Would you be monogamous with the all-in-one submissive man? (Full Version)

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LadyAngelika -> Would you be monogamous with the all-in-one submissive man? (2/28/2010 7:21:32 AM)

In the thread entitled Female-led relationships: How does your D/s relationship manifest itself beyond kinky sex? which I started last night, I stated that though I was monogamous and preferred Female-male relationships, I didn't want to limit the discussion to this model.

In the very few responses to date, I noticed that the respondents to my question were involved in poly relationships, which is fine. I know poly works for some, but it doesn't for me (I've tried it on more than one occasion) as I really adore the close, tight, intimate bond of the monogamous partnership.

Some questions came to mind for me and rather than derail a thread I started myself, I figured I'd start a new one.

So in the hopes of not having this OP misinterpreted, I will preface it by saying that I realise there are many motivations for polyamory. I am simply isolating one possible motivator.

I stated in the original thread that I look for everything in one man. I know of men, unfortunately not in my local area, who seem to fit what I am looking for, so I don't think I'm asking for something too unusual. But I want this in one man.

My question is then, is one of the reasons why you are open to poly because you cannot find all of what you are looking for in one man? If you could, would you stop being poly?

I expect many answers to be no. And I'm not proposing that if the answer was yes that you should change your current situation either. If you are happy, that is all that counts. But I am truly interested if there are any who would respond yes.

- LA



allthatjaz -> RE: Would you be monogamous with the all-in-one submissive man? (2/28/2010 8:03:14 AM)

We are poly of sorts because of the diversity. I am mainly dominant and my partner is mainly dominant and we both like to dominate a lot and so a fem sub is perfect for us. I happen to like females. I like how they feel, how they react and how I can interact with them but I also like males.
I/We don't do this because something is missing from our relationship but because our relationship can be added to.
If my partner was against poly then we simply wouldn't do it and I wouldn't feel incomplete. We go to that place because we can and want to and no other reason



cloudboy -> RE: Would you be monogamous with the all-in-one submissive man? (2/28/2010 8:29:12 AM)

quote:

In the very few responses to date, I noticed that the respondents to my question were involved in poly relationships, which is fine. I know poly works for some, but it doesn't for me (I've tried it on more than one occasion) as I really adore the close, tight, intimate bond of the monogamous partnership.


"Close, tight, and intimate" are not limited to monogamy, so if you want to differentiate poly from monogamy, you should seek a different way to do it.

I am poly because I believe in LT intimate relationships, and I don't want to engage in serial monogamy.



LadyAngelika -> RE: Would you be monogamous with the all-in-one submissive man? (2/28/2010 8:44:23 AM)

quote:

"Close, tight, and intimate" are not limited to monogamy


For me, they are. I understand and accept that this is not everyone else's definition.

- LA



LadyPact -> RE: Would you be monogamous with the all-in-one submissive man? (2/28/2010 8:58:38 AM)

If I could, no.  If I had to, yes.  That probably didn't make any sense at all, so I'll try to explain it.

The thing about it is, I'm already in love with My husband, who happens to not be submissive.  It's very hard for Me to even imagine not having him as the primary relationship in My life.  In a sense, you're kind of asking what I would do if I started from scratch.  If for some reason My life changed and My husband was no longer in it, if I fell in love with another man who happened not to be submissive, but was not open to poly, it's very possible that I could go back to monogamy.  The thing that hangs that plan up is that I already have a submissive in My life.  I wouldn't be willing to end that dynamic for the new person on the horizon.  The same would hold true if the new person happened to be submissive.  Bottom line, I wouldn't take the people already in My life out of it for the sake of someone new.

However, there is one reason that I would return to monogamy with My husband that I have always been very up front about.  If he and I ever came to the conclusion that poly was damaging to our primary relationship, we would cease to do it.  We made that promise to each other when we first transitioned to poly and I would still keep My word.  The paradox of this is that My husband knows that I am happier overall with both males in My life, and it's something that I don't ever see him asking of Me. 



