Teaching someone new. (Full Version)

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frazzle -> Teaching someone new. (2/26/2010 2:06:54 PM)

I have sortof agreed to teach a new Dom.

My first step is getting him to read up on reality and throw away the porn/fantasy.

I dont switch and am not trying to make him sub, i just cant see how this is going to work. if ive had to top enough to teach him, im never going to submit to him. my head wont go there.

i have asked him what he's looking for, and he hasnt a clue. Ok I threw the 3 hour blow jobs out the window.

He seems like a nice chap, wants to learn, im not sure im the right teacher.

Suggestions and advice would be appreciated.

Thanks peeps, and please dont crucify me, that isnt a comfy positon[:)]



AquaticSub -> RE: Teaching someone new. (2/26/2010 3:07:14 PM)

You don't need to be a switch or top to teach him. If he orders you to tell him how a strike feels during a scene, good pain or bad pain, you submit by telling him. As a teaching bottom, I can honestly say I've never felt particularly "toppy" when providing feedback to a new dom/top. Granted, I don't always get into subspace the first few times. However, I will say I come out ahead in the end when they take the skills they've learned with my help and show me how they've improved. Oh my that is delicious...

Outside of a scene, I truly don't see how it's much different than teaching him out to fish, bake a cake, or giving him the rundown on any particular culture that you happen to know about and he doesn't. It's not as though you'll have him kneeling at your feet is it? [;)]

Basically, I look at these things very simply. You, the submissive, have information he, the dominant wants. Obey and provide. I know it can work very well as I was Valyraen's introduction to things. [:)]



Valyraen -> RE: Teaching someone new. (2/26/2010 4:20:09 PM)

New dom, knowing nothing about the lifestyle, getting together (in as broad a sense as you want to interpret that term) with a more experienced submissive... yeah, I wouldn't know anything about that at all...

Really, I didn't feel any sense of submission in learning from Aqua how to perform the technicals of topping. I did things, and she provided me with feedback on whether the things I was doing felt good to her. Nor did I really have any idea of where I wanted to go with things while learning... we just sort of ended up here through mutual patience, communication, and stick-to-it-iv-ness. Hell, I wasn't even sure if I was cut out to be a dominant when we first got together, and it took me a goodly bit of soul-searching to realize that I'm comfortable being a bad, bad man.

It might help if you realize you're not making him do anything. If anything, you've already submitted, in a way, by agreeing to help him learn. There's more to being a dominant than the technical processes of topping someone, and the physical stuff was the easiest for me to pick up, and became just a matter of practicing until I had the experience to change things up on the fly. The change in perspective was much, much more difficult.



DarkSteven -> RE: Teaching someone new. (2/26/2010 4:57:46 PM)

Can you attend groups together so he can get a feel for the lifestyle?



sleepingbeauty2 -> RE: Teaching someone new. (2/26/2010 6:12:08 PM)

I tend to agree with you. It's something he will learn himself if he can. Maybe from trial and error, but I kind of believe that it can't be taught without compromising the dynamic.



AcademyForSlaves -> RE: Teaching someone new. (2/26/2010 6:33:41 PM)

Hi.

We tutor Dommes for free and here's some tips that might help.

-Find out what they want to achieve, their goals, etc.
-Teach them the basics 1st. The main important points.
-Tell them to always ask if they have any questions. Get into their mind so you can teach them.
-Teach them one thing at a time. Take it slow.
-They need to know to not go off on their own until time is right. That's when mistakes are made. They need to know to take it slow.

Hope this helps. Lots more on GoddessClub.com



AquaticSub -> RE: Teaching someone new. (2/26/2010 7:41:21 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sleepingbeauty2

I tend to agree with you. It's something he will learn himself if he can. Maybe from trial and error, but I kind of believe that it can't be taught without compromising the dynamic.


