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Dealing with distance - 2/28/2010 3:52:47 AM   
PervertDADDY


Posts: 7
Joined: 1/12/2008
Status: offline 		Hi, this is aimed particularly at anyone in a DD/lg relationship.

I'm a Daddy Dom and I get to see my lg only about once a month. It's very hard for both of us....we live miles apart.

Unfortunately, I've recently discovered she has a problem with honesty. She took off for a whole week to stay with friends without telling me. I knew she was away cos she used a computer to get in touch with me and the IP address was different. So, as u can imagine, I thought the worse.

My point is, she does seem to make bad choices when we're apart. Silly choices. Her explanation for the above was that she was missing me so much and had to fill the time in. She lives with her parents and has a hard time from them in a number of ways....partly about the age difference between us, etc. I know she loves me cos she cries when we part.....but I really can't accept dishonesty from her.

So, a few questions.....am i being a fool to carry on the relationship? My heart tells me I'm not......i love her and want to protect and make her happy so much. Am I being too controlling....should i just force myself to accept this behaviour? And anyone have any suggestions.....ideas for me to help her not do such foolish things again?

< Message edited by PervertDADDY -- 2/28/2010 3:56:03 AM >
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RE: Dealing with distance - 2/28/2010 3:58:04 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline 		1) Why are you checking her IP address? And, BTW, that doesn't always mean anything. She could just have just been on the internet somewhere where it's set to display a random IP address as a safety procaution.

2) What's the big deal with her staying with friends? Does she have to ask your permission for that?

3) Did she deny being away?

I don't know if you are fool or not but there are clearly some trust issues going on. Also, crying while you are away doesn't mean she loves you. It could just mean she is a really good actress (if she cries on the phone with you) or she's lying about crying. It's also really easy to miss someone when they aren't there to annoy you.

As for suggestions, you really haven't shown me anything she's done that's foolish. If she was supposed to get your permission before heading out with friends, you need to just talk to her about that. But, having been in a long-distence relationship, taking a week to spend with friends sounds incredibly reasonable. That always perked my spirits, cheered me up and got me away from the house where I was just moping around and waiting for the next visit.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

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RE: Dealing with distance - 2/28/2010 4:06:35 AM   
PervertDADDY


Posts: 7
Joined: 1/12/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

1) Why are you checking her IP address? And, BTW, that doesn't always mean anything. She could just have just been on the internet somewhere where it's set to display a random IP address as a safety procaution.

2) What's the big deal with her staying with friends? Does she have to ask your permission for that?

3) Did she deny being away?


HI, thanks for your reply.

1) Because i could tell there was a difference...she was txting me less, claimed her internet account wasnt working properly, opened a new yahoo account to chat with me just the once, etc.

2) No, but because of the above I suspected the worse.

3) Yes, she did deny being away until I confronted her with the evidence.

quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

As for suggestions, you really haven't shown me anything she's done that's foolish. If she was supposed to get your permission before heading out with friends, you need to just talk to her about that. But, having been in a long-distence relationship, taking a week to spend with friends sounds incredibly reasonable. That always perked my spirits, cheered me up and got me away from the house where I was just moping around and waiting for the next visit.


Yes, I agree.....I want her to be happy. But by foolish i mean she hardly knew the people she was staying with....they were people she met in a chat room and she stayed with them for a whole 10 days. Honestly, I found the lies really hard to handle.

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RE: Dealing with distance - 2/28/2010 4:16:27 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline 		I see where you are coming from better now, thanks for answering my questions.

The staying with people from a chat room is probably foolish... but then again, I'm scrambling to get things in order so that (hopefully) I can go attend a birthday party with people off these forums! It would really depend on how long she knew them in the chat room and how safe she felt. I don't feel comfortable sleeping in other people's homes but if she had her car and could leave whenever she wanted... I've seen people do things that (to me) are more dangerous. Like flying across the world to stay with people they've met on the Internet.

