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stella41b -> RE: Kicking Little Lambs In The Teeth (3/10/2010 11:51:23 AM)
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I guess I'm with Icarys on this one, I would have handled it a lot differently but I also see this from a slightly different perspective.
I'm sorry but I just don't get this mentality of those who claim that they don't go in for drama or whining. To me, it's the drama and whining which is often the cement which holds friendships together. Drama to me is the response to changing circumstances in our lives and whining, well would venting or talking about what we don't like or fear be a better way to describe something which we all do in times of weakness?
Yes, that's right, weakness, plain and simple human weakness. Human weakness isn't just what sells a lot of junk food, alcohol and drugs, it isn't just what causes a number of insurance claims, or crimes, but it's also an integral part of our nature - all of us - whether we choose to admit it or not.
Pardon the cliche but life happens, and I feel it's both unreasonable and unrealistic to expect others (and yourself) to go through life always being strong, always coping, always knowing what to do, always coming out on top and making a success of things. That is, unless you live your life shut away in some broom cupboard or closet.
This isn't reality for the reality is, if you're breathing and have contact with other people you're living and like it or not, you're going to end up having issues and baggage and times of weakness. It's not important what issues or baggage you have, it really isn't, but what is important is what you do with your issues or baggage, that you can do what is necessary to deal with these issues and offload the baggage and find strength from your times of weakness.
Personally I don't mind the drama and the 'whining' as some people have put it, I will even accept the weakness just as I do my own weaknesses because I hold myself responsible for everything I say and do and I hold other people responsible for what they say and do as well.
I'm also fascinated as it were by people here who are claiming that because it's online and she's some distance away that the friendship isn't that important. The Internet to me isn't some version of Second Life, but a very valuable resource and communication tool and it doesn't matter whether I have a friend in Islington, London or Idaho it's still a friendship between me and another living person. I have a couple of close friendships which have continued from Poland via the Internet and there are several people in the States who I may never meet, but I count them as friends and they are very dear to me. I form friendships with people, not with their circumstances and not with their issues, but with people.
People with self-esteem issues can be hard work if they're not prepared to shoulder that responsibility for their issue. They get fixated on an event in the past, a relationship - or a cycle of relationships, as relationships happen in cycles because we seek to experience similar situations with the same person or similar people. These people end up with a distorted view of themselves and other people based on what happened in the past, and it gives them a skewed perspective of what is happening now and their interactions with other people.
Unfortunately these are not issues you can resolve on your own, but through your interaction with other people. However the solution requires taking responsibility for your issue, admitting to it, paying particular attention to how you interact with people, and working through it with with someone close to you. However some people aren't prepared to do that because it's either much easier to deny that there's an issue in the first place or to settle for the short term gratification of the attention gained by people going 'oh dear' and 'poor you' and even 'I know, people suck these days'. Until these people start taking responsibility for their issues the whole friendship can degenerate into a series of emotional and mind games where you are always going to end up the loser and the issues always going to win.
There's also the other issue in that, if someone reaches out and you extend a hand to help them, unless you define the conditions and state clearly how you can help, you take on a responsibility to help that person unconditionally through whatever and amen. This isn't really an issue if the person is going to do something with that help and make those first steps in helping themselves, but not everybody is like that.
And so we have the situation presented in the OP, and for me it's still a tale of weakness on both sides. Your friend is being weak through not facing up to or assuming responsibility for her issues - which is a large part of the solution here, it must be said, because we all carry a major part of the responsibility for the way people treat us. You got involved in her issues and mind games to the point where it got too much and you snapped, This is your weakness. This conversation could have happened a long time before, but didn't. It didn't need to reach the point of harsh words and a confrontation.
I would suggest that it's your weakness which was behind the guilt trip when you started the thread. Not that it matters that much because your 'friend' instead of pausing for reflection as to why you responded as you did has simply gone on her sweet merry way and held you responsible.
It's a kind of a lose lose situation when you look at it from a certain perspective. You are minus a friend, she is not just minus a friend but also another opportunity to get some help and support to overcome her issues (only her skewed perspective is blinding her to this) and the only winner here is her self-esteem issue.
But then again it's okay to be weak, and in fact there's a certain amount of strength and character involved in admitting to your own weaknesses, embracing them, and being responsible for them.
But then again it isn't the times of weakness which are important here, but what you do during these times, and whether you can find strength and wisdom to overcome your weaknesses during these times and this to me is what life is all about.
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