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RE: Intimacy versus D/s - 3/13/2010 10:22:13 PM

seekingOwnertoo

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Darling Savage ... my sentiments .. exactly!

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RE: Intimacy versus D/s - 3/13/2010 10:31:40 PM

Rochsub2009

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

Like LA, I would never be able to deal with the long distance thing. Many people are perfectly willing, happy and even anxious to relocate when they find someone and that works for them. Obviously, Rochsub is able to deal with the long distance and having the D/s in his relationship is very important to him.

LafayetteLady,
Actually, i am really NOT into long distance relationships. In fact, in my profile i specifically state that i am looking for local real-time interaction only. My preference is to see my partner as often as possible (daily is ideal).

But i have learned never to say "never". The Domme that i am currently getting to know is so outstanding that She made me violate my own rule. From the very first conversation, W/we just clicked. With each interaction, i grow more impressed by Her. Because of this, i decided that She is worth the work.

It's amazing how distance and other obstacles seem much less daunting when the prize is worth the effort.

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RE: Intimacy versus D/s - 3/13/2010 11:08:39 PM

LafayetteLady

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009

LafayetteLady,
Actually, i am really NOT into long distance relationships. In fact, in my profile i specifically state that i am looking for local real-time interaction only. My preference is to see my partner as often as possible (daily is ideal).

But i have learned never to say "never". The Domme that i am currently getting to know is so outstanding that She made me violate my own rule. From the very first conversation, W/we just clicked. With each interaction, i grow more impressed by Her. Because of this, i decided that She is worth the work.

It's amazing how distance and other obstacles seem much less daunting when the prize is worth the effort.

Yes it is amazing how nothing seems insurmountable for that "right" person. I truly hope that this budding relationship you are developing continues to grow to full bloom. From what I have seen of you here on the boards, it would be absolutely wonderful for you to find that happiness and fufillment with a special lady.

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RE: Intimacy versus D/s - 3/14/2010 8:03:48 AM

Rochsub2009

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

Yes it is amazing how nothing seems insurmountable for that "right" person. I truly hope that this budding relationship you are developing continues to grow to full bloom. From what I have seen of you here on the boards, it would be absolutely wonderful for you to find that happiness and fufillment with a special lady.

Thanks LL.

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RE: Intimacy versus D/s - 3/14/2010 8:22:00 AM

dreamerdreaming

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Fast reply:

OP, its a false premise. You don't have to choose one or the other- it is possible to have both.

I have had perfectly yummy vanilla, but for an LTR I require both D/s, and someone who is closely compatible with me both in and out of the bedroom.

What do you require??

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RE: Intimacy versus D/s - 3/14/2010 9:02:20 AM

seekingOwnertoo

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quote:

ORIGINAL: dreamerdreaming

Fast reply:

OP, its a false premise. You don't have to choose one or the other- it is possible to have both.

I have had perfectly yummy vanilla, but for an LTR I require both D/s, and someone who is closely compatible with me both in and out of the bedroom.

What do you require??

You ask an interesting question. Yet frankly, i feel You summarized my thoughts, quite eloquently.

The trick and the sticking point is ... the "closely compatible" thing. There are times, it seems nearly impossible ... LOL ...

In spite of honest and sincere effort ... and really hard work.

< Message edited by seekingOwnertoo -- 3/14/2010 9:10:19 AM >

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RE: Intimacy versus D/s - 3/14/2010 9:20:05 AM

blmtrsne

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You find love when you encounter it. But walking in certain places might make you meet the right person. On the other hand you might stumble upon someone who happens to be in the same Starbucks or Mc Donalds. That's life.

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RE: Intimacy versus D/s - 3/14/2010 9:43:18 AM

LadyAngelika

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009

quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

Like LA, I would never be able to deal with the long distance thing. Many people are perfectly willing, happy and even anxious to relocate when they find someone and that works for them. Obviously, Rochsub is able to deal with the long distance and having the D/s in his relationship is very important to him.

LafayetteLady,
Actually, i am really NOT into long distance relationships. In fact, in my profile i specifically state that i am looking for local real-time interaction only. My preference is to see my partner as often as possible (daily is ideal).

But i have learned never to say "never". The Domme that i am currently getting to know is so outstanding that She made me violate my own rule. From the very first conversation, W/we just clicked. With each interaction, i grow more impressed by Her. Because of this, i decided that She is worth the work.

It's amazing how distance and other obstacles seem much less daunting when the prize is worth the effort.

Rochsub, despite what I said in my initial response, I also say never say never. That said, I think there are times in our lives that permit us to be more flexible than others. I also have met some for whom it was very tempting to violate my own rule, one in particular, but the rational part of me kicked in and I realised that I could not, not at this time of my life anyway.