LadyAngelika -> RE: Would you be monogamous with the all-in-one submissive man? (2/28/2010 9:11:41 AM)

Thank you for being so candid LadyPact. I guess I'm coming from the perspective of starting from scratch or being single.

I found that the very few times that I found all the core, essential stuff I wanted in a man, I had no desire for others. When I didn't find all the core, essential stuff I wanted, I craved others.

- LA



SweetDommes -> RE: Would you be monogamous with the all-in-one submissive man? (2/28/2010 9:32:41 AM)

Holly and I were monogamous for a few years before we started looking for boys to add to our relationship. We were happy that way, we could have stayed that way - but we prefer this way and we are happy this way too. I don't think that either one of us would go back to monogamy, even if we broke up for some reason and had to start over.



Madame4a -> RE: Would you be monogamous with the all-in-one submissive man? (2/28/2010 9:58:47 AM)

my simple answer is yes... because that's where I am now.. but funnily enough, I was just talking about this with a friend this morning... I am still completely committed to poly in theory.. for me and my darling boy... but we are monogamous.  I think both of us need to at least feel like we are poly to maintain a certain part of our independence.

I do not believe that any one person can fulfill all your needs.  I believe you can find someone who meets most, or the important needs -- and what's left you have to decide how important they are; if they need to be met; and how you might do that if necessary.  Sometimes, some needs don't need to be met outside the relationship with another love/play/sex type thing.  For example, I have certain needs that my best friend meets that are somewhat relationship-ish, but don't involve taking away from my love/boy/etc relationship.

That made some sense to me, I hope it makes sense to others.

If my current partner asked me to be monogamous, I would likely do that, as in practice I am right now.



thetammyjo -> RE: Would you be monogamous with the all-in-one submissive man? (2/28/2010 10:00:49 AM)

Our family therapist once commented that I was the most monogamous poly person she had ever met.

I don't have multiple relationships for the sake of having them or for diversity or because something is lacking, I have them because I am poly PERIOD.

What I want is a family so that means taking a lot of time to incorporate any new person into the family not just into the relationship with us.

That said I don't believe that one human being can be everything that another human being needs or wants in life. If that were true we'd live in isolated pair-bonded units kicking offspring out as soon as possible so we could get back to the two-person arrangement. But we don't live like this. We live in communities and have friends and extended families and for much of human history it has been common for serial monogamy or various poly situations to exist during the course of a person's life.



LadyNTrainer -> RE: Would you be monogamous with the all-in-one submissive man? (2/28/2010 10:10:36 AM)

Sure.  If my primary had put the brakes on and indicated he truly didn't want to be poly, we'd be mono, and I'd be fine as long as I could freely engage in BDSM play with others that did not include sex.  That's not how things shook out, so here we are, and we're all happy to be here.  There are both upsides and downsides to poly, and not everyone is wired for it.  I can do either and be fine, as long as the partner I'm being mono with really is an "all in one". 

I will second Cloudboy's observation that closeness and intimacy is *not* greater in monogamy than in poly, and it arguably may have to be deeper in poly for it to be sustainable.  It takes a lot of trust and confidence in your partner to be okay with them seeing someone else, and a lot of good communication/negotiation skills, which fosters greater intimacy.  I agree that people with non poly wiring would not be able or willing to successfully maintain closeness or intimacy or tight bonds in a poly situation.  But that is very different from implying that poly lacks closeness and intimacy, or that our bonds aren't as tight as monogamous bonds.  Personally, I suspect they might well have to be tighter and stronger in order to be successful, but that's just my think on the subject.  



AAkasha -> RE: Would you be monogamous with the all-in-one submissive man? (2/28/2010 10:19:36 AM)

I don't consider myself "poly" in that I desire emotional relationships with multiple men and in a situation where my husband is also in the mix, or my husband sees other women.  In my relationship, I see other men but my husband does not see other women.  In most cases, my husband does not interact with or know my other male partners.  He's monogamous to the core.  I'm not.

