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Communication,vs "it's all about me" - 2/23/2010 1:43:00 PM   
Smutmonger


Posts: 995
Joined: 2/17/2010
Status: offline 		I always find this to be an interesting topic. In a community that seems to express so much about relevant communication-and can't even seem to process the more clear posts here in objective terms?

Instead,I seem to see a large number of repetitive posts that have to do with "Interpeting this with how I would feel in that situation." Which does no good as advice.

It sort of cues me to why so many D/s relatioships fall into ruin in such a short period of time. How can you possibly understand where another person is coming from-if they HAVE to be the same as you?
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RE: Communication,vs "it's all about me" - 2/23/2010 1:49:15 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		I don't think anyone HAS to be the same as me - but I can only give advice from MY point of view - and that may or may not be helpful. I could state catagorically that every dom or sub has to meet within a week of initiating communication - since that worked for me - but, as we all know, like arseholes, opinions don't work for everyone.

and for your info - i have been in a 24/7 relationship for 4 years and show no signs of petering out. So something about my communication works.

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RE: Communication,vs "it's all about me" - 2/23/2010 1:52:30 PM   
antinomy


Posts: 124
Joined: 3/7/2008
Status: offline 		Because there really is no community here- just a bunch of people under a similar umbrella? Many people are not interested in learning about another's point of view, and are quite content with the way they see things. But, that's not something that's particular to a site like this. D/s is peopled by the same population as the world at large; no reason to think there would be less of a failure rate in relationships here than elsewhere. If anything, with all of the other areas that compatibility is required (and given the fact that people are no more enlightened here than elsewhere) the failure ratio should not be surprising at all.

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RE: Communication,vs "it's all about me" - 2/23/2010 2:03:37 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I have to agree with antinomy.  I don't especially see this as a community.  I see it as a website.  We wouldn't say that a website dedicated to quilting automatically means that it becomes a quilting community.  It would just be another place through the web that people post their ideas about quilting.  (They probably argue about the best way to be quilting, too.)

There are people on this site that I happen to consider as a part of My family, friends, or people who's company that I enjoy because they happen to be here.  Some of them, I respect their opinions a great deal.  However, that isn't the case for everybody just because we have crossed electronic paths.


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RE: Communication,vs "it's all about me" - 2/23/2010 2:25:03 PM   
VaguelyCurious


Posts: 5264
Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Smutmonger

I always find this to be an interesting topic. In a community that seems to express so much about relevant communication-and can't even seem to process the more clear posts here in objective terms?


What does communication have to do with objectivity? Communication is expressing thoughts/feelings/information in a clearly understandable way; objectivity is the ability to form an opinion without allowing your own situation to colour it.

What on earth makes you think that people who place a high value on communication are automatically going to place a high value on objectivity?!


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RE: Communication,vs "it's all about me" - 2/23/2010 2:27:13 PM   
Smutmonger


Posts: 995
Joined: 2/17/2010
Status: offline 		Because being totally egocentric in your views makes it difficult to actually HEAR what other people are trying to communicate?


quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious

quote:

ORIGINAL: Smutmonger

I always find this to be an interesting topic. In a community that seems to express so much about relevant communication-and can't even seem to process the more clear posts here in objective terms?


What does communication have to do with objectivity? Communication is expressing thoughts/feelings/information in a clearly understandable way; objectivity is the ability to form an opinion without allowing your own situation to colour it.

What on earth makes you think that people who place a high value on communication are automatically going to place a high value on objectivity?!



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RE: Communication,vs "it's all about me" - 2/23/2010 2:29:08 PM   
VaguelyCurious


Posts: 5264
Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Smutmonger

Because being totally egocentric in your views makes it difficult to actually HEAR what other people are trying to communicate?


quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious

quote:

ORIGINAL: Smutmonger

I always find this to be an interesting topic. In a community that seems to express so much about relevant communication-and can't even seem to process the more clear posts here in objective terms?


What does communication have to do with objectivity? Communication is expressing thoughts/feelings/information in a clearly understandable way; objectivity is the ability to form an opinion without allowing your own situation to colour it.

What on earth makes you think that people who place a high value on communication are automatically going to place a high value on objectivity?!





But if someone asks an opinion (which is the format of a lot of CM threads) what else do you expect people to do?

Also it's possible to listen to someone and disagree with them...


