Is Dominance An Altered Language Of Affection?

Is Dominance An Altered Language Of Affection? (Full Version)

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beej -> Is Dominance An Altered Language Of Affection? (3/11/2010 1:47:52 PM)
i've been having some translation problems with my guy, and i'm wondering whether at some point, i should expect a Dominant to express affection in the language of his/er kink, or whether s/he should always be held to the same standards of expressing affection as any other lover or loved one? the scenario: yesterday, i was in a bad mood for a lot of reasons (sick stomach, didn't get much sleep, etc.) my Dom is easy going and even keel, so i asked him what would happen if i turned up to his house in a foul mood? conversation paraphrased as follows: Wood: if you give me attitude, i'll punish you. otherwise, we'll do it the same as usual (usual for us is fucking like cave people) beej: i wouldn't be in a bad mood toward you just in general. wouldn't you try to act comforting? Wood: no. i'll fuck you how i see fit. beej: say what? you're going to punish me with rough sex for not being cheerful? Wood: no, that's not a punishment. that's our way, and it's right for us, don't you think? beej: seems like it doesn't matter what i think or feel. but i guess if i don't like your way, i can leave. Wood: leave? as in, for good? what, are you unhappy in our relationship? beej: [pissy] Wood: i hope you feel the same as me, but honestly, do you see this lasting or is quitting your back up plan? i'm trying to have the right perspective on this. if i squint at it from my perspective, it sounds like he's saying, "i'm going to fuck you how i want without regard to your feelings." had another lover said that to me, there wouldn't even have been a conversation on my way out the door. if i squint at it from his perspective, he claims to be saying, "we'll make love no matter what." that's exactly what he said when i told him that my libido was higher during my monthly or when we talked about the weather for our weekend. it could be snowing outside, i could be filthy, smell like a fishery, and be in a foul mood, but we are still going to go at if for hours. he's a naturalist; taking and being taken in a raw state is what he calls closeness. maybe i'm stuck on what i'm giving up. my ex would cuddle/coddle me when i was in a bad mood, but then again, he didn't want me when i was seeing red or running red, even if i needed him then. Wood isn't solicitous in general, but he has posted up everywhere in my life just to be there, i guess. i hear from him several times a day even if it's just to say, "i don't have anything to say; i just want to know what you're doing." he comments on my blog. he's meeting my friends and charming their asses off. he wants more of my time and is bending his schedule to get it since we live at few hours apart. these are the signs of someone who cares, i keep telling myself. he says that he cares, more than once a day; he says that i make him happy. but once you start reinterpreting your standards, it's a slippery slope toward rationalizing things. it would help me to know if i should, to a certain extent, expect him to speak an altered language of affection. to be fair, i should also admit that i'm notorious for scrounging up reasons to be less vulnerable.

SimplyMichael -> RE: Is Dominance An Altered Language Of Affection? (3/11/2010 1:58:11 PM)
quote: Wood isn't solicitous in general, but he has posted up everywhere in my life just to be there, i guess. i hear from him several times a day even if it's just to say, "i don't have anything to say; i just want to know what you're doing." he comments on my blog. he's meeting my friends and charming their asses off. he wants more of my time and is bending his schedule to get it since we live at few hours apart. these are the signs of someone who cares, i keep telling myself. he says that he cares, more than once a day; he says that i make him happy. but once you start reinterpreting your standards, it's a slippery slope toward rationalizing things. Its nice when they make you feel special and loved, isn't it? Now, perhaps he hopes fucking you like an animal WILL change your mood? Of course the way to find that out is to talk to him and it isn't quite clear if you have layed out your need to have him reach out and touch you when you need that. Some women are happy with a guy who is just there to fuck them, some want more, looks like you might have some decisions to make. You can comprimise on HOW your needs are met...comprimising on having them met at all is risky, sometimes a whole bunch of good things...makes letting one workable but then you get into that whole want vs. need debate. Don't laugh...buy a copy of the five love languages book...there is even a guy's version, it opened my eyes to a few things and might help you two work through this.

hlen5 -> RE: Is Dominance An Altered Language Of Affection? (3/11/2010 2:02:33 PM)
Is it only in the area of affection/intimacy that you are feeling frustrated in your communications?