I was raised to be monogamous. I have a very traditional upbringing. It wasn't until my late 20s in one of my longterm relationships where my partner decided S&M was NOT for him (any longer) that we explored a concept: I'd play with other guys, just not have sexual intercourse with him. He was ok with that. I was still doing a lot of S&M clubbing and messing around, so I was in heaven. I also had a longterm "friend" I would see on and off who was my "first S&M love," but not relationship material, so I would see him every now and then. 

When I got married, I was pretty much set that this man was going to be the permanent person to satisfy ALL of my needs, including S&M; however, I knew that this was unrealistic.  There's a part of me that craves the newness of new surrender and the unpredictability of a man suffering for my pleasure.  I crave those things wholly independently of my desires for sexual satisfaction or emotional intimacy.  It's not an either/or thing. I need and desire both. I want harmony in my relationship with my husband, I want my sexual needs met by him.  But I want to be able to exercise my predatory "lust" when it hits, and I want to be able to indulge in outside encounters with other submissive/kinky men.

We started by experimenting with phone, online types of play with other men and it was fine, and in more recent years I've started to do S&m with men outside the relationship and it's been fantastic.  There are many issues that need to be addressed but we address them as they evolve, and come from a foundation of mutual love, trust and honesty.  To be perfectly clear, if I could have a never ending stream of "boytoys" of all shapes, sizes, ages and demeanors to pick from, and I could have them in my playground of S&M with no strings attached and never owe them anything or get intimately (emotionally) involved, I'd probably be content with that. If a "market" for male pro subs existed, I would be all over that, and happily just shell out $300 to dominate a gorgeous hunk in a well stocked dungeon and never see him again.  While the emotional intimacy of playing with someone who "gets" me is ideal, I'd rather not risk emotional entanglements that risk damaging my primary relationship.  As much as people would say otherwise, it's hard to find men who will let a woman dominate them regularly without developing feelings for them or wanting more (sexually or otherwise).

I never intended to get emotionally attached to ANY of my playpartners, but it happens.  One I met through collarme originally is actually coming to visit soon, live under the same roof with me and my monogamous husband.  They two of them are fast friends and share a lot of common interests and trust one another.  It goes against everything I thought was possible, but I feel like I won the lottery.  Who knows what might evolve out of that, but I just take it a step at a time and make sure everyone is honest with everyone else and we're all on the same page.  Does this mean I'm moving "toward poly"? I don't know. My husband has no desires to be involved on any level with the men I dominate. The fact that he's going to enjoy the company, on a friendship level, of another of my playpartners is just how it evolved. 

I get monogamy; I honestly can't say how I would feel if my husband wanted to see other women for "fun."  I liken my desire to frolic in casual S&M to be like a man who enjoys visiting strip clubs. I'm fine with skirting around the edges of sexual intimacy and it rocks my femdom core like nothing else, and I'm compelled to continue to feed that beast, regardless of the fact that my primary relationship is rock solid and I'm getting all I need from him.  I've got a totally different animal inside me that needs to be fed, and when I take care of that, I'm in heaven.

Akasha



RumpusParable -> RE: Would you be monogamous with the all-in-one submissive man? (2/28/2010 11:58:30 AM)

I went to explain and answer this thread and removed my reply after thought, because this thread really and the op's follow up comments really just come down to "Of course poly is okay and right for some people, but it can never be as good as monogamy".  Keep saying it in soft words doesn't change the meaning.



Domin8tingUrDrmz -> RE: Would you be monogamous with the all-in-one submissive man? (2/28/2010 1:36:19 PM)

I haven't read all the replies just yet (though I will), so if my response is a duplicate, I apologize in advance.

I'm not seeking a third 'just because' my boyfriend isn't the all-in-one guy.  That's part of the motivation, but not all of the motivation.  He also is wanting a third, so he can have a male friend (we don't have many opportunities to meet mutual friends) that he can talk sports with or politics.  My eyes glaze over when those topics come up, and I tend to tune him out...lol.  I love him, yes, but those conversations bore me.  So, I'm also seeking a third so he can an outlet for areas that I am not willing to provide for him. 