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RE: Communication,vs "it's all about me" - 2/23/2010 3:25:26 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I am not that person. I am not in their brain.
I can only tell them what I would do, how I would feel, what I have done in similar situations.
How else would you like others to answer??



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RE: Communication,vs "it's all about me" - 2/23/2010 3:27:08 PM   
Smutmonger


Posts: 995
Joined: 2/17/2010
Status: offline 		By not automatically assuming the worst possible thing-and then berating them for nonsense that was never there to begin with.


quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

I am not that person. I am not in their brain.
I can only tell them what I would do, how I would feel, what I have done in similar situations.
How else would you like others to answer??





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RE: Communication,vs "it's all about me" - 2/23/2010 3:28:20 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		I can only agree with LadyPact.

There are people I know intimately, have for years, that I still do not understand how their brains work and why they do some of the things they do........how in the HELL can I possibly give some random fool online an answer from their perspective???


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Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: Communication,vs "it's all about me" - 2/23/2010 3:31:44 PM   
VaguelyCurious


Posts: 5264
Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
Status: offline 		See, now your communication isn't so hot; in the first post the problem was people

quote:

"Interpeting this with how I would feel in that situation."


but now we've suddenly jumped to

quote:

automatically assuming the worst possible thing-and then berating them for nonsense that was never there to begin with.


These are two different problems, no?


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RE: Communication,vs "it's all about me" - 2/23/2010 3:43:27 PM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline 		in a way it is (quote) 'all about me' (unquote) -

people can only draw from their own experience, concepts or passions.

when it goes wrong is when someone tries to bulldoze their opinion across the forum and discount everyone elses as inferior or misguided or bollox. then youll get people defending their corner and belief system. add to that someone who thinks they corner that particular end of the market and you get some sort of self styled 'expert' continuously espousing their opinion ad nauseum, regardless of the opinions to the contrary - then you get flame wars and they range from great fun to boring.

but in the end you have quite a few people trying to find out about themselves here who are still feeling protective about who they are and what theyre looking for. then it is all about them because they really are trying to get to grips with aspiring thoughts and foetid fantasies.

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So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

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RE: Communication,vs "it's all about me" - 2/23/2010 3:48:12 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Smutmonger

By not automatically assuming the worst possible thing-and then berating them for nonsense that was never there to begin with.


quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

I am not that person. I am not in their brain.
I can only tell them what I would do, how I would feel, what I have done in similar situations.
How else would you like others to answer??







I don't see how that has anything at all to do with your post but ok.
Some questions from others on here though are well...let's just say it makes me wonder how they ever got through life so far.


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RE: Communication,vs "it's all about me" - 2/23/2010 4:10:57 PM   
cloudboy


Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:


How can you possibly understand where another person is coming from-if they HAVE to be the same as you?



Seems like you are butting your head up against human nature.

Maybe its just the way of the world. Being different, or being oppositional might get you tagged as "bitter," "attacking," or even "stalking."

Its greasier to go along. Most people want reinforcement, adulation, and a sense of "I'm right."

< Message edited by cloudboy -- 2/23/2010 4:20:52 PM >

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RE: Communication,vs "it's all about me" - 2/23/2010 4:30:43 PM   
lucylucy


Posts: 612
Joined: 3/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious
What does communication have to do with objectivity? Communication is expressing thoughts/feelings/information in a clearly understandable way; objectivity is the ability to form an opinion without allowing your own situation to colour it.

I would say good communication isn't about expressing thoughts/feelings/information first and formost; it has to start with good listening, and I see a lot of people failing at the listening part (which in an online forum translates to careful reading). A lot of folks just skim a post before responding, missing important details. Other people don't bother to read an entire thread before posting, so they either repeat what's already been said or miss out on further details that were provided to enhance the OP in the thread.

I've been guilty of all this, I'm sorry to say. But I'm working on it.

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RE: Communication,vs "it's all about me" - 2/23/2010 4:33:34 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Smutmonger

Because being totally egocentric in your views makes it difficult to actually HEAR what other people are trying to communicate?


quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious

quote:

ORIGINAL: Smutmonger

I always find this to be an interesting topic. In a community that seems to express so much about relevant communication-and can't even seem to process the more clear posts here in objective terms?


What does communication have to do with objectivity? Communication is expressing thoughts/feelings/information in a clearly understandable way; objectivity is the ability to form an opinion without allowing your own situation to colour it.

