RE: "Expecting" a long term D/s relationship?

RE: "Expecting" a long term D/s relationship? (Full Version)

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LadyAngelika -> RE: "Expecting" a long term D/s relationship? (3/7/2010 7:10:26 PM)
quote: The number one reason given for the wording is that the person was getting too much wank mail when they tried to say things politely. I agree WyldHrt, but then saying things rudely doesn't cut down on the wank mail, it just makes one look rude in their profile. When I see that kind of rudeness in a profile, it turns me off. A profile is an image of ourselves. While my goal is to have mine be as accurate and realistic as possible, I also want it to have a positive tone. I used to have a line that said something along the lines of "Please address me as LadyAngelika and nothing else. And don't come across as a little dog humping my leg." I removed that because I realised that the kind of man I'm attracted to doesn't need this reminder. Bottom line, while wankers will solicit you regardless if your profile is sweet or harsh, the good catch might get turned off by the harshness. - LA

WyldHrt -> RE: "Expecting" a long term D/s relationship? (3/7/2010 7:13:40 PM)
quote: I agree WyldHrt, but then saying things rudely doesn't cut down on the wank mail, it just makes one look rude in their profile. I agree with you. My post was merely intended to point out that sometimes harsh wording isn't the result of a sense of entitlement, but rather the result of bad experiences.

LadyAngelika -> RE: "Expecting" a long term D/s relationship? (3/7/2010 7:19:37 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: WyldHrt quote: I agree WyldHrt, but then saying things rudely doesn't cut down on the wank mail, it just makes one look rude in their profile. I agree with you. My post was merely intended to point out that sometimes harsh wording isn't the result of a sense of entitlement, but rather the result of bad experiences. Indeed. And I was pointing out the vicious circle it creates. I wish more people would realise that. - LA

WyldHrt -> RE: "Expecting" a long term D/s relationship? (3/7/2010 7:21:11 PM)
No worries. A good number of them will eventually find the forums and post a thread about why they can't find their perfect partner [;)]

LadyAngelika -> RE: "Expecting" a long term D/s relationship? (3/7/2010 7:21:19 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact quote: ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact Would you have felt better if the terminology had been different? Such as 'prefer' long term or 'only interested in' long term? If someone is 'only willing to participate' in long term, I think that is something that should be stated up front. Not to be splitting hairs LP, but if I were to state that I was only willing to participate in long term relationships, that would definitely be putting the cart before the horse. That to me would signify locking the relationship in for a set time. I think, because we have no idea what the future can bring, and because it really takes a long time to know someone fully (that is, if we ever really do), the best we can do if a long term relationship is our goal is to be as honest as to who we are, what we want and act in a relationship-minded way. that is, when we find someone we meet, to stop dating others, focus on the one that interests us, etc. We also need to find people who are willing to act in a relationship-minded way. When I look back at my last relationship, I know that we shared a really deep bond and love with one another. Had I listened properly to the cues he was giving me in the beginning however, I would have realised that circumstances made it that at that time in his life, he would not be capable of committing and that he could not be relationship-minded; he had far too many personal transitions to go through. I learned from this and now, I am careful when interacting with someone that appeals to me that he is in the right headspace to be engage in a relationship. Because all the love and lust in the world will not weather the inability, for whatever reason, to make an honest and solid commitment. - LA I think it depends on perspective. I'm thinking of it more from the angle that there are just plain some folks out there who are NOT interested in BDSM unless it is within the confines of a long term relationship. For some, there is no casual play, no play before commitment, etc. Some people have no interest in it until a relationship is established. Putting something to that effect into a person's profile may establish that from the beginning, and perhaps help them to eliminate situations where the partners just aren't in the position to commit. While some people might be interested in enjoying each other for the moment, others don't want to spend the time on someone who, for whatever reasons, aren't good relationship material. Ok, with that explanation, I understand what you meant by "only willing to participate" in long term. You were referring to the BDSM play and not the relationship. Gotcha! - LA

LadyAngelika -> RE: "Expecting" a long term D/s relationship? (3/7/2010 7:22:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: WyldHrt No worries. A good number of them will eventually find the forums and post a thread about why they can't find their perfect partner [;)] Too true!! Tooooooooo true! sighs - LA

