RE: He Can't Order You Around Like That

RE: He Can't Order You Around Like That (Full Version)

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DesFIP -> RE: He Can't Order You Around Like That (2/24/2010 5:21:32 AM)
I don't explain our relationship. I allow others to see for themselves how I am treated. It is obvious to everyone that he takes good care of me. He also doesn't bark orders in public, or in private for that matter. "honey, could you refill my glass" gets no comment from anyone. "Bitch, more soda or you get the cane" would. More importantly when someone has asked why I am always willing to do things for him the explanation is simple. Love. Why wouldn't I want the people I love to be happy? Why wouldn't you do something small like refilling a glass to make someone happy? Why are you so selfish that you can't ever do something without reward for someone you claim to love? Turn it back on them and ask why they don't demonstrate their love.

afkarr -> RE: He Can't Order You Around Like That (2/24/2010 6:44:24 AM)
People in all sorts of relationships consult with each other on a regular basis on a variety of things; why would anybody think this was unusual if you happen to be kinky?

TxRanger -> RE: He Can't Order You Around Like That (2/24/2010 7:07:22 AM)
Ignore it is best but when you can't a polite smile and the truth would be best. "I don't mind, I enjoy it.". If the person asking cares about you that should be enough. If they have a different agenda you should avoid them in the future. The other thing you might ask yourself is if you are being as gracious and discrete as you can be. Is your goal to serve? or to put on a show? Are you being passivly aggressive towards that person by making an issue of you service?

CalifChick -> RE: He Can't Order You Around Like That (2/24/2010 9:29:55 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: afkarr People in all sorts of relationships consult with each other on a regular basis on a variety of things; why would anybody think this was unusual if you happen to be kinky? Depends on the degree of "consulting." If a chick is in Walmart with some galpals and one of them says, "let's go next door to Sonic and grab a bite to eat" and one of the other gals says, "let me call my fella and ask permission first", the other gals are going to look at her funny. Now if she is a bit more discrete and says, "oh crud, I forgot to call (fella) when I said I would" (or something like that) and steps away to call him, then there probably won't be raised eyebrows. Cali

camille65 -> RE: He Can't Order You Around Like That (2/24/2010 9:32:43 AM)
I hit up against this sort of thing last October. I was in the hospital for what turned out to be fluid in one of my lungs (very very ouchie!!), He of course zoomed up to be with me and one of my sisters (control freak, man hating lesbian lol) took it upon herself to come take care of me too. She was very angry that there was already someone there to take care of me (a mayannnnnn!) then she pretty much freaked. "He has no right to be ordering you around" "It's obvious to me that you're having major self-esteem issues that manifest in you being so passive" are just a couple of examples. I tried to explain that it works for me, that what she sees as orders are some of the ways that garner the best response FOR ME. To no avail. Then of course she saw me as being defensive which just reinforced her own conviction that I am in imminent danger yadda yadda yadda. Thankfully I'd already described my sister to Him so he was fairly well prepared for the not so well masked hostility from her. If it hadn't been a sister asking I would have simply said MYOB, but there are a few select people (family) where that is just not acceptable. Being fully honest with her is not acceptable either, she truly cannot understand the type of dynamic not being abusive. Her world is far too narrow and black/white.

