Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

getting it back


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> getting it back Page: [1]
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
getting it back - 3/14/2010 4:18:35 PM   
subinmi


Posts: 7
Joined: 4/15/2007
From: Michigan
Status: offline 		The Dom I serve and I are in our upper 50's.  About 3 months after starting to serve him he became very ill.  In my mind I have always served my Master but along the line somewhere he started to see me as his caregiver and not his sub.  While he can play again and does play with others he has no interest in playing with me.  On the rare occasional he does play with me it seems forced and not a thrill a minute for either of us.  I have made sure to stop all the behavior's he defined as 'caregiver' and I know he loves me very much, as I do him. He also does not like the idea of now having to do things differently than he used to. We can do all the same stuff we did we just need to make adjustments for each of our limitations.  I have arthritis and am used to finding different ways to do the things I need to and have made several suggestions about changes we can make. I have even helped him play with others accommodating the new limitations  How do we get that D/s back?  I don't want to be just a service sub.  I need to play too.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: getting it back - 3/14/2010 4:24:53 PM   
osf


Posts: 3288
Joined: 10/19/2009
Status: offline 		see if there is a mast group near you that you can attend

here is the link http://www.mast.net/

look for a heterosexual or pan-sexual group

they often discuss problems such as yours and it is mostly couples living ds ms relationships

_____________________________

all around nice guy and creative misogynist

i'm not very skilled so i just hit harder

i want a woman to make into the woman she never wanted to become

(in reply to subinmi)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: getting it back - 3/14/2010 4:38:56 PM   
subinmi


Posts: 7
Joined: 4/15/2007
From: Michigan
Status: offline 		Thank You for the idea, but there isn't a chapter in our state and the forums on the MAsT homepage are under construction.

(in reply to osf)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: getting it back - 3/14/2010 4:49:18 PM   
tsatske


Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline 		I tried to write to you on the other side, but you have no profile.

I belong to a mailing list intended only for slaves in TPE relationships. You might find such a list very helpful since you do not have a Mast group near you. I personally do not feel the need for a Mast group for me, the munch to which I belong has many M/s couples.

The mailing list to which I was refering is always supportive and pro Master, down talking another girls Master is serriously not allowed. I find it helpful to have others of a like lifestyle and mind to talk with.

_____________________________

“If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good”
~Dr. Seuss quote

(in reply to subinmi)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: getting it back - 3/14/2010 5:14:04 PM   
dreamerdreaming


Posts: 2839
Status: offline 		You have no visible profile either here or on the other side. What state are you in?

(to osf: thanks for the link, cutie!  )

_____________________________

Download SLAVE LOVER. Explicit BDSM porn, with a plot! A love story, on a FemDom planet! http://www.amazon.com/Slave-Lover-Chronicles-Book-ebook/dp/B0031ERBLI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1261973416&sr=1

(in reply to subinmi)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: getting it back - 3/14/2010 5:17:04 PM   
subinmi


Posts: 7
Joined: 4/15/2007
From: Michigan
Status: offline 		I am in Michigan.  ( aah hence sub in Mi)  sorry gotta find humor where I can right now.  

(in reply to dreamerdreaming)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: getting it back - 3/14/2010 5:45:21 PM   
subinmi


Posts: 7
Joined: 4/15/2007
From: Michigan
Status: offline
quote:

New Messages
subinmi
Vanilla



Posts: 6
Joined: 4/15/2007
From: Michigan
Status: offline I am in Michigan. ( aah hence sub in Mi) sorry gotta find humor where I can right now.

I have also turned my profile back on

(in reply to subinmi)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: getting it back - 3/14/2010 6:02:48 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		You need to sit down and talk to him. Tell him how unhappy you are and ask how things can change? If he cannot top you, but he can top others, then why can't you bottom for others? Both of you need to be happy. Start brainstorming a solution because otherwise the resentment will grow and the relationship will fade.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to subinmi)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: getting it back - 3/14/2010 6:07:04 PM   
dreamerdreaming


Posts: 2839
Status: offline 		What does he say when you talk to him about this????


Off the top of my head:

1.) If he doesn't like the idea of doing things differently than before, because of the new physical limitations: you two could try new activities that neither one of you has done before. That way there would be no nagging memories of how much easier it used to be, or better, etc.

2.) He could adjust his thought process. We all get older, and you seem to be taking it in stride. Can you teach him to adjust his thoughts as you have? Or if he's depressed, can you insist that he (or both of you) get some professional help? He's getting older- he's not dead. He can be helped, and he can still grow and change and have a good, fulfilling life with you, if he wants to.

3.) If you feel he is really taking you for granted, and dragging you down with negativity, and not making a consistent effort to address your needs over time... Remember you can vote with your feet. Sometimes all someone needs is a wakeup call, for them to get the motivation to put forth the proper effort. And sometimes love is just not enough, and people may need to save themselves.