Elisabella -> RE: Is Dominance An Altered Language Of Affection? (3/11/2010 3:00:12 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: beej Wood: if you give me attitude, i'll punish you. otherwise, we'll do it the same as usual (usual for us is fucking like cave people) beej: i wouldn't be in a bad mood toward you just in general. wouldn't you try to act comforting? Wood: no. i'll fuck you how i see fit. beej: say what? you're going to punish me with rough sex for not being cheerful? Wood: no, that's not a punishment. that's our way, and it's right for us, don't you think? beej: seems like it doesn't matter what i think or feel. but i guess if i don't like your way, i can leave. Wood: leave? as in, for good? what, are you unhappy in our relationship? beej: [pissy] Wood: i hope you feel the same as me, but honestly, do you see this lasting or is quitting your back up plan? Your guy is blatantly contradicting himself. First he says he'll do it as a punishment, then when you question the logic of that he retreats and says "it's not a punishment it's just how we are." quote: it would help me to know if i should, to a certain extent, expect him to speak an altered language of affection. My husband is dominant, he hugs me, snuggles me, makes a stuffed animal hop over to me when I'm sad, and in general is very respectful of my feelings and needs. So if you're not comfortable with an altered language of affection don't settle for it.

littlewonder -> RE: Is Dominance An Altered Language Of Affection? (3/11/2010 3:31:18 PM)
In Master's domain he understands I have my bad mood days and he allows me to rant and complain as long as I'm still respectful towards Him which imo is more than reasonable. There are times when he knows I need to be coddled a little, given a bit more affection and warmth than usual. He also knows when he needs to give some tough love and put on my big girl panties and get on with life. When I do tend to get snippy from time to time he'll remind me to curb my attitude. If I don't I can expect to be punished. If I continued to be that I would probably find myself not within his service anymore. I would say if you feel unhappy in your relationship and you feel you aren't getting enough attention and affection then you need to speak to him. If you both find you're speaking different languages that you can't communicate clearly then you may have some difficult decisions to make.

beej -> RE: Is Dominance An Altered Language Of Affection? (3/11/2010 4:04:15 PM)
quote: Its nice when they make you feel special and loved, isn't it? Now, perhaps he hopes fucking you like an animal WILL change your mood? good point. i'm an over-analyzer par excellence and tend to think myself into bad moods, and he knows that about me. quote: You can comprimise on HOW your needs are met...comprimising on having them met at all is risky. word. i guess i need to dig a little deeper and figure out what exactly i would want him to do. is it even necessarily cuddling, or was i just shocked that he said he wasn't going to do that? i'm wondering now if that wasn't just my read-too-many-Cosmo-mags reaction. because: quote: Is it only in the area of affection/intimacy that you are feeling frustrated in your communications? yes, that's the only area, and it's only in affection. he's very intimate, especially when i was with him, it was almost uncomfortable how much time i spent hugged up under a giant after he'd worn my ass out. the intimacy startled me, lol. we're well matched in regular communication though not the same. i ask truckloads of questions, and he answers extremely openly. he's good at responding to prompts: giving advice, supporting/commenting on my endeavors. and he's good at declaring his states of mind: "i miss you." i need you." "i hope you have a good day." "i think your friend so-and-so is a tool." but let's say i complain that i'm sitting around a doctor's office waiting for my aunt and it sucks, he doesn't have anything to say to that, maybe because he can't do anything about it? on the other hand, if i say that i can't sleep, he's got an offer for that for the next time i see him, heheh. i've asked about this stuff, but he doesn't seem to know what to say. it's like asking him why he's tall or why he likes me or why he kissed me right then. his answers are always, "i don't know. i just do. i wanted too." which is to say, i don't think being under-demonstrative is an affectation or some kind of power play; it just doesn't occur to him to spout off with things to say or do that smooth over the moment. i remember after the first time he fucked me, i kind of freaked out because it was like, "whoa." i wouldn't look at him or anything. so he asked me, "how are you feeling?" i tried to wiggle out of saying "whoa". i don't even remember what i said. he didn't start in with, "it's okay; we're in this together." he hugged up on me and went to sleep. i didn't know what to make of that at the time; i was too deep in my freak out. but maybe that was supposed to be reassuring or at least a statement of fact: we are literally in this together. ugh. i dunno. i'm thinking way too much about this. it's just that i'm going back on Saturday, and all the old juice from the first time is filling my veins. dude put some serious mojo on me. it's scary! i keep trying to root up the ways that i'm romanticizing it so i can have a reason to wise up.