lovingpet -> RE: He Can't Order You Around Like That (2/24/2010 10:53:48 AM)
All have had some great points to share and I really wish a simply "I'm happy" or other such would suffice. I really would love it if I could just smile and tell them to mind their own business. With this person and the very direct impact our relationship and our dynamic has on this person's life, I can't. This isn't someone I can or even want to just cut out of the equation either. Further discussion reveals that part of the problem is that some orders may have a crossoever into this person's and my interactions and that is not welcomed. For example, if I have a standing order that undergarments are not acceptable except when permission is granted and I am doing something day to day with this other person, they don't like the idea that I would not be wearing undergarments while with them because of his order instead of my own preference. The person gave no real explanation of why the reason mattered except that it felt like an invasion by him on our time. I offered to just lie LOL. That didn't go over well either (and I didn't figure it would of course). Then I attempted to explain that my preference is to uphold a standing order, so even though I was obeying his requirement, I was also exercising my own preferences. That didn't suit either. GAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!! What difference does it make and how can anyone tell me my preferences are not my preferences????? Needless to say I am running out of ideas and patience, but have to dig deeper on this one. In some private discussion with a close friend who has more intimate knowledge of this situation, we talked about how at some point, it is a choosing not to understand and not an inability or a lack of opportunity and I may fast be reaching that point. That is none too comforting because it mean there won't be resolution and there will be some pretty hard decisions that will have to be made. I hold out hope that this is not the case, but honestly am at a loss at this point. Another conversation about this has brought me to think that this person really does need to see us in action in a variety of situations to get an idea of what we are really talking about here. The person has made every excuse under the sun to not be around when my partner and I have had times together. I suggested this to the person, spending time with us, and it has been met with yet another barrage of excuses. Some of them are almost plausible, most are not. The problem is that the person WILL wind up witnessing and experiencing what we are like together very soon regardless and it is just putting off what is already certain. There could be some orientation to things now that would make the transition easier, but that is basically being rejected. I swear I give up. Then again, I am too stubborn to give up. lovingpet

ownedbyPF -> RE: He Can't Order You Around Like That (2/24/2010 12:26:26 PM)
It sounds really frustrating! I admit when I read the line about this person seeing your lack of undergarments as an invasion of your time I was like... wow! And unfortunately I also thought you may really need to consider if they are simply refusing to cooperate on this and if so, why, and do they even realize they are doing so? My second thought was maybe you could compromise some... and actually I mean compromise without them knowing you are. So, I'll give you a couple of examples. We have kids. I walk around allll day without anything on and in cuffs...... until they get home. I spend my day like this, but they don't know that I do. Once I put clothes on I'm not allowed to wear panties, and I am only allowed to wear skirts. Okay, again, they don't know I don't have panties on, when I go to the store the other people don't know and so on... So maybe you could compromise by wearing a bra, but no panties.. then they wouldn't even know and not telling them you aren't wearing panties isn't lying. Theeeen if they did ask you maybe you could go the route of, "not your business." I mean that would take alot of balls to say, "oh so you're wearing a bra, but are you wearing panties?" Another general rule is that I'm pretty much always on the floor... again, unless the kids are around. It sucks, I'd rather be on the floor, but that's saved for when they aren't here, and when we are in the bedroom. (All though honestly I sit on the floor right in front of them and they are oblivious... i guess they figure if they sit on the floor to play video games why wouldn't I sit on the floor too?) My point is we have curbed alot of things, and been discreet about alot of things that we do right in front of people without them noticing... so maybe ya all need to readjust a little in the beginning to find that comfort area. i dunno, just tossing it out there because i quit frickin smoking yesterday and i'm about to die of a nicotine fit! And this keeps my fingers busy... Plus it might help :) ~s

lovingpet -> RE: He Can't Order You Around Like That (2/24/2010 12:46:01 PM)
That's kind of what I meant by asking if the person wanted me to lie to them. I would be following such a directive and that would be the reason I would not be in bra and panties, but say I didn't feel like it or it was laundry day or whatever. Those reasons would be acceptable. The truth just isn't. My partner and I have discussed that there will be select times when standing orders are not in play. If this were a standing order, I would be pretty firm in wanting to be able to wear bra and panties to church and when dealing with things with my saplings' schools. Most likely it would be agreeable. I might even mention wanting to have the option either way when I am out with vanilla friends, especially this person. That may or may not be pushing it, but say he agrees. If would wear undergarments, then this person would be comfortable I guess because clearly my partner's typical rules are not in play at that point (though, in actuality, this is like a subsection d of said rule). If I am not wearing undergarments, then the automatic questions is going to be why. I can state it's my preference, something along the lines of, "I'm feelin a little slutty today" with a wink and a smile (which would likely be a lie... okay not totally LOL), and I guess that would be cool with this person. The actuality may be that I have the option and choose to keep my partner's order anyway, which would not be cool with this person. I am put in a position to either not act according to what is my preference and say it was just to keep the peace or lie. That just all feels dishonest and cruddy to me. I think this thing of intentionally being uncooperative is what one of my friends was hitting upon last night. This person has had lengthy exposure to bdsm, D/s, M/s, etc, though not us directly by their own choice. There's no way this statement was made from a place of not knowing. Without seeing us interact, the person still knows the basics of what's going on. I put it this way last night. Master orders, slave obeys. End of lesson one. It is extremely basic. I know there is an absolutism and shades of that all the way up to the play bottom who is totally in control of the experience, but still, this is not deep in the lifestyle type information. It may be hard to get one's mind around why someone would want things that way, but it isn't that difficult to understand how or that it is that way. There seems to be a willful "ignorance". That's what's frustrating and I don't know how to overcome. lovingpet