_____________________________

Download SLAVE LOVER. Explicit BDSM porn, with a plot! A love story, on a FemDom planet! http://www.amazon.com/Slave-Lover-Chronicles-Book-ebook/dp/B0031ERBLI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1261973416&sr=1

(in reply to subinmi)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: getting it back - 3/14/2010 6:07:54 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I'm guessing he plays with others where he doesn't need to state his limitations and they don't have your limitations. He can do the things he enjoys without having to be told "you can't do that because of your illness/my illness". Playing with you probably reminds him of these and it's basically a downer for him.

My only suggestion is maybe to try some roleplay? Other than that I guess you could suggest to him that you find a play partner as well outside of him so that you get your desires met as well. Good luck.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: getting it back - 3/14/2010 6:42:06 PM   
osf


Posts: 3288
Joined: 10/19/2009
Status: offline 		Can you get someone else to do to you in front of him what you want done, say at parties or munches, etc?



_____________________________

all around nice guy and creative misogynist

i'm not very skilled so i just hit harder

i want a woman to make into the woman she never wanted to become

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: getting it back - 3/15/2010 2:56:25 AM   
aldompdx


Posts: 538
Joined: 10/24/2004
Status: offline 		Know your true priorities, and then pursue them. If your ultimate priorities do not include your present partner, then that is your answer.

You may want to consider that D/s was merely a means to the end of sharing deeper intimacy and love. If you are already at that end, you need not rely upon the means. Find what you both feel inspired to mutually share with each other.

(in reply to subinmi)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: getting it back - 3/15/2010 4:29:35 AM   
sirsholly


Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline 		http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Madonna-whore_complex

Possibly the op was placed in the "Madonna" role when he was sick?


_____________________________

PICKED UPON
TECHNO-DOLT
MEMBER OF THE SUBBIE MAFIA
GRACEFULLY CHALLENGED :::::splat:::::
BOOT WHORE
VAA/S FAN

GIVES GOOD HEART (Lushy)

CREATOR OF MAYHEM (practice)


(in reply to aldompdx)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: getting it back - 3/15/2010 7:52:33 AM   
Fitznicely


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline 		Been in the same boat: gout, arthritis, high blood pressure and undiagnosed diabetes has made me feel very old and past it for the past couple of years. I'm not saying my issues are anything like as bad as the OP's partner, but I can certainly sympathise.

What pulled it around for me was getting medicated for the physical health problems, and feeling like a human being again rather than a glorified sleep machine. Also, I have a wonderful girl who did a good job of convincing me I wasn't actually past it. I dug out some forums where other people were discussing my ailments and how they dealt with their sex lives, and that opened my eyes greatly, too.

I am also beggining to rebuild my physical strength, as I had let my body go a lot. The boost of endorphins, testosterone and self-confidence this is giving me has made life immeasurably better.

I also have an offer of viagra from the Doc, but haven't taken her up on it yet, as all the positive steps I'm taking seem to have revived not just the old man, but my libido, and how

Certainly, the OP's circumstances will be different from mine. I'm at least 15 years younger, for a start, but I hope some of what I've said might be helpful.


_____________________________

I tell you this: No eternal reward will forgive us now for wasting the dawn
Proud Owner of Darkmoonkat. Such a good girl!

(in reply to sirsholly)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: getting it back - 3/15/2010 11:15:08 AM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		I'm with Holly here. When someone gets real sick and needs assistance, it can effect a number of things. I can see where he may be very thankful for the assistance and may be looking at the op differently now. Also, there may be some aspect of fear from realizing how vulnerable he could be. Life can be over just like that and becoming very ill and being limited somehow, you may feel you need to put all the life you can in life, while you can.

Op, talk to him and I hope all goes well for you both!


_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!


(in reply to Fitznicely)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: getting it back - 3/15/2010 12:22:19 PM   
peppermint


Posts: 5169
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline 		Men are rather strange about being seen by another as weak, especially a submissive.  You saw him at a very vulnerable time of his life.  You saw his weakness.  You were the stronger so you cared for him.  It is possible that he might never forget that.  If may be that he's embarrassed to have been that way and you are a constant reminder.  All you can do is discuss the problem with him.  Whether that changes things for the better is anyone's guess.  

(in reply to subinmi)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: getting it back - 4/27/2010 3:06:04 PM   
dragon200070


Posts: 93
Joined: 2/9/2010
Status: offline 		I would question the state of his libido. If fhe plays with others, it's just a sort of confusion. I'd suggest a kink-friendly counselor.

Jeff

(in reply to subinmi)
Profile   Post #: 17
Page:   [1]
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> getting it back Page: [1]
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.127