But, to me, that isn't really the issue. The issue is that she lied to you about it. Do you know why she felt she had to lie about it? Is it anything beyond "I didn't want to tell you"? If she's lying to you about this, I'd severely question what else she is lying to you about - like if you are the only one in her life.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

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RE: Dealing with distance - 2/28/2010 4:52:19 AM   
dreamerdreaming


Posts: 2839
Status: offline 		The below is ONE way of thinking about it, and with the very little info at hand, of course I have no clue whether she was banging some other guy for ten days like you do suspect, or whether she just needed some time with friends and didn't want the third degree from you over something perfectly innocent:

She's been afraid to be honest with you. Why she wants to carry on a relationship with someone she doesn't feel safe being honest with, - and why you want to carry on a relationship with someone you inspire fear in, instead of trust,- and of whom you are suspicious- is beyond me. She fears being honest with you because if she tells you the honest truth, she doesn't think you will believe her. And you've given her reason to feel this way apparently- because you do feel like she was sleeping around- you are suspicious of her. Maybe she was sleeping around but do you see my point? If it had been completely platonic time with friends, wouldn't matter because you don't believe it. That's why she hides it. You don't trust her.

The two of you are going nowhere. Her fear will keep her hiding things from you, and your fear and mistrust will cause you to keep giving her reasons to hide things from you. Suspicion, fear and mistrust are self-fulfilling prophecies. You each will continue to bring out that behavior which you are seeking to avoid, in your partner, - by your own behaviors.

I don't see a happy ending here. If she's not already cheating on you, your behavior will either drive her to it (when you're blamed for stealing cookies from the cookie jar long enough, you may very easily eventually feel foolish for not doing it- and go ahead and take them because you'll say "since I'm always being accused, lemme at least get the damn cookies")....Or she'll just dump you. Or you'll dump her, thinking she's cheated on you- whether or not there's any conclusive evidence.


Again, this is the best I can do with the very little info at hand.

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Distance and Dishonisty - 2/28/2010 5:15:48 AM   
PervertDADDY


Posts: 7
Joined: 1/12/2008
Status: offline 		My apologies....I should have given more info in my original post.

Yes, i did suspect the worse when i first realised she was lying to me. I thought she was seeing someone else. But now i'm thinking that her explanation seems reasonable.

What does she give as her reason for lying? Well, this is the problem.......it's just along the lines of "i didn't want u to worry about me". She also implies that i would give her the third degree.....and i dunno maybe she's right. But I really wish she could give me a more concrete explanation as to why she lied. I honestly don't think i inspire fear in her. If i do and she's not telling me, then i'm clearly doing something very wrong indeed.

< Message edited by PervertDADDY -- 2/28/2010 5:18:54 AM >

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RE: Distance and Dishonisty - 2/28/2010 5:25:21 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline 		Interesting reason. Have you tried talking to her and explaining that it worries you more when you don't know what she is doing? Since I don't know you or her, it's possible that she is justified in thinking that you would give her the third degree. Or maybe she feels that being asked a few basic questions ("Where are you going? How long? Will you have your own car?") is the third degree.

She might be more sensitive to questions because she is living with her parents. From my experience, even though I'm married to and live with my owner, when I go home for a visit and am under my parents roof, their thinking automatically reverts back to when I was 16 and they needed to give me the third degree to keep me safe. If her parents are already riding her case about where she goes and what she does, it's entirely possible that the last thing she wants is to get it from you as well.

Or she could be lying about a whole lot and it just telling you whatever will make you doubt yourself and keep you off her back for awhile longer.


_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to PervertDADDY)
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RE: Distance and Dishonisty - 2/28/2010 6:07:35 AM   
dreamerdreaming


Posts: 2839
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: PervertDADDY

My apologies....I should have given more info in my original post.

Yes, i did suspect the worse when i first realised she was lying to me. I thought she was seeing someone else. But now i'm thinking that her explanation seems reasonable.

