RE: Forgot you have a wife??

RE: Forgot you have a wife?? (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion

Message

sublizzie -> RE: Forgot you have a wife?? (4/2/2006 1:56:54 PM)
I spent 26 years in an abusive marriage where I kept my vows. The last 10 years I was completely celibate because of his choices. He was the one who told me to go out and have an affair. It isn't in me to do that. Now that we have been divorced for almost 2 years, and since his death 7 weeks ago, I find that he was having affairs and brought me a lifelong gift. Some of us have lived through those "moral dilemmas" and kept our honor and integrity. Not everyone is like the one person who hurt you. If I were to find a Dom who were interested in me, they could know without a doubt that if I were to commit to them, I would not cheat on them. I have proven myself not to be one who cheats regardless of the provocation. I never said no such thing. I implied that the stiff backs of the righteous are usually made of glass when they find themselves in a moral dilemma. It is easy to mouth glib platitudes when one isn't emotionally involved in a situation. Life is full of moral dilemmas and I understand peoples actions even if I don't agree with them.

Sunshine119 -> RE: Forgot you have a wife?? (4/2/2006 2:10:01 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: toy4Doc quote: ORIGINAL: Sunshine119for anyone, Dom nor sub. Toy4Doc, you aren't even claiming you let anyone know you are married. Seems like you are just looking for a little on the side and don't really care about the person you are seeking. Since there seems to be alot of verom & hatered involved in this discussion, here goes. You seem very eloquent for a dyslexic. You can read, and seem to be able to write, but you don't seem to recognize the words. Earth to duh! We're involved in something very kinky, very out of the mainstream here. *Yes, doofus, it starts out as something on the side.* We are all looking for something very specific. It's hard to find total compatibility in a partner. I've been married 19 years, and on alot of things, we're not compatible at all! Like BDSM, for example. My wife is a massage therapist that I found out the hard way like to have sex with black male clients. I found out the hard way, because she brought me home a STD. I like BDSM, she does not. I have had a few subs that grew into wonderful relationships, on the side. One lasted for several years, through two of her marriages. Both of her husbands knew about me, and my wife knew about her. Look, I know this is a very emotional, very polarizing issue. I just can't believe the level of intolerance somewhere where I'd think the participants would be open minded. I've NEVER lied to a prospective sub. I have 14 & 18 year old children. Financially, I'd be ruined if I tried to disolve my marriage right now. Do I need a note from my wife to share my kinky interests with a willing sub? NO. Do I need your permission, too? I don't think so. Go look in the mirror. You're very pissed at someone at somepoint in your life. Why you're so angry at us is an effect, NOT a cause. Sorry about my hostility. Someone got my goat, and I didn't think she knew where it was tied. Wow! What a well thought out, DOMINANT sounding reply! LOL! Confirms all of my suspicions about you. Look, I am truly sorry that you learned that your wife was cheating on you because you got an STD from her and you have a heck of a lot of anger stemming from that! You've never lied to a prospective sub, yet your profile doesn't identify you as married and looking for a little on the side, or looking for someone without your wife knowing, or looking for someone to cheat with, who may take the place of your wife IF you like her enough. BDSM doesn't start with "something on the side". Don't think "cheating husband" is a classification under "kink". You list yourself as a Dominant but can't even manage your own life. How do you think you will ever be able to dominate anyone else? Throwing a temper-tantrum doesn't change your status from "cheating husband" to Dominant either. Being worried about YOUR financial worth above the worth of your children (yes and the wife YOU choose to stay with) doesn't make you a Dominant either. You don't NEED my permission to do anything. Most of the people I have become involved with through this lifestyle are honest, caring human beings. Many are married, in open marriages with their spouse's consent. Many married people here are in poly households. No problem with me as long as everyone involved knows (including prosepective submissives).Honesty is one of the core values I've experienced with most of the people I've gotten to know here and elsewhere. No one checks their ethics at the door. Exactly WHEN do you tell a prospective submissive that you are married? After the "little on the side" becomes more serious and you either have to get her to agree to continue to mess around with a married man or get her to leave because she has started to suspect and is ready to "out" you to your wife? Well? Most of us are warned about trolling "wankers" when we first get involved here. We'll put your name on our list....lol!

Sunshine119 -> RE: Forgot you have a wife?? (4/2/2006 2:14:57 PM)
sublizzie, Welcome. Great first post! The ethics that we live in our everyday lives are the ethics we bring into this lifestyle. I know some Dominant will see and appreciate yours. Good luck.

