RE: Newbie Questions

RE: Newbie Questions (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion

Message

Focus50 -> RE: Newbie Questions (3/14/2010 4:19:09 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: teacher21deq Good Evening All, I am learning about BDSM and myself as a submissive woman....I have a few questions and am hoping someone can give me some useful advice... At this time, I am corresponding with someone via email, Yahoo IM, and phone....he seems perfect for me in many ways...and I hope he will eventually be my Master... He already refers to me as slave, but says I must earn the right to call him Master...i thought the two were connected....am I wrong? Also, i listed on my profile (at his request and with great pleasure!) that we were corresponding and he was training me, but he says he will list nothing about me on his....is this the usual? As a Master/Slave relationship develops, should I expect some rights...are all of the rights his? I hope I am asking these questions in the proper manner and with clarity.... Any advice would be appreciated! I think he's a walkin'/talkin' red flag.... Any fool knows that for any relationship dynamic (not just the BDSM variety) to have a chance, it needs to build on a foundation of TRUST. Anyone except him, apparently.... I hafta wonder just what it is he presumes to teach (train) you when he holds you to standards he's unwilling or unable to hold himself to. Sure, a D/s relationship has an unequal control dynamic where the submissive defers to the Dom/me's will and choices etc. But you're not there yet; you're still building the foundations of trust where he demonstrates his standards, principles and sense of justice etc. And unfortunately (for you), he's doing exactly that.... Focus.

wisdomtogive -> RE: Newbie Questions (3/14/2010 6:20:51 AM)
Hello teacher I saw on your profile that you are in your early 40's. Please don't throw out your common sense because you are on a BDSM site, though it is good to see you are thinking and asking good questions. If this guy was vanilla, would you swallow everything he said as truth in such a short time? This dom you have is giving out a lot of red flags and probably feels he can because, as you stated on your profile, you are new. Use your common sense and don't be in a hurry to get owned right away. It has been suggestioned by many that you research and study bdsm, d/s and m/s and I too highly recommend it. I am not sure what you are truly looking for, and how you will bring that in as a factor with your 'vanilla' relationship, but i do think perhaps some time reflecting on these questions might help you. This is a new world and I too entered it at a later age, in my 50's, so tread lightly, and keep your common sense. With all that said, again I want to say good job on asking important questions. wisdom

GraciousLady -> RE: Newbie Questions (3/14/2010 9:20:38 AM)
Lets all just back up a little here. The OP freely admits to being in a vanilla relationship. She comes here and, after a very short time (days), has hooked up with a man is cyber space and is looking to have some sort of relationship with him. She also says she has no expierence in this lifestyle. Am I the only one who sees mass confusion, lots of lieing and sneeking, drama and a mess bearing down on this womans life like a freight train?

SimplySubmissive -> RE: Newbie Questions (3/14/2010 9:54:24 AM)
If you were dating someone and told your friends and family about him, at his request, yet he told no one he was seeing you..what would you think? It's very important to remember that though the dynamic is different, and the labels different, the same common sense applies! Good luck, and welcome!