What does she give as her reason for lying? Well, this is the problem.......it's just along the lines of "i didn't want u to worry about me". She also implies that i would give her the third degree.....and i dunno maybe she's right. But I really wish she could give me a more concrete explanation as to why she lied. I honestly don't think i inspire fear in her. If i do and she's not telling me, then i'm clearly doing something very wrong indeed.


There it is. You give her the reason to hide things from you, by your own behavior. Does that make it right? I'm not making that judgement. But she told you her reasons, and you admit maybe her feelings are justified.

The behavior you are seeking to avoid her doing, is what you are bringing out in her.

What can you do to change things? You really can't change her, and she's already feeling not safe enough to discuss things candidly. So you can try to discuss it with her but don't be surprised if you don't get much out of that conversation. She doesn't feel comfy being candid with you, for whatever reason. Certainly try, if you really care about her. But it seems like you're saying she's right that you would have or already have at times, given her a ration of shit for being honest with you. So go ahead and try but you've got to realize that not everything is always salvageable.

If I were you I'd apologize and let her know that you see that your own behavior may have brought about the very thing you seek to avoid. But you've got to tell her and be able to demonstrate, what new behavior you will do instead, and ask her if she'll meet you halfway to allay your own fears and stop the cycle. But she's afraid of getting shit from you, so she may just give you lip-service, and continue hiding things from you. She may wait until she can see a change of behavior from you, before she can bring herself to trust you enough to tell you everything. So then if you can't show it or she can't see it, she'll keep hiding things away from you.

How would you feel if, as a grown man, somebody would give you the third degree about you going to spend some down time with friends? Can you see how she'd want to avoid getting shit from you? So if you want to effectively promote her honesty, the time when that would have been possible for you to do with her may have passed already. You don't get endless chances, with everyone. Sometimes you may just get one.

Live and learn. Change your thoughts, and you change your world.

Regardless of how things go with her, you've got to make sure you don't go around facilitating the very behavior you are seeking not to get, from people. You've got to be able to make it easier for people to give you your desired result.

Don't tax honesty.

_____________________________

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RE: Distance and Dishonisty - 2/28/2010 6:35:12 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		I cannot imagine parents being okay with her living with some guy she barely knows for ten days.

How do you know she's living with her parents?  You already know she's lying to you...

A more plausible story IMO is that she's married and she and her husband took a trip somewhere.  She put together a lie on the spur of the moment about spending it with some guy she didn't know.


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: Distance and Dishonisty - 2/28/2010 7:08:08 AM   
StrictHarshB


Posts: 10
Joined: 8/12/2006
Status: offline 		I am in a long distance but real life relationship myself so I'll give my thoughts on this........
There is no issue of trust or honesty between us and never has been, but my slave knows I like to know where she is and what she's doing ALL the time, and by her complying with that, it helps her to feel closer to me so it benefits us both.
 
I suggest that you don't question and grill her so much, in fact hardly at all for quite a while, but rather just encourage her to be open and honest with everything. Think of this as a learning excercise for you, where you are learning about her, what she does, where she goes, etc. Maybe in the longer term, if she wants and is willing to accept greater control from you over what she does, then you can introduce some basic rules, such as she has to ask before doing/going, rather than just tell you where & what she is doing.
 
Having read through all the thread so far, I do question whether she is ready & willing to accept control over a long distance. It is NOT easy and takes a lot of honest and sincere commitment from both of you. You may have to both accept that the long distance situation will not work between you.

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RE: Distance and Dishonisty - 2/28/2010 7:08:35 AM   
PervertDADDY


Posts: 7
Joined: 1/12/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

If her parents are already riding her case about where she goes and what she does, it's entirely possible that the last thing she wants is to get it from you as well.



Yes, i think this is it. She has more or less said the same thing. She's lied to her parents too....i know she lives with them cos i've spoken to her mother on the phone. She'd told her parents she was with me.