RedMagic1 -> RE: Is Dominance An Altered Language Of Affection? (3/11/2010 4:08:16 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: beej honestly, do you see this lasting or is quitting your back up plan? Well, is it?

beej -> RE: Is Dominance An Altered Language Of Affection? (3/11/2010 4:22:43 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: beej honestly, do you see this lasting or is quitting your back up plan? Well, is it? i told him no. i don't want to make a liar out of myself, and honestly, i think i'd be an idiot if i did, now that i've had some feedback and thought about it. kind of feels like throwing out a steak dinner because it came with peas instead of asparagus. thanks for your help, everyone. i've already crossed into topics that i can't ask my vanilla friends about. but i've sunk ships from poking holes in them before, and i'm trying not to do that.

VaguelyCurious -> RE: Is Dominance An Altered Language Of Affection? (3/11/2010 4:29:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: beej thanks for your help, everyone. i've already crossed into topics that i can't ask my vanilla friends about. but i've sunk ships from poking holes in them before, and i'm trying not to do that. Disclaimer: I'm not entirely sober. But I'm also pretty sure I've got a valid point here. Fundamental question: are you happier with this guy than you would be without him? Because, if you are, the details of how he reacts to X, Y, Z are just detail you can talk over and discuss with him...

chamberqueen -> RE: Is Dominance An Altered Language Of Affection? (3/11/2010 6:21:09 PM)
I seem to see the conversation differently than anyone else. You asked what would happen if you showed up in a foul mood and he said that he would punish you if you gave him attitude. Otherwise you would do as normal. I don't see that in any way as equating to your "normal" being punishment. It just doesn't look like coddling is his style. He expects that if you show up the two of you will do your normal. I see him being dominant and asserting his wishes - plain and simple. He doesn't wish to sit and hold your hand if you don't feel well but still expects you to serve him. In response you basically challenged him, saying it obviously didn't matter what you think of feel (which I never saw implied in his words) and then, oh well, I can always leave if I don't like it. That rings of tones of "woe is me" to me. He picked up on the possible threat of you leaving and asked about it which shows me that he truly cares whether you see that as a viable option. By asking you about it he could find out whether you saw that as a true back up plan and were basically waiting with one foot out the door. What I see hidden in his words is that he wants what he wants, that he cares about you but will not tolerate disobedience, and that if your plan is to simply leave if you don't get your way that you'd better let him know that.

Smutmonger -> RE: Is Dominance An Altered Language Of Affection? (3/11/2010 6:30:08 PM)
He's telling you he has a boundary. Pay attention and get over yourself.