CaringandReal -> RE: Newbie Questions (3/14/2010 11:59:08 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: teacher21deq Good Evening All, I am learning about BDSM and myself as a submissive woman....I have a few questions and am hoping someone can give me some useful advice... At this time, I am corresponding with someone via email, Yahoo IM, and phone....he seems perfect for me in many ways...and I hope he will eventually be my Master... He already refers to me as slave, but says I must earn the right to call him Master...i thought the two were connected....am I wrong? Also, i listed on my profile (at his request and with great pleasure!) that we were corresponding and he was training me, but he says he will list nothing about me on his....is this the usual? As a Master/Slave relationship develops, should I expect some rights...are all of the rights his? I hope I am asking these questions in the proper manner and with clarity.... Any advice would be appreciated! Sure, master and slave are connected, but logic's not the point here. The point in a master/slave relationship, from my perspective, is to learn to obey your master however irrational or unfair you think the commands are. This looks like standard training to me, nothing to be worried about at this point... Except maybe your attitude--and by this I don't mean your attitude is "bad", I mean it may be telling you something: keep watching it closely, as you clearly have been. It may mean you're not ready for or desiring of a master/slave relationship, which is fine, you do experimenting like this so you can find out what you like and dislike, and if your are lucky, find out what you need. If feelings of resentment or thoughts of "where does he get off, having me do this but not doing it himself?" get to be too much, discuss it with the dominant. The way he handles this will give you additional useful info. about him. The two examples you gave illustrate him establishing an unequal relationship between the two of you. Does that bother you? And why do you equate these two things with "all rights?" They're just two prefereneces of his. In a full master/slave relationship, you have whatever rights the master gives you; no more, no less. At an early stage in a relationship, as this seems to be, these things aren't that cut and dried, however. If I were you I'd ask him for the "right" to communicate with him when things bother you or you feel lost. :) I want to add something else. Not to make you self-conscious or anything, but another common purpose of such actions is to feel a potential slave out, find the places where she's still got invested ego, find out where she's likely to balk, that sort of thing. It doesn't mean he's going to do anything about these things (that depends on his goals for you and for the relationship, which none of us are privy to) but it usually means he wants to know where the sensitive or potential trouble spots lie. These spots are different from person to person, but the things you've described, are typical of standard ego/pride insults designed to probe where your ego investments are: the things things you hang onto, the things you insist are "yours," or "your rights." As smutmonger said, dominance is an investment. Mastery is even more so, and intelligent capable doms and master who have been burned in the past by submissive pride or hysteria/drama masking the pride, are careful. A person such as that wants to know the psychological makeup of the potential slave, both because that ultimately gives him more control over her and because it tells him, in the early stages, whether the investment is worth it, whether the work he puts into this slave will bear fruit, or whether she'll just jump off the wagon when things get "a bit hard." The worst thing you could do at this juncture would be to turn to deception, i.e. try to give him the response you think is best, or that he expects or that you think "passes the test." Your responsibility here is to respond naturally, show him honestly where you have difficulties with things he does or does not do, and let him decide what to do about it.

alittleevil -> RE: Newbie Questions (3/14/2010 12:13:39 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: teacher21deq Good Evening All, I am learning about BDSM and myself as a submissive woman....I have a few questions and am hoping someone can give me some useful advice... At this time, I am corresponding with someone via email, Yahoo IM, and phone....he seems perfect for me in many ways...and I hope he will eventually be my Master... He already refers to me as slave, but says I must earn the right to call him Master...i thought the two were connected....am I wrong? Also, i listed on my profile (at his request and with great pleasure!) that we were corresponding and he was training me, but he says he will list nothing about me on his....is this the usual? As a Master/Slave relationship develops, should I expect some rights...are all of the rights his? I hope I am asking these questions in the proper manner and with clarity.... Any advice would be appreciated! Hello, First, my take on the specific questions: Even though in my world "slave" means something very specific, people do this all sorts of ways and with all sorts of words. I mean, he can call you anything he likes and disallow you to call him anything he wants to, he's the one in charge, yes? On the one hand, without knowing anything at all about the man, i have to agree that this kind of thing can reek of posturing. On the other hand, if you are a slave subtype of submissive person, then it might be quite reasonable for a man to call you that yet not be quite ready for you to be his slave, i.e. call him Master. So, do you know what he means when he calls you "slave?" As far as the profile thing goes, i join UniqueRaven in being one who never paid much mind as to whether Master publicly declared me. What he does with his profile is his own business--not mine. I'm afraid this comes down, again, to something that is either quite reasonable given the nature of the dynamic or as something that could be the bright red flag of poser-, userdom (pun entirely intended). Rights...well, i am among those who embrace a rather specific, absolute version of being enslaved. I exercise what rights Master allows me to. No problem, here. Unless Master were clueless, or a sociopath, or a user, or or or...you see what i'm getting at? Yes, the type of relationship dynamic that we call M/s turns many of the usual things on their heads and we like it that way. BUT, the fundamental stuff of getting to know the persons you're involved with and having basic compatibility and using your own good sense to determine what is good and right for you is no different than with someone you meet at the grocer's. Everything thing you ask about fits very neatly and naturally into the way my life is structured, and that is exactly what i sought. BUT, everything you ask about also has the potential to be the signs of a man who has learned a few catch-phrases and tricks to make the submissive heart and loins go pitty-pat but who, fundamentally, will have no more clue about to be the Master of a slave than that guy you chance-met at the store. Sooo....this: quote: Apocalypso: But my main advice to you would be don't commit to anything until you've met in real life. And don't let the excitment of discovering BDSM blind you to what should be common sense. and this: quote: MasterSlaveLA: Don't go gettin' all sub-frenzied out... till you MEET, it ain't real. What I mean is, it's easy to CONFUSE the person in your head with the actual person. This dynamic is no different from a vanilla (non-bdsm) dynamic... take time to TRULY get to know someone; it ain't REAL till you've actually met. Take your time. Be careful. Look before you leap. All that good stuff your mama taught you. My best to you, aj