Icarys -> RE: "Expecting" a long term D/s relationship? (3/7/2010 7:28:16 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Smutmonger I find this a bit odd when I run across it. It's not always the case but when I see writing like this it denotes to me that the person may be snubbing their nose at a particular idea. Do you think this weeds out "players"? This seems like an okay thing to ask..It's an hoinest question I believe in my mind. It shows curiousity about the subject matter without pushing a personal issue. It could however be seen as a negative based on some of his past posts. Does it put the cart before the horse? Same goes for this one..Could be seen as an honest attempt to engage in a positive discussion..It could also be seen as the opposite depending on how you look at it. Based on his reactions and the responses he's given in reply..it seems to me I might be on the right track. He's either had issues with something happening or He's formed opinions on the word used and decided to make a stance against it because He's perceived arrogance in the profile..Either wrongly or correctly. My questions were a guess..That's why I had a question mark behind them. I think another problem with this argument is that we all are assuming this word had a negative reason behind being used. Including him. It could simply be a different style of writing as I believe someone else has pointed out.

Icarys -> RE: "Expecting" a long term D/s relationship? (3/7/2010 7:53:04 PM)
quote: It is very interesting to note that Icarys made the same assumption as me, yet no one seemed to notice. I have little doubts as to why that is, and the more intelligent around here I'm sure can figure that out as well. lol http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eZGWQauQOAQ

Andalusite -> RE: "Expecting" a long term D/s relationship? (3/7/2010 10:10:56 PM)
I don't think "prefer LTR" would be a suitable way of expressing it, since I think it implies that the person would also be willing to consider a playpartner or fuckbuddy or other options. I probably wouldn't have phrased it as that I "expect" a LTR - it just seems an awkward way of putting it. Back when I was looking, I said something along the lines of "looking for a kinky boyfriend. I'm open to D/s developing, but it isn't necessary." When men contacted me, I asked a lot of questions, and it was pretty easy to screen out most of the ones who just wanted kink without a relationship. I was completely disinterested at the time in a more casual scenario, although I have played casually in the past. My Master and I started dating almost a year ago, and I was with my previous Dominant, who I also met through a BDSM-oriented personals site, for 3 years. The other men I've dated all were ones I knew in person before we started dating, so I don't have extensive experience with looking online. Each time, I met over a dozen possible people, and it was fairly easy to narrow it down.[:D] As far as the "in the bedroom only" aspect, I doubt that has to do with the floor plan. [;)] Last night, I did the dishes and made dinner. Today, he came to lunch with me, my Grandma, and some of my other relatives. We have a relationship and M/s dynamic that extend "outside the bedroom," even though he lives in a studio apartment.

Frankseas -> RE: "Expecting" a long term D/s relationship? (3/9/2010 11:55:22 AM)
Sometimes people have their own opinion or goal of what they are seeking in their "perfect" person and at times with out thinking they might use the wrong words and offend others. Sometimes with out thinking and some do it in spite because of some hurt they have recieved! Most people in my opnion do look for that long term relationship. After all it is better to find that "not so perfect" person and thru gentle ways as well as fun training to change them a little into what you want them to be. And they will do the same with you as well, after all a Dom/Master is not set in their ways....but can bend like a reed in the wind! I would rather spend many long years with one decent and thinking sub/slave, than trying to find a inadequate one every six months or so. trust me it is not worth the angst or fustration that both persons will share that way! Long term all the way thank you and a good duo like that is much better than marriage![;)]

simplyWicked4u -> RE: "Expecting" a long term D/s relationship? (3/9/2010 9:13:40 PM)
or just wishful thinking.....

Smutmonger -> RE: "Expecting" a long term D/s relationship? (3/9/2010 9:29:13 PM)
FR..I stepped away from this for a while to let the "assumers" run through thier paces with some outside rebuttal. I don't have "issues" with people who ask for this,or any from my past to piss me off. So the guessers are totally incorrect. However,this sort of person always seems to have to be right-go figure-no use arguing with someone who is already SURE they are now speaking gospel out of the blue. I just had to wonder at this mindset. And how many issues THEY must have to be so absolute.

WyldHrt -> RE: "Expecting" a long term D/s relationship? (3/9/2010 9:45:41 PM)
quote: I just had to wonder at this mindset. And how many issues THEY must have to be so absolute. As I said above, SM, sometimes the language in a profile will seem absolute, when it is really a poor choice of words due to past interactions on the other side. Personally, I would love to add a few choice words designed to ward off the authors of wankmail and drive-by rudeness, but I know better. Doing so would not slow the crapmail, as such people don't read profiles anyway. Using harsh language/ stating things as ultimatums would only make me look bad to those who actually take the time to read my profile. It's a lose/lose thing to do, but some folks don't understand that.