Again, that is only part of it.  I am not wired for monogamy, I've tried, I have.  If I meet someone who sparks an interest in me, I'm going to want to get to know them better.  If they spark a romantic interest in me, I'm going to want to get to know them intimately.  I have a lot of love to share and I don't want to limit who I can share that love with.

If my boyfriend were the all-in-one submissive, I'd still likely want another.  That's just how I'm wired.  If my boyfriend, whom I love and brought into my life first, was not comfortable with that arrangement, I would TRY very hard to remain monogamous, though I'd likely fail miserably because I would feel 'restricted', or something else that I cannot pinpoint exactly.  I wouldn't go behind his back and cheat, because that would make me feel slimy about myself.  Sadly, I'd likely end the relationship.  Thankfully, I don't have to worry about that, because he does understand my poly side, and really doesn't have any issues with it.



LadyHibiscus -> RE: Would you be monogamous with the all-in-one submissive man? (2/28/2010 1:56:48 PM)

I can be monogamous in my actions, but if I am it is because of happenstance, not choice (ie, I only have one partner at that moment). I am not monogamous at heart. When I had one of those long dark teatimes of the soul and thought about what was an utter NEED for me, I realized that my heart could never belong to one person.



Lockit -> RE: Would you be monogamous with the all-in-one submissive man? (2/28/2010 2:22:31 PM)

I've been both poly and mono. Most of my life I focused on mono for many different reasons and yet when single and open to a relationship, I often found myself thinking it would take more than one man to fulfill every area of life and myself that was important to me. This is one area where I am on the fence and wondering which direction to go in! lol I tend to move towards mono, yet it really may not be what is best for me. What do they say about repeatedly doing something with the same bad outcome? lol

My reasons for poly have been varied, just as my reasons for mono. With each situation comes complications or challenges of some sort. I don't know why I lean toward mono when a part of me thinks poly is really best for me. When I have a mono focus, I do believe it is nearly impossible to find everything I want in one person. If I could find it in one person, I would have to say I wouldn't think of being poly so much, so my answer would be yes. But I can't say I wouldn't think of being poly and then my mind goes to a no. Confused? Oh yes... this one is my only real struggle lately.



CallaFirestormBW -> RE: Would you be monogamous with the all-in-one submissive man? (2/28/2010 2:30:17 PM)

quote:

My question is then, is one of the reasons why you are open to poly because you cannot find all of what you are looking for in one man?
Not for me. I've oriented as poly for as long as I can remember. I'm also ambisexterous, but that doesn't really play in for me either, as the reason I'm ambisexterous is because gender is irrelevant to me... so male or female doesn't really weigh into the discussion.

quote:

If you could, would you stop being poly?
Again, no. I might choose to spend some time in hermitage, but I can't imagine not having my family around me for the long term, and gathering others of like mind into the joy and comfort of the household.



LadyAngelika -> RE: Would you be monogamous with the all-in-one submissive man? (2/28/2010 2:58:26 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyNTrainer
I will second Cloudboy's observation that closeness and intimacy is *not* greater in monogamy than in poly, and it arguably may have to be deeper in poly for it to be sustainable.  It takes a lot of trust and confidence in your partner to be okay with them seeing someone else, and a lot of good communication/negotiation skills, which fosters greater intimacy.  I agree that people with non poly wiring would not be able or willing to successfully maintain closeness or intimacy or tight bonds in a poly situation.  But that is very different from implying that poly lacks closeness and intimacy, or that our bonds aren't as tight as monogamous bonds.  Personally, I suspect they might well have to be tighter and stronger in order to be successful, but that's just my think on the subject.  


I'm going to agree with you 100% on all of this. Contrary to some people's interpretation, I actually make place monogamy as better than polygamy in the grand scheme of things. It is a difficult thing in these forums sometimes to talk about our desires or ask questions because we inevitably make certain people feel like we are making judgement values. I can put all the caveats in the world and this would not change.

I realise poly takes a lot of communication. I've attempted it a few times. I personally was never able to truly focus on one partner and found myself emotionally scattered. It worked when I wasn't deeply emotionally invested in someone but once I deeply fell for someone, I only had eyes for him. But that's me, and it's no better or worse than you (global you, not you particularly LadyNTrainer).