How will it compromise the dynamic? I fully understand that not everyone will be comfortable teaching their dominant and not every dominant will be comfortable learning from their submissive but how does it compromise the dynamic to do so any more than it compromises the dynamic if the submissive takes the dominant to a shooting range and instructs them on gun safety and how to fire?



frazzle -> RE: Teaching someone new. (2/27/2010 5:15:39 AM)

Thanks for the advice Aqua, i suppose i'll just have to see how things go.

And DS, he's already made it very clear he doesnt want to attend any events, i may have to "encourage" him a bit more on that one[:)]



frazzle -> RE: Teaching someone new. (2/27/2010 5:17:12 AM)

Thanks Valyrean, i shall try keep that in my head.



sleepingbeauty2 -> RE: Teaching someone new. (2/27/2010 6:18:44 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

quote:

ORIGINAL: sleepingbeauty2

I tend to agree with you. It's something he will learn himself if he can. Maybe from trial and error, but I kind of believe that it can't be taught without compromising the dynamic.


How will it compromise the dynamic? I fully understand that not everyone will be comfortable teaching their dominant and not every dominant will be comfortable learning from their submissive but how does it compromise the dynamic to do so any more than it compromises the dynamic if the submissive takes the dominant to a shooting range and instructs them on gun safety and how to fire?


I'm not saying the dynamic can't be learned. But I am not a Dom or Master. I can't teach that, as it is not a process I have undergone. Maybe I can teach how to interact with a sub to get the response that is desired. The whole dynamic is a learning processes between the two individuals. But there aspects to being a Master that just can't be taught or explained from a sub. Maybe a new Master/Dom can intiutively figure it out and as I said, through trial and error and of course it is an ongoing process.

I think it's a combination of what is inherently part of the person, and what CAN be learned. I don't have the part that is within a dominant and I can't teach that and I don't want to think my Master is deficient in that respect that he needs ME to teach it to him. Could I occasionally point out that I have maybe not listened to him well, and maybe could use some correction? Maybe once or twice. Any more than that would simply be frustrating to me and turn me off to the situatuion. I want to learn from my Master, and while I'm willing to let his learning process unfold, I don't want to spend my whole time being a teacher. I need to perceive him as strong and knowledgeable, or at least smart enough to learn quickly, or it will not work out for me.



DarkSteven -> RE: Teaching someone new. (2/27/2010 9:06:06 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: frazzle

DS, he's already made it very clear he doesnt want to attend any events, i may have to "encourage" him a bit more on that one[:)]


If he's a natural Dom, he'll resist you topping from the bottom...



AquaticSub -> RE: Teaching someone new. (2/28/2010 3:27:32 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sleepingbeauty2
I'm not saying the dynamic can't be learned. But I am not a Dom or Master. I can't teach that, as it is not a process I have undergone. Maybe I can teach how to interact with a sub to get the response that is desired. The whole dynamic is a learning processes between the two individuals. But there aspects to being a Master that just can't be taught or explained from a sub. Maybe a new Master/Dom can intiutively figure it out and as I said, through trial and error and of course it is an ongoing process.

Teaching someone to flog, what collars commonly mean to those in the lifestyle, how people commonly define this or that, etc is not teaching someone how to be a dominant. I don't think that can be taught either. I also don't think someone can teach themselves how to be dominant or submissive. They either are or they aren't however much they may need assistence in realizing it.

Quite frankly, I don't think the dynamic can be "taught" in this context. Sure, you can teach someone about it in terms of teaching someone about a subculture of sexuality, but you can't teach the enjoyment either of it. Either a person finds joy in having that dynamic or they don't. And if they do and they just don't know the easy part - how to weild a whip or the various protocals and ways things can be done... I still don't see how it's topping from the bottom or threatening the dynamic to teach those things.
quote:


I think it's a combination of what is inherently part of the person, and what CAN be learned. I don't have the part that is within a dominant and I can't teach that and I don't want to think my Master is deficient in that respect that he needs ME to teach it to him. Could I occasionally point out that I have maybe not listened to him well, and maybe could use some correction? Maybe once or twice. Any more than that would simply be frustrating to me and turn me off to the situatuion. I want to learn from my Master, and while I'm willing to let his learning process unfold, I don't want to spend my whole time being a teacher. I need to perceive him as strong and knowledgeable, or at least smart enough to learn quickly, or it will not work out for me.