GddssBella -> RE: Forgot you have a wife?? (4/2/2006 2:22:49 PM)
G'afternoon all: Mon Dieu, yet another thread about cheaters. Let set some records straight here; http://www.m-w.com/dictionary/cheating See "intransitive senses -2". http://www.m-w.com/dictionary/infidelity See #2. I personally don't care where anyone sticks their wicks provided the following two circumstances are met: KNOWLEDGE and CONSENT. You inform your partner of your intent prior to your actions and they condone it. After that? Have fun. Using it as a weapon to inflict pain and suffering upon your significant other for revenge is just cowardly. It annoys the buttnuts out of me when people view the alternative lifestyle as permission to screw around behind someone's back. It's not intolerance that makes people speak out but rather outrage that mature adults believe their lack of control, moral courage and honesty should be accepted. Ethics are not for convenience. quote: ORIGINAL: primeslave no, i dont judge you ... i just find you distasteful. my perogative. quiet applause Bravo. Stay safe, play nice, & share your toys w/ others... [:D] Bella

BitaTruble -> RE: Forgot you have a wife?? (4/2/2006 2:23:25 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sublizzie I spent 26 years in an abusive marriage where I kept my vows. The last 10 years I was completely celibate because of his choices. He was the one who told me to go out and have an affair. It isn't in me to do that. Now that we have been divorced for almost 2 years, and since his death 7 weeks ago, I find that he was having affairs and brought me a lifelong gift. Some of us have lived through those "moral dilemmas" and kept our honor and integrity. Not everyone is like the one person who hurt you. If I were to find a Dom who were interested in me, they could know without a doubt that if I were to commit to them, I would not cheat on them. I have proven myself not to be one who cheats regardless of the provocation. Now, that is a well said post. What is 'right' is often also the hardest path. Anyone can do cheap and easy. Kudos for your tenacious determination to do what was right. Welcome to the boards. Celeste

Sunshine119 -> RE: Forgot you have a wife?? (4/2/2006 2:28:43 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: GddssBella I personally don't care where anyone sticks their wicks provided the following two circumstances are met: KNOWLEDGE and CONSENT. You inform your partner of your intent prior to your actions and they condone it. After that? Have fun. Using it as a weapon to inflict pain and suffering upon your significant other for revenge is just cowardly. It annoys the buttnuts out of me when people view the alternative lifestyle as permission to screw around behind someone's back. It's not intolerance that makes people speak out but rather outrage that mature adults believe their lack of control, moral courage and honesty should be accepted. Ethics are not for convenience. Bella Bravo, Bella!

meatcleaver -> RE: Forgot you have a wife?? (4/2/2006 2:30:32 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: primeslave i don't believe that any of us give a hoot what a 'cheater' chooses to do. we have repeatedly stated that our concern is for the person who has no idea that the partner that they love and adore is out doing something that would cause them great emotional distress. that the partner that they share their life with is lying to them. if you are in a relationship and you choose to cheat - then that is your choice. what i ask for is the choice to NOT be involved with you. lying to me takes away that choice and when i eventually find out the truth, shrugs, well then you deserve to be thought of as a slug who lies. you earned it. i reiterate my desire to find a person who is honest with me so that i can make my own choices. one last remark, i have found in this world that when you have a pet peeve or something that you harp on a lot... well that is usually your own personal failings that you see in others. it is what we see in the mirror that bothers us so very much. no, i dont judge you ... i just find you distasteful. my perogative. For someone who doesn't give a hoot you have pretty strong opinions. And for someone who says they don't judge but find me distasteful you are pretty judgemental. Not that I care a damn what you think.

CAROLF -> RE: Forgot you have a wife?? (4/2/2006 3:00:26 PM)
Dear SS, thank you so much for you honesty. now i must admit, i am not married, but i tend to be drawn to married Doms? why??? i seem to have issues with committment. big ones. ugh. the married Doms are safe. we talk, we play, we see each other and yes we may love, but one thing we don't do it commit. phew, think i would hyperventilate. so i am looking for a Dom who has all the qualities that meet my needs, he does not have to be single. ugh, pass the papersack!!!