Focus50 -> RE: Newbie Questions (3/14/2010 1:44:06 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: GraciousLady Am I the only one who sees mass confusion, lots of lieing and sneeking, drama and a mess bearing down on this womans life like a freight train? Errr..., no! My opening line: "I think he's a walkin'/talkin' red flag.... " Focus.

heartcream -> RE: Newbie Questions (3/14/2010 1:51:42 PM)
There is some really solid advice here. I hope the OP will take heed and save herself from the pending train wreck,

teacher21deq -> RE: Newbie Questions (3/14/2010 8:03:08 PM)
Thanks to all of you who replied....and thank you for the welcomes I received both on here and in my inbox!!! I do appreciate the advice, even though some of you seemed to think i wouldn't...lol I did something smart this morning...I actually shared this post and the comments and my concerns with my new "Sir"...and he cleared up a lot for me.... I don't necessarily agree with everything he said...I don't have to....he's the Dom....I also pulled a few more books from my stack to read... and he and I are setting up a real time meeting....which I think will take care of a lot of these online issues for me... so, I'm still using my head....and still learning...and still asking questions....and I hope everytime I have these kinds of questions...this board is just this useful to me... thanks to all!!!

GraciousLady -> RE: Newbie Questions (3/14/2010 8:49:10 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: teacher21deq Thanks to all of you who replied....and thank you for the welcomes I received both on here and in my inbox!!! I do appreciate the advice, even though some of you seemed to think i wouldn't...lol I did something smart this morning...I actually shared this post and the comments and my concerns with my new "Sir"...and he cleared up a lot for me.... I don't necessarily agree with everything he said...I don't have to....he's the Dom....I also pulled a few more books from my stack to read... and he and I are setting up a real time meeting....which I think will take care of a lot of these online issues for me... so, I'm still using my head....and still learning...and still asking questions....and I hope everytime I have these kinds of questions...this board is just this useful to me... thanks to all!!! Will you be honest with the vanilla person you are involved with about this? My reason is if you play with or have intimate relations with your potential Dom you will be putting the vanilla person at risk for certain disease processes even if you are cautious. Of course lieing is never good but that is apparently not an issue for you or your potential Dom.

Lockit -> RE: Newbie Questions (3/14/2010 9:03:55 PM)
I wish I didn't get it. After ten days or less, you are willing to say you don't have to agree with him, he is the dom and go by all he says? Okay... hunger, frenzy, need... but not being smart. I can't agree that you are using your head, but that is my opinion. Many players will meet in person, that means nothing. Will your husband be with you when you meet him or know about it/him? Will someone know where you are? I mean, he is the dom and you must obey, so if he wants to play... will you? You say you listened, but you didn't hear really, because to us, who have been here a long time and into this much longer than you, he raised red flags. You are going ahead and doing exactly what you started out doing, obeying a new master after knowing him for ten days or less. So why did you ask? lol

bliss4us09 -> RE: Newbie Questions (3/15/2010 12:26:39 PM)
Sounds like you're being naive, not smart. What did he say to convince you to meet him despite your earlier misgivings?