CelticPrince -> RE: Is Dominance An Altered Language Of Affection? (3/11/2010 7:16:43 PM)
quote: i've been having some translation problems with my guy, and i'm wondering whether at some point, i should expect a Dominant to express affection in the language of his/er kink, or whether s/he should always be held to the same standards of expressing affection as any other lover or loved one? the scenario: yesterday, i was in a bad mood for a lot of reasons (sick stomach, didn't get much sleep, etc.) my Dom is easy going and even keel, so i asked him what would happen if i turned up to his house in a foul mood? conversation paraphrased as follows: Wood: if you give me attitude, i'll punish you. otherwise, we'll do it the same as usual (usual for us is fucking like cave people) beej: i wouldn't be in a bad mood toward you just in general. wouldn't you try to act comforting? Wood: no. i'll fuck you how i see fit. beej: say what? you're going to punish me with rough sex for not being cheerful? Wood: no, that's not a punishment. that's our way, and it's right for us, don't you think? beej: seems like it doesn't matter what i think or feel. but i guess if i don't like your way, i can leave. Wood: leave? as in, for good? what, are you unhappy in our relationship? beej: [pissy] Wood: i hope you feel the same as me, but honestly, do you see this lasting or is quitting your back up plan? i'm trying to have the right perspective on this. if i squint at it from my perspective, it sounds like he's saying, "i'm going to fuck you how i want without regard to your feelings." had another lover said that to me, there wouldn't even have been a conversation on my way out the door. if i squint at it from his perspective, he claims to be saying, "we'll make love no matter what." that's exactly what he said when i told him that my libido was higher during my monthly or when we talked about the weather for our weekend. it could be snowing outside, i could be filthy, smell like a fishery, and be in a foul mood, but we are still going to go at if for hours. he's a naturalist; taking and being taken in a raw state is what he calls closeness. maybe i'm stuck on what i'm giving up. my ex would cuddle/coddle me when i was in a bad mood, but then again, he didn't want me when i was seeing red or running red, even if i needed him then. Wood isn't solicitous in general, but he has posted up everywhere in my life just to be there, i guess. i hear from him several times a day even if it's just to say, "i don't have anything to say; i just want to know what you're doing." he comments on my blog. he's meeting my friends and charming their asses off. he wants more of my time and is bending his schedule to get it since we live at few hours apart. these are the signs of someone who cares, i keep telling myself. he says that he cares, more than once a day; he says that i make him happy. but once you start reinterpreting your standards, it's a slippery slope toward rationalizing things. it would help me to know if i should, to a certain extent, expect him to speak an altered language of affection. to be fair, i should also admit that i'm notorious for scrounging up reasons to be less vulnerable. beej, Well congrats on giving so details on the problem so there is less guessing. Methinks that he does care for you very much but something in your initial dance with him set his program mentally toward your needing sex before all else. Get his mind straight by sitting and having a good conversation over dinner at a restaurant; tell him candidly that you also need the mental support that is given by a Dominant to his sub. CP _____________________________ spankin' new sub with switchy aspirations

LafayetteLady -> RE: Is Dominance An Altered Language Of Affection? (3/11/2010 8:11:34 PM)
beej, As others have said, that might just be "his way." Of course, that doesn't negate your need for a little affection or cuddling, does it? I have been with my partner for 14 years, and he is not the demonstrative type at all. Early on, it caused quite a few disagreements between us. When he has had a bad day or is in a bad mood, he is cranky, snarky and will just shut down completely. When I have a bad day or am in a bad mood, I want to vent, I want to be held and feel loved. So how have we managed to deal with such opposite reactions to last as long as we have? Well, we don't live together, which can be helpful, believe it or not. We have gotten through it by managing to communicate better. When he has a bad day and is really cranky, he will let me know, and often we will not see each other that night because it won't be much fun for either of us. Other times, he will still want to see me, but with the "warning" that he had a bad day or is cranky, I have learned how to deal with his bad mood well enough to either improve it or not bring up anything that will make it worse. There isn't a whole lot of us talking when he is like that, and it is actually a good thing. When the same thing happens with me, I also let him know. I will also let him know that I need to vent, and he will allow that to a point. When he's heard enough, he let's me know. When the day has been so bad that I need to have that cuddling, I let him know that, too. Even though he isn't typically the "cuddling" type, he will give me what I need and provide the comfort and affection that I need. It's a compromise to make a relationship work. If you truly need it (I admit that sometimes I just want it, I don't really need it), then you need to let him know that. My partner knows when it is really necessary and let's face it.....his compromise of giving me what I need puts me in a better frame of mind to give him what he wants and needs.

MasterSlaveLA -> RE: Is Dominance An Altered Language Of Affection? (3/11/2010 9:00:18 PM)
TWO ISSUES HERE... quote: ORIGINAL: beej Wood: if you give me attitude, i'll punish you. otherwise, we'll do it the same as usual (usual for us is fucking like cave people) beej: i wouldn't be in a bad mood toward you just in general. wouldn't you try to act comforting? Wood: no. i'll fuck you how i see fit. beej: say what? you're going to punish me with rough sex for not being cheerful? 1) He said nothing about "punishment"... he said he "fuck" you as he "sees fit". That has ZIPPO to do with punishing you for "not being cheerful". That's simply YOUR interpretation of what he'd stated. What he's actually saying is, "Be in a bad mood all you want... but if/when I feel like fucking you, I'm going to; irrespective of your mood, as that has nothing to do with whether my dick gets hard or not." I don't know if y'all are involved in a Master/slave or Dom/sub dynamic, but if the former, then expect your Master to use you as he sees fit. This does NOT mean he wouldn't talk to you about what's bugging you, just that if he's horny, you're getting fucked; no matter what. 2) And then there's this... quote: beej: seems like it doesn't matter what i think or feel. but i guess if i don't like your way, i can leave. Wood: leave? as in, for good? what, are you unhappy in our relationship? beej: [pissy] Wood: i hope you feel the same as me, but honestly, do you see this lasting or is quitting your back up plan? Huge red flag!!! if someone said that to me (i.e., interjected "leaving"), I'd IMMEDIATELY begin questioning a future with that person. Period. That's little more than a passive-aggressive veiled threat... and something you NEVER should have said, ESPECIALLY given what you'd written below: quote: i hear from him several times a day even if it's just to say, "i don't have anything to say; i just want to know what you're doing." he comments on my blog. he's meeting my friends and charming their asses off. he wants more of my time and is bending his schedule to get it since we live at few hours apart. these are the signs of someone who cares... Yes, they are... and how did you reward him? By tossing out that you "can leave". Way to go!!! The truth is, YOU ASKED THE WRONG QUESTION. What you should have asked was, "If I'm in a bad mood or upset about something, can I talk to you about it and seek your comfort?" You'd have gotten a much different response, I think. Try it. [:)]