I don't want to control her every movement. But i've just had a conversation with her about all this and i'm very worried. She's told me she knew she was putting herself at risk.....that "anything could have happened". These were a group of people that she'd been talking to for only a few weeks. She's also said that she'd do it again. But she will try not to by stopping herself from using chat rooms.

I think the issues run very deep. I think she's very unhappy........it's not the actions of a happy person to consciously put themselves at risk like this.....surely! I blame myself for not being able to be a fuller part of her life. I talked to her 10 mins ago online and she seems so unhappy. She's really giving herself a hard time for what she's done.

Thank you to all who have answered here so far. I dont want to be the kind of Dom who's overbearing and controlling. I want my lg to have a life. But i really need help with this cos i don't know what to do.

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RE: Distance and Dishonisty - 2/28/2010 7:17:37 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: PervertDADDY

Thank you to all who have answered here so far. I dont want to be the kind of Dom who's overbearing and controlling. I want my lg to have a life. But i really need help with this cos i don't know what to do.


Sounds like your girl needs help you just can't provide. A nice combination of getting older and therapy (you mentioned she's young). If she's putting herself as risk, doesn't care, will do it again and will lie to you and her folks to do it...

Well your options are limited. You can leave and tell her why, which might actually help as sometimes it takes losing people for people to move on in their lives. Granted, you won't reap the benifits there but she'll be improving herself and you won't have to deal with her lies anymore. You can ignore it and just hope she just magically changes/grows up/deals with her problems on her own. You can order her ass into therapy but I doubt she can afford it on her own and if her folks don't want to send her, your order pretty much means nothing. And she can always lie to you about if she is going.

My advice? Remove yourself from the situation and let her parents parent her. She has issues that are complicated. Talk to her folks if you can to explain that if they need you you'll be happy to tell them whatever you can and provide assistence as you truly do care about her. Tell them any truths you know she's lied about. That's probably a good idea even if you stay with her. It's better for her if you and her parents, the people who love her and care for her, are working together.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to PervertDADDY)
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RE: Distance and Dishonisty - 2/28/2010 7:26:05 AM   
PervertDADDY


Posts: 7
Joined: 1/12/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

My advice? Remove yourself from the situation and let her parents parent her. She has issues that are complicated. Talk to her folks if you can to explain that if they need you you'll be happy to tell them whatever you can and provide assistence as you truly do care about her. Tell them any truths you know she's lied about. That's probably a good idea even if you stay with her. It's better for her if you and her parents, the people who love her and care for her, are working together.


Yes, this course of action has occurred to me. But i think, in her eyes at least, her parents are part of the problem. Too controlling. For now i'm just gonna put my head in the sand.......and think about it in a couple of days. In all honesty, it's been a nightmare for me. And now to be told that maybe she'll put herself at risk again.......well it's not a good place to be.

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RE: Distance and Dishonisty - 2/28/2010 8:33:08 AM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Being the parent of an 18 year old...I have no idea how young your girl is..but as a parent of a young one I can tell you I'd be upset about her dating a much older man also. I would wonder why she's dating him, what she's getting out of it, why he wants to date my young daughter. I would not be thrilled with the idea.

And being your girl is so young, you're going to have these problems of lying, mistrust, her going off to places, making rash decisions.....it's part of growing up and making mistakes. You're gonna be more of a father to her than her boyfriend.

Are you ready to take a lot of responsibility? Are you ready for a lot of commotion and chaos in your life? If so then ride it out. If not then start asking yourself a lot of difficult questions.


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RE: Distance and Dishonisty - 2/28/2010 8:43:58 AM   
UniqueRaven


Posts: 1237
Joined: 9/30/2009
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline 		Lying and dishonesty are deal-breakers for me.....on both sides of the kneel.

It sounds to me as if your girl is learning lessons in life about her behavior, and you're trying to *fix* her somehow.

A better life lesson for her would be to receive the consequences of her behavior, namely, you end the relationship, and pursue a different girl.

