RE: Married to vanilla?

RE: Married to vanilla? (Full Version)

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domiguy -> RE: Married to vanilla? (3/12/2010 8:26:19 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Firebirdseeking Whoever Dan Savage is ( quoted in Cloudboy's post), he sounds like a moron. Here is a newsflash: most women dont like to be treated like we are here only to "put out". I dont care if its a D/s or a vanilla relationship, that attitude is really disrespectful, and doesnt say much for men OR women. Ya know, when you get married - no, wait - when you are in a COMMITTED relationship, the commitment is to try to work out differences and communicate. No. Actually Dan Savage kind of nailed it. It's not the fucking rule but a lot of my guy friends are non to happy with their wife's libidos, or lack there of. All I know is that someone is getting fucked.

GraciousLady -> RE: Married to vanilla? (3/12/2010 8:37:45 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mstrslve4fun quote: ORIGINAL: brainiacsub quote: ORIGINAL: GraciousLady This is a prime example why I preach to not jump into relationships. This guy married a woman, had kids and didn't realize this was coming? I don't mean to sound like a bitch here but why did he marry her THEN have kids if he knew there was this huge valley between them that he would struggle with? Now he's on an internet site trying to deal with it? And for what it's worth, I do not believe your wife knows your on here nor does she know you are, as you claim, active in the fetish community. I say I do not believe you because no vanilla woman would be ok with her husband having a profile on the internet looking for encounters. You have fewer options now and should know your life stopped being your own when those kids came along. Your real options? Divorce your wife and have the life you want but be a good Dad. Delete the profile and stop trying to hook up and live with your choices. Lady, I'm with you on this one. After reading the entire thread, I was wondering when somebody was going to state the obvious and give this guy some real advice he could take to the bank. IMHO, this marriage was over long before the second kid was even born. However, I'll go out on a limb here and say I don't entirely blame the OP. When sex becomes a chore, marriage becomes just another legal contract. Am I the only one that has a problem with this? There's more to marriage and love then kink. To base a marriage and love and relationship simply on whether you are compatible in the fetish lifestyle is just wrong, IMO. To me, the relationship comes first, kink is just the frosting on the cake. I completely agree love, marriage and responsibility are before kink. However, the OP does not feel this way. He is self focused and, to say the least, restless and apparently looking for a play pal in spite of his protests. My statement to divorce or become resolved was based on what my feelings were about his particular situation.

Firebirdseeking -> RE: Married to vanilla? (3/12/2010 8:48:50 PM)
Your guy friends are immature idiots. I can tell you this: as over 30 years as a psychotherapist, when a woman loses interest in sex, there is a major RELATIONSHIP problem. #1 problem on my list of rule outs is that the wife feels disrespected, and has lost respect for her husband. Those wives should just pull out a breast and little baby boy husbands some tit.. Because that is what they are. Little baby boys not getting what they want - what they think they are ENTITLED TO - and think its all about her and nothing to do with them.

LafayetteLady -> RE: Married to vanilla? (3/12/2010 9:09:22 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: brainiacsub With your experience in Family Law, do you not think that statistics would bear out my views? For example, more than 50% of marriages end in divorce, and of those who stay married, easily a third to half are unhappy and accept less than fullfilling sex lives as the price of marriage? My worldview only seeks to explain what is, not present the world as it is not. There was another thread where the statistics and the flaws of statistics were discussed. I'm not one of those who searches them out and puts the link, so you will have to find it yourself. Your comment on a third of the remaining marriages being unhappy is nothing more than your opinion. As mstrslve4fun stated, there is a lot more to marriage, love and relationships than sexual satisfaction. Each individual must decide for themselves what they want as the priority in their lives and relationships. If a couple has a less than satisfying sex life prior to getting married and decides to marry when sex is a high priority item, then they have no one to blame but themselves. Your worldview seeks to explain your opinion, as it is just that your worldview. Happily, my worldview is different and not quite so pessimistic. I have a delightful relationship and a delightful sex life. When there have been dull moments, steps were sucessfully taken to change the dull, it really isn't all that difficult to do. It is, however, difficult, to maintain a healthy, successful relationship when one's "worldview" is that more often than not they will fail to do so.

LafayetteLady -> RE: Married to vanilla? (3/12/2010 9:12:20 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: brainiacsub Of course there is more to marriage and love than kink, but we are talking sex here. Few vanilla marriages survive without fulfilling sex. Kink just happens to be how this guy enjoys sex. For many, there is no relationship without sex. Wasn't that the whole point of this thread? How long would you stay in a relationship that wasn't sexually satisfying? Wow, so if you entered into a committed monogamous relationship and for whatever reason your partner became ill and couldn't satisfy you sexually, you wouldn't stick around? Or is it that you would just seek fufillment elsewhere? Either way, it doesn't speak highly of you.

