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Asking a more exp sub about her past - 2/22/2010 11:22:58 AM   
ricken


Posts: 261
Joined: 1/11/2010
Status: offline 		So the woman I am with introduced me to being Dom, she was drawn to being submissive and introduced the man, before me, she was with to BDSM....I thought they were a little more into the lifestyle than they actualy were
This weekend I was really trying to push her, if you read my other post I am training (trying) her to orgasm while standing.
While she was bound I asked (interagated) her about her past experience.
Was rope used ? Was he good at tying knots? Do you prefer rope or chain ( I prefer chains, clips are easier and faster than knots) What was your safeword ? and a couple of other questions. I tried to keep the questions generic.
I never asked about him..like size or was he better in bed, or other physicle things, or if she prefered something he did over me, or the other way around.
I guess what I want to know is did I make a big mistake with the questions ? I just wanted to know how I was doing. She does have some communication issues and doesn't always talk with out a little probing from me. One thing she has remarked is that I'm very imaginative, and she finds it hard to believe that I am inexperinced. I'm wondering now if she would view my questions as insecurety/weekness ?
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RE: Asking a more exp sub about her past - 2/22/2010 11:40:39 AM   
OriginallyFromLA


Posts: 87
Joined: 2/10/2010
Status: offline
quote:

I'm wondering now if she would view my questions as insecurety/weekness ?


Probably.

That's why I came here and tried to get as much information as I could from women that "advertised" themselves as submissives. Who better to learn from right? Well good luck dude. I had to really embarrass myself to get through that I only wanted to talk and even then ony a few were kind ehough to help me. It's funny because I was going to post a public thank you to them but this works out just as well. (you all know who you are, Thank You)

Bottom line, you need to know yourself first, and you need to trust your partner and she needs to trust you, and sex at the end of the day starts with the first word or glance at her in the morning. Everything esle is build build build. Figure out what she wants but don't push her until she's asking you to.

Sort of

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(in reply to ricken)
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RE: Asking a more exp sub about her past - 2/22/2010 12:07:38 PM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		I wouldn't necessarily see it as insecurity or weakness, no. But of course it really would depend on how you were the rest of the time. I must admit that when talking about things of that nature with M, it's always been done in a sort of mutual *sharing* situation, snuggled in bed or something, or just in a general chatty way.

If you want to know these things about her, her preferences, her experiences etc, then you have to ask, so I wouldn't worry too much about it being seen as insecurity or weakness.

agirl



(in reply to ricken)
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RE: Asking a more exp sub about her past - 2/22/2010 12:13:18 PM   
lucylucy


Posts: 612
Joined: 3/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ricken
I'm wondering now if she would view my questions as insecurety/weekness ?

If you asked the questions to gather information about what she likes and what she's experienced, I don't see why she would view the questions as insecurity or weakness. Seems smart to me to find out what she likes and why.

You could focus more on what she likes rather than what he did. Instead of saying, "did he do this to you?" you could ask her, "do you like when I do this to you?"

Also, depending on her psyche, you might try some things she doesn't like. Some of us like what we don't like, if you know what I mean. And some of us like things when done by one person that we don't like when done by someone else.

_____________________________

“There are those who give with joy, & that joy is their reward.” Gibran / "Those who are willing to be vulnerable move among mysteries." Roethke / "Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel & kiss the ground." Rumi

(in reply to ricken)
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RE: Asking a more exp sub about her past - 2/22/2010 12:22:31 PM   
heartfeltsub


Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline 		my ex-Dominant was someone that i introduced to the lifestyle and he asked me lots of questions. As was already stated, they came from a place of do you like this, versus how did he do it. And also the other Dominant that i had the most time playing with actually mentored my ex-Dominant in how to use toys and such. i did not see his questions as coming from a place of insecurity, but rather of coming from a place of inquistiveness.

_____________________________

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(in reply to lucylucy)
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RE: Asking a more exp sub about her past - 2/22/2010 12:36:37 PM   
Madame4a


Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline 		You asked her questions like that when she was bound? (what does interagated mean?)

To me, that's really unfair and a horrible time to ask someone questions like that.  Discuss past experiences, likes, dislikes and negotiations over coffee... not in the middle of something...you might try to find a mentor... it seems like you could use some help


quote:

ORIGINAL: ricken

So the woman I am with introduced me to being Dom, she was drawn to being submissive and introduced the man, before me, she was with to BDSM....I thought they were a little more into the lifestyle than they actualy were
This weekend I was really trying to push her, if you read my other post I am training (trying) her to orgasm while standing.
While she was bound I asked (interagated) her about her past experience.
Was rope used ? Was he good at tying knots? Do you prefer rope or chain ( I prefer chains, clips are easier and faster than knots) What was your safeword ? and a couple of other questions. I tried to keep the questions generic.
I never asked about him..like size or was he better in bed, or other physicle things, or if she prefered something he did over me, or the other way around.
I guess what I want to know is did I make a big mistake with the questions ? I just wanted to know how I was doing. She does have some communication issues and doesn't always talk with out a little probing from me. One thing she has remarked is that I'm very imaginative, and she finds it hard to believe that I am inexperinced. I'm wondering now if she would view my questions as insecurety/weekness ?



