________________

"If you don't live it, it won't come out your horn." Charlie Parker

(in reply to domiguy)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: input please - 2/21/2010 6:18:01 PM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeffff

Why can't people just "be". There always seems to be an agenda. We are " here" and we need to move to "there"

We often to place goals that we are supposed to have upon ourselves.  I have noticed this more in women, but then again I don't date men.

If you care for him and believe he cares for you, isn't that really good enough? Look around and see how many folks really have that over a long period of time. Less than we'd like to think.

Jeff


This is so easy when you don't have the drive to *be* anywhere apart from where you are.

People plan/hope and build their security around promises, even HINTS of promises.. Just *being* won't be enough once that magical *extra* has been laid on the table. It seems a bit nuts to promise the "moon on a stick" and then get the wind up when your gal doesn't quite understand why you no longer even mention the moon, let alone it being on a stick.

It's not a HIM thing, it's not a HER thing..... it's a * WE aren't together on this* thing. Because if they were, she wouldn't be asking.

You have to KNOW the person you're with. If M said * I need some time alone, I need to think* .....an icy hand would clutch my heart .HOWEVER, *I* say it all the time, he just says *Tara then , speak tomorrow*. It means NOTHING awful if *I* say it ....... it would mean something HUGELY significant if HE said it.

Apart from that........ despite the amazing ways people mask it ...despite the protestations and creative words.......the majority still just want security.They want to know that their *risk* is being matched, they are petrified that they might be making someone a priority, in the emotional sense, if there's the chance that it's not being mirrored.

agirl

(in reply to Jeffff)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: input please - 2/21/2010 6:58:34 PM   
dreamerdreaming


Posts: 2839
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeffff

Why can't people just "be". There always seems to be an agenda. We are " here" and we need to move to "there"

We often to place goals that we are supposed to have upon ourselves.  I have noticed this more in women, but then again I don't date men.

If you care for him and believe he cares for you, isn't that really good enough? Look around and see how many folks really have that over a long period of time. Less than we'd like to think.

Jeff



She's looking for more of a sense of security in the relationship, and he's been distancing himself from her. She has every right to seek the kind of relationship that suits her, and so does he.

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Profile   Post #: 33
RE: input please - 2/22/2010 1:27:34 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		Together for 3and a half years and his awful divorce was 4 years ago... you are the rebound then... tricky...

in my experience people with trust issues are not really to be trusted themselves

i would have it out with him... be prepared to have to face up to a break up...

(in reply to tricianeeds)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: input please - 2/22/2010 9:34:29 PM   
wittynamehere


Posts: 759
Joined: 2/5/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tricianeeds

my Master and i have been together for 3 1/2 years. He went thru a horrible divorce four years ago and had a really hard time trusting people again, in fact He still does. we have talked about marriage but lately He seems to be pulling back from me.  lately when i mention coming to see Him he doesn't seem interested in talking about it or says we'll talk about it later.  i hate to push the issue but if He's losing interest in me i would rather know it now than later.  opinions?


Just my opinion. Don't bring up marriage again - ever. He had a horrible one, he's still not over the trauma the divorced caused him, and he can't trust easily. Pushing marriage is just going to make him push you (and your marriage plans) away. You say you hate to push the issue.... so don't!

Maybe you'd better think long and hard about why you're so focused on being married. Marriage doesn't provide the security you seem to think it does. It tends to do more harm than good to a relationship, and only helps keep people together because once you sign the papers, it's very costly and messy to undo it. You think you're going to "hook" him with marriage, but trust me, it doesn't sound like you'll make it that far. One more "can we get married yet please sir?" and he's going to send your ass back where it came from.

Get over your need for a marriage license, tell him you love him and want to be his, and enjoy the connection you share.


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(in reply to tricianeeds)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: input please - 2/22/2010 9:39:36 PM   
wittynamehere


Posts: 759
Joined: 2/5/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: afkarr
Marriage offers the spouse automatic standing as the next of kin, granting rights of survivoship to jointly held property, beneficiary status of life inusrance, right as health care power of attorney when/if it becomes neccessary, etc.

Yes, the govt has made marriage attractive in many ways. But it doesn't help a relationship at all to get that license and make legal comittments. Supporting the fucked up marriage system because it has been made enticing isn't the right thing to do, imo.


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Profile   Post #: 36
RE: input please - 2/22/2010 9:44:26 PM   
InvisibleBlack


Posts: 865
Joined: 7/24/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

If she is at a point in her life where she wants a committed relationship, a shared family etc then there is nothing wrong with her knowing what she wants. If he doesn't want any of those things, then he shouldn't have told her that he did to keep her from leaving. He needs to be a man and be honest.


If after three and a half years they don't have an understanding of where each other is on issues like family, commitment and life goals, I'd say something's fairly amiss and always has been.

_____________________________

Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.

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Profile   Post #: 37
RE: input please - 2/22/2010 10:15:32 PM   
PrincessDonna


Posts: 189
Joined: 7/7/2006
Status: offline 		Why is it you want to be married?If it is just for you to feel owned well.............if you feel you should have the survivor benifits then do duel power Of Attorneys or in some states he can even adopt you,yes even as an adult,so that would cast off the trust issues.

(in reply to lucylucy)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: input please - 2/22/2010 10:18:25 PM   
Smutmonger


Posts: 995
Joined: 2/17/2010
Status: offline 		interesting.....you do realize this is a primary way for women to gain economic control over a male?
How badly was he raped in the last divorce?

quote:

ORIGINAL: tricianeeds

my Master and i have been together for 3 1/2 years. He went thru a horrible divorce four years ago and had a really hard time trusting people again, in fact He still does. we have talked about marriage but lately He seems to be pulling back from me.  lately when i mention coming to see Him he doesn't seem interested in talking about it or says we'll talk about it later.  i hate to push the issue but if He's losing interest in me i would rather know it now than later.  opinions?


(in reply to tricianeeds)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: input please - 2/23/2010 4:27:06 PM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

He went thru a horrible divorce four years ago and had a really hard time trusting people again, in fact He still does.


I have a simple mantra: if someone allows the psychological consequences of something that happened in their past to impact a new relationship, they're wallowing in their own dirt. The fact that you preface an issue you perceive with this "bit of history" speaks volumes. It is manipulative on his part, and rather than reject it, you've accepted it. That isn't unusual, but do you really feel that would ever amount to a fair chance, a way to build a relationship on equal terms? If he has not worked through his issues by himself, he won't do that ever, especially if you function as an enabler.

(in reply to tricianeeds)
Profile   Post #: 40
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