Valyraen was clearly a dominant before I came along - I didn't teach him to be a dominant. He did shown how to express it, how to cause pleasure-pain and what terms mean, how various power dynamics are structured so that he could figure out what he wanted. It was information that he could have picked up on the Internet but he didn't want to. He wanted to learn it from his girl for a lot of reasons.

I don't understand your last statement in the slightest. Would you perceive a physics professor as unknowledgable simply because he hasn't been exposed to BDSM and power dynamic relationships yet? In our case, Valyraen is quite intelliegent or I wouldn't have bothered with him. However, it just happened that he didn't have experience before me. How many people are first exposed to BDSM and power dynamics later in life? Not knowing about this stuff yet doesn't make a person intelligent or unworldly. Just means they need someone to go over the basics of all this.

I suppose whenever I see this topic I see "Oh I'll serve you and love you but G-d forbid I have to teach you". If I didn't know things that Valyraen didn't, he'd already be bored of me. We teach each other all the time and I just don't see the difference in instructing him in how to fire a gun (he had to listen to me or we'd be kicked off the range) and teaching him how to hold a flogger so he didn't have to go events before he wanted to. In both cases, I had information he wanted. I served him by providing it.



AQuietSimpleMan -> RE: Teaching someone new. (2/28/2010 10:15:57 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: frazzle
And DS, he's already made it very clear he doesnt want to attend any events, i may have to "encourage" him a bit more on that one[:)]


If he is not willing to do what it takes to learn then how can you teach him?

If you are unable to get him to articulate what he wants/needs then maybe you are not going to be able to teach him and you need to send him off to find someone else to mentor him.

Question: Are you having sex, or engaging in any kind of sexual activity with him?

If you are this may be the real reason that he is interested at all. and you may want to address the part you actually play in this whole situation.

QSM



osf -> RE: Teaching someone new. (2/28/2010 12:01:41 PM)

Is this for real?



frazzle -> RE: Teaching someone new. (2/28/2010 12:25:29 PM)

Not having sex and no intention of doing so.

To be honest i think thats all he wants and using the "i want to learn" as a way to get it.




LadyAngelika -> RE: Teaching someone new. (2/28/2010 4:53:59 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: frazzle
And DS, he's already made it very clear he doesnt want to attend any events, i may have to "encourage" him a bit more on that one[:)]


If he doesn't want to go to events, don't try to encourage it. I never, ever, wanted to go to events. I went to 1 in the last 10 years.

If he's a relatively smart man, he'll figure out what he wants. Here is a list of books he might read: http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=1726118

- LA





frazzle -> RE: Teaching someone new. (2/28/2010 6:06:29 PM)

Thanks LA, i have now cancelled the whole thing. he has no wish to learn.

He thought, sub meant stupid, and he'd get laid.



LadyAngelika -> RE: Teaching someone new. (2/28/2010 6:13:23 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: frazzle

Thanks LA, i have now cancelled the whole thing. he has no wish to learn.

He thought, sub meant stupid, and he'd get laid.


Then just send him the list of books. Maybe he'll learn before the next one comes along.

- LA



AQuietSimpleMan -> RE: Teaching someone new. (2/28/2010 6:17:44 PM)

I had thought I had smelled a particular Fragarence

Smelled of Douche.

QSM



frazzle -> RE: Teaching someone new. (2/28/2010 6:22:42 PM)

i give people, the benefit of the doubt. i still have this strange concept that people are honest.

yes i live in a mental institute [:D]



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