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RE: Is Dominance An Altered Language Of Affection? - 3/12/2010 7:39:55 PM   
MasterSlaveLA


Posts: 3991
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

MSLA you missed a later post of the op. In that later post she stated that the first time they had sex, she freaked out afterward and he gave her zero aftercare, just rolled over and went to sleep.



I just read said "later" post and am not reading that he "gave her zero aftercare" or "just rolled over and went to sleep".  What I read below is the exact OPPOSITE, in that he (a) asked how she was doing, and (b) hugged/cuddled her while falling asleep.  That seems pretty darn attentive, reassuring, and loving; yes/no??? <scratching head>

quote:

ORIGINAL: beej
i remember after the first time he fucked me, i kind of freaked out because it was like, "whoa." i wouldn't look at him or anything. so he asked me, "how are you feeling?" i tried to wiggle out of saying "whoa". i don't even remember what i said. he didn't start in with, "it's okay; we're in this together." he hugged up on me and went to sleep. i didn't know what to make of that at the time; i was too deep in my freak out. but maybe that was supposed to be reassuring or at least a statement of fact: we are literally in this together.




_____________________________

It's only kinky the first time!!!

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Is Dominance An Altered Language Of Affection? - 3/13/2010 7:46:13 AM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: beej
it would help me to know if i should, to a certain extent, expect him to speak an altered language of affection.


Have you ever read the book "Five Languages of Love"? It would be unreasonable to expect anyone to express love and affection in exactly the same way you express it or you want it expressed. It isn't a dominance thing it is a people thing. Not all dominants express love in exactly the same way and not all submissives express love in exactly the same way.

I do know that in my relationship, certain things that he does that I perceive as affection others would perceive as abuse. It doesn't make him a bad person; it just means that other people are not compatible with him. I love him for who he is as a person and not for what he does for me. What I need from him is for him to be true to who he is and not change his behavior to suit my whims. He has complete authority in my life and that means he will fuck me however and whenever he sees fit. He will also cuddle and hold me when he wants to. Most days I would rather he fuck me than cuddle me, but he is the one who decides.

However there is no coddling in this house. Appropriate behavior is always expected no matter what time of the month or what mood Alandra and I are in. If we are in a bad mood and he considers it unreasonable, then we are told to fix it. He doesn't entertain drama or emotions that are not valid. Just because we have an emotion does not give us any right to inflict the expression of that emotion on to anyone else. His way of showing that he cares is by not allowing us to get bogged down in unnecessary emotional crap and by making us get out of it before it starts having a negative impact on our life. Most people wouldn't appreciate that brand of affection, but I know that I do and I wouldn't tolerate anyone who coddled me.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to beej)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Is Dominance An Altered Language Of Affection? - 3/13/2010 8:33:42 AM   
lucylucy


Posts: 612
Joined: 3/1/2009
Status: offline 		I just wrote a really long response after reading only the first page of this thread, then realized there was a second page, then realized that MasterSlaveLA said everything I was thinking . . .

I second everything MasterSlaveLA said.

< Message edited by lucylucy -- 3/13/2010 8:34:30 AM >

_____________________________

“There are those who give with joy, & that joy is their reward.” Gibran / "Those who are willing to be vulnerable move among mysteries." Roethke / "Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel & kiss the ground." Rumi

(in reply to Smutmonger)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Is Dominance An Altered Language Of Affection? - 3/13/2010 8:38:30 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		No, dominance is not an altered language of love. Nor should you attempt to reinterpret anything he said into some sort of fantasy of what you wish he said, Were I you, I would validate what you think you heard in his responses, then decide whether that view of the relationship works for you or not.

There is not "right perspective" here. There is no official BDSM viewpoint. There is only you two. So go ahead and check your work by asking any questions necessary then make your decisions based on hard facts, not some sort of fantasy in your head about what you "reinterpreted" his statements into.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to beej)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Is Dominance An Altered Language Of Affection? - 3/13/2010 11:51:24 AM   
beej


Posts: 145
Joined: 1/24/2010
Status: offline
quote:

Have you ever read the book "Five Languages of Love"?


lol, since it was recommended twice in this thread, i will be reading it very soon. :) i would like to thank everyone for debunking the myth that there is a BDSM party line on this. i get that i'm not supposed to put up with things because Wood is the dominant. i may put up with things because Wood is Wood and i want him, but that's a different negotiable matter. thought i'd update you all on what happened because it's nice when people rise to the occasion, and in this case, i think we both did.

