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ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika

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ORIGINAL: doombunny

as a submissive male i actually find it to be difficult to find a Dominant knowing what i want out of a relationship. now mind you, i'm not pushy or dom-ming from the top, i just want someone who is going to respect me, help me to grow, and whom ultimately i can build a lasting relationship with through my giving myself to them. i think that many of the dominants i have encountered are maybe a little put off by my frankness and my less than obsequious mediative style when trying to communicate the out wants, kinks, and various other potential dimensions before getting into an actual relationship.

i guess what i'm trying to say is that a failure in communication comes from both ends, and while the hallmark of a D/s relationship is the asymmetric balance of power, that i've found that many dominants are quite often not responsive and can frankly come off as churlish when a submissive actually knows what he wants out of a committed relationship

I like men who know what they want. I also like men who can tell me in a way that doesn't come across like a little dog humping my leg.

But most importantly, what most men lack, is knowing how to honestly court and seduce a Domme. They don't understand that once you figure out what makes a Domme tick, communication gets relatively easy.

- LA

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ORIGINAL: Lockit

Doombunny,

I haven't met you before, so I want to first say, welcome to the boards and it's great to have you here!

I am like LA, I want a man who expresses himself and talks to me. However I don't want someone in a first email telling me what he wants kink wise! lol I want to know him as a person and I want him to see and know me as well. Despite what many think, it isn't all about kink in my world. I have to be able to relate to him and get along outside of the kink and I don't just want kink, but a relationship.

I love a man who speaks his mind. Of course I do want it to be done respectfully as I will give that same respect to him and his wants and needs. I will only become disrespectful when someone is consistently disrespecting me in a personal relationship. But by that stage, it is over. lol There is no place for disrespect in a relationship, in my opinion.

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ORIGINAL: doombunny

thank you for your direction Lady Angelika,

admittedly i've found that courting, let alone seducing a Domme to be a real challenge.

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i'm going to make a generalization, and so please forgive me if i come off as arrogant, and especially sexist, but i think that its not unfair to say that most heterosexual women, and bisexual women for that matter, tend to respond positively to a male when he demonstrates what gets called 'confidence.' furthermore, i believe that the gestures, attitudes, and behaviors that are ostensibly termed as 'confidence,' or 'being confident' have a biological correlation to- frankly, an animalistic exhibition of dominance.

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courtship of a Domme is then a very unusual dance. its a weird mix of kink, personality, respect, courtesy, animal instincts, and being on the whole emotionally grounded as a person. that said, i think that getting to understand a Domme 'to tick,' as you put it , is a really good paradigm to operate under.

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ORIGINAL: LunarBull

I read about this topic on the home page and wanted to share my opinion.  From my perspective, it is natural for a male to be confused.  In America, societal upbringing has conditioned men to take a leadership role in all aspects of life.  Eventually, self-assured and confident men will find their way.  I spent the past year in a relationship as a submissive.  This was both in the bedroom and out.  I surrendered entirely to her. This means 100% to her wants and needs.   My joy came from pleasing her.  I actually found greater satisfaction taking care of her needs outside the bedroom.  I was very clear on my role with her.  I am not sure I would surrender again in a similar role, but I also found her to be exceptional.  I think confusion is part of the growing process.  

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ORIGINAL: TenderBlade

Have you come across sub men who are confused about what they really want?They don't know whether they are just sexually submissive or whether they are a lifestyle submissive. Is it a big turn off for you? 

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ORIGINAL: Andalusite

doombunny, welcome to the forums! If you have repeatedly had these communication difficulties, I do think that you might want to consider the timing and phrasing with which you are expressing your needs and desires. There's nothing wrong with sharing them, and I think that the majority of Dominant people want and need that information from someone they are seriously exploring things with. However, bringing them up before connecting with them as an individual person tends to make people feel objectified, and comes across as very pushy.





thank you Andalusite, as i mentioned before its a real pleasure to be here and to be getting such great feedback


< Message edited by doombunny -- 3/15/2010 9:40:26 PM >

(in reply to Andalusite)

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ORIGINAL: HeathenMa1am

In my experience, it's extroversion that's a dominant signal. Introversion or shyness is usually perceived as personality-submissive

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ORIGINAL: blmtrsne

The image men have of being dominated is almost everytimes a reflection of their dreams. When you start to dominate, they are freightened. Then they run or stay.
That's the way I see it, but it's a gut feeling, not a sceintific fact.

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ORIGINAL: TenderBlade

Have you come across sub men who are confused about what they really want?They don't know whether they are just sexually submissive or whether they are a lifestyle submissive. Is it a big turn off for you? 

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I've been doing this for about thirty years now...... Thank fuck I'm a straight male, I feel sorry for My Female Peers because I can count the number of male submissives I've EVER met who actually knew what it meant to SUBMIT on the fingers of one hand. The vast majority are simply do-me-bunnies who will happily drama queen their way into getting what they want from whichever deluded Lady mistakenly gave them attention.

The tiny few, when asked what they want... their first response isn't a list of kink play they want doing to them, but rather what sort of skills they have that they could use for the Lady they submit too... those are a refreshing change and the fact that I've met a few is the only reason that I haven't entirely written off sub males as ENTIRELY unworthy of My respect.

Some of that has to fall on those that claim to be Female Dominants though.... they let them away with it (The ones I have respect for as Peers DON'T, it is just a general observation including many of those I see but don't bother getting to know because I see nothing WORTH getting to know)