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jealousy, insecurity, "neediness," etc. - 3/29/2006 4:55:26 PM

fullofgrace

Posts: 395
Joined: 3/24/2006
From: fl, usa
Status: offline

in the "what is a slave's worth?" thread over in the ask a master section, valeca said: "I am invaluable to Master. I am not, however, irreplacable." (i hope she doesn't mind me quoting this here!)

this struck me for some reason; i have always had issues with insecurity and neediness, issues that i am getting much healthier about especially with the help of my Dominant, and in some cases (though not as much with our relationship as with past relationships) i've had issues with jealousy. this struck me because when i think about it, i know i am priceless and invaluable to Him...but i've never quite set it out there in terms of replaceability, too. and i guess that scares me, in some ways. i am sometimes afraid that if i don't serve Him well, He may decide that He no longer wants me to be His submissive, or no longer wants to be with me at all. i know if i no longer make Him happy, though, i would want Him TO be happy with someone else...but i also know i would feel personal feelings of failure at that. and while i'm certainly not rejecting His right to replace me, and while i am learning that i'm perfectly capable of being fulfilled by myself (the time period of being single before He and i got together, and our current situation, has really pushed me to find happiness in solitude), i can't shake this feeling of fear at being irreplaceable. it's almost like i'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, a feeling i thought i'd dealt with and gotten over.

has anyone else struggled with this in the past or currently? i know i am dealing much better with it, but i'm not quite sure how to shake this uneasiness at the replaceability factor, nor not let my neediness and insecurity get the best of me in that regard. how do you all handle these emotions when they come up?

< Message edited by fullofgrace -- 3/29/2006 4:56:41 PM >

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i have the kind of beauty that moves...

Post #: 1

RE: jealousy, insecurity, "neediness," etc. - 3/29/2006 5:13:20 PM

sweetpleaser

Posts: 689
Joined: 8/5/2004
From: Florida
Status: offline

You are very young and understandably insecure. I have been where you are many times and learned, with age, that you have to create your own security. Ask yourself what you would do if he did replace you. Where would you go? How would you bounce back? You won't suddenly die. Prepare yourself for the day that may happen and you will feel less insecure. (this means don't cut yourself off from family and friends, etc.) By being more confident in yourself, you will put out an air that you are irreplaceable and he would be a fool to boot you out.

_____________________________

~ann~

It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men.--Mae West

(in reply to fullofgrace)

Post #: 2

RE: jealousy, insecurity, "neediness," etc. - 3/29/2006 6:05:13 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

Everyone struggles with this, hon. It's the human condition. And, I'm not so sure that age is the answer. In other words, it's not that we have a lot of experiences, it's what we learn from the experience. The lesson can be rescheduled 1000 time and we still don't get it...or we could get it the first time. If you learn things early, be grateful and don't forget them!

In the end, all the things you mentioned are the result of fear. Jealousy might be due to a fear that we will loose what we see as our. Insecurity might be based on the fear that someone doesn't accept us or that we're not good enough. And so on it goes. It might be worth looking at why you are feeling FACE: Fear, Attachment, Control and Entitlement. By working through fear, we can do away with attachment, the need to control and our feelings of entitlement. We come to love and then, accepting things and people as they truly are comes easier. It doesn't mean we don't have feelings or that we don't struggle...it means that we can pause and mindfully react. In this way, we look at the lesson we can learn. I'm trying this and it is working for me...it ain't easy, though.

In all honesty, this is a very new subject to me and so, the best thing I can do is to point you towards a book I'm reading:
Shadow Dance

Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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Ms Relationship Books
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BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to fullofgrace)

Post #: 3

RE: jealousy, insecurity, "neediness," etc. - 3/29/2006 6:09:58 PM

petwolf22

Posts: 343
Joined: 9/5/2005
Status: offline

technically speaking, anyone in any relationship can be "replaceable" (vanilla or d/s)

the Dom included.

i think its just a part of being human that has to be dealt with. i worry myself about not doing the right things, not behaving in the way that is wished, and being "replaced." i just had a situation occur in my relationship where because i wasn't doing something, he found it elsewhere.