_____________________________

You're crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

(in reply to ricken)
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RE: Asking a more exp sub about her past - 2/22/2010 12:42:56 PM   
ricken


Posts: 261
Joined: 1/11/2010
Status: offline 		Thanks,
I wanted to get an answer or two before I expained more. I did focus on asking her what she likes, yes I did ask a question or two about what he did.
I aso have done some things she claimed to not like...spanking, I thought I wouldn't get onto it, discoverd I like it. She claims she don't like it, but when told to bend over for punishment, she listens. I also have "pushed" her into dressing in nylons and heels, and wearing sexy lingere. She claimed she didn't like that. But she does for me. When she first did it, she walked out a little hunched over (hideing?) now she points 'em north like they should be
When we talk it seems there are different times to talk about things with her, general sex talk seems OK anytime, but when asking about what she likes as a sub, it is only when being sub she will talk. Like when I am working around the house is when she wants to talk about things she wants done in the house, or she prefers to talk about food when she is eating. If that makes sense.
I guess I also feel a little wierd, because I KNOW not to ask too much about an ex...

(in reply to lucylucy)
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RE: Asking a more exp sub about her past - 2/22/2010 1:40:34 PM   
lucylucy


Posts: 612
Joined: 3/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Madame4a
You asked her questions like that when she was bound? (what does interagated mean?)

To me, that's really unfair and a horrible time to ask someone questions like that.  Discuss past experiences, likes, dislikes and negotiations over coffee... not in the middle of something...you might try to find a mentor... it seems like you could use some help

Now, see, for me, when bound would be the most delicious time to ask, assuming trust has been established.

_____________________________

“There are those who give with joy, & that joy is their reward.” Gibran / "Those who are willing to be vulnerable move among mysteries." Roethke / "Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel & kiss the ground." Rumi

(in reply to Madame4a)
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RE: Asking a more exp sub about her past - 2/22/2010 1:44:01 PM   
zephyroftheNorth


Posts: 8159
Joined: 10/5/2009
From: The Great Frozen North
Status: offline 		I agree, Lucy, it would get me all kinds of hot.

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The pain gonna make ev'rything alright ~ Black Crows

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(in reply to lucylucy)
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RE: Asking a more exp sub about her past - 2/22/2010 1:50:40 PM   
Madame4a


Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline 		unfair and horrible can also be considered hot and delicious... in the end, for me, I don't find it the right time to do something like that.. particularly when in the end, he's really trying to get a report card... talk about unfair timing

_____________________________

You're crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

(in reply to zephyroftheNorth)
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RE: Asking a more exp sub about her past - 2/22/2010 2:06:11 PM   
zephyroftheNorth


Posts: 8159
Joined: 10/5/2009
From: The Great Frozen North
Status: offline 		*shrugs* I just don't see what he did as all that unfair and horrible. Good thing there is no one real true way to do things, huh? 

_____________________________

And there's a smile when the pain comes
The pain gonna make ev'rything alright ~ Black Crows

Team Troll Trollop
Member: Cocksuckers For World Peace
Charter member: Lance's Fag Hags
Member: Subbie Mafia
Member: Hibbie's Hotties

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RE: Asking a more exp sub about her past - 2/22/2010 2:15:07 PM   
Phoenixpower


Posts: 8098
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Madame4a

unfair and horrible can also be considered hot and delicious... in the end, for me, I don't find it the right time to do something like that.. particularly when in the end, he's really trying to get a report card... talk about unfair timing


I have to agree to that view and know I would not want to be asked that during "action." If he wants to know more about what others did or what I enjoy or dislike he should ask outside of play.

Apart from it being in an unfair situation in regards to power it also would destroy the atmosphere for me as quite frankly whilst he would be busy with me I would want to have the focus solely on him and me in that situation and not previous experiences and previous guys interfering in there. When I met my C-Dom he was curious at times what I was up to with others but that last moment he would want to know anything about that would be when he is dealing with me...as after all...when he is busy with me it is his time with me and any other experiences have nothing to do in there.