yesterday, Wood actually had a really bad day. some of his things were stolen. interestingly, he didn't volunteer or vent that information to me. i asked him a question about something else, and he said that he couldn't talk right then because he was dealing with his stolen stuff. i left him with my sympathy, and he said thanks. i sent him a few text msgs during the day to check how it was going, and though he always filled me in immediately, he didn't complain or like, solicit my comfort, and in turn, i tried not to bug him because he was busy obviously. then late last night, i heard from him as usual: "hey baby. how was your day?" i asked if he'd gotten things sorted, and he said that he had, as best as he could. i said that if i were there, i would rub his poor head since he'd surely had a hard time of it, and he said thanks that he'd really appreciate that. i liked that he responded well to the idea of non-sexual comfort between us, and it was a good time to crack him about my hypothetical question from before, but i didn't because, you know, way to be self-centered, beej. but he wanted me to talk about my good day because he didn't want to dwell on his bad day or complain to me about it! that's not how i do things, but i can respect that he doesn't stop the world for his bad moods and thus it doesn't occur to him to stop the world for mine either. that's how his affection is different from mine; i stop the world for my loved ones. i kind of marveled at his way and appreciated it, so then i brought up something that i needed reassurance about, a writing project that i was considering (as opposed to asking what he would do if i needed reassurance, lol. learning from my mistakes). he asked what it was about and whether he could read it. i said that i wasn't sure if it was any good; i was going to plot it out the next day. then i specifically said i what i needed him to do: i asked if i could run it by him to see what he thinks (since it proposes to be about kink). "maybe i could run it by you as a bedtime story," i said. and he said, "sounds like a good plan to me."

i was content with that as an indicator of whether or not he would take on my nonsexual intimacies and needs, but then it got better today, peeps! again, we were talking about this weekend, and he brought up my hypothetical question:

Wood: were you upset when i said that i would still fuck you if you were in a bad mood?
beej: a little. i think i misinterpreted it. i thought that meant that you wouldn't address or listen to those kinds of personal issues from me.
Wood: i would listen but not in the middle of sex. nothing should interrupt us being together.
beej: well, if i were in a terrible mood, i would need to talk about it and get it out of my head. would you want me to warm you that i was in a terrible mood, or not come just then if we had plans?
Wood: i don't need a warning; i'll be able to tell in your body language. i'd still want you to come.
beej: i might bring the frustration into the sex though.
Wood: good. i want all sides of you.

and there you have it, success in our time. :) thank you all for your helpful insights. the dual perspectives in the thread really helped me to find the right path here and build a better kind of communication for the future.

(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Is Dominance An Altered Language Of Affection? - 3/13/2010 11:53:55 AM   
beej


Posts: 145
Joined: 1/24/2010
Status: offline 		ORIGINAL: kyraofMists
quote:

Most days I would rather he fuck me than cuddle me, but he is the one who decides.


lol, when you bring it up like that, i can't disagree.

(in reply to kyraofMists)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Is Dominance An Altered Language Of Affection? - 3/13/2010 12:30:38 PM   
Nslavu


Posts: 342
Joined: 2/1/2010
Status: offline 		I'm in bad mood now.

Some pretty diverse opinions, perceptions and or misconceptions. The human dynamic. If I were to guess based on my perception of your OP, I'd say you have denial issues and expression issues. If I ask somebody how they are and their response is "ah, ok" or the response to "What's wrong?" is "nothing"... I am going to take you at your word. Truth is valuable, if you aren't living it, your lie is going to rule... your problem.

On top of that if someone constantly replies with some pre-written social memo all the time, I am probably going to stop asking cuz I've heard the fuckin memo often enough to know they're full of shit and stuck in denial. Fuck em. You had your chance. I could care more but not to the point of sucking the fucking life out of me for a whole day digging through shadows and fucked up unenlightened memos.

Expecting anyone, master, dom, friend to have some Geiger counter to read your inner workings is a bit much, unless said person is very skillful in people reading and or has some telepathic ability and if they do they wouldn't to ask how you were feeling.

Express yourself or live the lie.
You break it, you fix it.


One more drop in the bucket.

(in reply to beej)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Is Dominance An Altered Language Of Affection? - 3/13/2010 12:34:13 PM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists


quote:

ORIGINAL: beej
it would help me to know if i should, to a certain extent, expect him to speak an altered language of affection.


Have you ever read the book "Five Languages of Love"? It would be unreasonable to expect anyone to express love and affection in exactly the same way you express it or you want it expressed. It isn't a dominance thing it is a people thing. Not all dominants express love in exactly the same way and not all submissives express love in exactly the same way.