kyraofMists -> RE: Forgot you have a wife?? (4/2/2006 3:22:57 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sskitten To illustrate the difference... let's take the topic of pain sluts as an example. There are plenty of people who write in threads, "I am not a pain slut." I have never seen someone write, "You are wrong to enjoy pain" or "You are wrong to deliver pain even in the interests of someone else's possible pleasure." Everyone who is not a pain slut or pain deliverer just tends to let those who feel comfortable with pain do their thing without interference, without trying to change their minds about how they choose to lead their lives. That is because no one else is being hurt in the process. Frankly, something inside of me cringes and recoils at the thought of this sort of relationship, but we trust that the parties involved can take care of themselves. If I had a good friend who was a pain slut, I would probably express my concerns about his or her emotional and physical well-being, but even if I felt a bit judgmental inside, I would respect my friend enough not to express judgment. And when I read statements by pain sluts on the boards, of course I say nothing because their lives are none of my business. I just try to absorb and learn what I can from the sharing. So you are comparing the judgments that are made of an act where all involved gave consent to an act that by its very nature denys relevant parties the right to consent or not. How is that even a valid comparison of judgmental attitudes? Knight's kyra

kyraofMists -> RE: Forgot you have a wife?? (4/2/2006 3:30:37 PM)
To give a little perspective, my Lord is married. He and alandra have been married for over 15 years. Within days of meeting him, he introduced me to her. We exchanged emails and got to know each other at the same time that I was getting to know him. In truth, she is a slave and role plays as his wife, but if he had hidden her from me or me from her, I would have walked. So if you want to be married and have another relationship as well, I'm all in support of that as long as all parties have given consent and have knowledge of it. Knight's kyra

KnightofMists -> RE: Forgot you have a wife?? (4/2/2006 3:37:18 PM)
quote: I have read strong opinions on most threads, certainly, and often some lively disagreements. But there is a distinctly different tone to the threads where infidelity is discussed. And there seems not to be a possibility of a thread where cheaters could have a discussion among themselves without others telling them how wrong they are. [\quote] yes there is a lot of lively debate and disagreements. But, there is indeed a distinct different tone to threads were individuals show themselves to "Knowingly" take action that "WILL" cause pain and distress to those they supposedly committed too! The question is... are these situations acceptable... for many the answer is No.

meatcleaver -> RE: Forgot you have a wife?? (4/2/2006 3:39:10 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CAROLF Dear SS, thank you so much for you honesty. now i must admit, i am not married, but i tend to be drawn to married Doms? why??? i seem to have issues with committment. big ones. ugh. the married Doms are safe. we talk, we play, we see each other and yes we may love, but one thing we don't do it commit. phew, think i would hyperventilate. so i am looking for a Dom who has all the qualities that meet my needs, he does not have to be single. ugh, pass the papersack!!! That's a brave post with all the witch hunters around. It's a wonder someone isn't calling for a lynching. The facts show when push comes to shove, that not many people remain faithful, much less than 50% I remember reading. Unless so many reports and research papers are totally wrong.

primeslave -> RE: Forgot you have a wife?? (4/2/2006 3:44:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CAROLF Dear SS, thank you so much for you honesty. now i must admit, i am not married, but i tend to be drawn to married Doms? why??? i seem to have issues with committment. big ones. ugh. the married Doms are safe. we talk, we play, we see each other and yes we may love, but one thing we don't do it commit. phew, think i would hyperventilate. so i am looking for a Dom who has all the qualities that meet my needs, he does not have to be single. ugh, pass the papersack!!! just out of curiousity -- why don't you say that you are looking for a relationship with a married Dom in your profile? what you didn't state though was whether or not you wanted the married Dom to be an honest Dom or a cheating Dom. maybe it doesnt matter to you like it does to others. i know lots of submissives who play with married Dominants whose wives are aware of what they are doing. i still think it all boils down to honesty. if this is what you prefer, then state it in your profile so that the single Doms out there don't waste their time. i think that all of us who are looking for single Dominants/Masters/submissives/slaves/Switches whatever really appreciate it being stated right up front in the profile what your marital status is and what you are looking for. if you distill this entire thread down to its core ... honesty and having the ability to make the right choice based on the information given.

kyraofMists -> RE: Forgot you have a wife?? (4/2/2006 3:47:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: meatcleaver The facts show when push comes to shove, that not many people remain faithful, much less than 50% I remember reading. Unless so many reports and research papers are totally wrong. LOL That is an original aurgument... "everyone else is doing it!!!" Sounds like a petulent child to me. Just because many people are doing it, doesn't make it the right thing to do.