SweetDommes -> RE: Married to vanilla? (3/12/2010 9:24:49 PM)
Oh, he wouldn't seek fulfillment elsewhere without a divorce first ... because he thinks that poly is a ... how did he put it ... a huge stinking pile of crap, I believe? At least, I certainly hope that he would get a divorce first, because I'd hate for him to add to the numbers who give poly a bad name. To the OP - you've gotten some good advice already. My advice - remove your profile from the personals side of the site, talk to your wife, make sure that she feels loved and appreciated, make sure that she's not overwhelmed and feeling overworked and used by the children and you. Basically, put extra effort into making sure that she is healthy and whole, both mentally and physically, before trying to push towards being more kinky again. *edited for clarity

cloudboy -> RE: Married to vanilla? (3/12/2010 9:47:22 PM)
quote: Actually Dan Savage kind of nailed it. He has a gift. The "if only" letters was a priceless observation. When are you going to syndicate a national column?

brainiacsub -> RE: Married to vanilla? (3/12/2010 10:02:28 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady There was another thread where the statistics and the flaws of statistics were discussed. I'm not one of those who searches them out and puts the link, so you will have to find it yourself. Your comment on a third of the remaining marriages being unhappy is nothing more than your opinion. As mstrslve4fun stated, there is a lot more to marriage, love and relationships than sexual satisfaction. Each individual must decide for themselves what they want as the priority in their lives and relationships. If a couple has a less than satisfying sex life prior to getting married and decides to marry when sex is a high priority item, then they have no one to blame but themselves. Your worldview seeks to explain your opinion, as it is just that your worldview. Happily, my worldview is different and not quite so pessimistic. I have a delightful relationship and a delightful sex life. When there have been dull moments, steps were sucessfully taken to change the dull, it really isn't all that difficult to do. It is, however, difficult, to maintain a healthy, successful relationship when one's "worldview" is that more often than not they will fail to do so. Why are you taking this personally? If you have a different experience that falls outside the statistics that I presented, then good for you. I'm happy for you. Unfortunately, the OP's situation, by his own words and profile, fits well within the model I offered. I have a formal background and training in scientific methods and use of statistics. I stand by the ones I presented here. FYI - I am a she, not a he. I was married in my early 20's, and by mid 20's my husband left me with a 1 yr old daughter and 4 months pregnant with our son. I raised both kids alone for 20 yrs. I won't go in to all the personal details here, but suffice it to say that I empathize with the OP and also with his wife and most definitely with his kids. There are no easy answers here, but staying unhappily married is certainly not one of them. And no, I wouldn't divorce an ill spouse, but that's not what this thread is about, is it?

domiguy -> RE: Married to vanilla? (3/12/2010 10:04:44 PM)
I am the type that would divorce an ill spouse. If it's really anything more than he common cold you is on your own.

brainiacsub -> RE: Married to vanilla? (3/12/2010 10:13:11 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: domiguy I am the type that would divorce an ill spouse. If it's really anything more than he common cold you is on your own. And if I were married to you, I'd change my views on monogamy.

domiguy -> RE: Married to vanilla? (3/12/2010 10:29:12 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: brainiacsub quote: ORIGINAL: domiguy I am the type that would divorce an ill spouse. If it's really anything more than he common cold you is on your own. And if I were married to you, I'd change my views on monogamy. I know.....I know....You would keep bugging me, and bugging me about finding you a sister slave or two and filling out our poly home. I know.....I know.......Come to Domiguy.

WyldHrt -> RE: Married to vanilla? (3/12/2010 10:30:26 PM)
quote: I know.....I know.......Come to Domiguy. Just be sure to get all your shots first. [:D]

brainiacsub -> RE: Married to vanilla? (3/12/2010 10:34:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: domiguy quote: ORIGINAL: brainiacsub quote: ORIGINAL: domiguy I am the type that would divorce an ill spouse. If it's really anything more than he common cold you is on your own. And if I were married to you, I'd change my views on monogamy. I know.....I know....You would keep bugging me, and bugging me about finding you a sister slave or two and filling out our poly home. I know.....I know.......Come to Domiguy. Does poly mean that there would actually be someone in the house who could satisfy me? Then yes, I'm changing my views on poly, too.

domiguy -> RE: Married to vanilla? (3/12/2010 10:40:55 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Firebirdseeking Your guy friends are immature idiots. I can tell you this: as over 30 years as a psychotherapist, when a woman loses interest in sex, there is a major RELATIONSHIP problem. #1 problem on my list of rule outs is that the wife feels disrespected, and has lost respect for her husband. Those wives should just pull out a breast and little baby boy husbands some tit.. Because that is what they are. Little baby boys not getting what they want - what they think they are ENTITLED TO - and think its all about her and nothing to do with them. Cloudboy do not judge our little Firebirdseeking too harshly...She has endured a lot....She has obviously still not recovered from Aaron Rodgers untimely fumble in the playoffs. Grief can manifest itself in all sorts of fashions...In my 30 years as a psychotherapist....(or as my friends like to say....I take the "the" out of psychotherapist)..Anywhooo, where was I? Ah yes, in my 30 years as a psychotherapist I have found that when a women loses interest in sex it often mirrors how well the Green Bay Packers have been playing of late. If the Pack have a good season she is as exciting and wet as an electric eel in a hot tub...A few bad games and she gets as dry and tight as a mummy's twat. And Firebird, if you think you are going to appease your husbands sex drive by giving him a little teat...well that's just silly unless you get into some good ol' fashioned titty fucking.