Unless you enjoy the whole "wounded bird" syndrome in some sort of unhealthy way. i have a friend who is going through therapy for this right now - the younger the girl, the bigger the mess she has in her life, and the more she lies and makes desperate, unhealthy decisions, the more he becomes attached to her. It has literally ruined his life, for years now. Ask yourself if that's something you really want to sign up for.

And then make a decision.

i wish you the best, and good luck as you figure all of this out.

_____________________________

"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?" ~Snoopy (Charles Schultz)

My blog is at http://takinghishand.wordpress.com

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RE: Distance and Dishonisty - 2/28/2010 8:57:03 AM   
PervertDADDY


Posts: 7
Joined: 1/12/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

I have no idea how young your girl is..


Hi, I am 42 and she is 23. I mentioned earlier that he parents gave her a hard time about the age difference. But a few weeks ago she told me this was changing. Apparently, they now think i'm "good for her". Her mother has always been supportive in fact.

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RE: Distance and Dishonisty - 2/28/2010 9:01:18 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: PervertDADDY


quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

My advice? Remove yourself from the situation and let her parents parent her. She has issues that are complicated. Talk to her folks if you can to explain that if they need you you'll be happy to tell them whatever you can and provide assistence as you truly do care about her. Tell them any truths you know she's lied about. That's probably a good idea even if you stay with her. It's better for her if you and her parents, the people who love her and care for her, are working together.


Yes, this course of action has occurred to me. But i think, in her eyes at least, her parents are part of the problem. Too controlling. For now i'm just gonna put my head in the sand.......and think about it in a couple of days. In all honesty, it's been a nightmare for me. And now to be told that maybe she'll put herself at risk again.......well it's not a good place to be.


That's entirely normal for a young woman. The issue is that you might being in the picture might not be helping. That's why I'm encouraging you, if you decide to stay, that you communicate with her parents. What she tells you and what she actually needs probably aren't the same. For all you know, she's just using her relationship with you to piss off her parents and get more attention.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to PervertDADDY)
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RE: Distance and Dishonisty - 3/1/2010 12:38:35 AM   
PervertDADDY


Posts: 7
Joined: 1/12/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

That's why I'm encouraging you, if you decide to stay, that you communicate with her parents.


I've talked to her again and she's suggested I come to some arrangement with her mother whereby, whenever she goes away for any substantial length of time, i confirm her whereabouts.......ie i ring her mother and say she's with me.

I don't want to be the kind of person who does this.....it feels too controlling for me. And yet she speaks of her actions as if they're some sort of addiction. It's like she's looking to run away from something.....and yes i have considered the possibility that i'm just something she runs to.

Thanks for all your help.

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RE: Distance and Dishonisty - 3/1/2010 7:19:27 AM   
dreamerdreaming


Posts: 2839
Status: offline 		What everybody else said.

She sounds like a very immature 23. By her actions, I was expecting a teenager.

OP, do you have a rescuer complex?

If you do: there are a lot of safer, more productive ways to indulge it.

My orientation is about control. Right now I'm away from my slaveboy, because I travel a lot in my career. But he's older than I by quite a bit. Settled and mature. I can just leave him whatever orders I want, and he'll carry them out. Or I can give him freedom to do what he wants, and he'll take good care of himself for me. With this girl, you don't have that. She's sooo not done growing up. She's a very teenage 23.

If you have a control kink, like me (not the same as being overcontrolling, I might add- I am definitely not a micromanager- more of a macromanager) you will not be able to get it properly addressed with this girl, at this time. Because she's still in her adolescence. Long distance control requires that the s-type exercise control on behalf of the D-type. She would have to be in sufficient control of herself to begin with, in order to do this.

Why are you with someone so immature, at your age? What insight do you have, on your motivations?

_____________________________

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RE: Distance and Dishonisty - 3/1/2010 7:27:17 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: dreamerdreaming

What everybody else said.

She sounds like a very immature 23. By her actions, I was expecting a teenager.

OP, do you have a rescuer complex?

Yeah, really. At 23, I'd expect her to be able to live on her own.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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