WyldHrt -> RE: Is Dominance An Altered Language Of Affection? (3/11/2010 9:37:39 PM)
Gotta go with MSLA here. It seems that there was a disconnect right around here: quote: Wood: if you give me attitude, i'll punish you. otherwise, we'll do it the same as usual (usual for us is fucking like cave people) beej: i wouldn't be in a bad mood toward you just in general. wouldn't you try to act comforting? Wood: no. i'll fuck you how i see fit. beej: say what? you're going to punish me with rough sex for not being cheerful? where the OP thought that rough sex was the punishment. I also agree that the leaving thing sounded passive aggressive, and probably didn't help what looks like an error in communication to me. quote: What you should have asked was, "If I'm in a bad mood or upset about something, can I talk to you about it and seek your comfort?" This wins MSLA the hat trick [:D]

aldompdx -> RE: Is Dominance An Altered Language Of Affection? (3/11/2010 10:41:12 PM)
quote: Is Dominance An Altered Language Of Affection? Dominance is a direct language of narcissism.

jujubeeMB -> RE: Is Dominance An Altered Language Of Affection? (3/12/2010 12:20:02 AM)
I'm seeing this way differently from several of the posters so far. From where I'm sitting, there are about ten red flags going on. Red flag #1: she's having a concern - something that she needs that she's not getting - and his response is "if you give me attitude, I'll punish you. otherwise we'll do it the same as usual." Quoi? The disconnect is severe. He's not trying to find out what's going on with her emotionally, he's not taking her words "wouldn't you try to comfort me" as a need of hers, and he's just going ahead as usual because "that's what we do." What we do? I's what he does and he's not taking her into account at all. OP, wanting someone's time and charming their friends does not equal caring. Having no response to your freaking out a bit the first time you fucked and also to your basic everyday complaints about life events does not equal caring. Care and comfort is a huge thing to give up, and that is exactly what you're doing, unless you talk to him and explain that this is something you need. It has nothing to do with being Dominant. If you talk to him very seriously about it, you'll find out very fast if he takes you seriously. And if he's ever going to take your needs seriously. Sorry for all the ire, but the whole "he's the Dom so her needs are secondary" attitude really, really bothers me. Yes, she's submitting to him and to his needs and blah blah blah... she's still in the relationship, and just because something isn't interesting to a Dom doesn't mean he should ignore it completely when it means a lot to his sub. Fantasize and kink it up all you want: subs are still people, and every person has the right to expect a certain degree of fulfillment of their basic needs in a relationship.

aldompdx -> RE: Is Dominance An Altered Language Of Affection? (3/12/2010 1:16:06 AM)
And to echo the sentiments of some other respondents... Surrender is by ongoing free choice from self will. The tenets of SSC / RACK / SSICK mandate continuous ongoing consent. Withdraw your consent, and you reset or move your limit. It is WRONG for your partner to violate a reset or changed limit, against your voluntary consent. Express your safeword. If that is violated, then you are being abused against your will. Call the police and execute a typically mandatory arrest of the abuser. Control is not over another, but over one's self. Self control inspires in one's partner a greater degree of sharing. Abuse merely demonstrates a lack of self control and a basic desire for self abandonment.