And it wasn't even the point of the OP, really, as I acknowledge right from the begining that I knew this was not going to be most people's motivation for poly. I also acknowledged in my response to cloudboy that we all defined intimacy in a different way.

- LA







Madame4a -> RE: Would you be monogamous with the all-in-one submissive man? (2/28/2010 3:05:17 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika

I realise poly takes a lot of communication. I've attempted it a few times. I personally was never able to truly focus on one partner and found myself emotionally scattered. It worked when I wasn't deeply emotionally invested in someone but once I deeply fell for someone, I only had eyes for him. But that's me, and it's no better or worse than you (global you, not you particularly LadyNTrainer).

- LA




I had a very similar experience with all my poly situations -- it got to be a chore sometimes and occasionally not worth it.  I like your characterization of being "emotionally scattered" ... and I really was. I also found myself, more than once, on a very practical level, almost literally pushing one person out one door while the other was coming in another door.  I hated interrupting really good (and sometimes hard fought for) time and space with one person, to make a call or receive a call from the other -- as I never wanted anyone to be slighted.  Argh.. even as I type this I remember some of the horrid feelings I had during those times.  While I might do it all again some day, I will do it very differently.  I do think I tend to get too emotionally involved most of the time.



LadyAngelika -> RE: Would you be monogamous with the all-in-one submissive man? (2/28/2010 3:06:13 PM)

quote:

When I got married, I was pretty much set that this man was going to be the permanent person to satisfy ALL of my needs, including S&M; however, I knew that this was unrealistic. There's a part of me that craves the newness of new surrender and the unpredictability of a man suffering for my pleasure. I crave those things wholly independently of my desires for sexual satisfaction or emotional intimacy. It's not an either/or thing. I need and desire both. I want harmony in my relationship with my husband, I want my sexual needs met by him. But I want to be able to exercise my predatory "lust" when it hits, and I want to be able to indulge in outside encounters with other submissive/kinky men.


That makes sense to me. I have that predator inside me as well. One of my biggest fears actually is even if I found the perfect submissive partner that this urge would come up.  Let's say it is a pretty deep preoccupation for me.

quote:

I get monogamy; I honestly can't say how I would feel if my husband wanted to see other women for "fun."


Well there you go. What's good for the goose is good for the gander, right? I mean unless one's man is being cuckolded.

In all honesty, I ask these questions because in talking with potential partners, in figuring out where I want to go, these are things that come up in my mind quite often.

Yes, I have a tendancy to over think things. That is because I am an analyst and strategist. I thank those who answered me in the spirit of helping me understand. I look forward to more responses :-)

- LA





LadyAngelika -> RE: Would you be monogamous with the all-in-one submissive man? (2/28/2010 3:09:53 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Madame4a

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika

I realise poly takes a lot of communication. I've attempted it a few times. I personally was never able to truly focus on one partner and found myself emotionally scattered. It worked when I wasn't deeply emotionally invested in someone but once I deeply fell for someone, I only had eyes for him. But that's me, and it's no better or worse than you (global you, not you particularly LadyNTrainer).

- LA




I had a very similar experience with all my poly situations -- it got to be a chore sometimes and occasionally not worth it.  I like your characterization of being "emotionally scattered" ... and I really was. I also found myself, more than once, on a very practical level, almost literally pushing one person out one door while the other was coming in another door.  I hated interrupting really good (and sometimes hard fought for) time and space with one person, to make a call or receive a call from the other -- as I never wanted anyone to be slighted.  Argh.. even as I type this I remember some of the horrid feelings I had during those times.  While I might do it all again some day, I will do it very differently.  I do think I tend to get too emotionally involved most of the time.


As a result of this, I read the book The Ethical Slut which actually helped with setting up boudaries. I truly thought it had some good guidelines for making poly work.

Funny story about that book --  when my parents were over during the holidays, my father was scanning my bookshelf and pulled it out. He looked at me perplexed and my simple response was "Well at least I'm ethical about it!" and he put it back and not another word was said.

- LA



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