I guess there is also a huge factor which is how long is the distance and how easily/regularly can you meet up with the person. Because no matter how much you talk with someone online, on the phone, etc, you aren't seeing that person interact with others, you aren't seeing them dealing with life's issues, you aren't seeing them in their day to day life. There is also the very likely possibility that you are also projecting a great deal of who you want that person to be on them. And that isn't out of any kind of ignorance but rather because at a distance, you have a whole bunch of missing information and you are filling in a lot of blanks. Mind you, this can happen in a face to face relationship too.

Perhaps some people are able to have a long distance relationship without falling into the traps that I did. So far, in talking with my friends who have been involved in them, they all seem to have.

In any case, Rochsub, you are a gem and I do hope it works out for you.

- LA

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RE: Intimacy versus D/s - 3/14/2010 9:58:24 AM

LadyAngelika

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarlingSavage

quote:

Being single isn't that bad

Having been single for 10 fucking goddam years, no, it's not that bad after the first year or so. Being single definitely has its advantages. There is no one to answer to. You can do what you want. But I don't like going to bed alone every night. I fucking hate it. I'm very picky. I only want to be with someone I'm attracted to. I know a lot of people put that down, but if I'm not attracted to the person, then I have no interest in them. I don't know why that is, it just is for me. Is that wrong? Maybe, but all I know is that that is just the way I'm wired. I can't help it.

DarlingSavage, I have not been single for ten years, but rather a little over a year. This might have been the hardest re-adaptation of being single for me in my life as I really thought the last one was the one.

When I say it isn't that bad, I'm not necessarily saying that it is good. Yes waking up alone in the morning sometimes sucks. But then I remind myself of sometimes waking up in the morning with someone I wasn't completely in synch with and how that could drive me batty. I've developed a rhythm in my life, my rhythm and I need someone who has a similar life rhythm. With my last partner, it was in synch. We both lounged a bit on weekend mornings but when we decided it was time to go, we sprung into action mode. It was perfect. I can't deal with those who wake up in action mode or those who never get into gear.

As far as being picky, oh gosh, I totally get that. The last guy I dated was so much the ideal man for me in my eyes and sometimes I'm furious with him for having put the bar so high. But even if I have to be single for another year, I will not lower that bar.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009

i go back and forth between vanilla and D/s relationships. But i have a definite preference for a female-led D/s relationship. recently, i have been wrestling with the same question that you just presented.

i was in a relationship with a wonderful vanilla lady. Unfortunately, no matter how i tried, i couldn't get past the fact that what i really desire is D/s. i tried to be happy in the vanilla relationship. i really did. But i just couldn't shake the empty feeling. It was like i was pretending to be something that i wasn't, and i knew that i could never be happy, no matter how much i pretended.

So i broke up with the vanilla lady. Despite all of her wonderful vanilla qualities.

There is a perfect example of picky. With the last relationship, he was vanilla, however our relationship quickly fell into a lovely female-led dynamic. It was missing the S&M parts. That part I know I can live without and I just need to be with someone who is open minded sexually.

But I know that I could not be in a relationship that was led by a man. I've tried and I just internally rebel against them. I do not necessarily date men who are "pussy whipped", not at all. I always said I wasn't looking for a yes man. I think it's hard sometimes to articulate exactly what I want but I've had it and I know how it feels. And I won't settle for anything less than that dynamic. That said, I have a hard time seeing how I can develop that dynamic at a distance.

- LA

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RE: Intimacy versus D/s - 3/14/2010 2:40:55 PM

LadyPact

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I've tried posting this a couple of times and it didn't seem to stick. I do not post well in top space, so please bare with Me.

In regard to your question, there are two types of folks involved in kink. Those who do not do well in a relationship without it***** and those who can walk away from all of it***** and be just fine if they are in a fulfilling relationship with the person that they love.

Personally, I am of the latter variety. I met and married My husband in a very vanilla way. We were content being monogamous. To this day, it is My contention that, if we found that returning to that was best for us and our marriage, that is exactly what we would do. He is more important to Me than all of this.

At the same time, I know it isn't that way for everybody. Some of the most heart wrenching posts around here come from folks who are truly unhappy because they are kinky, but they married a vanilla spouse. For the life of them, they struggle because it***** isn't in their lives and they are miserable. Whatever they want about all of this eats away at them. In short, they become obsessed and that obsession is with them every waking moment of every day because they didn't realize which of the two groups they really belonged to before making a life for themselves and someone else.