What on earth makes you think that people who place a high value on communication are automatically going to place a high value on objectivity?!





It works the same way in reverse... believing you can be completely objective is also filled with pitfalls...

I only have my perspective,  I do not have the delusion of believing it is the only perspective, nor the best perspective... it is only mine. The advice I give is only as good as the person who asked for it frames their question, and even then it is only as good as my ability to decipher what they wrote, and even then it is only as good as their ability to decode what I wrote... it is amazing that communication succeeds as much as it does, it is fraught with so many barriers...

From my personal perspective, anyone that thinks they are giving "objective" advice, well their filter is flawed just because they believe that

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RE: Communication,vs "it's all about me" - 2/23/2010 4:34:57 PM   
VaguelyCurious


Posts: 5264
Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lucylucy

quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious
What does communication have to do with objectivity? Communication is expressing thoughts/feelings/information in a clearly understandable way; objectivity is the ability to form an opinion without allowing your own situation to colour it.

I would say good communication isn't about expressing thoughts/feelings/information first and formost; it has to start with good listening, and I see a lot of people failing at the listening part (which in an online forum translates to careful reading). A lot of folks just skim a post before responding, missing important details. Other people don't bother to read an entire thread before posting, so they either repeat what's already been said or miss out on further details that were provided to enhance the OP in the thread.


Good point-although I still think the OP's assumed correlation with objectivity was a bit random...


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RE: Communication,vs "it's all about me" - 2/23/2010 4:37:48 PM   
lucylucy


Posts: 612
Joined: 3/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious
quote:

ORIGINAL: lucylucy
quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious
What does communication have to do with objectivity? Communication is expressing thoughts/feelings/information in a clearly understandable way; objectivity is the ability to form an opinion without allowing your own situation to colour it.

I would say good communication isn't about expressing thoughts/feelings/information first and formost; it has to start with good listening, and I see a lot of people failing at the listening part (which in an online forum translates to careful reading). A lot of folks just skim a post before responding, missing important details. Other people don't bother to read an entire thread before posting, so they either repeat what's already been said or miss out on further details that were provided to enhance the OP in the thread.

Good point-although I still think the OP's assumed correlation with objectivity was a bit random...

I don't personally believe in objectivity. Smutmonger, how about "neutrality"?

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“There are those who give with joy, & that joy is their reward.” Gibran / "Those who are willing to be vulnerable move among mysteries." Roethke / "Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel & kiss the ground." Rumi

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RE: Communication,vs "it's all about me" - 2/23/2010 8:20:02 PM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
I have to agree with antinomy. I don't especially see this as a community.


Actually, I have spent most of my academic career analysing communities and organizations. One of the hardest thing is clearly defining the boundaries of a community. In the simplest, most traditional of terms, a community is group of interacting people in a defined space. So in those terms, yes, this is an online community.

What a community feels like to each can differ as this is completely subjective. You may feel a sense of community or not. That doesn't however mean that the community does not exist.

For the record, I see it as a community.  We have structure, we have rules, we have moderators, we have people interacting, we have a space. Not a tight community nor a particularly cohesive one, but nonetheless it is, by definition a community.

Within this community, there are also micro communities. There are also communities that span outside this community and mix with others.

quote:

ORIGINAL: lucylucy
I don't personally believe in objectivity. Smutmonger, how about "neutrality"?


That is an intersting proposition. With neutrality, it would be hard to see various facets of a an issue.

I think it is amazing when someone can state their opinion without making it sound like the one true opinion.

I think it is also helpful when someone can read another person's opinion without feeling threatened by it.

What irks me actually is unsollicited advice. I try very hard not to give advice unless someone asks for it. And when someone asks for advice, I try to put myself in their shoes and suggest what I think would be the best in their circumstances and not what is the best for me. I don't however feel that this is always possible because as you mentioned, objectivity is a hard thing to accomplish.

For the record, I don't see objectivity as impossible. I see it as improbable.

- LA


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RE: Communication,vs "it's all about me" - 2/23/2010 8:22:55 PM   
Smutmonger


Posts: 995
Joined: 2/17/2010
Status: offline 		Do you ever come here and start a dialogue with someone-and that it has nothing to do with what you actually commented on? It's like some obscene thing where you say "The sun is shining,it makes me happy"

And they reply "You really have to do something about your fixation with super-novas-have you considered seeking therapy?"

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