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LafayetteLady -> RE: Jealousy/ Possessivness? (2/25/2010 7:14:50 PM)
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I don't think that they are the same thing, although someone who is jealous will usually be possessive.
I think that most people will feel at least a little jealous sometimes and it is perfectly normal. However, it is usually caused by insecurity. That insecurity can be caused by low self esteem, or it can be a direct result of the other partner's behavior. If there are problems in the relationship that aren't being dealt with, a person can feel insecure in their relationship and not necessarily have low self esteem.
So to answer your question, a lot depends on *why* you are feeling so jealous and possessive and angry. I understand you may not be asking in reference to yourself, but it is easier to just use "you" when answering, so it is a general "you."
If you are out somewhere and your partner is flirting with a very pretty girl and ignoring you, a little jealousy is normal, after all, that kind of behavior is inappropriate (in my opinion, regardless of the relationship dynamic). The "adult" response is to later communicate to your partner that his behavior made you uncomfortable and you would prefer he refrain from such behavior in the future. In a good relationship, that would be the end of it.
On the other hand, if your partner is constantly ogling other women and flirting shamelessly all the time, regardless of you explaining how it makes you feel, you will begin to be insecure in the relationship. At the same time, if that is what is happening, do you really want to be in that kind of relationship.
Now if the jealousy and possessiveness is caused by your personal insecurities, that is something entirely different. You will see your partner ogling and flirting even if it isn't happening. Your fears will make you possessive and ruin the relationship.
The only way to keep that type of jealousy from ruining the relationship is to figure out why you are so insecure and to attempt to fix that problem within yourself. No easy task for sure, but really the only way to keep it from ruining your relationship and future ones.
What it really boils down to is if your partner is doing things to make you jealous (many people do it on purpose) and no amount of talking makes it stop, then there really isn't a point to becoming so jealous and possessive. You should be angry because your partner is disrespecting you, but you can't fix it and need to re-evaluate the relationship.
If you are insecure about the relationship for reasons within yourself and not because of anything your partner is doing, then you have to figure out why you feel that way so you can fix the problem for the sake of your relationships. Most often that kind of insecurity is fall out from a previous relationship. Recognizing that your current partner is not the jerk who cheated on you, for example, is a start. Again, you talk with your current partner and let them know about these issues that you are trying to deal with ask them to be patient with you and help you overcome it. Sometimes, your current partner just reminding you politely when you are starting to let those feelings overwhelm you is enough to get it in check. Your partner shouldn't need to walk on eggshells around you, but at the same time, while you are working to overcome it, it is respectful to try to not be flirty or engage in the kind of behavior that makes you feel insecure.
At the end of the day, you are either in a relationship where your partner isn't worth the aggravation he is causing you, or you need to figure out what is making you feel insecure in your situation when there is nothing happening to make you insecure. Both problems will destry your relationship.
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