In the end, i agree. It would hurt, but it wouldn't be the end of the world. Just not meant to be.

(in reply to sweetpleaser)

Post #: 4

RE: jealousy, insecurity, "neediness," etc. - 3/29/2006 7:57:39 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Here's the best part- a heck of a lot of dominants deal with these exact same issues.

You deal with them by being open about them- saying "I know it's not true, I know it's just my ego and lack of esteem, but I feel like crap and totally insecure."

If you're in a good mood, you can laugh about it and indulge it. If you're not, you grit your teeth and move through it.

Getting it in the open is the best thing to start.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to fullofgrace)

Post #: 5

RE: jealousy, insecurity, "neediness," etc. - 3/29/2006 8:29:09 PM

justjill

Posts: 28
Joined: 3/19/2006
Status: offline

Feeling insecure is part of being human. If it is something that comes up just occasionally then I would just communicate it to your Master. It is a feeling just like the many others. If you feel this way all the time then I would suggest focusing on all the things you do for him that would be very hard to replace and all the things you like and enjoy that have nothing to do with M/s which I guarentee you have a lot of them. Everyone does!

I would also still communicate with your Master. Maybe you both can come up with some rituals or he can do things to make you feel more secure that can put you at ease more. The fact that you reconize this "problem" with you to me is a great sign that you can get through it. The feeling of being insecure can sometimes manifest itself into paronoia and that can become dangerous on a relationship.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 6

RE: jealousy, insecurity, "neediness," etc. - 3/30/2006 7:30:48 AM

trueshadow

Posts: 388
Joined: 1/1/2005
Status: offline

You are very young. We all go through this at your age, and beyond. It's little help, I know, to tell you that you get much more balance and toughness in your life as you get older. Relationships start, they end, loved ones move away or die, and it can indeed by very hard on one emotionally. However, you do get through it, you learn from it, and you become a stronger person for it.

I think it helps to value yourself, to understand yourself and feel comfortable with yourself.

Unfortunately, it is not easy, and it does take time. You are valuable, and you have something to offer others. Because you are worried about this, you are aware of the possibility of change and you have taken the first steps in preparing yourself for the possibility of change, which may or may not ever come.

Don't get ahead of yourself, enjoy what you have, give yourself permission to be happy. You have your life ahead of you, and it will be a good journey for you.

(in reply to fullofgrace)

Post #: 7

RE: jealousy, insecurity, "neediness," etc. - 3/30/2006 9:17:01 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: fullofgrace
has anyone else struggled with this in the past or currently? i know i am dealing much better with it, but i'm not quite sure how to shake this uneasiness at the replaceability factor, nor not let my neediness and insecurity get the best of me in that regard. how do you all handle these emotions when they come up?

if you do a search here, you will find that there have been many threads started to discuss these types of issues seperately and together. books have been written, theses submitted, entire counseling practices revolving around and billions of dollars made by the pharmeceutical industry from people who struggle with these issues well into "adult"-hood, and there is still no "one true" answer to your question.

personally, the only way this slave has been able to eliminate negative emotions is by feasting on them, wallowing in them until she just can't stand it anymore.this slave used to have a BIG problem with jealousy... in junior high school. By the time high school rolled around, this slave was sick of the way it made her feel. this slave was not jealous of other's belongings or their looks, but the "relationships" they had, the friendships...the steady boyfriends, all boiled down to this slave wished she had what they had, so much it made her frustrated and angry and eventually she would cry over it and ruin her make-up(hey, it was the eighties AND high school). THAT got really, really tiresome. At age 14 it was high time to do something about it. envy and jealousy are not "qualities" or "emotions" that this slave wants to spend any time with.

this slave was always proud of herself for being smart, so this slave decided to combat the jealous thoughts and feelings with logic and reason each and every time. every time she would feel that pang of jealousy she would immediately begin the reasoning process building up her own self-image in the process---it took practice, years of practice, at the same time this slave worked on her own self-esteem and also on being patient--that too, took lots of practice. it wasn't easy, but something this slave really wanted to get rid of, as she sees jealousy as ugly and repulsive.