LafayetteLady -> RE: Married to vanilla? (3/13/2010 3:25:04 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: brainiacsub quote: ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady There was another thread where the statistics and the flaws of statistics were discussed. I'm not one of those who searches them out and puts the link, so you will have to find it yourself. Your comment on a third of the remaining marriages being unhappy is nothing more than your opinion. As mstrslve4fun stated, there is a lot more to marriage, love and relationships than sexual satisfaction. Each individual must decide for themselves what they want as the priority in their lives and relationships. If a couple has a less than satisfying sex life prior to getting married and decides to marry when sex is a high priority item, then they have no one to blame but themselves. Your worldview seeks to explain your opinion, as it is just that your worldview. Happily, my worldview is different and not quite so pessimistic. I have a delightful relationship and a delightful sex life. When there have been dull moments, steps were sucessfully taken to change the dull, it really isn't all that difficult to do. It is, however, difficult, to maintain a healthy, successful relationship when one's "worldview" is that more often than not they will fail to do so. Why are you taking this personally? If you have a different experience that falls outside the statistics that I presented, then good for you. I'm happy for you. Unfortunately, the OP's situation, by his own words and profile, fits well within the model I offered. I have a formal background and training in scientific methods and use of statistics. I stand by the ones I presented here. FYI - I am a she, not a he. I was married in my early 20's, and by mid 20's my husband left me with a 1 yr old daughter and 4 months pregnant with our son. I raised both kids alone for 20 yrs. I won't go in to all the personal details here, but suffice it to say that I empathize with the OP and also with his wife and most definitely with his kids. There are no easy answers here, but staying unhappily married is certainly not one of them. And no, I wouldn't divorce an ill spouse, but that's not what this thread is about, is it? I'm not taking it personally at all, although it is quite obvious from your history that you have a bitter taste in your mouth from your own marriage, which is understandable. While you may have a "formal background and training in scientific methods and statistics," you obviously don't have a realistic view of people. Relationships aren't scientific. The OP's words and profile don't support your opinion at all. Is the marriage in a rough patch? No doubt. But it is far from unsalvageable. The OP has already admitted that his approach is more than likely turning her off on participating and without a doubt, having a 3 month old baby isn't doing a thing for her libido. In the end though, the bottom line still remains that the inability to get kinky sex after 10 years of marriage (especially when there is obviously some sex happening) in no way means the marriage is doomed. The mere fact that the OP came on here looking for some advice on how to spark more interest from his wife is a clear sign that he wants to work on the marriage. Not everyone who isn't getting their kink on is doomed to a life of dissatisfaction by staying in the relationship they committed to. Your viewpoint is clearly tainted by your own experience. I'm truly sorry you married someone who turned out to be such a shitheel, but letting it cloud your view of relationships will mean you give biased opinions and it will doom your own relationships. There are some pretty solid statistics on that as well.

Firebirdseeking -> RE: Married to vanilla? (3/13/2010 11:45:49 AM)
Silly man. Sometimes I think you are on the boards for the sole purpose to be provocative, and not provide any real comments. And if they are "real" comments - well that is even more silly or scary.

azjojoba -> RE: Married to vanilla? (3/13/2010 8:29:25 PM)
All the women here tell men to get a divorce. It's their standard advice. You would think they would be more into helping guys like you. My advice is to find a domme on the side (very difficult to do) or see if you can talk your wife into taking hormones. I haven't been able to do either, so I sympathize with your plight.

Lockit -> RE: Married to vanilla? (3/13/2010 8:31:31 PM)
az, you didn't read the thread. The op got lots of advice and it wasn't all to divorce. Stop projecting your own situation onto others.

azjojoba -> RE: Married to vanilla? (3/13/2010 8:31:41 PM)
Then why not ask your wife is you can have her permission to play?

LafayetteLady -> RE: Married to vanilla? (3/13/2010 9:02:34 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: azjojoba All the women here tell men to get a divorce. It's their standard advice. You would think they would be more into helping guys like you. My advice is to find a domme on the side (very difficult to do) or see if you can talk your wife into taking hormones. I haven't been able to do either, so I sympathize with your plight. Yes it can be difficult to find someone to be an accomplice in duplicity. Go figure. Of course if you read the thread, you would have realized that the OP is also a switch, so a domme really wouldn't cover all of his "needs." As for wanting your wife to take hormones, all I can say is that you are an idiot and she really should divorce you. Any man who is looking for his wife to take drugs just so he can have his sexual needs met is a selfish son of a bitch who doesn't deserve to get laid.

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