I do know that in my relationship, certain things that he does that I perceive as affection others would perceive as abuse. It doesn't make him a bad person; it just means that other people are not compatible with him. I love him for who he is as a person and not for what he does for me. What I need from him is for him to be true to who he is and not change his behavior to suit my whims. He has complete authority in my life and that means he will fuck me however and whenever he sees fit. He will also cuddle and hold me when he wants to. Most days I would rather he fuck me than cuddle me, but he is the one who decides.

However there is no coddling in this house. Appropriate behavior is always expected no matter what time of the month or what mood Alandra and I are in. If we are in a bad mood and he considers it unreasonable, then we are told to fix it. He doesn't entertain drama or emotions that are not valid. Just because we have an emotion does not give us any right to inflict the expression of that emotion on to anyone else. His way of showing that he cares is by not allowing us to get bogged down in unnecessary emotional crap and by making us get out of it before it starts having a negative impact on our life. Most people wouldn't appreciate that brand of affection, but I know that I do and I wouldn't tolerate anyone who coddled me.

Knight's Kyra


this...!

sometimes its really difficult to remember that they are thinking things through the way they think things - different to youre thinking maybe, even youre way of doing things or responding to things.  because it doesnt always tally with youre way the temptation is to then question their thought process and feelings.

because they might translate a situation totally differently to you doesnt mean its the wrong translation, its just that its their translation.  handing youreself over, as we do as subs, to another persons approach is the difficult part of submission.

i constantly have to remind myself that there is a brain ticking away in His head that has its own agenda and processes, timings and plans that im just not privvy to.  there will be moments when youre going to think 'whoa!' - because theyll push you into areas youre brain, agenda, processes, timings and plans just havent gone to.

personally i think its 'kinder' to prepare someone for something new and alarming and to take the trouble to make sure they came out the other end of it reasonably unscathed - but this is youre dynamic and you have to decide if this works for you.



_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to kyraofMists)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Is Dominance An Altered Language Of Affection? - 3/13/2010 4:15:27 PM   
slo18


Posts: 125
Status: offline 		what i am wondering is why you didnt just say say. i am having a bad day i am in a foul mood, i would really like it if you would comfort me and let me talk about what has me upset and commiserate with me. ? my own husband who is a wonderful caring and sometimes over worried about my mood , is constantly asking if i am ok, whats wrong can i do something to make it better, yes sometimes even a man who is that considerate misses the que's and needs to be told i am in a bad mood i would really like it if you just held me. and it does just seem like this was a miscommunication. you did not communicate your need well, and he didnt as for more information to clear it up. witch in turn lead to more miscommunication and some hurt feelings. this is common. and something that i have never seen anyone be perfect at all the time.

_____________________________

if god and the adorer call, tell them my prophet shall call their prophet, for I am in meetings verily till the end of time.

(in reply to allthatjaz)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Is Dominance An Altered Language Of Affection? - 3/13/2010 8:20:24 PM   
Andalusite


Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline 		I'm glad the two of you were able to sort things out! It sounds like it will be a lot easier for you next time something comes up to communicate clearly about it.

(in reply to slo18)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Is Dominance An Altered Language Of Affection? - 3/13/2010 9:05:29 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: beej

and there you have it, success in our time. :) thank you all for your helpful insights. the dual perspectives in the thread really helped me to find the right path here and build a better kind of communication for the future.


I'm glad that you have worked things out. Obviously, communication is the key to any successful relationship, but what you need to remember is that each relationship is different. The way you communicate will not be the same with every single person.

As time goes on and you get to know each other better, it will become much easier.

(in reply to beej)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Is Dominance An Altered Language Of Affection? - 3/13/2010 10:15:41 PM   
lucylucy


Posts: 612
Joined: 3/1/2009
Status: offline 		It's kind of cool that he had an opportunity through his own bad day to demonstrate for you how he wants you to deal with your own bad days. Too bad it involved his stuff being stolen.

Glad you were finally able to communicate with him about this. Good luck.

_____________________________

“There are those who give with joy, & that joy is their reward.” Gibran / "Those who are willing to be vulnerable move among mysteries." Roethke / "Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel & kiss the ground." Rumi

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Is Dominance An Altered Language Of Affection? - 3/13/2010 10:27:35 PM   
MasterSlaveLA


Posts: 3991
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lucylucy

Glad you were finally able to communicate with him about this.



Not me... I was hoping for FAR more drama!!!  (kiiiiiiiiiiidding... I'm kidding, dammit!)



_____________________________

It's only kinky the first time!!!

(in reply to lucylucy)
Profile   Post #: 53
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