Smutmonger -> RE: "Expecting" a long term D/s relationship? (3/9/2010 9:51:08 PM)
What gets to me the most is the incredible amount of fantasy seeking going on. It's like some wierd Disney movie. I understand wanting to ward off wankers and "players". Doms get them too-often from women who SHOULD know better. Let me put it this way-I'm a person. I have a life and goals,things I am working towards. It's never an easy thing. Then some random stranger happens along,and not just a wanker. With a proposition, "Gee I want a D/s relationship,maybe you will do." My first reaction is to feel objectified,and not in good ways. Seriously-I don't exist as a game enabler-if just anyone will do-I doubtless won't.

WyldHrt -> RE: "Expecting" a long term D/s relationship? (3/9/2010 9:57:24 PM)
I completely agree with you on the fantasy thing, we get the same deal on our side of the kneel. On our side, it's usually "I need a sub. When can you move here?" or some piece of Castlerhelmesque copy/paste swiped off the web saying how we will be kept naked/ chained 24/7. Those get an eyeroll and quickstep to the delete button, lol.

Smutmonger -> RE: "Expecting" a long term D/s relationship? (3/9/2010 10:02:26 PM)
I think I'm going to toss my cookies the next time I see that same old tired Anais Nin quote they all rip off from each other. It has all the origionality and thought that one commonly puts into taking a crap. quote: ORIGINAL: WyldHrt I completely agree with you on the fantasy thing, we get the same deal on our side of the kneel. On our side, it's usually "I need a sub. When can you move here?" or some piece of Castlerhelmesque copy/paste swiped off the web saying how we will be kept naked/ chained 24/7. Those get an eyeroll and quickstep to the delete button, lol.

WyldHrt -> RE: "Expecting" a long term D/s relationship? (3/9/2010 10:09:21 PM)
quote: I think I'm going to toss my cookies the next time I see that same old tired Anais Nin quote they all rip off from each other. It has all the origionality and thought that one commonly puts into taking a crap. Fights temptation to send cheesy fantasy quotes to SM in cmail [;)]

jujubeeMB -> RE: "Expecting" a long term D/s relationship? (3/9/2010 10:34:07 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Smutmonger I think I'm going to toss my cookies the next time I see that same old tired Anais Nin quote they all rip off from each other. It has all the origionality and thought that one commonly puts into taking a crap. Just remember: the more judgmental you get, the more cynical you'll feel. I have a friend who thought New York was too negative, so she moved to Hawaii. Then she decided the Hawaiians were negative too, so she moved back to her home state of Colorado, where the people were apparently super negative. The only thing these places had in common was her. How does it have anything to do with you if people are having Disney-like fantasy lives? And lots of people look at the Anais Nin quote and think, "oh, that's really lovely, and I relate to it," which is why they use it. They're not using it to piss you off. Readjust the lens through which you view CM and you'll find there are as many great, original, interesting people as you allow there to be.

Smutmonger -> RE: "Expecting" a long term D/s relationship? (3/9/2010 10:38:21 PM)
I just adore it when people tell me how to think. quote: ORIGINAL: jujubeeMB quote: ORIGINAL: Smutmonger I think I'm going to toss my cookies the next time I see that same old tired Anais Nin quote they all rip off from each other. It has all the origionality and thought that one commonly puts into taking a crap. Just remember: the more judgmental you get, the more cynical you'll feel. I have a friend who thought New York was too negative, so she moved to Hawaii. Then she decided the Hawaiians were negative too, so she moved back to her home state of Colorado, where the people were apparently super negative. The only thing these places had in common was her. How does it have anything to do with you if people are having Disney-like fantasy lives? And lots of people look at the Anais Nin quote and think, "oh, that's really lovely, and I relate to it," which is why they use it. They're not using it to piss you off. Readjust the lens through which you view CM and you'll find there are as many great, original, interesting people as you allow there to be.

Honsoku -> RE: "Expecting" a long term D/s relationship? (3/9/2010 11:21:20 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika I agree WyldHrt, but then saying things rudely doesn't cut down on the wank mail, it just makes one look rude in their profile. When I see that kind of rudeness in a profile, it turns me off. A profile is an image of ourselves. While my goal is to have mine be as accurate and realistic as possible, I also want it to have a positive tone. I used to have a line that said something along the lines of "Please address me as LadyAngelika and nothing else. And don't come across as a little dog humping my leg." I removed that because I realised that the kind of man I'm attracted to doesn't need this reminder. Bottom line, while wankers will solicit you regardless if your profile is sweet or harsh, the good catch might get turned off by the harshness. - LA Seconded, thirded, and fourthed.

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