14 years later, this slave isn't jealous of anyone, (even that hot girl Master scened with at the party the other night~this slave hoped they both had a fantastic time!!!!) this slave turned jealousy over other's relationships into a "positive affirmation of self" exercise and eventually this slave replaced jealousy and envy with love and joy that those folks have something wonderful----it is, indeed, possible to be happy for others, especially someone you love dearly, without feeling jealousy, even if that's how you "used to" feel.

Some spiritual folk believe that emotions are the physical representation of spiritual entities and we can accept and feed them energy or banish them. You reap what your emotions sow. You also reap what your behaviors that are triggered by those emotions sow. Certain emotions are not only specifically designed to trigger behavior but also show up in a measurable physiological response—expressed verbally, physically, otherwise or not expressed consciously at all. Some folks pick up on it without you having to utter a sound or behave in a certain manner and certain animals definitely do, within range of course.

The pharmaceutical industry has made BILLIONS hedging the bet you’ll take ANY risk not to FEEL a particular emotion. No work on your part involved, all you need is a glass of water and a participating physician. For some, it works, for others temporarily, and for still others, it doesn’t. This slave has had permanent success doing it sans pharmaceutical help—natural & holistic remedies, repetitive desensitizing experiences, reprogramming exercises, hypnosis, meditation, spiritual journeys and focus.

(in reply to fullofgrace)

Post #: 8

RE: jealousy, insecurity, "neediness," etc. - 3/30/2006 11:49:32 AM

starymists

Posts: 139
Joined: 2/1/2006
Status: offline

I agree with what's being said here. In my own personal journey, one thing I had help in coming to realize is that the Dominants that I have been with haven't chosen to be with me just because I was a submissive or just because I was good at service. Let's face it...there are a lot of submissives who serve well. There is always more to it than being a Dominant or a submissive. In my case, I spent some time learning to ask 'why me?' because it provided, for me, a foundation for what he liked about me beyond the fact that I am a submissive. And the answers varried...it's my personality, it's the way I look at life, it's the things that I like to do, it's my brain, it's my sense of humor, it's the passion that I live my life with...and on and on and on. After some time of that, I learned what other people found my strengths to be, and then started being able to identify my strengths on my own. Once I started being able to do that, I found that most of my fear, insecurity, jealousness and neediness were no longer as much of an issue.

Now when those things come up, I discuss them with my Dominant, and sometimes we laugh, cuz it's silly, and sometimes he reassures me cuz I need that on occasion, and still other times we just talk about why. And most of the time, he works with it and ensures that I remember each and every day who and what I am to him :)

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 9

RE: jealousy, insecurity, "neediness," etc. - 3/30/2006 12:29:51 PM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
Status: offline

I think the most significant experience Ive had in life about how all people are replaceable was just before my late husband died. He was preparing me for his impending death and we had a conversation that went something like.

me... " What am i going to do without you?"

him.... "You will find someone else"

me ...."there is no one like you in this world"

him ... " Yes there is"

me ..." You cannot be replaced"

him... " Yes I can"

me... " I dont want to live without you"

him... " You will and you shall "

me.... " No one can protect me like you do "

him... " There are numerous people like me in the world"

me.. " i dont want another partner"

him.... " You will and you shall and they will love you as much as me"

me... " stop it i dont want to talk about this anymore"

.
.
.
He was right.
.
.
.
I used this story for this thread because the issue of replacement wasnt about any perceived insecurity over self worth, the impending separation was inevitable, we both knew it, yet the same situation occurred as has arisen in your mind " a fear of someone being irreplaceable" which invoked a deep seated fear (insecurity) within me.

I think when we are passionate people who give our all to life and relationships, we do not think of safety nets, and self protection techniques for preparing for the "What if" scenario. It's when we let the "what if" slip into our mind that an insecurity arises. In our situation we were forced to look at it. However, we cannot live our lives like that, we just have to learn to accept the things that life brings us as they arise, to not do this would be to live a life where our passion is dampened from fear and our experience of life is lessened.

We need to jump into life and give our all. Sometimes all it takes is to see the effect our thinking will have on us to stop us from entertaining detrimental thought patterns.