ranja -> RE: He Can't Order You Around Like That (2/24/2010 1:26:05 PM)
FR yes He can would be my answer, He is number One Anyway it tends to amuse people to see Him ordering me about. i have had to explain a few times why i have to ask my husband first... and sometimes even before bdsm, when we were very much a 'normal' married couple... vanilla as they call it... To explain why i can not just make a decision at the drop of a hat, like my Husband is of no importance... well, i think it is totally ignorant of the other person to assume i can just do whatever i please... i am married... i mean do they honestly expect me to treat my Husband like that? Do they treat their husbands or lovers with such contempt? Jeez, thickos, no wonder everybody is splitting up.

Missokyst -> RE: He Can't Order You Around Like That (2/24/2010 1:26:20 PM)
Wowie.. this started because you choose not to wear undies? Screw the explanations! Tell that person outright if they are bothered by jiggling tits, LOOK elsewhere! How rude!

ranja -> RE: He Can't Order You Around Like That (2/24/2010 1:39:43 PM)
If my Husband would ever order me to wear no bra... oh hell... what punishment that would be, i never did understand the bra burning lot at all... anyway if my friend would notice my jingle jangle jugs... hard to miss really... and ask why i wasn't wearing decent support, i would tell her that my Husband is a sadist and had this stupid idea and i am a total moron for going along with it and now i am sat in a lunchroom looking and feeling like an idiot, and everybody is staring at my tits except my Husband... what IS the bloody point??? she would probably choke on her sesamy bun in a fit of laughter Use a rope to tie them properly, keep your coat on, or lie to her... indeed, not all people will understand why you would think it is a good idea to follow a totally strange order... if you want to be taken serious by some people, if you want them to think your man is sane... then don't be silly woman, lie

lovingpet -> RE: He Can't Order You Around Like That (2/24/2010 2:09:20 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Missokyst Wowie.. this started because you choose not to wear undies? Screw the explanations! Tell that person outright if they are bothered by jiggling tits, LOOK elsewhere! How rude! Tis not the jiggling tits that is the problem. It's why they're ajigglin in the first place. LOL This person doesn't want anything about me, my appearance, etc. when with them to have been dictated by my partner. Believe me, it makes my eyes roll too. ranja: Yes, most people make little choices every day without consulting the other half. In some cases this is no big deal and in other cases it is flat out disrespectful. Some even make extremely serious decisions without input from the other half. I am not sure that ever winds up working out well, but then again it isn't my affair, so my observation really doesn't matter. The problem comes in when there is a tie for number one. Who do you consult? Who do you consider and in what order? That's not so simple. As for the rest, in situations where I need a certain degree of traditional decorum, it is where I have asked to have certain "loopholes" in the rules. I only gave the undergarments thing as an example (whether I have this rule or not, the search feature is your friend [;)]). We are both pretty practical people, so he knows there are times when certain expectations are inappropriate or would interfere with getting things done properly. If he were to expect me to strike a bargain on some supplies for his side business, he wouldn't send me to do it dressed in pigtails and mary janes if I were babygirl to him just simply because the people wouldn't take me seriously and would likely not work with me to our benefit. I would probably be in a nice, but flattering dress, thigh highs, and heels and my hair would probably be either down straight or curled and styled to suit. Why? I have to put forth a professional appearance in that situation. I am not one for lying. Okay, so my saplings had the whole Santa and Easter Bunny thing, but that's about it. Most people I wouldn't bother to explain anything to. Many others I wouldn't go into much detail and could care less what they think beyond that. This is just a whole different thing. I won't be pressed into lies. This person and I owe it each other to both be honest with each other and to be accepting of each other. I really am not willing to accept anything less. lovingpet