crazyml -> RE: Is Dominance An Altered Language Of Affection? (3/12/2010 1:49:12 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MasterSlaveLA [Snip] quote: beej: seems like it doesn't matter what i think or feel. but i guess if i don't like your way, i can leave. Wood: leave? as in, for good? what, are you unhappy in our relationship? beej: [pissy] Wood: i hope you feel the same as me, but honestly, do you see this lasting or is quitting your back up plan? Huge red flag!!! if someone said that to me (i.e., interjected "leaving"), I'd IMMEDIATELY begin questioning a future with that person. Period. That's little more than a passive-aggressive veiled threat... and something you NEVER should have said, ESPECIALLY given what you'd written below: Yes, if someone said that to me my gut reaction would be same as MasterSlaveLA's here. Then I'd wonder if you were trying to pick a fight, and then that would make me slightly pissed that you didn't tell me what was actually on your mind (Doms can over analyse too!). quote: quote: i hear from him several times a day even if it's just to say, "i don't have anything to say; i just want to know what you're doing." he comments on my blog. he's meeting my friends and charming their asses off. he wants more of my time and is bending his schedule to get it since we live at few hours apart. these are the signs of someone who cares... Yes, they are... and how did you reward him? By tossing out that you "can leave". Way to go!!! The truth is, YOU ASKED THE WRONG QUESTION. What you should have asked was, "If I'm in a bad mood or upset about something, can I talk to you about it and seek your comfort?" You'd have gotten a much different response, I think. Try it. [:)] While I'm not sure the caps are required (I always interpret it as shouting), I think this is rock-solid advice. OP - On reading your post, the other responses and your replies my ill-informed view is this - Firstly, sounds like you have something pretty groovy going on with this guy. Secondly I get the impression that if you follow MasterSlaveLA's advice he'll likely say "Oh hell yes, if you need a hug I'll be there" - now if he doesn't then yep, you have a potential challenge - If you need that level of reassurance/support once in a while (and there's absolutely nothing wrong with needing it btw), and your partner can't or wont provide it then you need to work out how important it is to you.. Good luck!

allthatjaz -> RE: Is Dominance An Altered Language Of Affection? (3/12/2010 2:15:45 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: jujubeeMB I'm seeing this way differently from several of the posters so far. From where I'm sitting, there are about ten red flags going on. Red flag #1: she's having a concern - something that she needs that she's not getting - and his response is "if you give me attitude, I'll punish you. otherwise we'll do it the same as usual." Quoi? The disconnect is severe. He's not trying to find out what's going on with her emotionally, he's not taking her words "wouldn't you try to comfort me" as a need of hers, and he's just going ahead as usual because "that's what we do." What we do? I's what he does and he's not taking her into account at all. OP, wanting someone's time and charming their friends does not equal caring. Having no response to your freaking out a bit the first time you fucked and also to your basic everyday complaints about life events does not equal caring. Care and comfort is a huge thing to give up, and that is exactly what you're doing, unless you talk to him and explain that this is something you need. It has nothing to do with being Dominant. If you talk to him very seriously about it, you'll find out very fast if he takes you seriously. And if he's ever going to take your needs seriously. Sorry for all the ire, but the whole "he's the Dom so her needs are secondary" attitude really, really bothers me. Yes, she's submitting to him and to his needs and blah blah blah... she's still in the relationship, and just because something isn't interesting to a Dom doesn't mean he should ignore it completely when it means a lot to his sub. Fantasize and kink it up all you want: subs are still people, and every person has the right to expect a certain degree of fulfillment of their basic needs in a relationship. Listen to jujubeeMB because this is sound advice. You have a relationship with this guy and I am guessing that your threat of leaving was because you needed a reaction? you needed to know how much he cared. When I first got together with S I was terrified of letting go of my emotions. I wasn't quite sure how he felt and it was an incredibly vulnerable time. I thought seriously about leaving him simply because I knew I was falling for him big time but at all costs I refused to let myself get hurt by taking a chance. I wanted to let go and tell him that he rocked my world but I needed him to meet me half way with that and express how he was feeling. Like me, your a switch and the beauty of this is, you can meet on middle ground and communicate the way you both need to. He may well be holding back because he's not sure about how you feel.

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