meatcleaver -> RE: Forgot you have a wife?? (4/2/2006 3:53:03 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kyraofMists quote: ORIGINAL: meatcleaver The facts show when push comes to shove, that not many people remain faithful, much less than 50% I remember reading. Unless so many reports and research papers are totally wrong. LOL That is an original aurgument... "everyone else is doing it!!!" Sounds like a petulent child to me. Just because many people are doing it, doesn't make it the right thing to do. As lawyers often say. A stupid law is a law that no one obeys. If the majority of people are unfaithful which research appears to show as true, maybe that says something about human nature and maybe the sensible thing is for people to accept human nature rather than shoe horning it into stupid morals that the majority appear to agree with in public but break in private!

KnightofMists -> RE: Forgot you have a wife?? (4/2/2006 4:00:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: meatcleaver If the majority of people are unfaithful which research appears to show as true, maybe that says something about human nature and maybe the sensible thing is for people to accept human nature rather than shoe horning it into stupid morals that the majority appear to agree with in public but break in private! provide the research reference to support the claim.... I for one feel such a claim to be rather flimsy at best! My experience has showed me that thou unfaithfulness is a significant account of failed relationships, it by far not the majority that you seem to suggest.

kyraofMists -> RE: Forgot you have a wife?? (4/2/2006 4:01:17 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: meatcleaver If the majority of people are unfaithful which research appears to show as true, maybe that says something about human nature and maybe the sensible thing is for people to accept human nature rather than shoe horning it into stupid morals that the majority appear to agree with in public but break in private! No one is saying that you have to be faithful to one person for the rest of your life. What they are saying is don't lie about the fact that you want to have more than one relationship. If you think having one relationship is stupid, then have the courage to actually be honest about that to all parties involved. Don't lie and cheat to get what you want. Knight's kyra

frog -> RE: Forgot you have a wife?? (4/2/2006 4:03:00 PM)
quote: sigh gotta kiss a lot of frogs I reckon. You'll get there. fergus Hey, now. Not all of us are bad. =(

CERCKL -> RE: Forgot you have a wife?? (4/2/2006 4:06:07 PM)
A lot of cynical laughter on My part reading all the posts on this... I think the primary focus for Me is honesty, period. My personal situation is NOT what I ever envisioned it to be...nor when I got married to a woman I lived with for several years, thought would happen...when she has tried to rationalize why she wanted to leave, she places both the reasons and blame on My shoulders and that helps to justify it, I can handle that. Not getting into the boring epic of My situation, let's just keep it to this...when I first got to know lotus, she was told My situation...she said 'Whoa'...ok. I did email to explain a little more, not to weasel or manipulate or justify, just explain...eventually she came to believe Me. Where I always was truthful with My wife, I had difficulty opening up to her, so she always believed I was lying, I may be slow but I learn...I am much more open, careful, but open. Now I sit among My wife's packed belongings as she waits for her apartment to be available and I deal with her staying here a night or two a week...and I keep My mouth shut when she vents and processes...but I am content; my wife, hopefully she will be...as for My views on honesty, they are MINE. I choose them, for anyone else, that is up to them; I cannot dictate how anyone else lives...nor do I wish to, well, except for lotus but that is another discussion, and even there, it is her responsibility. Just amused by the open veins on this thread...probably because the pain and betrayal is familiar... Hope all will be well, C

swtnsparkling -> RE: Forgot you have a wife?? (4/2/2006 4:13:03 PM)
quote: Talking the talk is easy and I'm always suspicious of people who find talk easy. Be as suspicious as you like. I don't care. I am married and I had to make a choice, tell spouse about my desire to pursue this lifestyle and be true to myself and him or cheat. How could I tell a Dom I am an honest person and he can trust me 100%, if I was just going to lie to my spouse. In my mind no matter how hard I wanted it to make sense it just didn't. On one hand yes your honest with one person- yet on the other hand its ok to lie to the other. Cant have it both ways either your an honest person or your not.What is to keep you from lying again to some one else? I was ready for any consequence ( if he wanted to end the marrige) It wasn't easy and it scared me to death- I chose not to be a liar. He is a good decent man my partner in life he desreved my respect and honesty that didnt fade away just because after 10 yr of marrige I learned I was submissive. I choose that when I give my word when I say Im honest I mean it and I'm not going to fuck around with that.

Page: << < prev 4 5 [6] 7 8 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.046875