MasterSlaveLA -> RE: Newbie Questions (3/15/2010 1:52:05 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lockit I wish I didn't get it. After ten days or less, you are willing to say you don't have to agree with him, he is the dom and go by all he says? Okay... hunger, frenzy, need... but not being smart. I can't agree that you are using your head, but that is my opinion. Many players will meet in person, that means nothing. Will your husband be with you when you meet him or know about it/him? Will someone know where you are? I mean, he is the dom and you must obey, so if he wants to play... will you? You say you listened, but you didn't hear really, because to us, who have been here a long time and into this much longer than you, he raised red flags. You are going ahead and doing exactly what you started out doing, obeying a new master after knowing him for ten days or less. So why did you ask? lol [sm=agree.gif][sm=agree.gif][sm=agree.gif][sm=agree.gif][sm=agree.gif]

LafayetteLady -> RE: Newbie Questions (3/15/2010 5:10:47 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: teacher21deq Thanks to all of you who replied....and thank you for the welcomes I received both on here and in my inbox!!! I do appreciate the advice, even though some of you seemed to think i wouldn't...lol I did something smart this morning...I actually shared this post and the comments and my concerns with my new "Sir"...and he cleared up a lot for me.... I don't necessarily agree with everything he said...I don't have to....he's the Dom....I also pulled a few more books from my stack to read... and he and I are setting up a real time meeting....which I think will take care of a lot of these online issues for me... so, I'm still using my head....and still learning...and still asking questions....and I hope everytime I have these kinds of questions...this board is just this useful to me... thanks to all!!! You appreciate it, but it is obviously falling on deaf ears. You also haven't addressed the issue of your vanilla partner and whether or not you are deceiving him in favor of this new "dom." And honestly? What kind of advice do you think you are going to get from all of us the short way down the road, when this "dom" either ruins your primary relationship, injures you or does some other stupid thing? You are familiar, I assume with "I told you so?"

Nslavu -> RE: Newbie Questions (3/15/2010 6:09:29 PM)
Yahoo is Master. Yahoo is the only Master. ok, so it's the masturbater master

SimplyMichael -> RE: Newbie Questions (3/15/2010 9:09:05 PM)
I give this two months and she will be back here asking if it is normal for him to have disapeared and not talked to her or if it was okay that he posted the videos online. We should start a pool on CM where people can place bets on how long some of these "relationships" will last and rank posters by how close they guess the time and the particulars of the breakup. Would be interesting.

adx -> RE: Newbie Questions (3/15/2010 9:39:59 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MasterSlaveLA quote: ORIGINAL: WyldHrt quote: Most of it seems normal as for as im concerned if your his slave then its none of your business what he puts on his profile or has you place on yours its not your place to question then. If I instructed my girl not to call me master then id expect her to do that with out needing a reason just accepting my decision but we also exist in the real world not over the internet. and yes in a master slave relationship all the rights are his at least thats how I do it. Now if your not his slave that changes some things I suppose. Really? All that is normal for people who have known each other for 10 days or less and haven't even met? If you say so. [8\|][8\|][8\|] Ahhhh... to be 19 and naive again; how I miss those days. [/sarcasm] [;)] Its not being naive if it works. Its true that they haven't meet but then that means its all fantasy just an online game. Like a show they viddy to get off. My own girl told that some take online seriously though I couldn't believe someone wanted my permission to talk to her online she told me and I had a nice little chuckle over that. To each his own I suppose if it works for some veck let him have it. I did say that mine was real world and said that if she was not his slave then it changes things. If she is though then as far as im concerned its all normal.

LafayetteLady -> RE: Newbie Questions (3/15/2010 11:21:05 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael I give this two months and she will be back here asking if it is normal for him to have disapeared and not talked to her or if it was okay that he posted the videos online. We should start a pool on CM where people can place bets on how long some of these "relationships" will last and rank posters by how close they guess the time and the particulars of the breakup. Would be interesting. It would be interesting and fun. The only problem though is the number that never come back and tell us what happened, or they "reinvent" themselves with a new nic and we never find out.

thishereboi -> RE: Newbie Questions (3/16/2010 5:13:19 AM)
quote: I wish I didn't get it. After ten days or less, you are willing to say you don't have to agree with him, he is the dom and go by all he says? Okay... hunger, frenzy, need... but not being smart. I can't agree that you are using your head, but that is my opinion. Yea, how long do you think it will be, before she's back telling us what that bastard did?

Nslavu -> RE: Newbie Questions (3/16/2010 5:44:53 AM)
Some people like roller coasters, some people don't and you can jump off cliffs or right into a relationship ... why all the paranoia (not that there's anything wrong with that [:D])

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.046875