camille65 -> RE: He Can't Order You Around Like That (2/24/2010 3:29:46 PM)
How on earth does a friend know if you're wearing underclothes?? I don't get how anyone other than Him would know if I'm wearing panties or not, it just isn't something that usually comes up in conversation with friends or family. I guess I'm asking why your friend is privy to this information? If he is uncomfortable knowing you have nothing on under your clothes as per your directive, why do you let him know?

lovingpet -> RE: He Can't Order You Around Like That (2/24/2010 3:46:56 PM)
This person is not a friend and not that kind of family member. He is one family member that would be privy to this information. Getting the idea? lovingpet

Missokyst -> RE: He Can't Order You Around Like That (2/24/2010 3:48:26 PM)
If that is truly the case then tell them outright. "I love it when he tells me what to do. I am a kinky sick fuck who loves domination and submission. Got a problem with that? If so, I am sorry for that, but since we are being honest I have to tell you, it is none of your business how I conduct my personal life." As I see it, you have two choices. Omit details and hope that who ever it is isn't a busybody. Or, come out and give them data that they will try to convince you is wrong. Do you think you are wrong? quote: ORIGINAL: lovingpet This person and I owe it each other to both be honest with each other and to be accepting of each other. I really am not willing to accept anything less. lovingpet

camille65 -> RE: He Can't Order You Around Like That (2/24/2010 3:51:48 PM)
Spouse? Seriously I feel dense right now.

lovingpet -> RE: He Can't Order You Around Like That (2/24/2010 3:58:06 PM)
Not the exact wording, but I did say this very bluntly and have several times. I went on to explain what domination and submission is in my universe and how that plays out in how I go about things. The two by four approach didn't work either. Doh!!!!! lovingpet quote: ORIGINAL: Missokyst If that is truly the case then tell them outright. "I love it when he tells me what to do. I am a kinky sick fuck who loves domination and submission. Got a problem with that? If so, I am sorry for that, but since we are being honest I have to tell you, it is none of your business how I conduct my personal life." As I see it, you have two choices. Omit details and hope that who ever it is isn't a busybody. Or, come out and give them data that they will try to convince you is wrong. Do you think you are wrong? quote: ORIGINAL: lovingpet This person and I owe it each other to both be honest with each other and to be accepting of each other. I really am not willing to accept anything less. lovingpet

CalifChick -> RE: He Can't Order You Around Like That (2/24/2010 3:58:21 PM)
Okay, so it's not that you're not wearing a bra, it's the REASON that you're not wearing a bra. Right? quote: This person and I owe it each other to both be honest with each other and to be accepting of each other. I really am not willing to accept anything less. He is one family member that would be privy to this information. Okay, I didn't find what I was looking for using search, but if I remember correctly, this has something to do with your move and the people involved in your move. If I am correct on that, and this involves someone in your general age bracket, then I have to wonder what the heck is going on. I would think that this would have been CRUCIAL to work out before making serious plans (the premise, not the bra issue). Otherwise, aren't you just rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic? Unless I'm mixing you up with someone else. Cali

lovingpet -> RE: He Can't Order You Around Like That (2/24/2010 3:59:14 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: camille65 Spouse? Seriously I feel dense right now. hands camille a cookie and some gold stars [:)] lovingpet

camille65 -> RE: He Can't Order You Around Like That (2/24/2010 4:28:26 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lovingpet quote: ORIGINAL: camille65 Spouse? Seriously I feel dense right now. hands camille a cookie and some gold stars [:)] lovingpet puts the cookie on her forehead and nibbles one of the stars Okies. It sounds to me like the whole concept of WIITWD escapes him, not just escapes him but is something he has active disinterest about. Is he unhappy with your arrangement? If I'm asking questions that are too personal please feel free to tell me to buzz off! But it comes across (at least to me) as if he dislikes the entire thing and isn't happy with the balance that has been struck.

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