_____________________________

Freedom in Bondage

Different Strokes for Different Folks

"I'll always have a *soft spot* for Sadists"

(in reply to starymists)

Post #: 10

RE: jealousy, insecurity, "neediness," etc. - 3/30/2006 3:00:11 PM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

Jali;

You brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing such an intimate experience. He must have been wonderful.

(in reply to slavejali)

Post #: 11

RE: jealousy, insecurity, "neediness," etc. - 3/30/2006 5:54:30 PM

fullofgrace

Posts: 395
Joined: 3/24/2006
From: fl, usa
Status: offline

thank you all for your responses...jali, yours especially touched my heart. i worry about when that day comes for my Dom, because i know i will probably outlive Him. He already tries to prepare me for it now, but it is hard to accept. you made a great point in saying that when we throw ourselves into relationships wholeheartedly, we don't have that what if reaction...it is a really important thing for me (and everyone) to keep in mind :)

beth, i definitely have to disagree with some of your views on the pharmaceutical industry...i DO hate how mental health care has suddenly turned into a throw-pills-at-people contest, but at the same time, i've dealt with chronic physical pain since the age of 5 and some very serious emotional issues since the age of 12, and i always swore i'd never take medication, but after my mother passed away (five months ago) and i'd exhausted a lot of my holistic resources, i went on antidepressants to bring me up to a level where i could at least function in between counseling appointments. it wasn't so much that i didn't want to feel what i was feeling as that i didn't want that and the irrationality it led to make me unable to live my life and feel safe from myself. now i know because of that i am doing better in counseling and making more progress there, and that eventually that will get me to a point where i can go off the antidepressants without too much backlash. so i think it is definitely a legitimate alternative for some people...at least, it is for me at this time. i did want you to know that i REALLY appreciated the personal experiences you shared in your post...and the idea of countering the insecurity and jealousy with logic. i don't know if i'm rational enough for that, but i will definitely try it :)

petwolf, the point you made about every relationship being replaceable, and about things just not being meant to be struck a chord. i realize that sometimes i have a nasty habit of thinking i'm one step ahead of the universe and i get to decide how things are...She usually dropkicks me in the behind with something unexpected at that point! :)

thank you so much, everyone, for the lovely and understanding posts...i know logically i'm not the only one who deals with this, but sometimes i need the reassurance - and it's nice to hear others' experiences and how they've dealt with it.

_____________________________

i have the kind of beauty that moves...

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

Post #: 12

RE: jealousy, insecurity, "neediness," etc. - 3/30/2006 8:54:53 PM

CanadianGuy

Posts: 219
Status: offline

I just wanted to say hello, and let you know that I see in you (from what I read) many things my submissive also embodies. I want to wish you good luck, and my compliments to your Dom.

(in reply to fullofgrace)

Post #: 13

RE: jealousy, insecurity, "neediness," etc. - 3/31/2006 12:07:19 AM

fullofgrace

Posts: 395
Joined: 3/24/2006
From: fl, usa
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CanadianGuy

I just wanted to say hello, and let you know that I see in you (from what I read) many things my submissive also embodies. I want to wish you good luck, and my compliments to your Dom.

thank you for your very sweet message :) i enjoy reading your posts!

_____________________________

i have the kind of beauty that moves...

(in reply to CanadianGuy)

Post #: 14

RE: jealousy, insecurity, "neediness," etc. - 4/1/2006 8:05:10 AM

aglow

Posts: 1
Joined: 1/4/2006
Status: offline

I have read any number of discussions on this site and have to admit this is the first one that compelled me to respond. I am very impressed by the clarity and sensitivity of the responses--which go right to the heart of a central irony of the urge to submit. This path requires one to trust another and oneself in ways that are truly significant--all within the context of tremendous vulnerability. But therein also lies the greatest benefit: to feel oneself open and free... unfettered by fear and gloriously present. Granted, this is not always achieved and sometimes we just have to take our licks, so to speak. Sometimes it is very difficult to hear the pure song of my heart among all the noise that flows from old habits of fear and insecurity. However, it's useful for me to remember that my heart is a muscle... it strengthens through exercise.

(in reply to fullofgrace)

Post #: 15

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