In My opinion, what you really need to do is turn the question around back at yourself. Can you walk away from whatever this is, and not want it because you have this person in your life? How important is it to you compared to whatever it is that you have with them? That's where your answer lies. It's not going to come from Me, or from these boards, or from anywhere else. It has to come from you.

**** it being kink, authority dynamics, topping, bottoming, sadism, masochism, or put whatever term you relate to kink <here>.

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RE: Intimacy versus D/s - 3/14/2010 7:27:09 PM

Rochsub2009

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika

I guess there is also a huge factor which is how long is the distance and how easily/regularly can you meet up with the person. Because no matter how much you talk with someone online, on the phone, etc, you aren't seeing that person interact with others, you aren't seeing them dealing with life's issues, you aren't seeing them in their day to day life.

i agree with you completely. The distance definitely matters. She is long distance, but not prohibitively so. It is drivable. Moreover, She happens to live in the same city as my brother and first cousin. So i visit there regularly anyway. But it is still not the same as being in the same town.

Perhaps in 3 months or 6 months or a year, i will report that the relationship failed. But i am willing to take that chance. Life is short, and i am a "go for it" kind of guy.

If it fails, what will i have lost? i am getting to know a wonderful dominant woman. i think that is a win regardless of how the story ultimately ends.

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RE: Intimacy versus D/s - 3/14/2010 7:45:07 PM

LadyAngelika

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Rochsub, you will have lost nothing. Everything we go through is a learning experience. If she is within driving distance and you have a car and time to go there, then you have some things going for you, for sure.

I hope that you report that it was a success. I know from interacting with you on the boards and on the other side that you are an exceptional man who is serious about his desire to submit. I wish only the best for you. And she must be a very lucky woman. ;-)

- LA

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RE: Intimacy versus D/s - 3/14/2010 8:45:56 PM

peppermint

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quote:

ORIGINAL: seekingOwnertoo

peppermint ...

Great insight ... and my gut tends to agree ... although ... Hell ... i would hate to be laying in bed .. a year later ... and think about the time a Lady was tying me down ....

Just a thought ...

But thanks for sharing

Well, he gets more sex than he ever had in his whole life. So laying in bed I'm sure he thinks that he's in seventh heaven. They boat together. They fish together. They hunt together. They take motor cycle trips together. They take cruises together. These are all activities they loved to do even before they met. He's so busy and happy he has no time for regrets.

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RE: Intimacy versus D/s - 3/14/2010 9:49:58 PM

Rochsub2009

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika

I know from interacting with you on the boards and on the other side that you are an exceptional man who is serious about his desire to submit. I wish only the best for you. And she must be a very lucky woman. ;-)

Thanks Ma'am. i appreciate that. And You know that i have similar admiration for You.

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RE: Intimacy versus D/s - 3/18/2010 1:46:44 PM

DesFIP

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The only person who can answer that is you. If you need a d/s relationship to be happy then no matter how compatible you are in other ways this will always be a wall between you.

If you don't need it, but would just like some occasional kinky sex, you might be satisfied with porn and masturbation. Only you can decide.

However I would be sure that she understands what you mean by d/s. She may just be assuming she has to wear thigh high boots and carry a crop all the time while sneering at you. She may not understand.

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RE: Intimacy versus D/s - 3/18/2010 9:12:36 PM

BeMyProperty

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Many try vanilla. They may like it for a while, but most come back to D/s. It depends on HOW vanilla. If she is a little kinky, many guys can deal with that. Guys usually can't deal with the girl who is so vanilla that they cannot even begin to talk about their "milder" fetishes (let alone other ones).

Long distance sucks, but a good percentage of those in BDSM seem willing to visit and relocate. Better if you're willing to.

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RE: Intimacy versus D/s - 3/21/2010 4:01:11 PM

MistressBreeze

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I had a lot of time to think about this very question in my life. I think that I'd prefer to have love/intimacy and the connection/compatibility with someone as being more important than the D/s. Although it would be wonderful to have both. I could give up D/s if I had to choose one or the other, but I think that I wouldn't be happy in a relationship where I was being told what to do or had to compromise a lot or if the guy was a macho type.

If the guy had a "submissive" personality like being a pleaser, easy going, and nice but not into bdsm kinks then I can see how I might be ok with that. He'd still want to please me and make me happy.

Versus

If I found a guy that was interested in all the bdsm kinks I'm interested in but he didn't like or care about me, if he wasn't affectionate and if there's no connection...then this guy is definitely just a sub or slave and very disposable. As soon as I find someone with a better connection he would be history.

Having both would be awesome though. I think it just takes a bit of time to find and I'm patient. Not in any rush.

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