_____________________________

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The PAST is history, the FUTURE a mystery, NOW is a gift - that's why it's called the PRESENT

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(in reply to Madame4a)
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RE: Asking a more exp sub about her past - 2/22/2010 2:30:03 PM   
ricken


Posts: 261
Joined: 1/11/2010
Status: offline 		Madam, I don't believeI was tying to get a "report card"...just more info, YES I will agree the question or two I asked about him was wrong, I see that now coud be considered looking for a report card based on someone else, and I believe that to be wrong.
I have asked a couple of times for feedback (report card, as you say) and sometimes it's hard to get an answer unless she is in that sub place. I am mixed about this, and reading the replies and as I think, I see that some questions about her past were OK, and some, yeah...wrong. I should pick my questions carefully.
I think we have a lot of trust established between us...So asking some questions while she is bound I feel is OK, I'll try to ask her how she felt about being asked questions while she was bound (interrogated, sorry I mispelled it the first time) in a day or two..I'll ask when she isn't at an unfair advantage.

(in reply to Madame4a)
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RE: Asking a more exp sub about her past - 2/22/2010 2:38:39 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Who cares if he was good at rope or not? That's not germane to your relationship.

Asking which she prefers is important, but equally important is why. I dislike chains because they always feel cold and making me cold will cause the scene to end immediately. That's important to know.

However, you need to discover why she can't talk about things. Because the why is germane. If she's afraid to say she likes x because in the past anything she liked was taken away, then she needs to be reassured you won't do that. Same as saying she disliked x, if it became the thing that always happened then she won't feel safe telling you she doesn't like it.

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RE: Asking a more exp sub about her past - 2/22/2010 2:38:40 PM   
lucylucy


Posts: 612
Joined: 3/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ricken
I think we have a lot of trust established between us...So asking some questions while she is bound I feel is OK, I'll try to ask her how she felt about being asked questions while she was bound (interrogated, sorry I mispelled it the first time) in a day or two..I'll ask when she isn't at an unfair advantage.

I think it's a good idea to ask her how she felt about being asked questions while bound. Obviously, not everyone feels the same about that.

But here's another thing to think about: How did YOU feel about asking her questions while she was bound? Did you like it? Remember, it's not your "job" as a Dom to please her. Part of exercising authority and control over someone is understanding that and making her understand what she does that pleases you. If her answering questions while bound pleases you, let her know that she did a good job and give her positive reinforcement. There are lots of things I didn't like initially that my Owner did to me that I love now because I know how much those things please him.

_____________________________

“There are those who give with joy, & that joy is their reward.” Gibran / "Those who are willing to be vulnerable move among mysteries." Roethke / "Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel & kiss the ground." Rumi

(in reply to ricken)
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RE: Asking a more exp sub about her past - 2/22/2010 2:44:53 PM   
zephyroftheNorth


Posts: 8159
Joined: 10/5/2009
From: The Great Frozen North
Status: offline 		Ricken, what matters most is what she thought, if it's what she needs in order to open up then it's all good. If on the other hand it makes her uncomfortable then it's not the right way to do it.

_____________________________

And there's a smile when the pain comes
The pain gonna make ev'rything alright ~ Black Crows

Team Troll Trollop
Member: Cocksuckers For World Peace
Charter member: Lance's Fag Hags
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(in reply to ricken)
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RE: Asking a more exp sub about her past - 2/22/2010 3:39:49 PM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ricken

I guess what I want to know is did I make a big mistake with the questions ?

Not really. And the timing was not a poor choice either.

The only real concerns here are the degree to which you feel comfortable following through on the decisions you make and, afterwards, how much they happen to match what she can like or admire.


_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

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(in reply to ricken)
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RE: Asking a more exp sub about her past - 2/22/2010 3:44:50 PM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		Ricken, on that training to cum standing up issue.....do you have a good hand-held shower massage? With the right spray and amount of pressure, those can be downright yummy....with her standing up in the bathtub or shower, of course.

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RE: Asking a more exp sub about her past - 2/22/2010 4:45:40 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Ricken, you're asked her what she likes.  You've made her do things to please you.  And you're pushing her.  It all sounds good to me.  Keep it up.




_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: Asking a more exp sub about her past - 2/22/2010 5:03:01 PM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ricken
One thing she has remarked is that I'm very imaginative, and she finds it hard to believe that I am inexperinced.


She is the only judge that matters and it sounds like she is impressed.

quote:

  I'm wondering now if she would view my questions as insecurety/weekness ?


Anyone who tells you they don't have weaknesses or never experience insecurity is either woefully lacking in self awareness or is lying through their teeth.

As someone with a ton of experience in the scene, much of it in and around San Francisco, I can tell you that experience is vastly over valued and that creativity and interpersonal skills are FAR more valuable!  You are getting her to do things she hasn't and she is liking it.  If you read the forums here, you are already doing better than 2/3s of the people posting.

Don't make the mistake so many make.  Embrace your inexperience, don't worry about it, throw yourself into it with the joy of exploring new ground.  Joy is infectious in a good way.  Trying to hide or mask inexperience is an insidious poison.   Make learning fun, go to classes, buy books that make you both hot, learn new things.

That alone with make you hotter than 90% of the blowhards on here.

(in reply to ricken)
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